thank you, St.V, for making me join the single ladies, again

[Imajerk17]

Not sure I have the mental energy to attempt to unwind this now. All I can think about reading this thread was that this was a conversation Candie and this guy ought to have had over the phone and NOT text.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Leigh 87]

Bolded part 1 is A and bolded part 2 is B.

 

I'm sorry, but you can't have A and then expect B.

 

You want simplicity, yet you understand that you're a challenge, abrasive, etc. etc.

 

You want to find a man who will be a doormat, is waht I'm reading. There are plenty of doormats out there. But I'm sure if you find one, you wouldn't be happy with him for other reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

I am a hand full too, due to my personal issues.

 

I have done and said some terrible things to my guy, and yet he stuck around.

 

Early on though? Not so much...

[Leigh 87]

It's a strange thing, we have. We don't have an "anniversary" we never celebrated out first month together.

 

He treated me very nicely at the beginning, when we were more casual (and either of us traveling less). Always paid for dinner and drinks - I had to pay for dinner once, when he was at the bathroom, otherwise he wouldn't let me. That was at the beginning.

 

He never said anything about how he feels. He always compliments how I cook - I've cooked for him around three times, he cooked for me once, when I got back home very late - yesterday. So he compliments my looks, he compliments my food and is very grateful for that... but never me, really. Never said he missed me (or said I missed him). I must have said one or twice that I liked him (when we were in bed). Not sure he said it back.

 

We are taking a dance class together - he admitted to me once that he was a bit tense, when he had to dance with me. That was it.

 

I wouldn't even mind St.V if he talked about it. He does not. Everything that has to do with feelings... I don't get much, unless I ask specific questions.

 

I guess maybe that's why I was a bit hung up on St.V. Never flowers or chocolate - I do not expect them. He was traveling a lot - no little attention from Spain - no pbm, I respect his boundaries.

 

I know it is stupid, but I don't want to be the one to start talking about feelings and where we are and where this is going and how he feels, because I am comfortable with how he behaves. He is attention-ate. It's just that lately, everything seemed to happen to him. His basement got robbed. His work. His traveling.

 

I don't get the feeling he is a happy person. He hates it here. Hates his colleagues. Hates his job. Has zero friends - except for one, sort of. Isn't particularly interested in meeting my friends.

 

It's all happening for the best. While from the way he was behaving, I thought he was happy with me, with me in his life, truth is he never said it - by voice, over the phone or otherwise. I feel, sometimes, that I am the person whom he calls to complain. Again, not his best time, this one. HE feels a high need for recognition, at work, and if he does not get it, he gets terribly frustrated. He wants to be in the center of the attention, of the discussion. I don't mind that, I don't feel very talkative, lately.

 

This is not quite my best period of my life, either. Not that he'd bother asking. It's just that he seemed right. Seemed ok, happy with me. I was happy with what I got. At the end of the day, it doesn't look like I had that much to begin with, does it?

 

I do feel things happen for a reason, maybe all this happened for the best. I don't want to stay near a cold person. It seems that also we have shared together the same bed, a couple of times, we don't really know eachother and most importantly, we have no idea about what each one of us is expecting from our "thing". I thought it was obvious, turn out I should have asked more specific questions .

 

 

That is all very interesting....

 

The biggest red flag; he has not said he misses you once, in a month..

 

Interesting.

 

My guy is not a very expressive person in terms of his feelings. Like most men, he prefers to not be vocal about such things.

 

He does not have an issue telling a girl he misses her though!

 

Your guy sounds different, this could just be how he is!

 

...It might not be anything to do with how much he likes you, he could just BE like this.

 

......Question is: do you WANT a guy like this, who cannot even tell you that he misses you occasionally?

 

Do you have strong feelings about him?

[candie13]

Well, unless you live in Europe / or the US, that doesn't look all that probable anyway . I don't want to be loved and appreciated for whom I am, but inspite of it.

[clia]

It's a strange thing, we have. We don't have an "anniversary" we never celebrated out first month together.

