Taking deep breaths

[th90]

It's Valentine's. I'm back in my hometown this week but no one is available to hang with me today. I somehow got a bit depressed too.

 

I've been so busy the entire of January till the first week of Feb with uni exam. I was so busy studying and doing group discussion I barely thought of my ex. Now that I have nothing to occupy myself with, I feel like I'm going crazy. Please suggest stuffs I could do. I've done shopping, got new hairstyle, going out, drinking, movies, working out, and every other thing.

 

For most of you who don't know, I'm 3 months 9 days post BU from a 7 years 3.5months relationship. I've been in NC since. The fact that my ex never attempted to make any contact makes me feel betrayed too as he was the one who made all the promises and broke them as easy as he made them. Well I know I'll be thanking him for not contacting me though one day in the future.

 

At the moment I feel like I've reached a plateau and I don't know what else I can do to progress myself further to recovery. I've done almost everything I could to put him in the past but I'm still very much hung up on him. At this stage I've become doubtful as to whether I'll ever make full recovery.

[TheWeeknd]

-Find some new hobbies.

-Make short term and long term life goals to better yourself. (This can be educational, career, financial or just self improvement goals)

-Volunteer and contribute to society and make yourself feel like you are able to help others. (This in turn will make you feel good about yourself.) I personally am thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter in the upcoming summer once school is over.

-Travel with family or friends, go to places you have never been before. If you are adventurous you can even travel by yourself.

 

Finally remember that the best revenge is to better yourself. Be thankful for everything that you have now and eventually learn to love and trust again.

[stevie_23]

Sometimes this happens when you're distracted from thoughts and feelings of your ex and the relationship for a while. They're put on hold (and therefore so is the grieving / moving on process) during that busy time.

 

So now...no distractions. There are only so many activities you can do, you know. No matter what, you can never escape your own mind. And you shouldn't be running yourself into the ground with endless distraction activities just so you don't ever think about your ex.

 

You HAVE to think about him in order to move on. And I don't mean dwelling on every little thing he ever said and then didn't follow through on. And I don't mean spending all your time wishing he would come back to you or that things had been different and the BU hadn't happened.

 

I mean I personally think the only way you can move off this plateau you're currently on is to find some sort of inner peace and understanding about the situation. You said you felt betrayed because he promised you things, and then you feel he let them all drop easily, and then didn't talk to you again. This is somewhat similar to my ex. He told me we'd always be together, that he'd never leave me, that we would be together forever and then he left suddenly and hasn't talked to me since.

 

I have done a LOT of thinking about this whole thing, and I understand why he did it. I know he loved me when we were together. That brings me peace. Just because it's over and not everything he said came true doesn't negate that. Also, because he ended things does not automatically mean he has found it "easy". No way. I doubt it's been easy for him. Obviously it's been way worse for you, but it's never easy on anyone in this sort of situation.

 

So yeah...maybe the last step of your moving on process is to let go of some of your anger and feelings of betrayal directed at him...

[th90]

Thanks for the suggestions I hope I'll be able to get something out of it.

 

I should have mentioned this. I'm a full-time medical student, currently in my clinical years. I can't really find any time to do anything. I only have about a couple of hours a day to really slack off and with that limited amount of time I'd prefer to just chill with a cup of tea watching movie and snacking away.

 

Since i'll be stuck with this same old life until end of next year, there's nothing I could do to change my focus in life. Which is also why it's hard for me to move on. For the past years, my ex has always told me he'd propose once I graduate and that had actually kept me going.

 

As much as I love to have a holiday I'm dreading it because it's the time when I think about my ex way too much. Well I can't wait to get back to uni (next week) and burn some brain cells studying (also what I'm dreading!) rather than feeling like crap missing my ex now.

[CautionaryTale]

First of all, sorry that you're going through this. There are no words that will heal your heart, wish there was a magic pill or something...

 

You seem to have been doing a remarkable job keeping busy, which is great. There's always going to be a day here and there that's kind of empty. They're tough, here's a list of my favorite time killers...

 

- Bookstores - Find a few books you're interested in, grab a latte from the Starbucks and bunker down. I can waste at least 2 hours at a bookstore.

 

- Scrapbooking - I've recently picked this up and it's a lot of fun, there are even scrapbooking clubs you can join. Though I am not devoted enough.

 

- I have hit every single museum in this bloody city. There are more than I had thought. Interesting full day and I learned stuff! Imagine the surprise...

 

- Netflix, this has gotten me through some rough nights. I picked up many new favorites too. Breaking Bad? INCREDIBLE.

 

- Go swimming, head to the local sportsplex and take a few laps, really good way to blow off some steam.

 

 

You will recover from this. 3 months is not that long (In relation to healing.), hang in there and keep your friends close. You'll get there, it's going to just take time. Soon you will be swamped again and will have no time to dwell.

