DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Ok, as a disclaimer, I know that I'm a terrible person. I'm using the anonymity of the internet to make a confession. If you want to flame me for this, go to town. I'm curious if anyone else feels this way. I'm an attractive woman -- i dont really feel like it, but objectively I know that I'm considered very attractive. My boyfriend is also a very good looking guy. We're often told how well matched we are and that we look good together. My bf has also had sex with a bunch of really unattractive women. We ran into one last night at a club -- they had some kind of ongoing FWB situation. After he started dating me he cut off contact. She came over to say hi, he politely said hi and introduced me, and that was that. Well this woman is downright busted -- short, overweight, stringy greasy hair, and BRACES (we're in our 30's). I know of various others that are awful looking, too. I'm talking 2s and 3s. He also dated someone who was very unattractive, and who he describes as very pretty. I know I'm an ******* but it makes me feel less attractive -- like when he tells me how beautiful I am it's empty, because if those women are attractive, it's just not saying much. I get that men can have very low standards about who they have sex with, and higher standards about who they date, but other than 1 other gf he's only dated women significantly below him. Also, I've asked him if he was attracted to the unattractive women he slept with, he says yes. Can any guys explain this phenomenon to me? Any women get how I feel? I'll get past this I know, and as time passes it will be totally irrelevant -- 5 years from now i wont care who he banged. But about a year in it makes me feel ... icky:o
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Would you say he lacks confidence or has low slef-esteem? 1
Absewarrior Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Your idea of beauty and his differ in some ways... some people my friends think are gorgeous, I wouldn't take the time to turn my head for. We all have differing tastes. Don't obsess with this or you will show your shallowness and your insecurity and he will be offended and turned off. I have learned to never judge what others like...if we all liked the same things this world would be a sad place with lots of wallflowers. Enjoy your good relationship and don't bring uneccessary drama into it. AW 1
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Would you say he lacks confidence or has low slef-esteem? Not anymore, i'd say he's very confident now, but he claims he needed all of that sleeping around to feel confident. He grew up religious and very shy, didnt know he was attractive, married the first woman who showed interest in him when he was 20 and she was terrible to him. He then had 3 LTRs in a row, he says that he didnt know how to go on a date with someone, he'd just go right into relationships after a couple of dates. Then came 2 years of whoring around and wanting to prove to himself he didnt need a woman and could get any chick he wanted. Then a 1 year relationship with someone very attractive and back to whoring it with ugly chicks. Idk at this point if lack of confidence can explain banging a 2 when we started dating. A much older 2.
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Your idea of beauty and his differ in some ways... some people my friends think are gorgeous, I wouldn't take the time to turn my head for. We all have differing tastes. Don't obsess with this or you will show your shallowness and your insecurity and he will be offended and turned off. I have learned to never judge what others like...if we all liked the same things this world would be a sad place with lots of wallflowers. Enjoy your good relationship and don't bring uneccessary drama into it. AW The thing is that there's room for error, but there are some pretty objective standards of beauty. Maybe someone's 5 will be another person's 7, but I think maybe someone's 2 will be someone else's 4 but that doesn't say much. I don't obsess about this -- he knows my thoughts on it, ngl. But I've brought it up once, after finding out who the chick he slept with before we were serious was -- you're having the best sex of your life with me and you sleep with a woodlands troll? I know im terrible, but just being honest. 1
yongyong Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 women's psychology is interesting LOL If I just talk about ugly women at bars as a guy (I get disgusted every time I go out because of those ugly women who don't even put make ups and proper shoes), I am sure OP will flame me to support other females. Now she is attacking other ugly females because of his BF. anyways, maybe he likes to bang trash women because they are willing to go further? I am talking about all the nasty sexual acts you can imagine. Have you been fulfilling his sexual desires?
ls32ssibm Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 He's dating you. He was banging them. It's easier to bang ugly chicks, not spend any money on them, and continue to bang them. I hate to break it to you, but 99% of vaginas feel the same. Most guys can't get away with the same thing with a hot chick. So he used them to nut while he was single. Nothing more. Ever heard of "do-able not date-able"?
