paperboy48 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I have been dating a girl for four months (exclusive for the last 2 months). She is not a big drinker...has a glass of wine or two on special occasions. On our first date we met for drinks (met her online). She had coffee, I had a couple beers. Second date was dinner. Same thing..she had soda/coffee, I had a couple beers. She told me a month into our dating that she was in a relationship with a guy who she considered to have become an alchololic while they were together. She told me at that point she wasn't sure she could continue with this (her and I) because I like to have a few beers at times. My max during a week is 10 and that is high. I never have more than 4 beers at one time and if I have four, its over a long period of time (one per hour). After this issue was discussed, she basically accepted the fact I like to have a few beers sometimes. Now, three months later...we are much closer. See other a lot, talk about future plans, etc. Now, she is asking me not to have more then 2 beers at one setting (no more then 2 per day). I am very nicely letting her know this is not acceptable to me. I have a lot of self-control and I know how many i can have without getting into a danger zone of alchohol consumption. I don't like having someone come into my life as I am approcahing the age of 40 years old and having her tell me what to do or having her try to change my ways. I care a lot about her. I am very compassionate with her. Our commuication is wonderful and I treat her very well. I just can't have her try to change me to suit her request which is basically because we both have totally different viewpoints of alcholol. I don;t see alcholol as a problem, if done in moderation and it does not effect relationships, carrers, etc. She can't believe I won't do this for her.
pteromom Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 She can't believe I won't do this for her. I can't either, honestly. But then, I am not a drinker, so two beers a day sounds like a lot to me. There are a couple of possibilities here. It could just be that due to her history with an alcoholic, she has fears revolving around this issue and wants your reassurance. In which case, you could try to meet her halfway. Work with her on a guideline you think is acceptable. She just needs to feel assured that you are in control. So if two beers is unacceptable, how about two beers on most days, but more if you guys go out (4 beers?) Or how about not drinking at all on most days, but being able to let loose when you go out? Work together to find a guideline you are comfy with. OR - it could be she sees some warning signs you may not see. I would really try to NOT be defensive about this, and do a check on yourself to make sure you don't have any kind of "need" of alcohol. I think it would be silly to throw a good relationship away for booze. UNLESS there is a bigger issue of her trying to control your actions, in which case, that's really the problem, not the beer. 7
SmileFace Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Well I guess it is time to start looking for a new girl friend. This should have been figured out from the start - if it is a deal breaker. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I am very nicely letting her know this is not acceptable to me. I have a lot of self-control and I know how many i can have without getting into a danger zone of alchohol consumption. That's all you can do. It sounds like the problem is not your drinking, but her fear about ending up with another alcoholic. Reassure her that you're in control of your drinking, it's never been a problem for you, and you just don't want to be micromanaged about it. 5
clia Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I don't like having someone come into my life as I am approcahing the age of 40 years old and having her tell me what to do or having her try to change my ways. I care a lot about her. I am very compassionate with her. Our commuication is wonderful and I treat her very well. I just can't have her try to change me to suit her request which is basically because we both have totally different viewpoints of alcholol. I don;t see alcholol as a problem, if done in moderation and it does not effect relationships, carrers, etc. I 100% agree with you. If she wanted a guy who never drinks, she should never have continued to date you. You never hid this from her, and your drinking is not even close to excessive. I also like to have a couple of beers or glasses of wine with dinner, and would feel extremely put off if a guy I'd been dating for a few months tried to force me to stop doing that. She can't believe I won't do this for her. I can't believe she is asking you to do this. She may not be the right person for you. Even if she will claim to let it go -- she'll never let it go. Every time you order a beer or open a beer, she will give you a look, or a sigh, and it will annoy her. This will grate at your relationship. 3
EasyHeart Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 A woman trying to change a man? Huh. Who woulda thought that would ever happen? 3
TigerCub Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I agree with you OP. You don't drink to the point of getting drunk, so having her dictate how many drinks and how often would be annoying, she's dating you not raising you!! But I do agree with the others that said that this stems from her past relationship and I guess all you can do it talk it out with her and bring that up. Maybe reassure her that you do know where to draw the line Point out that you don't drink to get drunk Tell her that you won't be punished for some other guy's mistakes. 2
CarrieT Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 There are a couple of possibilities here. It could just be that due to her history with an alcoholic, she has fears revolving around this issue and wants your reassurance. In which case, you could try to meet her halfway. Work with her on a guideline you think is acceptable. She just needs to feel assured that you are in control. So if two beers is unacceptable, how about two beers on most days, but more if you guys go out (4 beers?) Or how about not drinking at all on most days, but being able to let loose when you go out? Work together to find a guideline you are comfy with. OR - it could be she sees some warning signs you may not see. I would really try to NOT be defensive about this, and do a check on yourself to make sure you don't have any kind of "need" of alcohol. I think it would be silly to throw a good relationship away for booze. UNLESS there is a bigger issue of her trying to control your actions, in which case, that's really the problem, not the beer. This is a very, very wise post....
