thank you, St.V, for making me join the single ladies, again

[Rita86]

What do you think?

 

Just dump him & avoid making the same mistake with the next guy

[Almond_Joy]

I have always thought that if a guy is interested, he would pay attention to these details, especially at the beginning. It may sound silly, but it is at the beginning that you should do all the romantic stuff, bring flowers, make surprises, celebrate St. V, etc because you are building your potential relationship, not after one year, when you have certainty...

 

 

This is a good starting point. If you choose to give him another shot, tell him this, pretty much exactly as you've written here.

 

Which phone conversation are you talking about, the one on VDay? Or did you have one Friday or yesterday and he didn't offer to see you?

 

If you're talking about the VDay one, you said earlier that he did ask to come see you after he and his friend split. You said he texted you and called you a couple times that night and you didn't answer. If you're talking about the evening of VDay, he did make the effort. Just want to point that out because it sounded like you were discounting his effort.

 

After the blowup you guys had that night, it's very remarkable that he is still talking to you, still asking to see you. To me it sounds like he wants to keep this thing going.

 

That's something else - you're calling this a relationship already. Have you two agreed you're in a committed relationship or still dating? He may think you're still dating, and some men will only put a certain amount of effort into dating.

 

Tell him what you want and how you want to be treated. I'm glad you kept coming back to the thread to hear other perspectives on this situation, but you have shown here that you are a reasonable, articulate, and very genuine woman. If you can put aside your anger and hurt, I think you can have a very straightforward non-dramatic conversation with this guy at this point, and get your answers and be comfortable making a decision from there.

 

I will say, if you talk to him in this straightforward manner and still don't get earnest, straightforward answers in response from him, you may want to move on. To me that would say he's unwilling to be straightforward with you for whatever reason and if that's how you prefer to communicate you need to be with someone that will be comfortable communicating that way.

 

 

Good luck.

 

EDIT: After reading Rita's comment, it occurred to me that you may not be hellbent on making this thing with this guy happen.

 

So just wanted to add that if you're not really into this guy, this is too much hassle, and you probably should just break it off. But you seem to be investing alot of energy into this...thing, so I'm giving advice on the assumption that you're really into this guy aside from this whole VDay thing.

Edited February 17, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[candie13]

 

If you're talking about the VDay one, you said earlier that he did ask to come see you after he and his friend split. You said he texted you and called you a couple times that night and you didn't answer. If you're talking about the evening of VDay, he did make the effort. Just want to point that out because it sounded like you were discounting his effort.

 

After the blowup you guys had that night, it's very remarkable that he is still talking to you, still asking to see you. To me it sounds like he wants to keep things going.

 

Tell him what you want and how you want to be treated. I'm glad you kept coming back to the thread to hear other perspectives on this situation, but you have shown here that you are a reasonable, articulate, and very genuine woman. If you can put aside your anger and hurt, I think you can have a very straightforward non-dramatic conversation with this guy at this point, and get your answers and be comfortable making a decision from there.

 

I will say, if you talk to him in this straightforward manner and still don't get earnest, straightforward answers in response from him, you may want to move on. To me that would say he's unwilling to be straightforward with you for whatever reason and if that's how you prefer to communicate you need to be with someone that will be comfortable communicating that way.

 

Good luck.

 

We are just dating, never talked about what that meant, if it's a relationship or anything. After being intimate, I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else, he said no. That was it.

 

It was supposed to be easy, but it sort of snowballed out of control, as we started to see eachother quite often - he was traveling, I was traveling, you get the pic.

 

He was very nice, considering how totally out of control I reacted. After I sent him those emails, before St V, he called - actually on St. V. Then we didn't meet up and I led him to believe I was out on a date - he knew I wanted to see my friends before leaving for the weekend. Texted during "my date" - I did not respond. He called in the morning, asking me if I wanted to go on a date with him, as he wanted to cook for me. He said he understood if I needed to think about this. On Friday, after this conversation, I thought about it & decided to not see him anymore - it is because of the "straightforwardness". I had done it via email. He called again, after my dumping him for a second time via mail. We agreed to talk once I get back from my girls' weekend.

 

I will do exactly as suggested - quick conversation, no drama (no more PMS, hurray) and see how he choses to communicate. In the end, I just want to be really straightforward, apologize for my reaction and be willing to understand his pov, should he still want to share it with me.

 

I'll tell you how it goes, we're supposed to meet tom.

 

Thank you, all of you, for your very very precious input, also this sounds like "crazy woman from hell out on the loose", this experience helped me grow immensely - and it is especially due to your input!

 

Have a great evening, everyone !

[candie13]

got my date in one hour, shoot, I am sh*t scared ! Glad I am not a guy, being a guy is hard work! He must think I'll rip his head off... if he ever shows up, that is.

