She messaged me after 6 weeks.

[BarbecueMan666]

We broke up new years day.

 

She lives in LA, I live in Phoenix.

 

She was distancing herself from me, and I wasn't as happy as I once was with that - the idea of breaking up had risen, and she even texted one of her male friends before staying with me over christmas/new years that "I need to break up with XXX, do I do it before or after Christmas?" - I found the text and was very upset, but the actual breakup happened roughly a week later.

It was relatively amicable, she asked if I was happy with her, and I said not really, and she said she didn't see it working, given it's now long distance, and that we broke up previously. - She just didn't see it working.

 

She's going to Grad school and does youtube videos in her spare time. She's pretty popular and messaged me this today:

 

"Hi I need to let you know that I have a video coming out tomorrow that might be sensitive for you. It's about relationships, and it would seem like it relates to you and us, but it doesn't at all. [her friend] wrote it and it's just about relationships in general, and it's all for the sake of comedy. I just wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't have to wonder or worry. I sincerely hope you are doing well. :)"

 

She hasn't released anything since Christmas, and her last video got around 100,000 views. I'm more upset today than I have been in a while, and I honestly believe it's because of this message.

 

I've not responded and probably won't - We've been NC for a while now, I messaged her roughly a month ago trying to get some sort of closure, in which the last thing she wrote me was "I don't want to be with you anymore. I've been really happy since making the decision."

 

Obviously she's just being courteous, I'd like your thoughts on it both female and male.

 

Be brutal.

[TaraMaiden]

She's just being courteous.

 

 

I really don't think Dumpers have any idea of the havoc they cause....

 

She's damned if she didn't and damned if she has, though.

If she hadn't explained about this video, you'd have been beside yourself with anxiety and grief.

 

Well, take it as it's meant.

 

Hang in there hun......

[BarbecueMan666]

I really appreciate the swift reply, I live with housemates that all do their own thing aren't aren't really very supportive (there's actually around 7 of us, 1 female (who is actually her best friend and set us up in the first place) - and the rest guys who are extreme introverts.

 

Even after this period of time, I'm still thinking there's a chance/hope or something, It's so painful. I've cut down talking about her with friends and everyone substantially, only with 1-2 really close to me. I dream about her often, be it nightmarish dreams of her with other men, or the really pleasant ones when we're together.

I know the time heals to be true, as I was feeling better and coping better, but this definitely sent me for a spin.

 

Even though I got it in text as plain as day "I don't want to be with you", I still don't feel a sense of things being cut clean.

[Ruby Slippers]

Even though I got it in text as plain as day "I don't want to be with you", I still don't feel a sense of things being cut clean.

That's because you're still in contact with her. Tell her to stop contacting you, unsubscribe from her videos, etc. You're just going to keep pining for her if you stay in touch. Good for her, bad for you.

 

I also broke up with someone right after new year's. I still miss him, though I've had NO contact with him whatsoever, but I know it would have been 100 times worse if we'd been in touch.

[BarbecueMan666]

Actually we've had very very little contact, and by that I mean the text happened 3-4 weeks ago, and then this message out of no where today alerting me of a comedy video about relationships today when I woke up.

 

I guess she was just being courteous and says what she means. I'm just not handling it well I guess, I had the severe heart pains and didn't eat or sleep for a while, I was talking about it a lot with my father and 1 or 2 closer friends. (I visited family after we broke up for a while back in England).

 

Have since moved back into a house with housemates in Arizona - I live with one of her best friends (though they don't talk that much due to being really busy - she's actually the one who set us up initially). The heart pains faded, and I could eat well, started exercising, just today wow, emotions flooded in. I know advice cannot really be given apart from "keep plodding on, keep NC" - but wowzer, should it hurting this much be normal? Starting to doubt everything about myself, Career being a waste, girls of the future etc. It's an awful feeling :S

[TaraMaiden]

I guess she was just being courteous and says what she means. I'm just not handling it well I guess.....

