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Getting stronger but still on that roller coaster


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Posted

I have been lurking between here and reddit breakups for the last few weeks trying to make sense of the last two months or so and give myself some sort of normality to the random thoughts going on in my head.

 

I have read about people going through the same situation as me, some completely different, a lot worse and few not so bad and it has amazed me how much heart break can affect us as humans and I have been lucky up until now to have only experienced it to such a degree, though to each of us it feels like the most humbling, painful experience and I would not take anything away from a single persons story.

 

My breakup actually happened on the 16th December but was dragged out for a further month because of going back and fourth with begging, crying, conversations all mainly on my part trying to put the pieces together about how myself and my partner had got to that point. I guess I was oblivious to the cracks in our relationship, in some part to her thoughts on her own life and where it was going, while I muddled on by just happy to have someone to cuddle, have sex with, enjoy a night out with and who masked my deep set feelings of self-loathing and contempt by being more broken than I, giving me someone to try and fix and avoid the core issues. Don't get me wrong I loved her, I possibly still do and that's why I am here posting. But I sit here wondering how one person could make me feel so ****ty by just leaving.

 

She has got a job in a new country which she moved to a few weeks back. We've been NC just over a month now, the last conversation was by phone after she had sent me a message asking how I was after she'd found a letter I'd sent her in early December. The week before she was taking the last of her stuff from my house to sort out before embarking on her new journey.

 

It's been tough, it really has. But I think I have a distorted reality of what we had. I miss the fun she'd give me, the random nights out, the random places I've been too. As a friend for the previous five years before anything actually happened she was one of my favourite drinking buddies, and we'd stay up late and chew the fat while all staying purely platonic.

 

We were realistically only together-together for one year to the day pretty much and only in a relationship for 7-8 months of that. But having known her for so long I guess it's hit me harder as I feel as if I have lost a friend as well as a lover.

 

I recently found out she'd removed two of our old friends from Facebook which shocked me. She'd known them for as long as I. I suppose her new life means a new life. I am just finding it hard coping with the rejection of knowing someone for so long and that they could just move on so quickly. I know I wasn't the be all and end all for her at the end but I was her love at one point and as most others have said, it's so difficult to comprehend someone letting you go so easily. It makes you feel worthless.

 

On top of all my other securities I have been left a bit of a mess lately, finding it hard to copy with daily tasks sometimes and definitely spending too much time in bed. But those are the bad days.

 

The positives are I'm re-acquainting with old friends, I've got down to my lowest body fat through sheer exercise (not starving myself through grief like the first couple of weeks) and I still ate pan cakes on shroves Tuesday (well had them Wednesday), I own my first car (nothing special but out of my comfort zone) and am on the way to buying my own house in the next month and I've started seeing a counsellor to work on my inner turmoil. So I've lost weight and got a new hair cut to coin a breakup phrase.

 

So not sure what I am saying here or I am just blogging for someone else's benefit. Things are getting better. I am officially 6 weeks in single (we went from the 1st January I gather but who knows :s), I miss her still but I questioning what for more so on a daily basis. I think the biggest thing I am scared of is letting go and knowing that the relationship doesn't mean as much as it does now, 2 weeks ago, 2 months ago. But in reality it doesn't. She is living in another country doing whatever with a wonderful new life and here I am pining for someone who doesn't want me any more.

 

I wish her all the best but at the same time I want to be bitter. I want to call her a c*nt for breaking my heart. I have to let her go and I hope it comes sooner than later.

 

I guess I am not asking for advice (though I am welcome on feedback or questions or anything that may help!), everything has been said here before. I am just having a bad day. It's bloody valentines and the love of my life is no more. But I am healthy and I am going to treat myself to a lovely pizza tonight and think of tomorrow and maybe think of the days of past and try and be analytical about it all, it had its highs whether it feels like it or not right now.

 

For all you guys in my boat, I wish we could get together and share my pizza (and a few beers) - there's plenty to go around!

Posted

Cheers bro! Ill take a swig. F*k em. They are gone. Ive been down that last few days but am going stand tall. No matter what cant let this body shot we've taken knock us out. They are just some girls..thats all. Lol :)

 

Enjoy the pizza and brews. Hell invite some girls I might catch a flight and swing by. :)

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Posted
Cheers bro! Ill take a swig. F*k em. They are gone. Ive been down that last few days but am going stand tall. No matter what cant let this body shot we've taken knock us out. They are just some girls..thats all. Lol :)

 

Enjoy the pizza and brews. Hell invite some girls I might catch a flight and swing by. :)

 

Thanks Cav, keep on trucking, I guess it's the only way to keep yourself sane and build up your confidence. I am quite far off that right now but the positivity of people on here gives me hope :)

 

Ahhhh you're right, but girls are so lovely.......

Posted

Sorry about your situation, but you're not alone, brother. Two months NC as of last week. Today is a ****ty day for me but most of the time it doesn't feel so bad as it did when it first happened. Keep moving forward. Beer and pizza sounds like a damn good time to me!

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