Necris Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 In my previous thread where I mentioned the rejection I had this week, alot of the advice given was about slowly becoming friends first with women then after you've become good friends with them, then you attempt to ask them out. I'm just wondering is that really a good strategy? Besides the amount of time required to execute this plan, what happens if I'm rejected? I could potentially lose a friend. Plus does friendship really create attraction? Wouldn't friendship just make me a friend and not a potential date in her eyes?
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I am more likely to be attracted to someone that I interact with regularly than a stranger.
MrCastle Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 There is a difference between getting to know each other and seeing what happens "friends", and I don't like him so i'm going to call him my friend so he realizes he has no chance "friends". Understanding the difference between the two is vital to dating success. 3
CptObvious Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Women are not worth being friends with. Don't waste your time on these bimbos. If it was the other way around you wouldn't be attracted to some fat/ugly chick no matter how cool she was to you. Get some gains or get some money if you really want to improve your chances. Until then, just get some practice losing, and believe me, you wanna lose as fast as possible so you can forget about that hoe and focus on the next one.
CptObvious Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I am more likely to be attracted to someone that I interact with regularly than a stranger. lookin good
sweetkiwi Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 If you like this girl avoid the FZ like the plague. If she's just okay and you want to be friends, go for it. But there is nothing more unattractive than a man willing to take scraps instead of just going for what he wants. What happens if you are rejected? Nothing. That is an emotional thing. Cut. It. Out. 3
CptSaveAho Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Terrible Idea to become friends first... What if it doesnt work out? You wasted time trying to manipulate your way into their life by being their friend. Your feelings will be hurt and you will be grasping at straws to find another way to con them into liking you Why not just ask them out... if they dont have any romantic interest in you... they will politely decline or come up with a lame excuse as a reason for not going out with you Friendships destroy attraction... she can find a friend at a gas station or a grocery store 2
Author Necris Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I am more likely to be attracted to someone that I interact with regularly than a stranger. Yes I know being a random stranger doesn't help. But there's a huge gap between friend and stranger. The people I know who aren't enemies, who seem to have the potential of becoming my friend, who I talk to regularly I call associates, I don't trust or know them enough to be friends but they aren't strangers. Becoming good friends takes at least a few months, and I'm concerned that wouldn't I just be a friend, and not a guy she would date after this time? Plus if I do ask out a friend I can lose that friend from such a risky move.
CptSaveAho Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Yes I know being a random stranger doesn't help. But there's a huge gap between friend and stranger. The people I know who aren't enemies, who seem to have the potential of becoming my friend, who I talk to regularly I call associates, I don't trust or know them enough to be friends but they aren't strangers. Becoming good friends takes at least a few months, and I'm concerned that wouldn't I just be a friend, and not a guy she would date after this time? Plus if I do ask out a friend I can lose that friend from such a risky move. Read her quote again, she didn't say she was more attracted She was convincing herself.
ChessPieceFace Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Become "friends." Not friends. It would take too long to list all the differences. If you think that's overly succinct or cryptic, I'll say this. Feel free to get to know her or do whatever activities with her, as long as everything you do is with the mindset you believe you are a male worthy of dating her and worthy of her affection and respect. Naturally this will exclude any situation where you are a doormat in any way. Don't start running errands for her or being her "go-boy." Don't be "creepy" or appear like you have some special longing to be with only her. If she starts confiding in you a lot or talking about other men a lot, you done goofed. I'm speaking entirely from theory but I'm pretty sure I'm right.
Granin Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 But there is nothing more unattractive than a man willing to take scraps instead of just going for what he wants. To you. There's some real gross oversimplification that goes on around here 1
mustangguy29 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 In my previous thread where I mentioned the rejection I had this week, alot of the advice given was about slowly becoming friends first with women then after you've become good friends with them, then you attempt to ask them out. I'm just wondering is that really a good strategy? Besides the amount of time required to execute this plan, what happens if I'm rejected? I could potentially lose a friend. Plus does friendship really create attraction? Wouldn't friendship just make me a friend and not a potential date in her eyes? Terrible strategy. It is very rare to move out of the friend category into the boyfriend category. It basically only happens if the other person was also trying to be your friend hoping for more, and in those cases, if you had just asked them out, you could have skipped 3 months of being just friends. When I date a girl, I like to get to know her before we have sex, but it is very clear that my interest is romantic, not in being just friends. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 You mention the term associate, and that is reasonable. The bar is set incredibly high if someone is a random stranger. When someone gets to know you a little bit, they get a better picture of what makes you appealing as a dating partner. The key is to play to your strengths when you are looking for a date. What struck me about the exchange you had was how abrupt it was. Perhaps you had extended conversation? I don't know. But if you had two very brief exchanges of that nature, you would be relying entirely on looks to not only sell you, but also to overcome the awkwardness of your brief exchange(s). Every guy benefits from investing a little time and having the person get to know you and see your strengths. On the exceedingly rare instances where I have actually said yes to a cold approach, the guy spent hours in conversation before he ever asked me out on a date. The better someone knows you, the more informed the decision when you ask for a date. Getting to associate first is a reasonable approach IMO. BTW, how old are you Necris? Depending on your age, there are a few other things I might suggest. Good luck!