 

He treated me very nicely at the beginning, when we were more casual (and either of us traveling less). Always paid for dinner and drinks - I had to pay for dinner once, when he was at the bathroom, otherwise he wouldn't let me. That was at the beginning.

 

He never said anything about how he feels. He always compliments how I cook - I've cooked for him around three times, he cooked for me once, when I got back home very late - yesterday. So he compliments my looks, he compliments my food and is very grateful for that... but never me, really. Never said he missed me (or said I missed him). I must have said one or twice that I liked him (when we were in bed). Not sure he said it back.

 

We are taking a dance class together - he admitted to me once that he was a bit tense, when he had to dance with me. That was it.

 

I wouldn't even mind St.V if he talked about it. He does not. Everything that has to do with feelings... I don't get much, unless I ask specific questions.

 

I guess maybe that's why I was a bit hung up on St.V. Never flowers or chocolate - I do not expect them. He was traveling a lot - no little attention from Spain - no pbm, I respect his boundaries.

 

I know it is stupid, but I don't want to be the one to start talking about feelings and where we are and where this is going and how he feels, because I am comfortable with how he behaves. He is attention-ate. It's just that lately, everything seemed to happen to him. His basement got robbed. His work. His traveling.

 

I don't get the feeling he is a happy person. He hates it here. Hates his colleagues. Hates his job. Has zero friends - except for one, sort of. Isn't particularly interested in meeting my friends.

 

It's all happening for the best. While from the way he was behaving, I thought he was happy with me, with me in his life, truth is he never said it - by voice, over the phone or otherwise. I feel, sometimes, that I am the person whom he calls to complain. Again, not his best time, this one. HE feels a high need for recognition, at work, and if he does not get it, he gets terribly frustrated. He wants to be in the center of the attention, of the discussion. I don't mind that, I don't feel very talkative, lately.

 

This is not quite my best period of my life, either. Not that he'd bother asking. It's just that he seemed right. Seemed ok, happy with me. I was happy with what I got. At the end of the day, it doesn't look like I had that much to begin with, does it?

 

I do feel things happen for a reason, maybe all this happened for the best. I don't want to stay near a cold person. It seems that also we have shared together the same bed, a couple of times, we don't really know eachother and most importantly, we have no idea about what each one of us is expecting from our "thing". I thought it was obvious, turn out I should have asked more specific questions .

 

To be honest, I think this is expecting a lot from a guy you've only known for six weeks. Of course you didnt know each other yet! It's been six weeks! I can't blame him for getting a little spooked about V-Day so early in your relationship. There are a lot of expectations around V-Day that can create unneeded pressure. I think you should've just taken it in stride. After all, if he is the right guy you can get your flowers and chocolates and crap next year. (I don't think V-Day is a big deal, though, and I find it all pretty silly.)

[Treasa]

I have to admit that I also think Valentine's Day is stupid. I told my boyfriend that it's just another day, and he agrees. He shows me he loves me on a frequent basis; I don't need or want anything special from him today. We're not even celebrating it. I have a sinus infection and I just want to go home and go to bed, but chances are I'll be going to a doctor first.

 

Also, you can be strong and stand up for yourself but still be sweet about it. I used to think that there was either doormat mode or abrasive mode, but once I developed true self-esteem and self-respect (not the same thing), I realized that the stronger I really was, the more gracious and happy and kind I also was.

 

Maybe he just really doesn't believe in doing anything special for what's essentially a Hallmark holiday. I feel like maybe you were too pushy and angry in response, and trying to provoke a reaction from him.

 

Maybe you aren't feeling well because of your period? If so, consider apologizing to him and see what happens from there.

[candie13]

I am aware I overreacted, I had eaten 6 chocolate bombons and had my first day of period . I've overreacted because I have emotional needs / or recognition that were not met. Maybe it was misplaced to have them in the first place. I am not denying any of these.

 

I simply feel he gave in to his fears and didn't really care about how that made me feel, not to even mention my expectations or pride. Or even feelings. He's in it for himself. No consideration or attention for me, for managing my feelings or.. even our "thing". He took a dump and f*cked off, whatever his reasons and whatever the reality may be.

