drinking wine and reflecting

[grace777]

Well here I am... The night before the final holiday, and probably the hardest one for me thus far. We broke up just before Halloween, then there was (of course) Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and we each had a birthday...now Valentines Day. Yikes. So I should feel great for having made it this far and still be standing, but I don't.

 

I was feeling great. I joined LS about a month ago and idk if any of you are familiar with my story or my posts, but if you are, you probably know that for the last few weeks, I've been all over the spectrum. But now, here, tonight - I just miss her.

 

I keep thinking about how for the last 3 years we've celebrated all of these days together. Now those days are over. And I think that is the hardes part lately, I know it's 100% over, never to return. This day, this bookend to the last 4 months, is sort of symbolic. It marks a solid end. And I just hope for me, a new beginning.

 

I'm leaving town this weekend to travel across the country for a week. It will be busy and fun, so the perfect escape. But right now, I'm just really sad. Feeling nostalgic. And knowing that she is not. I can't help but picture her with her new lover tomorrow, saying and doing all the things she used to say and do with/for me. It breaks my heart. I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my head.

 

So as I do my laundry and pack my clothes, I drink wine and read all of your posts, wondering if you feel the way I do too. Any comments would be appreciated, although I have nothing in particular to ask. Just venting I guess.

 

Tomorrow is a day for celebrating love in all it's forms. I plan to focus on the other multitudes of love that surround me, but for now, in this moment, I'm just bummed. I miss my baby. I still love her so much - I wish I didn't, but she has my heart. Gah, when will this pain disappear forever? Ha, I guess there's a question.

[stevie_23]

I feel for you. And for me too.

 

I have no real issue with this particular day. My partner and I are going out for dinner later (Thai), and we'll give each other cards. This time last year when I was writing in her card, I felt strange because I was texting my ex-MM "Happy Valentine's Day" as well. Now at least I don't have that stress I suppose.

 

In terms of you...yes, it is sad to not be able to experience all those things you had with her anymore...to not be able to make any MORE memories but to just have the old ones...it IS very sad...of course, it is. But that doesn't mean you will never be happy...HAPPIER than you think you can ever be again...

 

Some hard truths...

 

You can't go backwards. All you can do is hold onto the happy memories, learn from the less than good times, and just let time heal your pain. It will do its job. Just might take a bit longer. You're getting there. You're doing SO well in this whole process. Better than me I think.

 

My point about not being able to go backwards is mainly that you are sad because of all the good times you had. And you long for them again. You know logically you can't have them now, but emotionally it's another story. You can't tell your heart to feel anything other than how it feels at any given time, unfortunately. But the thing is, the reality is that things DID change. Your ex did not feel the same in the end as you did, and things ended. You can't wish for the past to be the present. It just doesn't help anything. You CAN stay in this unpleasant limbo land of half living in the past and half wallowing in the present, but it sucks, frankly. So...moving forward. And you're doing that, so it's ok.

 

And this IS the hardest days of the year for newly broken up couples, you realise. It's a day WHOLLY focused on romance, partnership, intimate relations and love. I mean, COME ON! Twist the knife, why don't you, people!??! So if you can get through this? It'll be easier from here.

 

Oh, and have a GREAT time on your trip, by the way!!! It will be so good for you to get away.

[BigTuna]

The night is always darkest before the dawn, I wish you all the best for your trip you'll turn the corner, no doubt.

 

I got dumped on Boxing Day, 2 days after our 3rd year anniversary (yup Xmas eve) and my bday was on the 6th feb. so I too have had some horrid holiday days. However I'm getting better everyday - you just have to face it, she wasn't the one for you

[grace777]

Thanks, Stevie. I don't know that I'm doing any better than you though. If I am, it's only because I have a couple of months on ya haha.

 

I like what you said about not being able to relive the past, but I can make a choice to have one foot there and the other in sad-land. That is super true and I've never thought of it like that. I am really trying to move forward.

 

Ya know, the first couple of months this was so devastating to me, that I actually had to work at not thinking of her and the old times. If those memories/sadness/happy thoughts/whatever ever crept into my mind, I made a HUGE conscious effort to redirect my thoughts and change my physical state in order to stop that process. It felt like working out - it was so hard, but I did it. Time after time, multiple times throughout the days. It was exhausting. But it did work. Then, I felt better. I stopped the process. I didn't have those thoughts nearly as much, and when I did, it took little effort to change my state.

 

Lately, for some reason, it's hard again. And I've been lazy, still feeling like I don't have to put in the "work" to push it out and make myself focus on other things. The more lazy I've become with that practice, the more the thoughts have snowballed. I think I just need to do it again.