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 women's psychology is interesting LOL If I just talk about ugly women at bars as a guy (I get disgusted every time I go out because of those ugly women who don't even put make ups and proper shoes), I am sure OP will flame me to support other females. Now she is attacking other ugly females because of his BF. anyways, maybe he likes to bang trash women because they are willing to go further? I am talking about all the nasty sexual acts you can imagine. Have you been fulfilling his sexual desires? If you pointed out a woman at a bar who made no effort I wouldn't flame you, I believe in putting in effort. My bf tells me that i'm the best sex he's ever had and I know he means it -- our sex is incredible, we both like the same things, and we're both quite nasty. This is the best sex i've ever had, too, never had a man who could satisfy me in this department before, i have a high sexual appetite. Anyway, making assumptions about how I am in bed is pretty silly, by your reasoning if you want good sex you should only date ugly chicks. He's dating you. He was banging them. It's easier to bang ugly chicks, not spend any money on them, and continue to bang them. I hate to break it to you, but 99% of vaginas feel the same. Most guys can't get away with the same thing with a hot chick. So he used them to nut while he was single. Nothing more. He's dating you. He was banging them. It's easier to bang ugly chicks, not spend any money on them, and continue to bang them. I hate to break it to you, but 99% of vaginas feel the same. Most guys can't get away with the same thing with a hot chick. So he used them to nut while he was single. Nothing more. Ever heard of "do-able not date-able"? I know you're right to an extent, if not for the unattractive ex gf's. It was years ago, it does seem that his taste his evolved. I think the guy maybe just has bad taste. It's not a huge deal, but it does make me feel less "special" as his gf, which i know is dumb. It also means his compliments have little weight to me, but i dont need them for validation anyway.
Leigh 87 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Your idea of beauty and his differ in some ways... some people my friends think are gorgeous, I wouldn't take the time to turn my head for. We all have differing tastes. Don't obsess with this or you will show your shallowness and your insecurity and he will be offended and turned off. I have learned to never judge what others like...if we all liked the same things this world would be a sad place with lots of wallflowers. Enjoy your good relationship and don't bring uneccessary drama into it. AW Look at my avatar. A lot of people on here have said I am ugly and plain.. Yet for some reason, because I have a nice body, a lot of men view me as pretty in my real life! Yes, they think I have a pretty face! Those women are ugly to you but maybe they are pretty to him? I am seriously pretty to some people, yet ugly to others. 1
ls32ssibm Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 It sounds like he doesn't make you feel attractive or valued, which would be the real issue. I went from from a 3/10 girlfriend to an 8/10 (I lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of confidence) and I treated her like gold.
ChessPieceFace Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Not anymore, i'd say he's very confident now, but he claims he needed all of that sleeping around to feel confident. He grew up religious and very shy, didnt know he was attractive, married the first woman who showed interest in him when he was 20 and she was terrible to him. He then had 3 LTRs in a row, he says that he didnt know how to go on a date with someone, he'd just go right into relationships after a couple of dates. Then came 2 years of whoring around and wanting to prove to himself he didnt need a woman and could get any chick he wanted. Then a 1 year relationship with someone very attractive and back to whoring it with ugly chicks. Idk at this point if lack of confidence can explain banging a 2 when we started dating. A much older 2. Makes sense. He had no confidence or self esteem, was kicked around, and "climbed out of it" in a whorish way but I guess an understandable way. He's not blind. I'm sure he knows you're more attractive than his "stepping stones" so to speak. I actually don't know what your question even is. Seems like you just want reassurance that your guy actually finds you more attractive than women you say are unattractive. Edited February 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Joaquin Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 My last gf had an ex bf who was fairly dire, and like u, I wondered did it reflect that had I moved down the ladder of BS, whilst she had moved up. But I was mad into her so I didn't care. The gf before that had a bf who was most definitely better looking than me In between I had a few casuals who I didn't introduce friends and family, probably because, if im honest, they were not so physically attractive in the conventional sense and thought it reflected my inability to get a prettier girl. Bad I know, but sex is sex and when you don't know where yr next bit of action is coming from...you do what you do. I've since grown up. I wouldn't obsess about it. Peoples previous lovers/lays shouldn't define you if you love and care about the person you've chosen to be with. 2