 

Had he been a bit more considerate, had he chosen a better way of communicating, he could have had his cake and eat it too. It's not a matter how much time you spend with a person, it's a matter of how you choose to deal with a situation. OR not. And the consequences that you are willing to accept, following that decision.

 

I may not have been worth the effort to manage my feelings and his fears. Well, then if I am not worth the effort, I don't see why I should waste my time with such a person. Even if it is a misunderstanding - when are we meeting, are we meeting for StV / tomorow, whatever. Misunderstandings happen all the time.

 

To me, he showed his arse. Well, thank you for the lovely view, but I am not exactly impressed.

 

I totally agree that we know eachother for only 6 weeks, but he is all alone in this city, and so am I. I have been a lady with him, fully supportive and 100% there when he got robbed. Called and texted, went over, listened and calmed him down. Inviting him with my friends always - since he has zero social life. Making sure he gets company and food when he got home late from his trips. Same thing from him, wanting to see me always, spend time and effort with me. And then, this.

 

Not cool. Not considerate. Not respectful. Am I disappointed? To the moon and back. Too bad for him. Too bad for me. Too bad for us.

[candie13]

I

 

Also, you can be strong and stand up for yourself but still be sweet about it. I used to think that there was either doormat mode or abrasive mode, but once I developed true self-esteem and self-respect (not the same thing), I realized that the stronger I really was, the more gracious and happy and kind I also was.

 

Maybe he just really doesn't believe in doing anything special for what's essentially a Hallmark holiday. I feel like maybe you were too pushy and angry in response, and trying to provoke a reaction from him.

 

Absolutely. We were supposed to meet today, until he realized it was St.V. Than canceled. Not explanation, no I am sorry, no nothing.

 

No, not the way to treat your girl. MAybe I am not his girl. Well, if I'm not his girl, I should know it.

 

He is the one that has a pbm with stV, not me. He has a pbm, he should talk about it, not expect me to handle it. I am not doing anyone any favors anymore. His pbm, handle it, don't expect me to.

 

I was horrid . You do not treat me with your arse. You don't ask me a day earlier to come to your place, cook for me, make love to me, insist I spend the night over and then not want to see me again, "because it's St.V". What am I to you, your playmate?

 

Fine, this playmate has shipped and sail. I shall not apologize. My decision.

[Emilia]

I am aware I overreacted,

 

Massively. The rest of your post is just excuses. Take responsibility for it and don't freak out every time someone disappoints you. It will happen hundreds

[Archgirl]

That's maybe it babe, you gave him too much too early. That's the sort of lengths I'd go to for a guy I was in a committed relationship with for a year or more.

That early on just being you, and having intrinsic value just because you are you, should be enough.

I think you had a lucky escape, he sounds like a fixer-upper not a boyf.

Xx

[candie13]

That is all very interesting....

 

The biggest red flag; he has not said he misses you once, in a month..

 

Interesting.

 

My guy is not a very expressive person in terms of his feelings. Like most men, he prefers to not be vocal about such things.

 

He does not have an issue telling a girl he misses her though!

 

Your guy sounds different, this could just be how he is!

 

...It might not be anything to do with how much he likes you, he could just BE like this.

 

......Question is: do you WANT a guy like this, who cannot even tell you that he misses you occasionally?

 

Do you have strong feelings about him?

 

It's too late for all of these questions. HE chose his pride over me, I chose my pride over him. Game over. Better it happens now than later.

[MidwestUSA]

I couldn't follow any more after "you can have some chocolate if you're nice to me". Sorry, no help here.

[candie13]

Massively. The rest of your post is just excuses. Take responsibility for it and don't freak out every time someone disappoints you. It will happen hundreds

 

well, at least if that happens, I'd better like the guy a lot. I guess I just don't like him enough to take sh*t from him, at this point. Better luck next time.

[candie13]

I couldn't follow any more after "you can have some chocolate if you're nice to me". Sorry, no help here.

 

I understand.

[Radu]

c'mon, you're on a forum, a public site, make the sh*t hit the fan, name names here, tell it like it is !