kaylan Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 This girl is controlling. Theres nothing wrong with having a few beers over the course of HOURS. You wouldnt be even close to having a buzz. Americans are SOOOO uptight about alcohol, and the time you drink it, and how much you drink it. In many other countries, they have beer during all times of the day...and even during their lunch hours at work. As long as you drink in moderation, there shouldnt be a problem. If she has an issue...let her find a new man. Because she shouldnt live in the past comparing you to some douche she used to date. But in all honesty, you should be drinking 2 alcoholic beverages at MOST daily (for a guy). After that point, the health benefits of daily alcohol consumption become health risks. And for women its 1 drink a day. 2
CarrieT Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 But in all honesty, you should be drinking 2 alcoholic beverages at MOST daily (for a guy). After that point, the health benefits of daily alcohol consumption become health risks. And for women its 1 drink a day. There is a caveat to this; the health benefits are mostly in red wine, lesser so from beer, and practically none in hard liquor. I would hate for someone to read there is a health benefit in "alcohol consumption" and believe that a martini a day will do them any good. 1
veggirl Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 did you ask her why she even bothered dating you past the first date if this is a dealbreaker for her? She is being unfair, you have been this way from the beginning, she is the one throwing a wrench in things. I'd tell her if she can't get over it then she should find a sober guy.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 She can't believe I won't do this for her. I can't believe she is that controlling. Tell her that your last GF got fat and that you want her to eat no more than 1000 calories per day. It's patently ridiculous for her to take baggage from a previous relationship and force you to deal with it. Believe me... I've had this battle with women MANY times, and giving her what she wants will not lead to anything good. Just politely stand your ground and make sure she knows that even asking this reflects very poorly upon her character! You are NOT her ex BF, and she has no right to treat you as if you are. 1
Author paperboy48 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I can't either, honestly. But then, I am not a drinker, so two beers a day sounds like a lot to me. There are a couple of possibilities here. It could just be that due to her history with an alcoholic, she has fears revolving around this issue and wants your reassurance. In which case, you could try to meet her halfway. Work with her on a guideline you think is acceptable. She just needs to feel assured that you are in control. So if two beers is unacceptable, how about two beers on most days, but more if you guys go out (4 beers?) Or how about not drinking at all on most days, but being able to let loose when you go out? Work together to find a guideline you are comfy with. OR - it could be she sees some warning signs you may not see. I would really try to NOT be defensive about this, and do a check on yourself to make sure you don't have any kind of "need" of alcohol. I think it would be silly to throw a good relationship away for booze. UNLESS there is a bigger issue of her trying to control your actions, in which case, that's really the problem, not the beer. I do like booze but I do it in moderation. I don't drink to get drunk. Sometimes its a nice relaxer! My big problem wit this is I don't like to be micromanaged at this age. Thank you for your post, btw. I agree with you OP. You don't drink to the point of getting drunk, so having her dictate how many drinks and how often would be annoying, she's dating you not raising you!! But I do agree with the others that said that this stems from her past relationship and I guess all you can do it talk it out with her and bring that up. Maybe reassure her that you do know where to draw the line Point out that you don't drink to get drunk Tell her that you won't be punished for some other guy's mistakes. I will try to reassure her that I won't be like her ex. I have already done this before, though when issue first arose. did you ask her why she even bothered dating you past the first date if this is a dealbreaker for her? She is being unfair, you have been this way from the beginning, she is the one throwing a wrench in things. I'd tell her if she can't get over it then she should find a sober guy. No, I am trying not to be really agressive with her.
Author paperboy48 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 The question she wants me to answer is: Why do you need to have more than 2 drinks in one setting? My responses have been... I like the taste of beer. It relaxes me. I have enough self-control that I can have up to 4 without induldging in more . Plus, there is the social end of it...thats what I do with friends...
