I'm feeling so lost and horrible :(

[Kid M]

I've never looked for help or advice about anything involving relationships, but here I am. I had a whole 1500+ words essay typed up to explain everything from the beginning, but as of yesterday I think it's no longer needed. However, here's a little bit of background story.

 

I met my girlfriend about 14 months ago and we got into it right away, just felt like we had a connection. She was moving away to a different state after 2 weeks when we met, but we still wanted to have a relationship together and so we did. At the time she was 19 and I was 22. Now she is 20, soon to be 21 and I am 23. We did the long distance thing for a good 13 months (prior to this I've only been a relationship for 6 months but nothing as serious). Lots of bumps the whole way through (ex problems, insecurity and trust issues, and more). We loved each other a lot and thought about spending the rest of our lives together and even talked about getting married and having a future together, but not for another few years at least. About 9-10 months into the relationship we would have lots of arguments, almost 2-3 times a week where we would stay up until 3AM or so video chatting and it always being the same silly little things blowing up. I was getting tired of it and quite easily frustrated and would not try as much. My patience had worn quite thin. We took a break for a week in December, but after things got a little better; we didn't argue as much, but the arguments were still bad whenever they happened.

 

So fast forward from all that, in the beginning of the month she moved back here. About a week before she moved back, we had a huge argument and I told her that this was it for me and I sort of broke it off with her. After 2 days in limbo we talked and decided that we would try to work it out and have a "fresh start" when she got back.

 

I used to be head over heels crazy for this girl, we used to talk about marriage and having a future, but not for at least 2 or 3 years down the road. We fought a lot, had a lot of bumps but nothing that we couldn’t work through. I thought I would be

so

excited and happy for her to be back, but I’

m

not. Don’t get me wrong, I am, but it’s just not the same crazy way that I used to be. I would want to see her all the time, but now I don’t mind if I don’t see her all that much. I like having the time and space to myself. Now, a lot of times I think that this isn’t what I want, that I’

m

unsure about having a future with her. For a couple months my head would think it's probably better to let go, but then my heart wouldn't let me. Sometimes I’

m

unhappy, but a lot of the times I’

m

just indifferent. Now, I feel like that I should just let go and stop wasting her time and my time. Sigh…I’

m

just confused and don’t know what I want or what I should do. I need some advice. I need somebody to talk to.

 

That's how I've been feeling now for about a week or so. I've told her before that I was unsure about our relationship and what I wanted, but we still tried to work it out. Yesterday, out of nowhere she texted me asking if I was still unsure. So, I told her the truth about how I felt and left nothing out. I explained what I was feeling as best as I could, about being confused, unsure, and just lost. I told her that I need time and space to myself to just figure things out because I'm not happy with some things about myself and I want to change all that. She's been giving me so much love and care, unconditionally, and I haven't been giving her the 100% that she deserves. I told her that it was unfair for her to be going through that and be putting up with that while I try to sort my life out. We haven't talked since last night.

 

There's no other person in this picture, and I'm not even thinking about other girls or even having a relationship with somebody else. I guess I just need the time and space to myself and am unsure about the relationship. So I shouldn't be in a relationship with her because it is completely unfair to her if I am not giving it my all. She's a really sweet, caring, loving girl. I feel so horrible for hurting her like this, but at the same time I knew that I couldn't keep hurting her and just had to let go.

 

This was all through text...it just happened to be that way I didn't mean for it to. I asked if we could meet in person and talk about all of this, but she didn't want me to "slap whatever I'm saying in her face." I looked at it from her perspective and felt horrible, even now just thinking about what she is going through and what I did to her I feel so bad, I'm almost on the verge of tears. I re-read our text conversation and can barely hold the tears back because I feel so bad.

 

I still love her and care for her so much. I've been thinking about her all day today just wondering how she's doing. I couldn't sleep for hours last night. I want to just reach out to her and let her know that I'm here for her, but I don't think that's a good idea because I don't want to lead her on or anything. Just the thought of her crying makes me want to cry and want to be able to just hug her and tell her I'm sorry. I'm just so torn up inside. I don't know what to do or think

[Absewarrior]

Kid M:

You did the right thing....being honest and open is the kindest thing you can do when you are in a relationship that has no future. Don't feel bad and horrible because you have freed her so she can move on with her life to find someone who is more compatible with her.

This is the time in your life when you make hard choices like this in order to find the right person to share your life with...this relationship didn't work so you figure out what you liked about it and what you didn't and in the future you will know what type of woman you want to pursue a relationship with. When you find the right one after many relationships with various nice girls, you will know it because it will be so very easy and you will rarely fight about petty stuff but have mature and respectful discussions about real issues.

Leading her on would be unkind...let her go and move on. you both will be better for not prolonging the hurt and pain of breaking up.

Good luck,

AW

[Lee Lo]

AW couldnt be more right.. It feels bad to hurt somebody you care about but it would be 10 times worse to hurt from a lie than to hurt from the truth. Even if shes feeling sad now, she will be able to respect the kindness youve shown her by being straight forward.

Dont beat yourself up for your change of heart either, Long distance relationships are tough and they take a lot more trust, and effort than a relationship where you might see that person everyday. Arguing all the time can effect your relationship and its completely normal to get exausted with it. You found what you did and didnt like in a relationship...just apply that to your next one.