[candie13]

what can I say, I have been on dates before, but this guy... yeah, he is something else. I usually get my way, with men. And if I don't get my way, I will scream and shout and get my way anyway. Well... not with this fella', I don't !

 

he genuinely hates St.V. And yes, he hates the pressure. And he thought I was cool - which I generally am. Thought to himself we've only been dating for less than 2 months... and yeah, I did make a big fuss of it and it did turn him off even more. So he just wanted me to chill - give me time to chill - and conveniently, have St.V out of the way. Anyway, he did want to see me later - was it because he was afraid I might be "on a date" or might do something stupid? I don't know.

 

It doesn't matter. Out of all the guys I ever dated, he is the first one to say no to me, have me act all irrational, still say no to me, and yet come and get me. Yeah, I find that hot. Very hot.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still am sad and disappointed, but hell, I don't know, I am totally confused. He is something else. He thought / understood I wanted to cook smth home and introduce him to my friends. Boy, that would freak me out, for sure. I'd talk about it, but I'd be freaked out. So I asked him what he was afraid about. I confronted him, he wasn't able to spell it out.

 

yeah, poor communicator. I have a huge HUGE pride and have no idea how to take one for the team. No idea.

 

but yeah, I am speechless. For the first time, I have no words. I have no idea how to react to this. He handled me... I am soooo impressed. Smooth. Rational. Showed me how stupid I'd be to let this go away for one thing. And when he was saying that, I realized he was telling the truth and I believed him.

 

I should also be scared, because I will need to handle his own fears, at some point. And if I have a feisty character... I feel he can be so determined. Stubborned almost. A real guy. I almost feel like before, I was dating little boys whom I could convince to do almost everything I wanted them to... hello, world, we learn something new everyday!

[Miss1122]

I feel your pain. I dated a nice guy too for over a month. I think he really liked me but not enough to stick around. I think he got scared that we were moving too fast. Just letting you know your not the only one in this kind of situation.

[candie13]

hum... a bit different, maybe: liked me, but not enough to be with me on St.V. I had a horrible fit, dumped him, he came back, basically telling me I cannot judge him on one f*ck up (which, he confessed and he assumes, since we've barely started to see each other).

 

his come back was very hot because he was not excusing himself or begging for me to take him back. He was explaining me the facts. Not playing the sentimental chord. I was very sad, because I still felt very rejected, but was sort of imagining myself shagging him in the bathroom, at the same time. Yes, I am that bad! And no, I did not kiss him or go home with him or say anything else. But boy, he made me feel horny ! I have the hots for him!

 

What do you know, it only takes a guy to totally ignore me for St.V, to make me feel that way about him... Gosh, I hope he's not a manipulator!

[sb129]

hum... a bit different, maybe: liked me, but not enough to be with me on St.V. I had a horrible fit, dumped him, he came back, basically telling me I cannot judge him on one f*ck up (which, he confessed and he assumes, since we've barely started to see each other).

 

his come back was very hot because he was not excusing himself or begging for me to take him back. He was explaining me the facts. Not playing the sentimental chord. I was very sad, because I still felt very rejected, but was sort of imagining myself shagging him in the bathroom, at the same time. Yes, I am that bad! And no, I did not kiss him or go home with him or say anything else. But boy, he made me feel horny ! I have the hots for him!

 

What do you know, it only takes a guy to totally ignore me for St.V, to make me feel that way about him... Gosh, I hope he's not a manipulator!

 

SOunds like he is pretty straight up really.

 

He's right- you can't judge him on one f8ck up when you've only just started to see eachother.

 

Are you seeing eachother again?

 

The fact that he was prepared to meet up with you and tell it like it is is quite impressive IMO. Many people wouldn't bother.

[candie13]

Straight up and the patience of a Greek God - we are dating for 7 weeks now and gave him hell for one whole week, now.

 

After our last face to face talk, we IM and he said he wanted to slap me on my arse really hard to that I get some sense come back into me, during our date . For sure, I want to see him again, but I will make sure to be keeping the lead here. Despite us seeing each other for a very short period of time, we would spend a lot of time together and do a lot of really nice things for each other. I mean a LOT. I did not imagine that. And no, it was not just about sex. That is why I had expectations for St.V.- or at least, a sort of acknowledgment of some sort, for St.V. Then, I got served the "but we've only been together for not even 2 months".

 

Ok, then, mister, I'll keep playing along, but not the way you want it. If we are at the beginning, we should act as a couple at the beginning, who gets to know each other, instead of spending almost all the time when we're in the same city together - awake and sleeping together. Can't have all the "fun" and none of the "responsibilities" .

[outsidethebox]

I don't know what you're saying but I like it.