 

*Hugs

[th90]

And you shouldn't be running yourself into the ground with endless distraction activities just so you don't ever think about your ex.

 

 

This is very true. When I kept myself busy it was the best I've felt since the BU. When the exam was over, I was like "Oh ****.. what do I do now (to keep him off my mind)!"

[RR1]

Yeah it's hard moving on, i have exactly the same problem. I so wanted to do something special for V-day but i got dumped. I couldn't try anymore, i tried everything i could think of and nothing worked, i figured if nothing worked after all that i tried then nothing would. I was out of ideas completely, i let her know that i would talk if she contacted me with a signal, anything at all but she wouldn't do it. I still bought a V-day card and chocolates in the vague hope, i was going to buy flowers as well but i pretty much knew she wouldn't give me a sign so i figured i should stop fooling myself and move on. Hard work at times.

[th90]

Yeah it's hard moving on, i have exactly the same problem. I so wanted to do something special for V-day but i got dumped. I couldn't try anymore, i tried everything i could think of and nothing worked, i figured if nothing worked after all that i tried then nothing would. I was out of ideas completely, i let her know that i would talk if she contacted me with a signal, anything at all but she wouldn't do it. I still bought a V-day card and chocolates in the vague hope, i was going to buy flowers as well but i pretty much knew she wouldn't give me a sign so i figured i should stop fooling myself and move on. Hard work at times.

 

I hope you're feeling better now. Stay strong!

[stevie_23]

This is very true. When I kept myself busy it was the best I've felt since the BU. When the exam was over, I was like "Oh ****.. what do I do now (to keep him off my mind)!"

 

I personally was unable to even SHOWER for the first week after my ex broke up with me (don't judge me, ok? lol) I couldn't stand ANY times when I was alone and it was quiet, with no distractions from my thoughts. I had to ALWAYS be watching TV, ALWAYS reading something, etc. I couldn't just...BE.

 

I am much better at this now, thankfully. And you will be too at some stage, if you let your feelings come and try to find some sort of viewpoint on the situation that helps bring you peace.

[th90]

I personally was unable to even SHOWER for the first week after my ex broke up with me (don't judge me, ok? lol) I couldn't stand ANY times when I was alone and it was quiet, with no distractions from my thoughts. I had to ALWAYS be watching TV, ALWAYS reading something, etc. I couldn't just...BE.

 

I am much better at this now, thankfully. And you will be too at some stage, if you let your feelings come and try to find some sort of viewpoint on the situation that helps bring you peace.

 

I wouldnt judge you! I almost needed to get hospitalized myself during the first week. I've done all i could to get back at my own feet. I've been praying a lot and listen to lots of dharma talks and i personally find a lot of inner peace that comes from that. I dont hate my ex. I may get angry sometimes when i realize he's doing great while i struggle to move on. But my anger usually doesnt last more than a few hours. Can be as short as 15minutes and it(the anger) rarely hits me too.

 

I can say that i'm happy most of the days(conscious efforts!) but it seems that i'm not progressing anymore, which is why i stated that i've reached a plateau. I consciously know that for as long as i remain studying my life is not going to change. I'm dreading it as i know till then i wont be able to move on. At the same time i do want it to be over with. I hope i'm making sense lol

[cavalier99]

Yo th90 whats up gal? Sorry your in a funk..me too. I've also sorta plateaued. In fact for a few days i felt like i regressed. I think this is normal. Early on we have this massive motivation to get better and improve and be able to function.

 

Now that we can function we are hit with a little lack of motivation and the stark reality that this is our life now and they aren't in it. All delusional thinking and tricks we played on our selves to be able to function early on don't work anymore. We need to find a new way to cope and this is a little vexing.

 

I also feel like this phase could go on for some time and it is sorta depressing. I guess we somehow need to find a sense of inner peace that has been eluding us. The tough part now is knowing that it is all on us now to move forward. I'm a little bit at a loss a far as advise. I'm not even motivated to go out and hit on women at the bars....So obviously I've been a little stuck also.

 

Just know that I'm rooting for you like always. Rock on! Cav

[th90]

Yo th90 whats up gal? Sorry your in a funk..me too. I've also sorta plateaued. In fact for a few days i felt like i regressed. I think this is normal. Early on we have this massive motivation to get better and improve and be able to function.

 

Now that we can function we are hit with a little lack of motivation and the stark reality that this is our life now and they aren't in it. All delusional thinking and tricks we played on our selves to be able to function early on don't work anymore. We need to find a new way to cope and this is a little vexing.

