Why do I feel Nothing?

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Are there other guys out there like me? - sometimes I can be a sappy twit and other times I can be really cold (heart of steel). I've been called that by past girlfriends. At this time, I think I am in Heart of Steel mode and I thank my lucky stars that I am.

 

So even though I ended it - I still consider myself the dumpee. I ended it because even though she said she loved me - her actions didn't match that sentiment and there were times that I actually had to talk her into going out with me. She says she has a number of issues (mental ones - depression etc.,) which I can't fix but all that I wanted to do was be there support her and help her.

 

I can't believe how indifferent I feel. It would even annoy me if she were to call me right now. I guess its because I finally know its over in my heart and I just want to begin the NC process. Yet, this is the girl who I flew 3000 miles for when she dumped me in June and, in tears begged for a 2nd chance.

 

Maybe its because I got to keep some of my self respect by being the one that ended it this time rather than the grovelling weak individual that I was in June? Even though her and I both know that I'm still the loser on both occasions.

 

I guess there a sense of relief for me. Half of my problem over the past few months was not knowing how its going to turn out and now I know for better or worse. It was also very stressful every day wondering if she was going to respond to the communication I sent her or.... go out with me if I asked her out. At least now I know communication will end going forward as I intend to go NC immediately.

 

I have no doubt that I love her like no other and yet strangely I seem prepared to let fate take its course.

 

Do these emotions make any sense or should I just start caling myself Mr Spock?

Edited February 14, 2013 by lovecutsrightthruu
typo

[stevie_23]

I have no real words of wisdom here, but...I wonder if I can take some potential wisdom from YOUR words and apply it to my ex.

 

For reasons mostly unrelated to us directly (our feelings, our love, etc), our relationship ended. He ended it. Went NC. It was horrendous for me.

 

I have now reached an understanding of why he ended it and why he just can't have any contact with me anymore.

 

I believe he still loves me deeply and always will, in a way. He actually wrote a song a few weeks ago called "A Heart Like Mine" which referred to him having "cold, cold steel" beneath the surface of his chest instead of a proper heart.

 

When we were together he was always 100% loving towards me. Treated me wonderfully. But when he has NOT been with me, he is...non-existent. No contact. Cold, I guess.

 

You mentioned how can you love her so much and yet be ok with leaving things up to fate? Well...I think this is similar to my ex as well. We had SO many things against us, that we couldn't make it work. It got too hard for him, to stressful for me, and so on. Even before he ended it, we both said fate would bring us together (long distance affair relationship) one day, somehow, without us even having to do anything specific. This may sound incredibly lazy or incredibly romantic, but really, we knew we couldn't do anything to be together because of our situations, so...we were emotionally drained by that certainty and thus leaving it up to fate was just...easier. The only thing left to do.

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Stevie,

Thank you for replying to my post. I guess me and your ex may have similar traits. emotionally speaking. I remember reading your story before - it was an LD relationship and you both have other halves. How did you meet? He ever tell you outright why he ended it? If no, why do you think he did? Do you suffer from lack of closure?

 

So I tried going NC on Saturday, lasted till Tuesday, tried again yesterday and lasted all the way to 2pm today - yay for me ....lol how pathetic is that. I'm confused - the reason why I'm trying to get out of this is because I don't she loves me as much as I love her and yet......the pain in her words today is making me question everything all over again....."this hurts so freakin much'...........'I love you even though you don't think I do"...'this hurts a lot..it really does'......I don't know....someday I'll figure this out.

[stevie_23]

You don't think she loves you as much as you love her? Hmm. It may be true. Or maybe it's irrelevant and it all comes down to how much or in what way you NEED her to show you her love. People show love in different ways and people accept / view love in different ways, and it doesn't always match up in a couple, which can unfortunately leave one or both partners feeling like they care more than the other.

 

Did you and your ex discuss this at any length before you ended things? Do you think, even if she DOES love you "enough", it won't ever BE enough for you because obviously up until now she hasn't been able to show it adequately for you to be happy with her? Or did she change over time and kind of stop loving you as much?