 

.....wow, emotions flooded in. I know advice cannot really be given apart from "keep plodding on, keep NC" - but wowzer, should it hurting this much be normal? Starting to doubt everything about myself, Career being a waste, girls of the future etc. It's an awful feeling :S

 

You're going to hate me for saying this but - this is on you.

You voluntarily began the downer....

 

This is the problem with situations like this:

Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there"....

They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references....

 

The trick is to not start rolling the snowball.

Pick it up and throw it, and move on.

[BarbecueMan666]

I don't hate you at all for saying things like that.

 

I kind of need someone around to just be blunt.

 

In terms of progressing through what I'm going through, how do you suggest staying positive? - Or is it about just being strong enough to shut out these thoughts and just realize this is your mind convincing you you're down.

[TaraMaiden]

Shutting the thoughts down isn't easy.

 

The thing to do is to catch them - and challenge them.

What is 'true' and what is you building and fabricating, enlarging and expanding the story with your own layers of built-up "Woe-is-me"....?

 

See, she sent you a message about the video.

 

Fact = Snowball.

 

"I'm still thinking there's a chance/hope or something, It's so painful. I dream about her often, be it nightmarish dreams of her with other men, or the really pleasant ones when we're together. I still don't feel a sense of things being cut clean....wow, emotions flooded in. Starting to doubt everything about myself, Career being a waste, girls of the future etc. It's an awful feeling" = layers you roll on, apply and expand on.

 

FICTION.

 

That is to say, not that they're lies, but they're not part of the 'Video message.'. They're crap you've added, embellished on, built in and used to perpetuate the emotion you still nurture.

 

 

Validate your feelings, but don't build card-pyramids on quick-sand....

Edited February 14, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[cdt76]

Tara, I think this is the single most important post that I've ever seen on LS. And I'm king of doing this! That seed that we build blows up. If it's left there long enough, our body chemistry will change and suddenly, the only time we feel better is when we are miserable and crying our eyes out about how pitiful we are and how unfair life is. I say this because I've done it! I started cutting off that seed at some point in 2011. As hard as it is to do, I started cutting it off and leaving right there on concrete floor where it couldn't germinate! Then as time went by, other thoughts were allowed to grow that were positive. Eventually by the end of 2011, I was ok with myself and almost happy again. By the middle of 2012, I was very happy.

 

But these seeds....these thoughts, they come back from time to time and it's all about how long we allow them to hang around.

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

...should it hurting this much be normal? Starting to doubt everything about myself, Career being a waste, girls of the future etc. It's an awful feeling :S

 

That's exactly how I feel. Every negative feeling I had before I met my ex has all rushed back into me. My future without her is impossible to imagine. Everything now seems so pointless.

 

I can't offer you much advice or anything of the sort since I haven't even begun recovering from my own break up. But I can say this, she is happy. Both your ex and mine. That is all that matters.

[cdt76]

No. What matters is that YOU are or are becoming happy! F the ex's! Their feelings, thoughts, emotions, situations ....none of it matters to YOU anymore! They no longer reside on this planet! THey are GONE and a good riddence can be said. Kick them out of this world and you can begin to become happy! They no longer matter at all!

[destroyed4sho]

I think what she wrote was okay and selfless. But at the same time, does she really think that you are watching all her youtube videos after BU? If Tara permits, maybe you can write back "thanks for that info, but I don't watch your videos"

 

However, her saying she is happy without you was cruel and unnecessary.

[flitzanu]

She's just being courteous.

 

 

I really don't think Dumpers have any idea of the havoc they cause....

 

She's damned if she didn't and damned if she has, though.

If she hadn't explained about this video, you'd have been beside yourself with anxiety and grief.

 

Well, take it as it's meant.

 

Hang in there hun......

 

that's mahh gurll, tara nailed it.