 

I also feel like this phase could go on for some time and it is sorta depressing. I guess we somehow need to find a sense of inner peace that has been eluding us. The tough part now is knowing that it is all on us now to move forward. I'm a little bit at a loss a far as advise. I'm not even motivated to go out and hit on women at the bars....So obviously I've been a little stuck also.

 

Just know that I'm rooting for you like always. Rock on! Cav

 

Well well well, you basically just added so much sense into my head. You're absolutely right. Reality phase 2 is sinking in. Phase 1 being the time when we have to accept that they're gone lol

 

NOW we know.. they really ARE GONE.

 

I hope you'll feel better soon. I'm rooting for you too!

[stevie_23]

I'm rooting for ALL of us!!!

 

I've been in Phase 2 for a while and I'm trying not to let it worry me too much. The fact that yes, I'm ok now, but...is "ok" it? Is this ALL I will be now? I want to be BETTER than ok but don't know quite if I ever will be...I'm sure I was still happier when I was happy with HIM, you know? But I can't go back to that now because it's not an option, so...here I am instead. Meh.

 

The first phase is ridiculous in terms of the pain and difficulty that comes with it, but it's more about plain survival than actually attempting to have a proper LIFE or any sort of happiness. You just don't want to die of the pain, that's all. The first phase is also all about your ex. What they did. How you feel about it. How to change it somehow. Stuff like that.

 

The next phase (this current phase it seems we're in) is about US and us alone. That's kinda confronting.

[th90]

I can't believe merely receiving news from a friend about my ex being back in town stirs up a storm inside my heart. I haven't replied to ask about anything and don't plan to.

 

I feel so suffocated right now :'(

[cavalier99]

I can't believe merely receiving news from a friend about my ex being back in town stirs up a storm inside my heart. I haven't replied to ask about anything and don't plan to.

 

I feel so suffocated right now :'(

 

Yeah, it is somewhat disconcerting when we feel those strong emotions again out of no where. Yesterday day i accidentally saw some old photos of us, i looked for like 15 seconds.

 

I then proceeded to cry for like 15 minutes, deep snotty, blubbery, face red and scrunched up and ugly non stop cry...then i stopped and started up again. Haven't cried like that since November.

 

Anyway, i felt better after ..but somewhat empty and dead inside, even the feelings for her. Today I'm fine. I guess we just need to keep on letting it out until its gone.

 

Maybe we are like subconsciously killing the emotional connection to them every time we do this. This whole thing is really toughing us up i think even if we don't see it right now.

 

I sorta got a glimpse of the day i might be able to see her and feel nothing after going thru this ordeal.

 

Cav

[th90]

Yeah, it is somewhat disconcerting when we feel those strong emotions again out of no where. Yesterday day i accidentally saw some old photos of us, i looked for like 15 seconds.

 

I then proceeded to cry for like 15 minutes, deep snotty, blubbery, face red and scrunched up and ugly non stop cry...then i stopped and started up again. Haven't cried like that since November.

 

Anyway, i felt better after ..but somewhat empty and dead inside, even the feelings for her. Today I'm fine. I guess we just need to keep on letting it out until its gone.

 

Maybe we are like subconsciously killing the emotional connection to them every time we do this. This whole thing is really toughing us up i think even if we don't see it right now.

 

I sorta got a glimpse of the day i might be able to see her and feel nothing after going thru this ordeal.

 

Cav

 

The last time I cried like that was somewhere in mid January. It did make me feel stronger afterwards. Last night when I received the message about my ex, I felt very much like breaking down again, but I couldn't cry. I get extremely anxious and had palpitations till this morning. And I still feel drowsy. It's ridiculous how a stupid message can give me so many symptoms. I really hate it.

 

Speaking of photos, I still keep them. The older ones are in my old laptop, those from 2012 onwards are in my current laptop. I just don't have the courage to even open them to delete. I also have them everywhere in my room, in my drawer, in my wallet, in some mini boxes but I don't have the courage to take them out and throw. In fact I still sleep with a plush toy he gave me in 2005 every night. I still wear the watch he gave me in 2010 on Valentine's. It's more like a habit. Things he's given me are everywhere in my house.

[cavalier99]

I have a winter jacket she bought me last year that I use all the time and some clothes. These posessions don't bother me. But seeing those pics definitly messed me up. I think right now today I could look at them if I wanted without a reaction. It just caught me off guard yesteorday.

 

On the bright side i now think i know how we become indifferent. All this crying, thinking, excursion, fighting to get thru this, just eventually beats the sh*t out of us until we just give up one day and say. I'M DONE. Enough is enough and I don't feel anything for this person anymore.

 

I mean how could we feel much after going thru this. On some level we are still fighting against it..the BU. When we truly give up and admit total defeat ....we win back our lives. Not sure that makes sense but it does to me. I guess people always talk about letting go blah blah blah but I'm begining to see the process more clearly and it makes sense. I'm getting closer I think. Dont have many tears left I think.

