What would you do?

[jonesgr]

Okay, this is going to be super confusing. When I was 14 my oldest brother was in a car accident. He had a massive head trauma and died after 11 months, when I was 15. In this period of time, I tried dating girls, almost as coping with the emotional pain of having to watch my family suffer and my brother slowly waste away in a vegetative state.

 

It was miserable. I had one girl in particular who lied to me and deceived me at the time when I was 15, and when you add to that the general depression I felt during that time period, it's really difficult for me to be happy in a relationship to this day, and I just recently turned 25. I feel certain thought patterns were formed and I don't know how to think differently at times. Also my dad died when i was 18, which wasn't long after.

 

After that, any girl I try to get close to, I feel i dissect and pick apart everything that could be wrong, either about them, or in the relationship in general, and obsess about these things. I was told by a counselor at one time I had traits of codependency and it was a defense mechanism, that I wanted someone close, but i was so afraid of losing them that I push them away subconsciously, so as not to become to close or vulnerable. So I can really like someone but still feel "I just can't be happy in a relationship". But then the problem is, we are all at times when we are not ready for relationships, especially coming out of a fresh one. At times like these, I confuse my deeper layered feelings of fearing I'm ready with feelings which could be legitimate because of coming out of a relationship.

 

Okay, so I met a girl when I was 21 and we dated for 3 1/2 years. I don't know how but i worked through the feelings of fear and obsession with her. It was very difficult but I somehow did. We did not work out for many reasons, one being she had cheated on me in the first year but didnt tell me until the third. Which was super confusing. She apologized profusely and I don't pretend to be perfect in the relationship. But I felt the damage had been done, even tho the previous 2 years I do believe she was honest and dedicated to me, but that doesn't undo what she did, although she was only 18 at the time.

 

We broke up this last August, and I started a job in October where I currently work. Of course I had the usual feelings of missing her, as she really is a sweet and kind girl. She at times would voice how she missed me as well and so at times I wondered if we should date again but Never pulled the trigger. I didn't feel peace in it. I then was in an accident with a drunk driver where I broke my femur Oct 24. I was unable to walk for 7 weeks, and it was one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

 

I think this made me want someone and really changed my life. My perspective is different and my desires are different, it's as if i'm having an identity crisis so to speak. I started talking to a girl on new years who I had known all my life basically, but we just never really talked. She was a grade below me in school. She has a child and recently broke up with her ex this past October. So it is still relatively fresh for us both.

 

Okay here is my dilemma, I care a lot about her, but as I try to date her I am overwhelmed by those feelings of "not feeling ready", and then suddenly feelings of my ex flash through my mind even though this girl is soooo great and fun to be around. Her ex has been obsessive at times, and has voiced how he has wanted her back even while we were dating, but she swears all her feelings are gone for him. The fact she has a child with him makes it difficult to not feel insecure about I guess.

 

I try to be honest with her, it upsets her and me. I say I'm not ready but then I miss her sooo bad when she's not around. I keep going back and forth and have no peace, if anything I'm completely miserable. I want her around, but I'm miserable and have no peace when she is around because I don't feel I'm ready and I run through all these scenarios in my head about how it could work if I just thought about it differently, If i wasn't how I am, if if if..

 

But the situation isn't ALL me, I'm just bad about taking all the blame when something bothers me, as if nothing that bothers me would bother anyone else. We have clashed about certain values that we differ on, we largely have the same ones but not all. I guess I'm just wanting input. I feel so screwed up at times. But maybe the simple answer is that the timing is just not right and that's why I have no peace, I don't know.

 

So today I told her (horrible day for it, I know) that I don't feel I can handle a relationship and love someone how they should be loved for a relationship to be right. It's so difficult because as I said, if I'm in it I don't feel I should be or that I can be happy in it, but as soon as I tell her I can't I think of how "If I could just look at it differently it could be great.." scenarios. Thoughts?? I am a Christian by the way so if any of you are, feel free to think of it that way, as I do believe some of it is a spiritual battle as well.

[pteromom]

So today I told her (horrible day for it, I know) that I don't feel I can handle a relationship and love someone how they should be loved for a relationship to be right.

 

You broke up with her on Valentine's Day? Or you just threw this grenade in there for no reason?

 

Either way, you do sound very confused.

 

You say that some of your values line up, but not all. Are the ones that don't line up very important to you? If so, you should just listen to your instincts and move on.