 

In terms of my own situation, yes, long distance, almost 2 years in an affair relationship. I'm 34, he's 61. He has health problems that are chronic and although 90% of the time they don't impact on anything, that other 10% means he needs someone stable there to take care of him (his wife), he needs financial stability (his job and his wife's job), and he needs health insurance (through his wife's employer). He also doesn't need to be making a huge life change now at age 61, with these health issues, and leaving his wife to live by himself, risking his wellbeing, being totally alone...because even if he did that and we could still be together, it would STILL be online only, because of those practical issues. He can't come and move a billion miles away from all he knows to be with me. He couldn't get a job here. He's too old. If he got sick? Who knows what'd happen. I can't even afford to support myself financially, let alone both of us. I have no health insurance. Employers here don't include that when you're hired so even if he could GET a job, he wouldn't have any insurance which he very much needs. I don't want to be a carer for a 70 year old man (even if I do happen to love him dearly) when I'm 44. And I REALLY don't want to be a widow and all alone, devastated, when I'm not even 50 years old, if he's gone before he's 80. You know? I also don't want to leave my long term partner because although I haven't been IN love with her for several years (and it hurts me to say that), I still love her. So. Too many obstacles between me and my ex.

 

So that's sort of the problem-ridden background of our relationship. We met at a songwriting discussion board / forum. Funnily enough, we both joined the forum within 3 months of each other back in 2008. He was August, I was November. We didn't meet though (become aware of each other's existence) until early 2010 though, as we were on different sections of the forum (him songwriting. Me singing). I moved over to the songwriting section when I started doing actual lyrics for my songs, and we met. He was very nice...always supportive, encouraging, gentle, funny, etc. I had many friends on there (all guys. Hardly any girls on this forum) and he was just one of them. A casual, forum posting friend and nothing more.

 

I was going through a hard time in my life (not ridiculously hard, but a bit troublesome) and he reached out to me, sent me a PM and we got to talking. Very quickly things got very intense and both of us were coming online just to see if the other had written. If we had, there'd be joy. If there was no letter, we'd be deflated. This was in late March / early April 2011. By May 2011, we were an acknowledged (to each other / ourselves) couple.

 

He did indeed tell me why he ended it. Sort of. I know why though, from my own experience with us, his life and his personality and feelings over the time we were together. He didn't tell me at FIRST though, which is the one sticking point I still have some trouble living happily and peacefully with. We'd been very tense for a while because of our situation with his wife and our reduced time spent together (because of the wife, and now he had a new job too which took more time. He didn't want this new job, but he had no choice financially), and we had a fight, and he left suddenly saying he couldn't deal with it.

 

And he never came back. Never chatted with me again, never texted me again, never said anything. Just...disappeared. I assumed he was still mad. Sometimes he'd done this before. Left after I was unpleasant to him (I often could be over our time. I'm really not the nicest, calmest of people when angry. He was never bad towards me though, ever, apart from when it ended) and taken a few days to sort his thoughts out.

 

He always had HUGE issues dealing with his own life and balancing it with our life. I never had that problem, but he did and I have to respect and try to understand that if I am to ever understand why he left me.

 

Anyway, finally he told me why he had to end it. He said he couldn't keep living 2 lives. He just couldn't do it anymore. His wife had once again (for the 4th time) found out about us and had confronted him and he couldn't deny it, etc, etc. I don't know what else was said, but it would've been pretty bad. FOUR times. Ugh. Anyway, so he said it was just too hard now and especially with his new job. So...yeah.

 

At first I was so hurt and also angry...I was thinking things like..."He didn't even TELL me. Was I nothing more than a figment of his imagination and when he had to switch off that fantasy I ceased to exist, so he didn't NEED to tell me he had left me? He was content to let me live the rest of my life thinking it was MY fault he'd left because of our fight? Did he EVER love me at all if he could do this to me now? He said he'd NEVER leave me and we'd be together forever, and now what? Was all of that lies? He said nothing would ever separate us...and now a stupid JOB has done it finally!? A JOB!?!?" Angry thoughts like that. It took me a while to settle down and feel properly and deeper.

 

Also, as others around here have said (quite wisely), the only true closure you can ever get is from yourself. No amount of "answers" from your ex will EVER really be enough.

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Stevie,

Thank you again for responding. You raise many excellent points as it relates to my situation. I think I am so sensitive and have such a huge fear of rejection that I am afraid to ask the questions that should be asked in fear of hearing answers that I don't want to hear. So I'd sooner settle for not knowing than suffering rejection. Weird I know! In other words, I didn't have any discussions that dealt with the heart of the matter with her before I tried to cut the cord (unsuccessfully as it turns out).

