Girlfriend is asking me to do something I am not in agreement with...

[veggirl]

I don't even think he said he drinks NIGHTLY?

 

Regardless, she saw on dates 1 and 2 that he drinks. Why did she spend 4 months with him if it was a problem? That is on her...

[Janesays]

I don't even think he said he drinks NIGHTLY?

 

Regardless, she saw on dates 1 and 2 that he drinks. Why did she spend 4 months with him if it was a problem? That is on her...

 

Well, that is on her. She should have hit the road after she realized it was a problem. But, a problem like that kind of sneaks up on you. Sometimes you don't realize THAT is what is turning you off about a guy. Much like a weight problem it kinda sneaks up on men. And then suddenly, one day, they think, "Gross, what a blimp!"

 

With me, it hit me that I hadn't seen him completely sober in months. At that point, the idea of having sex with him made me vomit in my mouth a bit.

[TheBigQuestion]

OP, I think other posters have already suggested to you what exactly they think is going on here, but I guess I'll join in and summarize (seriously this time).

 

If you're being honest with us, your drinking habits are hardly problematic. In most European countries, your drinking habits would be viewed as downright puritanical. It isn't damaging your work life, your relationships with your family, or with your friends. It almost certainly is doing nothing to your health. It is damaging your relationship with your girlfriend only because she harbors an irrational insecurity that because you like to have a few beers, you're going to one day turn into an alco-goddamn-holic.

 

You need to tell her in 100% certain and definite terms that this is exactly what is going on, and that you are unwilling to budge on doing something that you enjoy doing that harms literally no one because of HER personal issues. Your personal autonomy to do as you please when it harms no rational person is being encroached upon. We do live in a more enlightened time in certain ways, but every now and then, it's appropriate to act like an old fashioned man and simply put your foot down. This is one of those instances. The burden to bend and change isn't on you when you aren't the one being irrational.

[Janesays]

You need to tell her in 100% certain and definite terms that this is exactly what is going on, and that you are unwilling to budge on doing something that you enjoy doing that harms literally no one because of HER personal issues. Your personal autonomy to do as you please when it harms no rational person is being encroached upon. We do live in a more enlightened time in certain ways, but every now and then, it's appropriate to act like an old fashioned man and simply put your foot down. This is one of those instances. The burden to bend and change isn't on you when you aren't the one being irrational.

 

Absolutely. If he determines that beer #3 is more important than his relationship with her, he should say that.

 

But he's got to be OK with her saying, "OK then, I understand. Nice knowing ya."

 

Which is LIKELY what will happen.

[TheBigQuestion]

Well, that is on her. She should have hit the road after she realized it was a problem. But, a problem like that kind of sneaks up on you. Sometimes you don't realize THAT is what is turning you off about a guy. Much like a weight problem it kinda sneaks up on men. And then suddenly, one day, they think, "Gross, what a blimp!"

 

With me, it hit me that I hadn't seen him completely sober in months. At that point, the idea of having sex with him made me vomit in my mouth a bit.

 

What you're describing (your ex not being completely sober) is not the result of the type of drinking that OP is engaging in. 3-4 beers over the course of a few hours will have virtually no effect on a man's sobriety, unless he weighs literally nothing.

 

Again, you'd be better off asking questions to learn more about the OP's situation than accusing him or anyone else here of engaging in double standards (which you don't know and can't prove).

[Quiet Storm]

If you don't want to give up the beer, and she doesn't like it, then you two are incompatible.

 

She shouldn't try to change you, and you shouldn't try to change her.

 

If you sacrifice your beer, you will resent her. If she decides to tolerate something she hates, she will resent you.

 

It's not going to work.

[Janesays]

What you're describing (your ex not being completely sober) is not the result of the type of drinking that OP is engaging in. 3-4 beers over the course of a few hours will have virtually no effect on a man's sobriety, unless he weighs literally nothing.

 

Again, you'd be better off asking questions to learn more about the OP's situation than accusing him or anyone else here of engaging in double standards (which you don't know and can't prove).