 

If the ways you are mis-matched aren't important, you may be just reverting to letting fear of loss control you.

[flitzanu]

Okay, this is going to be super confusing. When I was 14 my oldest brother was in a car accident. He had a massive head trauma and died after 11 months, when I was 15. In this period of time, I tried dating girls, almost as coping with the emotional pain of having to watch my family suffer and my brother slowly waste away in a vegetative state.

 

It was miserable. I had one girl in particular who lied to me and deceived me at the time when I was 15, and when you add to that the general depression I felt during that time period, it's really difficult for me to be happy in a relationship to this day, and I just recently turned 25. I feel certain thought patterns were formed and I don't know how to think differently at times. Also my dad died when i was 18, which wasn't long after.

 

After that, any girl I try to get close to, I feel i dissect and pick apart everything that could be wrong, either about them, or in the relationship in general, and obsess about these things. I was told by a counselor at one time I had traits of codependency and it was a defense mechanism, that I wanted someone close, but i was so afraid of losing them that I push them away subconsciously, so as not to become to close or vulnerable. So I can really like someone but still feel "I just can't be happy in a relationship". But then the problem is, we are all at times when we are not ready for relationships, especially coming out of a fresh one. At times like these, I confuse my deeper layered feelings of fearing I'm ready with feelings which could be legitimate because of coming out of a relationship.

 

Okay, so I met a girl when I was 21 and we dated for 3 1/2 years. I don't know how but i worked through the feelings of fear and obsession with her. It was very difficult but I somehow did. We did not work out for many reasons, one being she had cheated on me in the first year but didnt tell me until the third. Which was super confusing. She apologized profusely and I don't pretend to be perfect in the relationship. But I felt the damage had been done, even tho the previous 2 years I do believe she was honest and dedicated to me, but that doesn't undo what she did, although she was only 18 at the time.

 

We broke up this last August, and I started a job in October where I currently work. Of course I had the usual feelings of missing her, as she really is a sweet and kind girl. She at times would voice how she missed me as well and so at times I wondered if we should date again but Never pulled the trigger. I didn't feel peace in it. I then was in an accident with a drunk driver where I broke my femur Oct 24. I was unable to walk for 7 weeks, and it was one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

 

I think this made me want someone and really changed my life. My perspective is different and my desires are different, it's as if i'm having an identity crisis so to speak. I started talking to a girl on new years who I had known all my life basically, but we just never really talked. She was a grade below me in school. She has a child and recently broke up with her ex this past October. So it is still relatively fresh for us both.

 

Okay here is my dilemma, I care a lot about her, but as I try to date her I am overwhelmed by those feelings of "not feeling ready", and then suddenly feelings of my ex flash through my mind even though this girl is soooo great and fun to be around. Her ex has been obsessive at times, and has voiced how he has wanted her back even while we were dating, but she swears all her feelings are gone for him. The fact she has a child with him makes it difficult to not feel insecure about I guess.

 

I try to be honest with her, it upsets her and me. I say I'm not ready but then I miss her sooo bad when she's not around. I keep going back and forth and have no peace, if anything I'm completely miserable. I want her around, but I'm miserable and have no peace when she is around because I don't feel I'm ready and I run through all these scenarios in my head about how it could work if I just thought about it differently, If i wasn't how I am, if if if..

 

But the situation isn't ALL me, I'm just bad about taking all the blame when something bothers me, as if nothing that bothers me would bother anyone else. We have clashed about certain values that we differ on, we largely have the same ones but not all. I guess I'm just wanting input. I feel so screwed up at times. But maybe the simple answer is that the timing is just not right and that's why I have no peace, I don't know.

 

So today I told her (horrible day for it, I know) that I don't feel I can handle a relationship and love someone how they should be loved for a relationship to be right. It's so difficult because as I said, if I'm in it I don't feel I should be or that I can be happy in it, but as soon as I tell her I can't I think of how "If I could just look at it differently it could be great.." scenarios. Thoughts?? I am a Christian by the way so if any of you are, feel free to think of it that way, as I do believe some of it is a spiritual battle as well.

 

follow your instinct. your gut and/or heart is telling you that you aren't 100% at peace or happy with this new girl, so maybe you shouldn't try to force it. sometimes doesn't matter how great someone is, that spark may not be there.

 

or, the other option, with all the tragedy you have dealt with, maybe seek counseling to work out some of the abandonment and depression issues.