 

Your point about people loving differently rings true also. When she dumped me in June (before we got back together) one of the things she said was "I can't give you the attention that you need". This might still be the case. In fact everything that she said when she dumped me is still accurate. Another one was "I barely have enough time to focus on myself and what needs fixed (she suffers from depression) let alone someone else". She had a really difficult time dumping me and it wasn't hard to reel her back in. I probably should have let it go then because now neither of us has the strength to break away.

 

As it relates to your situation, did you ever consider visiting him (or him you)? How do you know that had you met him in person that it wouldn't have been a complete flop (which in retrospect might have been a good thing)? The reason I ask is that I had a couple of cases, back when I was doing on-line dating that I got on like a house on fire with the person and yet, when I met them, there was no chemistry there at all.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, we did plan things. We had all these intricate steps...

 

1. He would sell his wife's construction company that he managed for her / make it more of a success so she'd have enough money to support herself and her 3 adult kids who live with them

 

2. He would wait until she got her long-expected pay rise at her own job and then feel better equipped (in terms of leaving HER) to move out and leave her

 

3. He would sell some construction equipment to fund his move, since he'd been working for hardly any money for the past few years for his wife's company and the economy was so bad, etc

 

4. Once he had done this, moved out and gotten a small place of his own, he would look for a more stable / better paying job

 

5. Then he would come and visit me, and we would see how we went and what we wanted to do next. Potentially some BIG decisions for me. He would've already had "jumped ship" in order to even come and visit, so the hard work now would be up to me if required (leaving my partner, etc)

 

Also, it's not exactly fair that he would have had to change / lose everything in his life to even just come and VISIT me (cause I couldn't come and visit him without doing the same thing, leaving my partner, and stuff. And I, unlike him, was not planning to leave her before getting together with him, however we had not been happy with his partner for a while before I came along), not knowing if anything would even work out or not.

 

But...well, it didn't quite work out that way. His wife did get her pay rise. The construction company went bankrupt. He did sell some equipment but the money had to go to pay off family debts (her's, not his). He did get a stable job but that doesn't matter now because he started it a week before he left me. Blah, blah.

 

He MAY have been a flop in real life, who knows? lol. If so, ok then, fine. Disappointing but that's the way it is. (I met my long term partner online too, and ran this risk also, but it turned out ok)

 

I think there WOULD be chemistry though. We were together for almost 2 years and that's quite some time, you know? Also, we didn't just have text-based communication (like written I mean). We chatted online and texted and all that (like CONSTANTLY when we were able), but we'd also talked on the phone and we did heaps of videos for each other through Youtube, just chatting, talking, wandering around, sitting, doing makeup (me), driving and cooking (him. Not at the same time. lol)...stuff like that. So we SAW each other, you know? Heard and saw. That takes away SOME of the chance of having ZERO chemistry in real life / in person because to see someone's facial expressions, mannerisms, hear their vocal inflections, and all that, it's more accurate to how they'll be in person than just interpreting everything subjectively yourself from what you read in writing.

Edited February 15, 2013 by stevie_23

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Thanks for clarifying that it was you doing the makeup not him

[stevie_23]

LMAO. Yes indeedy. I'd also choose outfits each morning and "pretend" he had some input. One time I put on this dress and I couldn't get the zipper up. I fell over on the bed trying to do it up and was asking him to help, then accused him of laughing at me instead of helping. lol Silly things. Fun though. He did similar things (again, he did NOT try to zip up his dress on camera, ok? He did that in private. lol), like dancing down the aisle in a supermarket once, walking through the woods behind his house doing silly accents and voices, stuff like that...

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Boy.....you just cracked me up with that stuff......

 

Seeing as your an artist and all, did you ever consider writing a play based on this experience? Sounds like it would have a high comedic element as well as some poignancy.

[stevie_23]

Oh god, no! lol My best friend actually does write and direct small-time plays around my home town, but she knows nothing of my relationship so I could never go through her.

 

I have no interest in doing a play (though I DO enjoy acting and I sing / write songs in my spare time), but I was actually considering writing a book about my experience. A fiction novel. It'd have to be somewhat exaggerated and "enhanced" as well as some things tweaked because I don't know how much appeal a lead character has who cheats on her long term lesbian partner with a married man almost twice her age. lol

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Well Stevie....with the adventures that you have already had thus far, at the end of your days no one can ever say that you lived a boring life... I'm sure there'll be more to follow.

 

I knew your story thus far defo had the makings of something artistic..albeit play, book whatever. Let me know when you finally get around to writing that book, I have some contacts at Simon and Schuster...