 

 

My EX hubby used to have less than 6 pack every night. Typically 3-4. It turned me off. I'm not going to apologize for that. I found it sickening that EVERY TIME I KISSED him, he had beer on his breathe. SO SUE ME.

 

Like I said, he can drink as much as he wants if it is THAT important to him. But I'd bet money that she'll walk if he doesn't cut back. If he's OK with that, fine. Let her walk. They're incompatible anyway and it's for the best.

[Feelin Frisky]

If you're almost 40, your priorities should be thoroughly grown up, and they don't seem to be. Your wanting to drink AT ALL when she doesn't kinda shows you to be still thinking like a youngster--like you're not 40 but 20, think she's just another expendable chick because the school yard is still full of them. You can't "tell her" alcohol is not an issue with you when you "show" her it is. It doesn't matter what you "tell", it only matters what you "show". And even sobriety shouldn't have to be a "show"--it should be effortless. You are closer to being an alky than you think. And that's called denial. Don't tell her anything. Work this out with yourself and it will become effortless. Medicating yourself is not honest and alcohol is a terrible medication--one that toxifies all of your biological and mental functions. If you look at it real hard, maybe you just haven't questioned how you cope with feelings and have always thrown this loop of soft inebriation around yourself. If you can't do without self-medicating even with this amount of alcohol you consider minor, maybe real medication and a commitment to understanding your thoughts and emotions will show you that she's right and your lucky to have her rather than some dumb enabler. Good luck.

[KungFuJoe]

In this situation, I'm siding with op.

 

His gf suffers from a form of post traumatic stress disorder. Her reaction to his drinking (a trigger for her) is due to her past experience with an alcoholic.

 

What she is doing is "assuming" that EVERYONE who drinks is an alcoholic. This is understandable, but WRONG. It's similar to someone who is excessively jealous due to having been cheated on in the past.

 

Unfortunately, there is no simple solution. Unless op's drinking habits are causing issues (which he's given no indication of) there should be no reason for his gf to have issues with him drinking. However, telling her to "not worry about it" is like telling someone who is scared of heights to "just get over it".

 

She needs to somehow realize this and find a way to trust op. If she can't do it, then she needs to find someone who isn't a drinker.

 

This may just come down to plain ol' incompatibility issues...and there's not much that can be done most of the time.

[TheBigQuestion]

OP said that he typically drinks a maximum of 10 beers per week, and rarely has more than 3 or 4 in one sitting. That averages out to 1.42 beers PER DAY. This is not close to meeting even the most expansive and liberal definition of alcoholism. A woman going bat-sh** insane over such a minute amount of alcohol is simply acting out her own control issues and fallout from her prior relationship.

[pteromom]

You have no basis for thinking the OP is a borderline alcoholic.

 

Actually, he said himself that he uses alcohol to relax, which MAY indicate a need for it. If he has a need for it - say, if it is so important to him that he would throw a great relationship away for it - then maybe he DOES have a problem with alcohol. I don't think it's that far-fetched to consider.

 

I get the whole "nobody can tell me what to do" mentality, but really, relationships are about finding what works. OP's girlfriend has issues around alcohol, and she's asking him to dial it back. That can be viewed as controlling, OR it can be viewed as trying to save the relationship with compromise. I don't know OP or his gf, so I can only go by what he's shared. He says that she is wonderful and amazing, etc. NOT a controlling shrew...

 

As far as the 2 beers a night, I am actually with Jane on this one. It isn't that 2 beers (or 3-4 beers) a night is going to make him drunk. But the smell would bother me. And the NEED for it would be a complete turn-off (not sure if OP drinks every night though).

[KungFuJoe]

Actually, he said himself that he uses alcohol to relax, which MAY indicate a need for it. If he has a need for it - say, if it is so important to him that he would throw a great relationship away for it - then maybe he DOES have a problem with alcohol. I don't think it's that far-fetched to consider.

 

I get the whole "nobody can tell me what to do" mentality, but really, relationships are about finding what works. OP's girlfriend has issues around alcohol, and she's asking him to dial it back. That can be viewed as controlling, OR it can be viewed as trying to save the relationship with compromise. I don't know OP or his gf, so I can only go by what he's shared. He says that she is wonderful and amazing, etc. NOT a controlling shrew...