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 In my previous thread where I mentioned the rejection I had this week, alot of the advice given was about slowly becoming friends first with women then after you've become good friends with them, then you attempt to ask them out. I'm just wondering is that really a good strategy? Besides the amount of time required to execute this plan, what happens if I'm rejected? I could potentially lose a friend. Plus does friendship really create attraction? Wouldn't friendship just make me a friend and not a potential date in her eyes? If you care about success in terms of romance, then yes it's a bad idea. If you care about friendship and personal interactions, then fine, go for it, as long as you can handle the heartbreak.
clia Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 You mention the term associate, and that is reasonable. The bar is set incredibly high if someone is a random stranger. When someone gets to know you a little bit, they get a better picture of what makes you appealing as a dating partner. The key is to play to your strengths when you are looking for a date. What struck me about the exchange you had was how abrupt it was. Perhaps you had extended conversation? I don't know. But if you had two very brief exchanges of that nature, you would be relying entirely on looks to not only sell you, but also to overcome the awkwardness of your brief exchange(s). Every guy benefits from investing a little time and having the person get to know you and see your strengths. On the exceedingly rare instances where I have actually said yes to a cold approach, the guy spent hours in conversation before he ever asked me out on a date. The better someone knows you, the more informed the decision when you ask for a date. Getting to associate first is a reasonable approach IMO. BTW, how old are you Necris? Depending on your age, there are a few other things I might suggest. Good luck! Yes, this!!! The cold approach is so difficult anyway, but even more when it is abrupt and short. I don't think I've ever given my number to a guy who just walked up to me and asked me out without talking a little more first. It just comes off as kind of bizarre. From my perspective, why does he want to take me out? He doesn't even know me. I could be a complete lunatic. Doesn't he want to know a little more about me before he invests in an evening or phone call with me? Is he so intent on getting my number (and how many other numbers that night?) that he can't even engage in a little conversation first? It's a strange approach, and when posters like you, Sun Devil and some of the others who haven't had much luck talk about getting repeatedly rejected, my fear is that you are doing just that -- abruptly going up to strange women and asking them for their number or out on dates. You just aren't going to have much success with that approach. It has to flow naturally from your associations, conversations, and surroundings. Want to know how I met my current boyfriend? We were at a Meetup event, and he sat down next to me, and we started talking. We ended up talking for four hours straight. So, after that it was a no brainer when he asked me for my phone number.
Author Necris Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 You mention the term associate, and that is reasonable. The bar is set incredibly high if someone is a random stranger. When someone gets to know you a little bit, they get a better picture of what makes you appealing as a dating partner. The key is to play to your strengths when you are looking for a date. What struck me about the exchange you had was how abrupt it was. Perhaps you had extended conversation? I don't know. But if you had two very brief exchanges of that nature, you would be relying entirely on looks to not only sell you, but also to overcome the awkwardness of your brief exchange(s). Every guy benefits from investing a little time and having the person get to know you and see your strengths. On the exceedingly rare instances where I have actually said yes to a cold approach, the guy spent hours in conversation before he ever asked me out on a date. The better someone knows you, the more informed the decision when you ask for a date. Getting to associate first is a reasonable approach IMO. BTW, how old are you Necris? Depending on your age, there are a few other things I might suggest. Good luck! As for my latest approach, I've known that girl for a few weeks now, and before asking her out we had talked about other stuff as well.
normal person Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I'm just wondering is that really a good strategy? Besides the amount of time required to execute this plan, what happens if I'm rejected? I could potentially lose a friend. Plus does friendship really create attraction? Wouldn't friendship just make me a friend and not a potential date in her eyes? I remember the thread and I stayed out of it because it was going to be off topic, but yeah, I think it's a really bad idea. For one, if she hasn't already indicated that she likes you, it's more than likely a "no" (you might get a speculative "yes" but then you've still got work to do). For two, even if it does work out for a while, it might not work out in the long run, and then you have to see her all the time. I've got two pairs of good friends who decided they'd date. Both pairs had bad breakups and now avoid each other like the plague or don't even talk on the rare occasion that they end up in each other's presence (childish, I know). So the rest of us have to plan who we invite where and not tell the others and have them get upset when they find out (childish again, I know). Your other friends are bound to dislike the situation if this is how it ends up. And you're right, friendship does not typically create attraction. Most people aren't friends first. Keep your friends separate and I think you'll be much happier.