 

Rock on! Cav

Edited February 17, 2013 by cavalier99

[th90]

Yes it makes sense. As much as I want to have him back, a part of me would never be able to forget what he's put me through.

 

Well, TO INDIFFERENCE!!

[cavalier99]

They started it with the BU. But it is really what WE put ourselves thru. Painful growth..and rebirth...and birth seems pretty painful to me but beutiful...lol.

 

Were never going to be the same after this for better or worse. Hopefully better and a hell of a lot stronger!

 

Any way enough of my stupid analogies. Hope you feel less anxious. Cav

[th90]

They are not stupid analogies. I couldn't agree with you more!

 

The palpitation is gone but I still feel very drowsy. I guess it's hormones (time of the month lol). I always get malaise on day 1 of menstruation so it sorta explains.

 

You sound like you just took another step up the "stairway to recovery"

[th90]

Found out today our BU news spread like wildfire among his friends, while I've been keeping mum about it. Apparently my ex didn't tell them why (I doubt so though). The closest answer I got from a mutual friend during Christmas was he said "it's complicated". And she (mutual friend) said she will find him personally to ask him explain. I'm tempted to ask her whether there's an update but I dare not to. Well I'm just being obsessive about this because I feel like we have unfinished business as we went into NC right away.

 

I still don't really know why our 7 years relationship ended. Like why, exactly? I feel contemplated to break NC to get a proper explanation once and for all. In a way I'm seeking closure. I know closure comes from within but I've been holding on this tiny last shred of hope.

 

Urghh.

 

Ok thanks for reading.

[cavalier99]

Found out today our BU news spread like wildfire among his friends, while I've been keeping mum about it. Apparently my ex didn't tell them why (I doubt so though). The closest answer I got from a mutual friend during Christmas was he said "it's complicated". And she (mutual friend) said she will find him personally to ask him explain. I'm tempted to ask her whether there's an update but I dare not to. Well I'm just being obsessive about this because I feel like we have unfinished business as we went into NC right away.

 

I still don't really know why our 7 years relationship ended. Like why, exactly? I feel contemplated to break NC to get a proper explanation once and for all. In a way I'm seeking closure. I know closure comes from within but I've been holding on this tiny last shred of hope.

 

Urghh.

 

Ok thanks for reading.

 

NO.. this wont make you feel better. I've had the same type thoughts. They go away...then come back..then go away more. Lol My thoughts to break NC aren't focussed on the why, i know why, they focus on seeing if she is still in a new RS so i can get more closure and move on. I don't do this much anymore.

 

This is a ridiculous thought as is yours and it is your brain tricking you to break NC. You wont get a good answer and the trauma trying to get satisfaction from any answer will destroy your self esteem.

 

We all hold onto a shred of hope however unrealistic until the day we don't. Just keep on going. Cav

[Coping Vortex]

Yeah, it is somewhat disconcerting when we feel those strong emotions again out of no where. Yesterday day i accidentally saw some old photos of us, i looked for like 15 seconds.

 

I then proceeded to cry for like 15 minutes, deep snotty, blubbery, face red and scrunched up and ugly non stop cry...then i stopped and started up again. Haven't cried like that since November.

 

Anyway, i felt better after ..but somewhat empty and dead inside, even the feelings for her. Today I'm fine. I guess we just need to keep on letting it out until its gone.

 

Maybe we are like subconsciously killing the emotional connection to them every time we do this. This whole thing is really toughing us up i think even if we don't see it right now.

 

I sorta got a glimpse of the day i might be able to see her and feel nothing after going thru this ordeal.

 

Cav

 

Cav sorry to hear you are still hurting. I thought I was the only one. Just when I feel I have adjusted to the situation slightly I fall back. I am not a crier, its very tough for me to let go like that but i shed a tear the other day. Losing your love is so so tough I don't wish this heartache on anyone. This break more than any other in my life has been the toughest one yet.

 

I like you feel like I can see a glimpse to the future. I just know there will be triggers for all of us that will give us that stabbing pain once again. Hang in there my man. I guess all we have is each other right now. Maybe we can start a dating sight for dumped lovers to get that feeling back LOL! I'm sure with all the people hurting right now on this site we should be hooking up us guys and girls. Just a thought!

[th90]

I just want to say that I'm so happy today :)

 

...and I wish I could share my happiness with fellow LShackers who are hurting badly right now. Bad days will go away!!

[cavalier99]

Good girl! Part of this process is just knowing that the emotion that come ...are just that ...emotions. And they WILL change.

 

Enjoy the good days! But also know that we need to accept the good and bad with a certain level of indifference. When we can do this we have achieved a good balance. My weird thoughts for the day. Cav