 

As far as the 2 beers a night, I am actually with Jane on this one. It isn't that 2 beers (or 3-4 beers) a night is going to make him drunk. But the smell would bother me. And the NEED for it would be a complete turn-off (not sure if OP drinks every night though).

 

I often have a few drinks at night (or something else COUGHweedCOUGH) at the end of a day to wind down. I think it's perfectly normal as long as it doesn't affect your life in any negative ways. But, the thing is, my wife is exactly the same way. Hell, I got home from work last night and she was actually DRUNK after putting the kids in bed.

 

It really just comes down to compatibility. Even though I think op's gf has issues she needs to deal with, there really is no right or wrong here.

[pteromom]

I often have a few drinks at night (or something else COUGHweedCOUGH) at the end of a day to wind down. I think it's perfectly normal as long as it doesn't affect your life in any negative ways. But, the thing is, my wife is exactly the same way. Hell, I got home from work last night and she was actually DRUNK after putting the kids in bed.

 

It really just comes down to compatibility. Even though I think op's gf has issues she needs to deal with, there really is no right or wrong here.

 

I think you are right about the compatibility aspect. If what you do works in your relationship, more power to you.

 

OP's gf *may* have issues. OP *may* have issues. They may both have issues. Or maybe, neither of them have issues, and they are just, as you said, not compatible when it comes to drinking.

[paperboy48]

Well, that is on her. She should have hit the road after she realized it was a problem. But, a problem like that kind of sneaks up on you. Sometimes you don't realize THAT is what is turning you off about a guy. Much like a weight problem it kinda sneaks up on men. And then suddenly, one day, they think, "Gross, what a blimp!"

 

With me, it hit me that I hadn't seen him completely sober in months. At that point, the idea of having sex with him made me vomit in my mouth a bit.

 

 

Like I said before...I drink very moderatley. 2-3 times a week tops... I have no beer belly.

[Janesays]

KungFuJoe has a wife.

 

 

I think you're right, here. But I also think KFJ said some reasonable things. It IS a matter of incompatibility. He actually drinks often, but found a partner who feels the same way about it that he does. Which is FAIR ENOUGH.

 

Doesn't make the OP's girl a 'controlling shrew.' Just means she feels differently and is entitled to feel differently.

 

If he can't or won't dial it back for her, she is well within her rights to walk. And at 40 years of age, OP can go back to snuggling with that beer can every night.

 

No skin off my nose. Remember, me and my Mr. 4 Beers per night hubby didn't work either.

 

My current fiance drinks socially like I do. And I get to F his brains out knowing his senses are not dulled by the drink. Win-win.

[Robert]

This thread has been cleaned up from post number one to this post and any post left on this thread is topical, any post gone was considered off topic.

 

Let's leave the insults, backstabs and fighting amongst yourselves off this thread please.

 

Thanks

[paperboy48]

Absolutely. If he determines that beer #3 is more important than his relationship with her, he should say that.

 

But he's got to be OK with her saying, "OK then, I understand. Nice knowing ya."

 

Which is LIKELY what will happen.

 

 

If that what it comes to, I am willing to accept it. I don't want it to come to that but if it comes to that...I can accept it.

[animalover]

Maybe it is only me... but I can't believe someone would put alcohol consumption over a relationship...

I understand that she wanting to modify some of your customs may feel aggressive for you but when you go to a relationship you always have to try to adapt to a common ground where both partners are feeling comfortable.

I really think 2 beers per day should be acceptable if you seriously don't have an alcohol addiction.

[TheBigQuestion]

Actually, he said himself that he uses alcohol to relax, which MAY indicate a need for it. If he has a need for it - say, if it is so important to him that he would throw a great relationship away for it - then maybe he DOES have a problem with alcohol. I don't think it's that far-fetched to consider.

 

I get the whole "nobody can tell me what to do" mentality, but really, relationships are about finding what works. OP's girlfriend has issues around alcohol, and she's asking him to dial it back. That can be viewed as controlling, OR it can be viewed as trying to save the relationship with compromise. I don't know OP or his gf, so I can only go by what he's shared. He says that she is wonderful and amazing, etc. NOT a controlling shrew...