jcrew11 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 In my previous thread where I mentioned the rejection I had this week, alot of the advice given was about slowly becoming friends first with women then after you've become good friends with them, then you attempt to ask them out. I'm just wondering is that really a good strategy? Besides the amount of time required to execute this plan, what happens if I'm rejected? I could potentially lose a friend. Plus does friendship really create attraction? Wouldn't friendship just make me a friend and not a potential date in her eyes? Jeez, listen up, YOU Become a "Flirtatious Friend" - someone who is a nice guy and willing to help out, but you are not a doormat or too available and needy. Become the "Cool Sexy Friend" who can hang out, without expecting or forcing her to "kiss you or date you." Then after 3 weeks there is a build up of sexual tension and if she enjoys being around you, you can ask her for a kiss.
normal person Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Jeez, listen up, YOU Become a "Flirtatious Friend" - someone who is a nice guy and willing to help out, but you are not a doormat or too available and needy. Become the "Cool Sexy Friend" who can hang out, without expecting or forcing her to "kiss you or date you." I think he should be nice and willing to help out because that's what friends do. He shouldn't do it to try and squeeze a relationship out of it. Don't do nice things under the mask of friendship if you're actually after more. That's deceitful and it makes you look weak. You can't do a certain number of nice things and expect her to appreciate it so much that she'll want a relationship. That's very bad. Then after 3 weeks there is a build up of sexual tension and if she enjoys being around you, you can ask her for a kiss. "Three weeks, then you can ask," (?) This is a new one for me.
jcrew11 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I think he should be nice and willing to help out because that's what friends do. He shouldn't do it to try and squeeze a relationship out of it. Don't do nice things under the mask of friendship if you're actually after more. That's deceitful and it makes you look weak. You can't do a certain number of nice things and expect her to appreciate it so much that she'll want a relationship. That's very bad. "Three weeks, then you can ask," (?) This is a new one for me. No, you do nice things to show "you are not a creepy rapist but a safe guy." It is possible to be "flirtatious and fun" without needing ask for a date. Lets call it "Platonic-Dating" where you try to create attraction but hold off on making any moves or kissing her until she is ready. If she doesn't feel the same, she might have a hot best friend who wants to date you. Just prove you are a "good nice guy" who enjoys the company of many women, and eventually one of these girls will want to kiss you. Or maybe you are just pretending to be a "nice guy" but you are really an unlikeable person. Get real, guys can be nice to women without an ulterior motive. But you can build a relationship that can lead to more benefits later on.
normal person Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) No, you do nice things to show "you are not a creepy rapist but a safe guy." It is possible to be "flirtatious and fun" without needing ask for a date. Lets call it "Platonic-Dating" where you try to create attraction but hold off on making any moves or kissing her until she is ready. If she doesn't feel the same, she might have a hot best friend who wants to date you. Just prove you are a "good nice guy" who enjoys the company of many women, and eventually one of these girls will want to kiss you. Or maybe you are just pretending to be a "nice guy" but you are really an unlikeable person. Get real, guys can be nice to women without an ulterior motive. But you can build a relationship that can lead to more benefits later on. If they're already friends, it's pretty safe to assume she already thinks he's a good, nice, safe guy and not a rapist. I get what you're saying, it seems ok as long as the OP isn't anticipating a reward for doing what's expected of him as a friend. Whatever works for you -- I just don't think this will. This would be far from my MO. At that point in the game, if you have to ask to kiss, I think you're probably doing something wrong. I'm just not too into the idea of being friends first. Usually attraction is pretty apparent right off the bat. People will chime in here with a lot of exceptions, which are fine, sometimes you can earn it if it's not given right away. But that requires a lot of things. Edited February 14, 2013 by normal person
somedude81 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 You don't want to go beyond acquaintances with girls. Let them know who you are, talk to them a bit ask the out. Wait too long and they will make up their mind about you. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 As for my latest approach, I've known that girl for a few weeks now, and before asking her out we had talked about other stuff as well. I don't have a lot of detail, forgive me. Outside of running into the person, in a particular setting, are you getting to know her and building a little rapport beforehand? Many guys will text and call a few times before outright asking me on a date. If they ask for a date on the cold approach itself, it's been a couple of hours of easygoing conversation before they asked. You could also friend her on Facebook and message her there a bit beforehand. Depending on how much interaction you had, maybe this one was just not meant to be. That's always a possibility too.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 For what it's worth it seems to have worked for me recently.
Estate Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 In my previous thread where I mentioned the rejection I had this week, alot of the advice given was about slowly becoming friends first with women then after you've become good friends with them, then you attempt to ask them out. I'm just wondering is that really a good strategy? Besides the amount of time required to execute this plan, what happens if I'm rejected? I could potentially lose a friend. Plus does friendship really create attraction? Wouldn't friendship just make me a friend and not a potential date in her eyes? I know this is the "traditional" advice but I really don't agree. If you meet someone NEW, if there is some sort of attraction there then you need to attempt to have them see you as someone with dating potential. Putting yourself in the friend zone then eventually trying to win them over rarely works... not saying never but rarely. You have removed any attraction which may have been there initially.
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