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 It sounds like he doesn't make you feel attractive or valued, which would be the real issue. I went from from a 3/10 girlfriend to an 8/10 (I lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of confidence) and I treated her like gold. That's the thing, he's very kind and compliments me all of the time. He tells me that i'm beautiful, how much he likes my body. I recovered from an eating disorder that i had for 12 years while with him, to say that i am not the queen of confidence would be the understatement of the year. I also gained 8 kilos while with him which wasn't easy for me, but i needed to do it to be healthy. He's always been very supportive and he tells me how pretty i am, how much he likes my body. This is why I know that I'm a douche because this bothers me -- it shouldnt. If someone asks you about your 3 girlfriend if you were attracted to her, would you say that she's a very pretty girl? Or be more honest about it? Like its dumb but a guy who thinks that 3s are very pretty girls, when he tells me how pretty i am it's pretty meh. And Leigh, listen to people in real life, not internet trolls -- you are by no means ugly. 1
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Makes sense. He had no confidence or self esteem, was kicked around, and "climbed out of it" in a whorish way but I guess an understandable way. He's not blind. I'm sure he knows you're more attractive than his "stepping stones" so to speak. I actually don't know what your question even is. Seems like you just want reassurance that your guy actually finds you more attractive than women you say are unattractive. He finds me more attractive. I just wanted to see if anyone related to this or could explain where he was coming from or something. I'm not worried about my looks, it just makes me feel less "special" knowing that his standards are low, i guess. And again i know it's dumb. Thanks for the feedback, though, glad to hear it makes sense to you. Edited February 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Absewarrior Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Dazed: I hear what you are saying....like Woody Allen once said...I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member. Self-deprecatingly he meant that he didn't value himself so he didn't see why others would either. You don't feel confident about your appearance so you are feeling unsure if your bf has a real idea of what constitutes beauty, right? Based on his past tosses and one gf, you feel he doesn't really know what is attractive. Your insecurities are playing havoc with your brain right now and it isn't really accomplishing anything. If your relationship is gauged on his ability to tell good-looking based on some sort of antiquated and biased scoring system, then you need more than reassurance. You need to reasses whether or not you are emotionally ready to have a relationship with someone who has invested his time and energy into someone that he obviously adores. Honestly, I don't think you are an awful person. I think you are an insecure person and you are transferring your insecurities onto this guy that you say is basically a good bf. Be careful there or you could upset your relationship dynamics and this great bf could get tired of being judged on his past. Obviously from your ED's you know that your perceptions can be skewed also, right? this is deeper than feeling upset about your bf's ex- lays and ex-gf. This is about how you view yourself and how you want acceptance for your looks as this is what has been deemed important to you by your ED. Leigh- No excuse for trolls dissing that pic. 1
Joaquin Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 ^^^ totally agree. It all stems from an insecurity within ones self. When u get over that and have an acceptance of yourself, warts and all, your probably more available for genuine intimacy with someone. 1
crude Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 There's more to a woman than looks. From behind, who can even see a woman's face? Without makeup, no hot woman is hot. Age takes a toll. Women get fat. In a LTR, looks are overrated. Maybe a man wants a woman with a better personality and intelligence, attractive women aren't renowned for those attributes. Money is the most important thing of all (as women realize). A woman who brings $$$ into a relationship can give a man a good life, not be a dependent who drags him down for life.
SJC2008 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 2's OP? Come on now! I couldn't get laid in a brothel but I know I wouldn't bang a 2. They're probably 4's/5's.