 

Yes, the trip will be amazing. I'll be surrounded by tons of super fun and positive people. I'm going to put in the work again and force myself out of this funk.

 

I'm glad you have a nice evening planned with your partner. I LOVE THAI FOOD! I hope you two can enjoy your time together, just celebrating the sincere love and care that I know you hold for each other.

 

Thanks always for your advice -- I wish you were a "real life" friend -- I'd love to grab a beer and talk some sh** with you! Haha. But LS will have to do.

[grace777]

Thanks Big Tuna - Florence and the Machine knows of what she sings, I suppose! And I'm so sorry you are going through this too. Good luck to you as well. We will push past this and into a better, brighter future. If I could just see it now, and not be forced to accept it on blind faith, I'd be so much happier. I love working toward goals -- I just like to see the end in sight, ya know?

[cavalier99]

 

Ya know, the first couple of months this was so devastating to me, that I actually had to work at not thinking of her and the old times. If those memories/sadness/happy thoughts/whatever ever crept into my mind, I made a HUGE conscious effort to redirect my thoughts and change my physical state in order to stop that process. It felt like working out - it was so hard, but I did it. Time after time, multiple times throughout the days. It was exhausting. But it did work. Then, I felt better. I stopped the process. I didn't have those thoughts nearly as much, and when I did, it took little effort to change my state.

 

Lately, for some reason, it's hard again. And I've been lazy, still feeling like I don't have to put in the "work" to push it out and make myself focus on other things. The more lazy I've become with that practice, the more the thoughts have snowballed. I think I just need to do it again.

 

This is exactly how i feel recently .sorta lazy and I'm paying the price. Before, i did all this hard work and it helped a lot. I pushed away all the thoughts. Did deep breathing all the time during the day. Positive self talk whenever my thought started spiraling out of control. Went out a lot. You name it i tried it. New clothes, new hair style etcetera ecetera

 

I think early on the BU caused such a huuuuge jolt to our system it sorta propelled us forward, with NC, drastic changes, we got poked with a cattle rod and jumped right too it.

 

Now i find myself wallowing and reminiscing more and don't quite have the zest and drive to get over this like i did before. Not going out as much etcetera. I don't know if it is lazy or I'm just slightly depressed. I'm definitely in a funk and it has made me question how far a long I really am and question how long this will take. Arrrgh.

 

We are both further along but it is really hard when things have settled down. i think we start to face the demons that life goes on without them. They aren't here and aren't coming back and the mad dash at self improvement doesn't necessarily take away all the hurt and it might be here for quite a bit. Just not a stinging as early on.

 

It was like early on i was in a imaginary competition with her to get where she is. Indifferent. Imagining myself soo improved and her seeing it in a imaginary scenario (i knew it was imaginary). Now this fake competition is over. I've improved myself somewhat but I'm here alone to celebrate. Stark reality has set in and it sorta hurts still. Lol

 

Maybe we both need to rededicate ourselves to pushing forward. I think your trip is a great idea! Have fun and be safe. Cav

Edited February 14, 2013 by cavalier99

[grace777]

This is so very true, Cav. And I cannot wait to get out of my familiar environment to think about how I'm going to re-proppel myself into forward motion. I can't wait to come back and start kicking a** the way I did a couple of months ago. If that progress was a measurable factor from ground zero (at my worst), logic says that if I make the same progress from where I currently am emotionally, by summer I'll be me again. That's the goal anyways.

 

After work today, I was driving around running errands to pick up odds and ends for my trip - literally everywhere there were reminders of her -- around every corner, at the restaurants, bars, the flower shop where I bought tons of rose petals last V-day, and on and on... It was rough. I need to get away and be surrounded by happy, fun and positive people...in a new environment with no history of me and my ex.

 

Thanks for your feedback, everyone! It helps more than you know.

[stevie_23]

HEH! You know what? I HATE beer! lol. But I'd have a hot chocolate with you. (yes, I know...I am TRES LAME!)

 

Anyway, I know ALL about having to constantly make the effort to redirect your thoughts away from all things ex-related. It is EXHAUSTING. This is precisely why I went on anti-depressants / anti-anxiety meds. Seriously. I was so over always having to tell myself to SHUT UP! Or SHHH! Or just always having to force my thoughts to stay on the straight and narrow. I felt like a weird horse with blinkers on, and if he ever looked to either side (where all the "ex" stuff was located), his head was given an electric shock to keep him looking only straight. (that is such a weird analogy, I just realised. Apologies for that. lol. I have a headache today and my brain's weird.)