[candie13]

well, let me explain: we dated for a short while, but after having sex, we discovered we were really compatible and spent almost every moment of the day together... not acting like a couple who met one month ago.

 

When the bloody StV came along, he "remembered" we were only together for less than 2 months and made me realize that I had unreasonable expectations from him, considering.

 

Ok, fair enough, I was crazy. But if we are only together for less than 2 months and I have no right to "expect" anything for St.V., we should also start behaving like a couple who is at the beginning, and not spend all the breathing moment with each other - and I am not talking about just having sex, I mean properly spending all evenings and nights together, sleeping over and stuff. Couple together for 6 months do that.

 

So, considering this event, we shall regress to the initial stages of dating, when he has to actually work for my attention and time and is grateful for spending time with me... other wise, I risk to get the "StV" all over again, next time. IT doesn't mean that I shall enjoy seeing him less... but him, as most guys, need to chase a girl in order to treat her properly, it seems.

 

simply put:

 

1 and 1/2 months: occasional dates, maybe occasional sex... no StV

6 months: lots of time spent together, sex, nights and days spent together, cooking, talking, providing support, meeting my friends... may celebrate StV together

 

Fair, isn't it?

[sb129]

I think you are overthinking this.

 

St V day is nearly a week ago- time to get over it now, and don't make this into some kind of power game with him re: keeping the lead etc.

 

Just relax and enjoy it, go with the flow and let it evolve.

 

and if your birthday is coming up, give the guy some warning.

[candie13]

Oh, I shall never mention that that celebration ever again. The thing is with these celebrations is a bit like respect - you cannot just ask for it, it doesn't work this way. Fine, I got it .

 

And... I actually did relax and certainly enjoyed it, and look what good it did to me. Trust me, right now, I really don't feel like talking about birthdays or anything. We are only dating for one month? Let's make it even more fun, let's say it's only a few weeks. Cool, we should also act like it too :) . I don't sleep with people I am seeing for a few weeks. I don't spend the night cuddling either. Dates at that stage happen outside, in the daylight. This way, a lot less pressure on me too, no expectations, just like you say, I am giving it time to evolve, to get to know each other. No more romantic evenings in. No more talks until dawn. I am fine with that.

 

It'll be great, finally a match for my taste, cannot wait !

[candie13]

pffff... that means no more wine either, that sh*t makes me act all crazy/ disinhibited, bummer !

[outsidethebox]

If it were me I would have gone with St.V with my babe over some dude, but I'm into crazy, disinhibited chicks, what can I say.

[apple OR orange]

welcome to the male world of dating, we have this all the time..... its called supply and demand, he was in great demand (like almost all women who do the same thing to guys).

 

Its part of life, nothing you can do about it really..

[candie13]

Its part of life, nothing you can do about it really..

 

While I totally agree with the first part of your comment, I strongly disagree with the second one. There's always something a smart, resourceful young girl can do ! Not gonna let a guy run my world. Equal pay for equal rights. I am not afraid to lead, you know.

[candie13]

and then... the only thing a decent girl can do, is walk away.

 

He hated the idea of stepping back to "dating" - he was expecting me to go to his place and spend the evening together. Sorry, mate, not gonna happen. I mean, I totally understand his pov on StV, no worries, but he must also understand that I have my guards up. Some regression is impossible to not have. I cannot fake not caring about it. I accept it. But he must also acknowledge that his action had an effect.

 

It's not supposed to be this complicated. It's supposed to go away with an honest "it didn't mean much to me, sorry if I hurt you". He never said that or I've never heard it.

 

It's his pride. He never does anything wrong. Can't have that. I can't lie to myself, I know the truth. I got my own pride too. I guess we both stay with the things we treasure most: our pride. Predictable. I am glad he helped me out. I am glad he let me go .

[pbjbear]

2 wrongs don't make a right.

 

Don't start the " If there was no x there wouldn't be any y "

 

It's wrong to use some one.

It's wrong to manipulate some one.

 

You would like that wouldnt you, to be able to use a girl and she still gives you sex whenever you want? No thanks

[outsidethebox]

that's Keenly you're talking to. He's the farthest from what you're saying as there is.

[candie13]

hey, guys, update: we sort of met in the middle: were supposed to see a film on Sat, but actually met on late Friday for a concert. Had a good time. No more expectations, this time. He is also taking it slower, I am seeing my friends, it is good to find a balance, a mid way.

 

until the next time. I do believe it is very important to see how a person fights, that says a lot more about someone than how he manages the merry weather.

 

I'm not keeping my eyes on this relationship so much, I guess I accept that I cannot control everything. It turn out good, fine. It won't work - well, I had a good time while it lasted. I am not perfect so it would be silly to expect him to be perfect.