 

you know IF you saw this video you'd be flipping out and feeling disrespected, or enamored, or any range of emotions assuming it's about you. while her reaching out to you does hurt and set you back, i do think it was quite courteous that she did.

 

but at the same time...isn't it a little insinuative for her thinking you'd be upset?

 

i dunno dude. i do some social things that reach large crowds (not 100k) and have had issues with exes assuming things were about them. by that point, there's no convincing them otherwise or calming them down, plus it wouldn't even be her responsibility. knowutimean? take it as a fair warning by her to avoid any potential backlash or drama, don't reply, don't watch the video, and carry on with the NC.

[Addison312]

Makes me think of Carrie in Sex and the City with her writings.

Well, are you going to watch the video? Nothing good will come of that so don't let yourself!

Let me just add that your ex sounds appalling and could use a trip to a third world country.

[BarbecueMan666]

Really appreciate all your comments.

 

I definitely get wrapped up in the idea of "woe is me" be it physical appearance or what I do for a living, when in all honesty both are completely fine. I'm a good looking lad, I just started the insanity work out regime and was already in decent shape. - Career wise and money wise both are doing well, I have a pretty large following on twitter of almost 30,000 - (we were both practically mini internet celebs) - and so it made the relationship visible for both of our admirers to see, including the breakup.

 

What I'm realizing is breakups aren't meant to be easy, if they were, love just wouldn't have the same meaning. I'm going to start challenging my thoughts, once they crop up, and even remotely feel down, I'm going to rely on myself to pick me up and shoo it away, or just not let my mind fabricate it any more than it needs to be. (I've realized I'm more my own worst enemy than anybody else in that regard).

 

Talking on these forums has definitely helped, and will continue to help. Even though I've been a case of first love breakup, I've offered my experience to those around me and have helped, and have had people with similar experiences also help me. It's been a great place to process thoughts and feelings, realize I'm not alone but more importantly than that, that I'm going to get through this and be off better.

 

Love is a powerful thing, and the phrase "love can make or break a man" is pretty true, and I've experienced both flips of the coin within the last few weeks. Be it self loathing to the point I cannot function, or productivity with work, self image and friends.

 

Cannot thank you guys enough.

[flitzanu]

Really appreciate all your comments.

 

I definitely get wrapped up in the idea of "woe is me" be it physical appearance or what I do for a living, when in all honesty both are completely fine. I'm a good looking lad, I just started the insanity work out regime and was already in decent shape. - Career wise and money wise both are doing well, I have a pretty large following on twitter of almost 30,000 - (we were both practically mini internet celebs) - and so it made the relationship visible for both of our admirers to see, including the breakup.

 

What I'm realizing is breakups aren't meant to be easy, if they were, love just wouldn't have the same meaning. I'm going to start challenging my thoughts, once they crop up, and even remotely feel down, I'm going to rely on myself to pick me up and shoo it away, or just not let my mind fabricate it any more than it needs to be. (I've realized I'm more my own worst enemy than anybody else in that regard).

 

Talking on these forums has definitely helped, and will continue to help. Even though I've been a case of first love breakup, I've offered my experience to those around me and have helped, and have had people with similar experiences also help me. It's been a great place to process thoughts and feelings, realize I'm not alone but more importantly than that, that I'm going to get through this and be off better.

 

Love is a powerful thing, and the phrase "love can make or break a man" is pretty true, and I've experienced both flips of the coin within the last few weeks. Be it self loathing to the point I cannot function, or productivity with work, self image and friends.

 

Cannot thank you guys enough.

 

no worries, i'm always here to emotionally slap sense into you if you ever need it

 

but your'e right. YOU are your worst enemy. everything in your mind is going to be amplified and out of control compared to how things actually are with that other person. that's why i'm such a believer in NC now, bc the less you communicate, the less you know, the less paranoid you can be because you have nothing to make ridiculous thoughts about.

[MrWombat]

Don't watch the video, don't follow her youtube channel.

 

A "thanks for the heads-up" is all the reply her txt needs.