 

My best friend thinks I am overreacting, there must be men who think I am honestly crazy for making such a big deal out of this. But I knew it... I swear to God, I felt it.

 

I told Radu on a previous thread that 13 was my lucky number and that on 13, cycles either ended or started for me. Turns out no.13 stroke again, here, hehe!

 

You're deffinitely not crazy for your area, it's just that you're Italian ...

 

I can already picture you using your hands agressively against a man while 'arguing'.

[candie13]

I think you had a lucky escape, he sounds like a fixer-upper not a boyf.

Xx

 

Arghgirl, i did not ask for any of this. The last weekend (the one before the last one) we had spent together happened this way:

 

- on Friday, I had made tapas for my friends and invited them over. I cooked way too much and invited him over, to grab a bite, after his impro class. He came, we ate and talked and he stayed over the night. Big big thing for me. In the morning, made breakfast, made love, he left (because I has arrangements to meet a friend in the afternoon).

- Later on Sat he texts me, asking what I'm doing. He asks me to see him quickly and we do some errants together. We leave eachother and I go home. On Sat evening, I am out with the girls. He is texting me - where are you? Can I come? I had to tell him nicely "it's my night with the girls, no, you cannot come".

- We were supposed to have our "date" on Sunday - go skiing - and on Sunday his basement got robbed. We still got to spend the evening together - again, he asked me to come to his place.

 

I am not imagining things. I don't mind this, I like being with him, but he's not supposed to be this way every day and then pull a prank like that for St.V. What a miracle a phone call or a text can make...

 

anyway, it's in the past

 

what's a fixer-uppr?

[candie13]

You're deffinitely not crazy for your area, it's just that you're Italian ...

 

I can already picture you using your hands agressively against a man while 'arguing'.

 

Romanian, actually. Horrible character, sometimes I wish I could take a break from me and my stupid pride. I don't speak with my hands - that I know .

 

Oh well, it really was lovely while it lasted.

[Radu]

 

I am not imagining things. I don't mind this, I like being with him, but he's not supposed to be this way every day and then pull a prank like that for St.V. What a miracle a phone call or a text can make...

Out of human communication, words represent just 7%, the rest is tonality and body language.

As such, handling important relationships communication through texts is not exactly ... smart.

Things can be misunderstood.

 

anyway, it's in the past

 

what's a fixer-uppr?

Something [in this case a person] that requires some fixing and that is seen as a steal.

She is trying to hint that you wanted to 'save' and 'fix' him for yourself, and that you dismissed the possible red flags.

 

Romanian, actually. Horrible character, sometimes I wish I could take a break from me and my stupid pride. I don't speak with my hands - that I know .

 

Oh well, it really was lovely while it lasted.

The difference between balcans and mediteraneans is not that high tbh.

 

PS: Italienii vorbesc cu mainile ... foarte enervant.

[Fondue]

I am aware I overreacted, I had eaten 6 chocolate bombons and had my first day of period . I've overreacted because I have emotional needs / or recognition that were not met. Maybe it was misplaced to have them in the first place. I am not denying any of these.

 

I simply feel he gave in to his fears and didn't really care about how that made me feel, not to even mention my expectations or pride. Or even feelings. He's in it for himself. No consideration or attention for me, for managing my feelings or.. even our "thing". He took a dump and f*cked off, whatever his reasons and whatever the reality may be.

 

Had he been a bit more considerate, had he chosen a better way of communicating, he could have had his cake and eat it too. It's not a matter how much time you spend with a person, it's a matter of how you choose to deal with a situation. OR not. And the consequences that you are willing to accept, following that decision.

 

I may not have been worth the effort to manage my feelings and his fears. Well, then if I am not worth the effort, I don't see why I should waste my time with such a person. Even if it is a misunderstanding - when are we meeting, are we meeting for StV / tomorow, whatever. Misunderstandings happen all the time.

 

To me, he showed his arse. Well, thank you for the lovely view, but I am not exactly impressed.