 

After the breakup, I stopped eating, I lost a heap of weight I didn't need to lose, I was having trouble sleeping, and then even when I started to sleep ok, I'd wake up and be literally talking to him in my sleep / dream and then I'd have these constant swirling repetitive thoughts and songs would get stuck in my head that were significant for whatever reason, and I'd wake up crying...it just sucked. Medication combined with time has really helped me.

 

But I think what's going on for you in terms of being "lazy" about the thought process control stuff...you're not actually lazy, but I think it's more a case of you progressed to a certain point and you had developed coping mechanisms to get to that point, and then when you started to feel more ok, you let those mechanisms drop, because...well, why not? You were ok, right? To an extent, anyway.

 

So now the emotional rollercoaster that occurs post-breakup has dipped again somewhat, and your coping mechanisms were sort of unprepared for this particular dip.

 

It may not help that much if you do the exact same things you did before to control your thoughts. You may not find it even necessary to banish all thoughts of her from your mind. You may be at that plateau type stage where you're ok, but you want to be BETTER than ok. You want to appreciate the good times and be truly HAPPY by yourself, or with someone else eventually. You don't want to HAVE to live your whole life only able to function happily if you never think of her. That's just not practical or functional. And it's also not FAIR to you either, because it was a good relationship. Why ignore it? It shaped you, helped you grow, showed you things about yourself and taught you about relationships, and showed you love...how to show it and accept it. It also taught you valuable things about the end of an important relationship. So...those things should technically be cherished and valued, not pushed aside (beyond the initial healing period, when it's just too hard to even think about anything like that...which you have mostly passed now).

 

I say be patient with yourself and your mind. Try to enjoy this trip that you're going on. See how the totally different surroundings go in terms of not only distracting you from your thoughts and routine, but in terms of sparking your "alive" feelings. Feeling happier, etc.

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

HEH! You know what? I HATE beer! lol. But I'd have a hot chocolate with you. (yes, I know...I am TRES LAME!)

 

Alcohol is good, especially Heineken. Or maybe some Patron, mmmm... But yeah, hot cocoa is awesome as well! Especially with those little marshmallows, and whipped cream, and chocolate chunks, and some cinnamon.....oh yeah XD! lol, I was feeling pretty darn down a second ago, but talking about that massively awesome cup of hot cocoa cheered me up somehow!

 

But yeah, it's hard to forget about those of whom we loved so much and invested so much of ourselves in. I just came out of a serious relationship and I haven't a clue how I can stop these thoughts about her from pouring through my brain. I try just not thinking about it but honestly, that simply won't work.

[stevie_23]

Medication, my friend. And copious amounts of marshmallow-filled hot chocolate. lol.

 

Nah seriously, time heals all wounds. And some serious introspection helps too.

 

It's ok to think about your ex and the breakup and the relationship and yourself in terms of this situation as long as it's PRODUCTIVE. Or trying to be. As long as you're trying to ACHIEVE something from all those thoughts.

 

Are you trying to understand why things didn't work out?

 

Are you trying to understand why you or she ended things?

 

Are you trying to understand your ex in general and how they behaved the way they did / or understand yourself and why you behaved the way you did?

 

Are you trying to gain some inner peace from this whole thing so you can move on?

 

Do you feel honestly that your ex loved you and cared for you while you were together?

 

Do you let go of taking any responsibility for the situation / accepting there was nothing you could do to change it in the end? This helps.

 

I'd suggest trying to reduce the urge to over-think and repetitive-think by having a discussion with her in your mind...out loud is better too. You can try to put words in her mouth in a respectful, honest way so maybe her "answers" can help settle you a bit. And you can at least express how YOU feel honestly. This didn't really help me though...I just kept blabbing to him in my head endlessly because it wasn't "getting it out" as I couldn't actually talk TO him. Ugh.

[grace777]

Well - i'm f***ing so STUPID! I have a million things I should be doing right now, but I'm just messing around online, procrastinating. In a VERY FOOLISH moment, I checked Instagram. WHY?!!

 

I saw a picture of her and the new girlfriend at the top of my feed, arms around each other with a caption that says, "...blah, blah, blah...my best valentine ever...blah, blah.."

 

Now my heart is racing and I feel awful. Why post the 'best ever'? She knows I see it. She just "liked" a picture I put up yesterday. We had 3 wonderful valentines days together. Damn. I'm so dumb.

 

Yes, I know, I need to delete her - please spare me the lecture right now. I already feel bad enough.

 

Maybe I could use some of that hot cocoa right now - with like 6 shots of Bailey's mixed in...

[stevie_23]

Mmm, Baileys is GOOOOD.

 

Yeah...seeing stuff like that photo and the remark about the "best" Valentine's ever...that SUCKS. I SO know how that feels. Not with my current ex, THANK GOD, but with my very first ex.