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Absewarrior, You really hit the nail on the head, thank you for your post. He really is an amazing bf and it's not an intimacy issue -- he's the man i want to marry, he makes me happy, i tell him all of the time how much i love and value him. It's this stupid thing that pops up sometimes, some kind of weird phobia or something. I definitely won't let it ruin my relationship. I'm recovered now and still in intensive treatment but it takes time for the insecurity about my looks and body to fade, it's the last thing to go. I have faith that it will keep getting better though. Crude, i disagree with you -- looks aren't everything but attraction is very important. Part of it is looks, part of it is personality, part of it is chemistry. Without attraction and without good sex a relationship won't last. That's the thing with this bf -- with him I can see it being forever and not fading. I've never had that before. Money is absolutely not the most important thing -- money comes and goes. Love, shared values, shared outlooks on issues, theyre what matter.
Author DazedConfusedEtc Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 maybe you aren't that hot never said i was "that hot" what's for sure is that a guy who randomly insults women he's never seen on the internet isn't hot, either
Treasa Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 never said i was "that hot" what's for sure is that a guy who randomly insults women he's never seen on the internet isn't hot, either By the same token, people's attractiveness are raised and lowered by the things they say and how they act. So it doesn't matter what you look like, the fact that you're calling these other women wilderness trolls or whatever has severely dropped you pretty low in my mind on an attractiveness scale. Someone who might not be that attractive to me on a purely physical level might open his/her mouth and say the kindest, smartest, wittiest things, and that person's attractiveness level will shoot up to a 10 to me. Perhaps you should work on being more kind, both to yourself and to others, and you might find that you are happier. Good luck. 7
ChatroomHero Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 If you want to flame me for this, go to town.... never said i was "that hot" what's for sure is that a guy who randomly insults women he's never seen on the internet isn't hot, either Odd way to respond in light of the original post. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Ok, as a disclaimer, I know that I'm a terrible person. I'm using the anonymity of the internet to make a confession. If you want to flame me for this, go to town. I'm curious if anyone else feels this way. I'm an attractive woman -- i dont really feel like it, but objectively I know that I'm considered very attractive. My boyfriend is also a very good looking guy. We're often told how well matched we are and that we look good together. My bf has also had sex with a bunch of really unattractive women. We ran into one last night at a club -- they had some kind of ongoing FWB situation. After he started dating me he cut off contact. She came over to say hi, he politely said hi and introduced me, and that was that. Well this woman is downright busted -- short, overweight, stringy greasy hair, and BRACES (we're in our 30's). I know of various others that are awful looking, too. I'm talking 2s and 3s. He also dated someone who was very unattractive, and who he describes as very pretty. I know I'm an ******* but it makes me feel less attractive -- like when he tells me how beautiful I am it's empty, because if those women are attractive, it's just not saying much. I get that men can have very low standards about who they have sex with, and higher standards about who they date, but other than 1 other gf he's only dated women significantly below him. Also, I've asked him if he was attracted to the unattractive women he slept with, he says yes. Can any guys explain this phenomenon to me? Any women get how I feel? I'll get past this I know, and as time passes it will be totally irrelevant -- 5 years from now i wont care who he banged. But about a year in it makes me feel ... icky:o Anonymity aside, there are many people who think as you think. Most I would argue. You could ask yourself, "Why do you have to be the shallow one?" Why do you have to be the one who thinks of totally normal, non-disfigured persons with normal features as ugly? Why do you have to be the one who thinks just because your nose bridge is positioned a few millimeters higher and your eyes a bit further apart that you are deemed beautiful and another person ugly? It's really that small of a difference. Just like there are people who are racist, and those who are not, you can choose to be non-racist or you can choose to be a racist. You can take, take, take in this life and be unapologetic, or you can make this world a better place. I too, am using the anonymity of the internet to share my NEW philosophy. 4
mesmerized Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 never said i was "that hot" what's for sure is that a guy who randomly insults women he's never seen on the internet isn't hot, either Its not about insulting. I too suspect you might not be as attractive as you think you are. Men don't go from 2s to a 9. 5
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