Author paperboy48 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I dont think its right what she is doing. This is her hangup that she needs to get over, since you dont have a drinking problem and dont drink excessively by conventional standards. PLus she knew your drinking habits from the outset. It also occurs to me that this may be some type of test she is putting you though, since she says "I cant believe you wont do this for me". Its like she's wanting you to show her how much you love her by giving up something else you enjoy. In which case, if you really dont want to throw in the towel, mabye try to reassure her of your feelings or comittment level another way. The only other thing I could think of, is it is possibel you behave poorly after 4 drinks? If there is specific behavior she has a problem with when you drink more than 2 drinks then I can see her point of view, but if its just "out of principal" I think its completely out of line to set a 2 drink minimum on you. I am a gentleman with her at all times inlcluding after I have had 3-4 drinksand I continue to engage with her, as well. thanks for your post.
kaylan Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 There is a caveat to this; the health benefits are mostly in red wine, lesser so from beer, and practically none in hard liquor. I would hate for someone to read there is a health benefit in "alcohol consumption" and believe that a martini a day will do them any good. Ive actually read its ethanol alcohol in general. Not solely red wine. But then I read articles like this, that dismiss drinking at all. But then I read this one here, and it says the opposite and that an alcoholic beverage each day is ok and good. Me is confused.
AMusing Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Jeez, I'm all for compromise in a relationship, but honestly her attitude seems excessive. You are a grown man, she is not your mother, and you are not doing anything genuinely harmful to your well-being. That said, it seems reasonable to come to some middle ground if you really care about her. For example, you could suggest that you will avoid having more than two drinks when you're on a date with her, but that when you're out with friends you need her to trust your judgement. Basically, I agree with MJ. Good luck.
Terminal-Ice Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 There is a caveat to this; the health benefits are mostly in red wine, lesser so from beer, and practically none in hard liquor. I would hate for someone to read there is a health benefit in "alcohol consumption" and believe that a martini a day will do them any good. Actually, beer has some great health benefits. It's especially good after a workout because it's a great source of chromium. Two beers per day is nothing. It sounds to me like this is her issue. I've had alcoholics in my family, I also drink beer. Sometimes I'll have four beers, sometimes I'll get drunk, but not that often. In fact, I often won't drink that much because I don't want to get drunk. Hangovers are hell and make the day useless. I absolutely am not an alcoholic. In fact, I often go one or two weeks without alcohol, or I'll have an occasional glass of wine. Perhaps the two of you should discuss the real signs of an alcoholic. You do not sound like one. You sound like someone who simply enjoys beer. I would argue that a daily Coca-Cola is much worse for you.
Terminal-Ice Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 The question she wants me to answer is: Why do you need to have more than 2 drinks in one setting? My responses have been... I like the taste of beer. It relaxes me. I have enough self-control that I can have up to 4 without induldging in more . Plus, there is the social end of it...thats what I do with friends... I would argue that an alcoholic could not stop at four. Hell, I like to continue past two, but that's where I often stop.
Author paperboy48 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Then I think she is out of line for asking you to stop this, and it is really a bit of a "red flag". Her saying "why do you need to have more than 2 drinks" is really irritating. Why does anyone "need" to do anything they enjoy -- they dont "need" to they just "want" to. Life is about pleasure and fun, as well as work and obligations. I think this is a sh*t test by her -- she wants to control you by giving you a 2 drink minimum, and see if you "love her enough" to abide by her rules, sacraficing something you enjoy. It may be subconsciously that she is doing this, but nevertheless she knew your drinking habits from the outset and its not right of her to srping this request/requirement on you 4 months in. Could you try just laughing it off, telling her "I wouldnt give up my occasional 4 drinks for Giselle Bunchin darling..hahahah but I do care about you so much and I hope you can understand" Also, Id like to add that at 40 years old if you were going to become an alcoholic it'd probably already have occurred. Barring some type of major life crisis that might drive someone to begin drinking heavily, usually people are well into their alcohol addiction well before age 40. I cant think of anyone who first developed alcoholism in their 40s with no prior history. Throw that little tid bit out at her. Thanks Again! You always ahve such Awesome advice. I would argue that a daily Coca-Cola is much worse for you. Oh, I definetly agree with you!
TheBigQuestion Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 If it's a really good beer, I sure as hell won't limit myself to just one. Your woman is being unreasonable. Then again, It's not even 4pm and I've already lost count of how many I've knocked back, so maybe I should refrain from further engaging in this conversation.