 

I STUPIDLY stalked her online after she broke up with me, as I felt she wasn't being completely open with me and I just couldn't let go, and I found out that she was not only with the girl she had told me she was NOT serious about, but that this girl was "the love of her life" and they were moving in together in a month. OMG OMG OMG, RIP MY HEART OUT!!!!!!!!

 

But unlike your ex, MY ex at that time didn't know I would ever read that (she still doesn't know I read it actually). I think your ex...is just completely in "friend" mode now. She honestly can't even really see how words like that would affect you, you know?

[grace777]

Yes Bailey's is so GOOD! Haha. And you could be right about her in the friend thing right now. But part of me thinks it may also be deliberate. Idk. Then again, the only reason she'd do that deliberately would be to either get a reaction, or to hurt me and push me out I guess.

 

Your stance is probably the right one. She could just be oblivious and in love with this new skank haha. Not that I'm bitter.

 

I know I need to cut ties. And honestly, I think I would, but it's complicated. Our relationship was mostly secret. That, I believe, was part of the problem. And our mutual friends (in real life and on fb, Insta, etc) don't know we were together and then broke up. They think we were just super close friends for years...haha. If I delete her, it will be noticeable and 'out' us and our past relationship - causing problems. I don't want to out us now...it's so pointless. So I have to leave her in my social networking stuff. I have 'ignored' her on FB and I resist looking at her profiles. But I don't know how to do that on Instagram. And this picture and caption was at the top of my feed.

[stevie_23]

Hmm, that DOES add an extra degree of difficulty to the equation.

 

This also is sort of a bit how it was with my first ex. We were best friends from age 14 (and still are), got together at age 18 and she broke up with me at age 22. And while most of our friends knew at some point (most of them are gay too, so it didn't matter), some didn't and my parents didn't know. Well actually my mum did (that didn't go down very well, lol) but my dad didn't (and STILL doesn't know about me, I think!!!!)

 

So it was SO hard going home each day to my parents and to have to pretend I was fine when I was distraught over losing the girlfriend I wasn't supposed to be with in the first place!

 

I don't think if you UN-friend her on FB that it will necessarily "out" you. The thing also is, if she's posting stuff about her and her new gf on there, wouldn't your friends know that SHE is gay? Was this never an issue for you? I was always worried my dad would find out my ex was gay and therefore put 2 and 2 together and work out that I too was gay. So if your friends who don't know about you two know SHE is gay...well...you know what I mean?

 

Also, a lot of MY FB friends wouldn't even notice if I un-friended someone. You could just say you're whittling down your friends, not spending as much time online anymore, you accidentally did it and then just don't "fix" the error...stuff like that maybe? But yeah, ignoring her on there instead of actually deleting her...that's a good thing to do for now.

[grace777]

Thanks. Yeah, it's tough. It's complicated. She has, since we broke up, come out to everyone. I have come out too, to many people, but no one knew about us (well 2 other friends did). The age difference is the main culprit to this. It would just be frowned upon. I think that part of the reason that this is so hard for me to move on from is because, as you stated, I haven't been able to be/act heartbroken to those closest to me, because they never knew. Coupled with that, she was the first woman I've ever been with. I'd always dated men before. So this was the first lesbian love, and honestly I believe, the first time I've ever even been in love. I thought I was before, but I now know I wasn't...until her.

 

I will consider deleting, but I just don't know. My original fears are still there.

 

I feel better just having talked it out online a bit. I can't tell anyone about it, so I'm telling the whole world on this site! Ha. But seriously, Stevie, thanks.

 

I know she's with her. I knew she'd be with her tonight. It's just the comment about the new lover being the 'best valentine ever' that stings so much. But now that I've aired my thoughts, I do feel a bit better about it.

[stevie_23]

I think it's always just really hard to SEE what you already sort of know, or didn't quite want to fully admit to yourself.

 

The fact she's with her new gf you already knew. The fact that you spend V Day with your gf, you already knew, so that all makes sense. The fact she said the new gf is the "best" Valentine ever, well...that's hurtful but it STILL fits in with the other things you already knew, because when you're newly in love, you DO consider them the "best" ever, even if technically / later, you don't.

 

Basically, she wouldn't be with this new girl if she didn't have very strong feelings. At least...maybe that's SOMETHING? Like...she could ONLY leave you because she had SUCH feelings for this girl? As opposed to her leaving you for...nothing much? I don't know...I honestly don't know if it's better or worse. I guess it all kinda sucks. lol

 

And yeah, I can't tell ANYONE in my real life about my recent breakup or ex-married man. So I blab to the world here instead. lol