 

As far as the 2 beers a night, I am actually with Jane on this one. It isn't that 2 beers (or 3-4 beers) a night is going to make him drunk. But the smell would bother me. And the NEED for it would be a complete turn-off (not sure if OP drinks every night though).

 

It's not a matter of alcohol being at the center of the conflict. If OP drank a case of beer a day (or in fact does and is just yanking our chain), It would be a different story. This is miniscule consumption, You could replace it with just about any item or activity that isn't harming or holding back one person in the relationship at all and the reaction would be the same.

Edited February 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paperboy48]

 

 

My current fiance drinks socially like I do. And I get to F his brains out knowing his senses are not dulled by the drink. Win-win.

 

Socially...if he ahs more than 2 per night when in a social setting, does he get punished for this (and not in a good way of being punished)?

[TheBigQuestion]

I think you're right, here. But I also think KFJ said some reasonable things. It IS a matter of incompatibility. He actually drinks often, but found a partner who feels the same way about it that he does. Which is FAIR ENOUGH.

 

Doesn't make the OP's girl a 'controlling shrew.' Just means she feels differently and is entitled to feel differently.

 

If he can't or won't dial it back for her, she is well within her rights to walk. And at 40 years of age, OP can go back to snuggling with that beer can every night.

 

No skin off my nose. Remember, me and my Mr. 4 Beers per night hubby didn't work either.

 

My current fiance drinks socially like I do. And I get to F his brains out knowing his senses are not dulled by the drink. Win-win.

 

Of course it's a matter of incompatibility. I never contested that. But incompatibilities will often lead to controlling behavior. In this case, trying to get someone to change behavior that is objectively reasonable (again, provided OP isn't hiding anything from us) rather than change her own perceptions IS controlling. It's not a matter of elevating alcohol over a relationship, it's a matter of maintaining your autonomy in general.

 

Furthermore, I don't know anything about your life, and that's why I do not try to discredit you by insulting your relationship history. You immediately assumed that me and a handful of other posters here just had to be virgins or near-virgins for no other reason than that we disagreed with you.

[pteromom]

You could replace it with just about any item or activity that isn't harming or holding back one person in the relationship at all and the reaction would be the same.

 

True, but every person is different and has different values based on their own life experiences. How many threads have been on LS about women going out with their friends and guys having an issue with it? Or guys watching too much porn and women having an issue with it?

 

Joe said it - it's about compatibility. If OP's gf has a negative connotation around alcohol, it is up to both of them to find some kind of compromise that works for both of them, if they want to continue the relationship.

 

Her basic views on alcohol aren't likely to change, just as a woman who hates porn, or a guy who hates their GF hanging out with friends, or any other view on anything.

 

Just as it isn't fair for her to say "I don't like alcohol so you MUST stop drinking", it also isn't fair for him to say "You need to get over whatever your issue is."

 

We ALL have issues, and we have to work with who we are.

[Janesays]

Socially...if he ahs more than 2 per night when in a social setting, does he get punished for this (and not in a good way of being punished)?

 

Nah he only gets punished in veerrrrryyyyy good ways! But it's not uncommon for him to go a few weeks without ANY.

 

Which works for me. The idea of having a man that needed a few beers EVERY NIGHT makes my clitoris want to jump off my body and run away screaming to hide underneath the fridge. It is THAT much of a sexual turn off to me.

 

*shrugs. YMMV

[Janesays]

Furthermore, I don't know anything about your life, and that's why I do not try to discredit you by insulting your relationship history. You immediately assumed that me and a handful of other posters here just had to be virgins or near-virgins for no other reason than that we disagreed with you.

 

You are wrong. I didn't assume. I just follow your posts. You think this is the first time I ever read a post by Kaylan, UF, etc?

[pteromom]

The idea of having a man that needed a few beers EVERY NIGHT makes my clitoris want to jump off my body and run away screaming to hide underneath the fridge.

 

LOL. Thanks for the visual.

 

BTW, I imagine it making a squeaky noise when it runs.