 

I totally agree that we know eachother for only 6 weeks, but he is all alone in this city, and so am I. I have been a lady with him, fully supportive and 100% there when he got robbed. Called and texted, went over, listened and calmed him down. Inviting him with my friends always - since he has zero social life. Making sure he gets company and food when he got home late from his trips. Same thing from him, wanting to see me always, spend time and effort with me. And then, this.

 

Not cool. Not considerate. Not respectful. Am I disappointed? To the moon and back. Too bad for him. Too bad for me. Too bad for us.

 

How would you have preferred he handled things differently? As in, how would you have liked him to cancel v-day on you?

 

It seems you're upset at the way he did it, more than actually canceling it? Am I misinterpreting?

[outsidethebox]

yup

 

one and a half months of dating, spent together a lot of time, asked to see me all the time when he was free, cooked for me, cooked for him, seemed normal.

 

we were supposed to see eachother tomorrow - he might not have realized it was St.V. Texts me to say "he's not available tomorrow".

 

I crack up jokes about the pressure of St.V - I thought it was a joke, making fun of me. The guy texts me back, saying "you are right".

 

Well, after one and a half months of dating, wanting to spend all time with me, always keeping in touch, every single bloody day, now he feels pressured. Understands I'm upset, texts me good night and I say "I don't think so. Don't call. Don't text. Thank you."

 

He tries to act all surprise, saying he doesn't write - whatever, I deleted the SOB's texts and tel number.

 

Was so angry that I dropped him a note saying that he should feel to call me, when he finds his balls, signed: "the girl good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to date for St.V".

 

I dropped another mail saying that I wasn't expecting any special date or flowers, just his company and decent conversation. just like the usual. Maybe some chocolates.

 

At this point, I am sooo disappointed that even if he does call, it won't make a difference. Talk about pressure, avoidance or commitment issues, oh my GOD, lol!

 

I am so grateful that this happened after 2 months (not even). Thanks Lord!!

 

I mean, I did have a guy who felt pressured once because I offered to cook for him - I thought that was crazy. Anyway, another St.V., another single girl .

 

I guess that chair, at the bar, with the best view on the window actually has my name tattooed on it forever !

 

There's 7 pages on this already, haven't read them yet, but the guy texts that's he's not available next day (Valentines Day) after a month and a half seeing each other every day and you go NC????

 

wow, seriously? He gets shook up about Valentines Day and you get shook up that he got shook up? I don't know which is more of an overreaction. But it's amazing you two lasted six weeks.

[Almond_Joy]

I stopped reading on p. 5.

 

I'm a woman, and IMO, you were way over the top OP.

 

Even if you thought the man was trying to outsmart you, you did not have to blow up at him and call the whole thing off over it.

 

You are obviously a highly reactive individual, very opinionated, and to some you would certainly come off as abrasive.

 

Some people cannot handle that or see it as being confrontational and creating tension for no good reason. This guy seems like that type. I don't think him being hesitant to hurt your feelings or upset you is a wholly unreasonable train of thought, from what you've displayed of your personality also.

 

He was probably thinking "Crap, St. V's a big deal to this woman (as it is to a lot of women) , but we haven't defined what's going on between us, I'm not ready to have that talk with her, she's gonna flip the f*** out....f***." And he kept putting off confirming with you because he's trying to figure out how to say this to you without sparking some argument or biting sarcastic remark from you, because he doesn't want that, he doesn't LIKE it all the time. I imagine you talked to him like this all the time.

 

But he finally bites the bullet and texts you, too late for your liking so he MUST have done it intentionally to be disrespectful to you by your reasoning. You call him on what was bothering him in none too nice a manner, then just blow whatever this was completely to smithereens because he couldn't give you a straight answer then and there. Lord, the man was nervous! Cut him some slack! You said yourself you know you can be a lot to handle. You could have given the man a minute to collect his thoughts or, even better, initiated a conversation about the bigger issue that was bothering you. You could have gotten a constructive conversation about the relationship from this experience if you weren't busy assuming he was trying to pull something over on you.

