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Dating somebody with children... But don't know if I want kids


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Posted (edited)

I couldn't decide whether to post this in the Dating forum or here in the Parenting section, so I'm going to post it in both if that isn't against the rules... By the way, this is my first post on this site and I'm looking forward to being a part of what seems to be a pretty cool community!

 

About 6 months ago I met a girl (same age as me, 23 years old) online and long story short, she's more than I ever hoped to find in a girl. But there was/is a catch... She's got two young kids (full custody) and I'm starting to realize that I'm not sure if parenting will be in my future any time soon or ever at all. Kids are awesome and I'm great with them, but I also understand the responsibility and dedication that comes with raising them. I don't know if that's something that I'm meant for.

 

I have a lot of lofty goals and expectations of myself in life and I have a hard time seeing how kids fit into that, especially when having them isn't really important to me. I'm afraid that if I make too many personal sacrifices for this relationship then I'll end up unhappy in the long run and nobody wants that! Normally I would take the "wait-and-see" approach in order to figure things out, but the kids are already starting to latch on to me and I don't want to treat this like a game. Sigh... My next step is to have a conversation with my girlfriend regarding my thoughts and feelings.

 

But in the meantime I'm curious, has anybody else been in a similar situation? I know I've only shared the tip of the iceberg but any thoughts would be appreciated! At the very least this is helping me sort my thoughts out. :)

Edited by justagoodguy
Posted

justagoodguy:

I am childfree and older and married and I can honestly tell you that you don't just decide one day to want kids. It is a huge commitment. My mind didn't change as I got older and thankfully, my spouse was okay either way. With this woman comes two very precious children, and if you aren't sure you really need to move on and let someone marry this woman who will love and desire all of her...her children included. These kids deserve a good guy and also a good father. Therefore, your feelings can't be ignored and you must tell your gf the truth. Life isn't a dress rehearsal so what you sign up for should be what you truly desire.

Best,

AW

  • Like 1
Posted

Dude, you need to run. This girl is nothing but trouble and her kids are cancer. They will ruin your life man. Trust me, the sooner you get out of there the better. They ain't your kids, and even if they were you shouldn't take responsibility. Taking care of another man's kids is just the most ass backwards thing I have ever heard. It just makes me cringe just thinking about it.

 

 

 

 

You know what, I'm going to suspend your man card just for even thinking about it. You know what you have to do.

Posted

Look, how many couples meet at 23 and end up marrying each other?

 

I am Pretty Sure you guys will break up later just like other people.

 

Just enjoy dating her for now.

Posted

I'm older than the OP and single, and i can tell you that you do decide one day to have kids [maybe], when your biological clock finally starts ticking at around 27-28.

 

Doesn't mean i will have kids anytime soon though.

Posted

If you don't want kids, you need to start dating and fast. If OLD is anything to based off of, more young adults is getting pregnant at the age of 20-22. 2 that I PM'ed, one has 4 kids and the second has 1. I shouldn't have bothered PMing the 27 year old with 4 kids since that is simply too many but she never responded back anyway.

 

So time is ticking and fast.

 

While I prefer not to have any kids, I do feel that as long as the kid isn't mine, I don't have much of a burden. I have no issues playing the father but I personally rather not have any kids. If I do, 2 and no more (if you even get me to go that far).

Posted

the kids are already starting to latch on to me and I don't want to treat this like a game.

 

This is why parents with kids under 14 should not date. At the very least, don't introduce dates to your kids unless you are engaged.

  • Like 1
Posted

Pull out now.

 

You are way too young and have too many aspirations that don't include kids. I was the same as you and deliberately avoided anyone with kids for YEARS. It took me until I got beyond my own baby-making years to even consider dating someone with kids (am now close to 50 and engaged to someone with kids).

 

But at your age, I would say that you shouldn't get saddled this early in your life with someone else's kids when you aren't even sure if you want them yourself. When you DO decide you want kids in your life, I imagine you will want them to be your own children and - at that point - you might resent how much time and energy you gave to raising someone else's kids...

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thank you for all of the insight! I wish my feelings on kids would have been this clear BEFORE we started dating so that it could have just been avoided all together! Oh well, such is life. At least I'm figuring it out now while everything is still reasonably new. Thanks again for all of the thoughts!

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