Janesays Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) OK, so say she puts on 40lbs. Would it be considered 'controlling' for the OP to ask her to diet? Nice double standard here. I had a hubby that used to drink every day. He didn't get drunk, just a nice little buzz. Every. Single. Night. He always smelled like beer. He got a little beer gut on him. And honestly? Once I realized that it had been 6 months or so since I had last seen him completely sober, I lost all attraction to him. I'd rather he gained 100lbs than to drink a few beers every single night. Listen, I don't think her request was 'wrong' any more than a request from men to 'not let yourself go' is wrong. I also don't think it's 'wrong' to be a fat wife nor do I think it's 'wrong' for you to want to drink a few beers every night. It's just a matter of what we do and do not find attractive in a partner. My guess is she's probably losing attraction to you because of the too frequent beer drinking. Much like you'd lose attraction to her if she started eating too much darn cake. What you have to decide is what is more important: Her? Or that 3rd beer every night? There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here. If you don't want to give up beer 3, my guess is just to part ways with her. No harm, no foul. But honestly, I would have just as hard time being SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to a man that was, in my view, always buzzed than most men would have being sexually attracted to a woman over 50lbs overweight. Edited February 14, 2013 by Janesays
TheBigQuestion Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 OK, so say she puts on 40lbs. Would it be considered 'controlling' for the OP to ask her to diet? Nice double standard here. I had a hubby that used to drink every day. He didn't get drunk, just a nice little buzz. Every. Single. Night. He always smelled like beer. He got a little beer gut on him. And honestly? Once I realized that it had been 6 months or so since I had last seen him completely sober, I lost all attraction to him. I'd rather he gained 100lbs than to drink a few beers every single night. Listen, I don't think her request was 'wrong' any more than a request from men to 'not let yourself go' is wrong. I also don't think it's 'wrong' to be a fat wife nor do I think it's 'wrong' for you to want to drink a few beers every night. It's just a matter of what we do and do not find attractive in a partner. My guess is she's probably losing attraction to you because of the too frequent beer drinking. Much like you'd lose attraction to her if she started eating too much darn cake. What you have to decide is what is more important: Her? Or that 3rd beer every night? There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here. If you don't want to give up beer 3, my guess is just to part ways with her. No harm, no foul. But honestly, I would have just as hard time being SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to a man that was, in my view, always buzzed than most men would have being sexually attracted to a woman over 50lbs overweight. There is no double standard because only you created the equivalency between drinking a few beers a few nights a week with a colossal bodily change that is adding 50 pounds in a short period of time. Last I checked, the OP didn't say that he would tell an overweight girlfriend to go on a diet unless she wanted him to leave. Save for a recovering alcoholic, no reasonable person would request that OP limit his drinking (which, if he is describing it accurately, constitutes neither a social nor a medical problem) to such a degree. OP's girlfriend is doing so because of her own insecurities. The burden is on her to get over it, not impute her personal issues on him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 The question she wants me to answer is: Why do you need to have more than 2 drinks in one setting? My responses have been... I like the taste of beer. It relaxes me. I have enough self-control that I can have up to 4 without induldging in more . Plus, there is the social end of it...thats what I do with friends... If you allow her to feel that question is permissible to ask, you have already lost. It doesn't matter what you answer... she doesn't really have a right to ask. She has to be able to determine what is addictive behavior on her own. If she is unable or unwilling to do so, it's her problem not yours. I strongly suggest telling her that this question is rude and controlling to even ask. Additionally it suggests she is ignorant of the difference between normal and addictive behavior.
Janesays Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 There is no double standard because only you created the equivalency between drinking a few beers a few nights a week with a colossal bodily change that is adding 50 pounds in a short period of time. Last I checked, the OP didn't say that he would tell an overweight girlfriend to go on a diet unless she wanted him to leave. Save for a recovering alcoholic, no reasonable person would request that OP limit his drinking (which, if he is describing it accurately, constitutes neither a social nor a medical problem) to such a degree. OP's girlfriend is doing so because of her own insecurities. The burden is on her to get over it, not impute her personal issues on him. Like I said, I have just as much a right to find that behavior sexually unappealing than you would someone who is overweight. My guess is that she brought up her last alcoholic boyfriend as a red herring. In a nutshell, she didn't want to say that she was losing attraction to him. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings. But, I know lots of women who find nightly drinking to be a turn off in the bedroom. Sorry, hate to break that to you. But it's gross. I prefer my men to be COMPLETELY SOBER when I have sex with them. So sue me. OP, does SHE like the taste of beer? Then she's probably realizing that she avoids and/or doesn't enjoy kissing you because your breathe smells like it. Got a little beer belly OP? Yeah, how would you feel about her 'cookie belly?" Hey, if you think giving up that 3 beer is too much to ask, by all means, DONT DO IT. But if she hits the road, you have to be OK with that too.
Recommended Posts