 

It sounds like you need a guy who likes a little drama in their life, because you made a mountain of a molehill here.

Edited February 15, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[dreamingoftigers]

I tried to edit my last post, but was unable to.

 

You're setting expectatiosn for tomorrow by remidning him, "it's st. V tomorrow, you know" Then he responds, "yah, too much." You're also belittling him by replying, "what'r you, 14?" I mean come on. Not only are you're overblowing the whole issue, but you're also taking a metaphorical **** on him.

 

I think you should review yourself and your behavior. Right now you're coming off as a vial individual.

 

I found the whole shaming response to be particularly vile.

 

Now instead of the guy actually sharing and admitting he felt some VDAY pressure (at six weeks that makes total sense! I had a relationship that started within weeks of valentines and there aren't very many "I like you, let's see where this goes" cards!). This guy who is "a nice guy, a generous lover, normal etc." Who ISN'T AVAILABLE ON THE 14TH gets totally shat on and shut out.

 

Then his ex-six weeker comes on here listing the shaming messages as

some sort of "free woman don't take no Sh*t" accomplishment! She just treated someone that she described in rather glowing terms, like absolute crap when she had a golden window to be "cool, understanding" chick who probably would've gotten a nice rose for her understanding next time he saw her.

 

Duh! Is the OP "14"?

 

Best of luck to him.

[candie13]

hey, guys

 

a few words of honest and dear appreciation for taking your time to input, read and give me "the real deal" on this... event, really. I appreciate and am so thankful for the input of each and everyone of you, Fondue, TheZebra, Radu. LEIGH (!!!!), Almond Joy, outsidethebox, Iamajerk17, clia, Treasa, Emilia, Archgirl, MidwestUSA, RachR, Janesays, ja123, SJC2008 (!!!), crude, pbjbear, runningfar, Bristolius, Keenly, CaptObvious,ltjg45, TouchedbyViolet,ChessPieceFace, amaysngrace, StanMusial, Chs, in no particular order (hope I didnt forget anyone).

 

Thank you, ya all, an update will follow shortly!

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually showed my husband the OP.

 

His response: "what a lucky guy!"

 

I can totally see why this guy didn't want to have this conversation, if that indeed was what it was.

 

Normal cycle or healthy relationships, men pull back a little bit when they feel that they are in over their heads. If the girl loses it, they typically call it quits. Their cortisol levels go wild under emotional duress. And much quicker too.

 

I stopped reading on p. 5.

 

I'm a woman, and IMO, you were way over the top OP.

 

Even if you thought the man was trying to outsmart you, you did not have to blow up at him and call the whole thing off over it.

 

You are obviously a highly reactive individual, very opinionated, and to some you would certainly come off as abrasive.

 

Some people cannot handle that or see it as being confrontational and creating tension for no good reason. This guy seems like that type. I don't think him being hesitant to hurt your feelings or upset you is a wholly unreasonable train of thought, from what you've displayed of your personality also.

 

He was probably thinking "Crap, St. V's a big deal to this woman (as it is to a lot of women) , but we haven't defined what's going on between us, I'm not ready to have that talk with her, she's gonna flip the f*** out....f***." And he kept putting off confirming with you because he's trying to figure out how to say this to you without sparking some argument or biting sarcastic remark from you, because he doesn't want that, he doesn't LIKE it all the time. I imagine you talked to him like this all the time.

 

But he finally bites the bullet and texts you, too late for your liking so he MUST have done it intentionally to be disrespectful to you by your reasoning. You call him on what was bothering him in none too nice a manner, then just blow whatever this was completely to smithereens because he couldn't give you a straight answer then and there. Lord, the man was nervous! Cut him some slack! You said yourself you know you can be a lot to handle. You could have given the man a minute to collect his thoughts or, even better, initiated a conversation about the bigger issue that was bothering you. You could have gotten a constructive conversation about the relationship from this experience if you weren't busy assuming he was trying to pull something over on you.

 

It sounds like you need a guy who likes a little drama in their life, because you made a mountain of a molehill here.

[candie13]

and dremingoftigers, thank you too !!!