At my wits end...nothing is working...I hate L.A.

[WriterGirl]

Hi,

 

I am a woman in L.A. with more pluck than luck, but in some areas, things are turning around. My writing career is finally going my way, and I could be able to work as a writer full time by Christmas (I teach to make ends meet).

 

My problem is that LA men find me repulsive. I try to follow all the RULES, follow my friends advice to let the guys talk and not discuss myself unless they ask, try dating services, go to singles parties, and even give guys I am not interested in a chance (more than any LA man has done for me) who may be "Diamonds in the Rough" (Smart Women, Foolish Choices, I have discovered is outdated BS). I have tried everything, and here I am at 35, educated, pretty (I look like an ethnic, brunette Kate Winslet), and not only do guys stand me up, stiff me and reject me, but they attack me on every personal level, sending me lists of why I am such a rotten human being, and then attack me for having a low self image. Seriously, if every guy you met treated you like that, wouldn't you feel bad about yourself too? I have either lost out to rich girls, butt ugly girls (and some with very mean personalities and baggage of their own), or much younger girls.

 

And the men I do attract are dirt poor, have unsavory histories or are going to work on gardening trucks....(shouldn't even lowly me have standards?)

 

Maybe I am cursed...I have even tried therapy, but nobody finds anything really wrong with me and that I am just looking at the wrong guys. Every rejection drives me further into my shell so I just want to stay in and write, or just go out with girlfriends to networking parties or on assignment.

 

I am going crazy...I haven't had good sex in over three years (18 months of it spent with a man who was impotent...who I gave a chance to who dumped me after invading my privacy and reading my diary)

 

I am considering suicide on my 40th birthday if I don't find somebody who gets me and loves me for who I am. (just kidding) People are telling me to move to New York and that east Coast men would "get me"--but I cannot leave L.A. at just this moment (though the idea of moving to New York appeals to me increasingly, as it is the center of publishing and I miss culture).

 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

 

 

Elyse

[reasontosigh]

I would think L.A. is full of transplanted East Coast guys who would "get" you.

 

Perhaps UCFKevin, being one of them, could provide some insight here.

[chicasha]

I'm sorry you're havin such a tough time out in LA. Good job on your writing career though....keep it up. Altho...if ur like me....even if your career is important to you, u always feel a little sad about the rest of ur life..esp in a new city (thats me!).

 

I dunno..i'm at the point where i'm thinking guys just suck...plain and simple. I dont' know why these guys would treat you this way......but gosh, its not fair to you.

I too moved to a new city..(not as far as LA...only a couple hours away from my home)...but i know what u mean..being in a new place, trying to make new friends...adjusting to a new career....on top of that, trying to meet a decent guy who you like. Gosh......and after all these things you do to, all these chances you take....u got shot down by guys. I'm sorry....i empathize. I'm not sure if I have any words of advice...b/c pretty much the same thing has been happening to me...maybe not to the same extent, but it still feels pretty ****ty.

 

all i can say...is after all this, its hard to have a good self esteem. i know u shouldn't depend on other people to feel good about urself....but really, how can u not, when all they do is **** on you?!?!?!

that's what i wanna know.

 

i also wanna meet an awesome guy...some guy who has the guts to committ to me...someone who i like for everything that he is..and someone i can fall in love with too.

I thought I'd found THAT guy....until yesterday when he told me he wasn't interested in a relationship.

UGGH..

 

I dunno if there are guys out there who are gems. I would like to hope so...but its hard when every guy i've been itnerested in does nothing but **** on me.

 

so...i completely undrestand what ur going thru. I wish i had words of advice....but if I did, i'd be in a different situation right now!! :-( Maybe u can at least feel better than ur not alone in this :-(

[WriterGirl]

Just curious...where are all the New York guys. Hell, if I can get work in New York, I would move there in a second. By mid-2005, I think my portfolio will be strong enough to get the attention of a few good editors.

 

I would miss the weather in L.A., but thanks to my home girls and best gay friends, I know I can always come back for visits and networking.

 

Elyse

[WriterGirl]

Well, I am not alone...

 

But it should not hurt this much...I can't even get relationships going..They meet me, have a great time on the first date and kick my ass and then do long lists of everything that's wrong with me.

 

What do I have to do to make guys like me? I became pretty as an adult, and I lost guys to ugly, mean girls. I got educated and men are writing me off as stupid. I take pride in the fact that I am not a corporate girl, and the men blast me for being poor and rub my lack of money in my face. I do not live in the hood. I have dedicated girlfriends...

 

Where do you live that the men are so awful, and I will cross that place off my list.

 

I cringe at the thought of winding up like some of my friends, middle aged, faded and unable to find anything lasting. I can't bear to become one of them, even though they are strong and are not bothered by these abusive nutcases.

 

Elyse

[murasaki]

Originally posted by WriterGirl

 

I am a woman in L.A. with more pluck than luck, but in some areas, things are turning around. My writing career is finally going my way, and I could be able to work as a writer full time by Christmas (I teach to make ends meet).

 

OK this was the first thing that gave me pause. You say that you teach in order to make ends meet. I hope you just left out the part about how you enjoy teaching, because if that's not the case I feel sorry for your students. Especially if they're children. I'm not trying to be tangential here, I think it's an important point that's related to your problem.

 

My problem is that LA men find me repulsive. I try to follow all the RULES, follow my friends advice to let the guys talk and not discuss myself unless they ask, try dating services, go to singles parties, and even give guys I am not interested in a chance (more than any LA man has done for me) who may be "Diamonds in the Rough" (Smart Women, Foolish Choices, I have discovered is outdated BS). I have tried everything, and here I am at 35, educated, pretty (I look like an ethnic, brunette Kate Winslet), and not only do guys stand me up, stiff me and reject me, but they attack me on every personal level, sending me lists of why I am such a rotten human being, and then attack me for having a low self image. Seriously, if every guy you met treated you like that, wouldn't you feel bad about yourself too? I have either lost out to rich girls, butt ugly girls (and some with very mean personalities and baggage of their own), or much younger girls.

 

Oh wow. Rules, huh? I've got a lot of sympathy for what you're experiencing, I've been through long dry periods where I didn't meet any men I found interesting who returned the sentiment. And I can't compromise on the qualities I need: intelligence, kindness, honesty, able to put another before himself. Because I have these qualities myself. I don't expect someone to be something that I'm not -- like rich. But you say that while you've been rejected for not being rich yourself you complain that:

 

And the men I do attract are dirt poor, have unsavory histories or are going to work on gardening trucks....(shouldn't even lowly me have standards?)

 

So it comes out sounding as though you're looking for a wealthy guy, despite the fact that you're not wealthy yourself. You're holding men who would date you to a higher standard than you want men to hold you to.

 

I just don't think there are rules that work universally -- biting your tongue so that he can talk about himself all night? Are you kidding? And you're a writer by profession? Would you even be interested in someone who was attracted to women who let him do all the talking?

 

Maybe I am cursed...I have even tried therapy, but nobody finds anything really wrong with me and that I am just looking at the wrong guys.

 

Um, yeah. It kind of sounds like it. What are you looking for in a guy? And I'm not sure where this fits in, but it also was jarring: you've noted that you've lost out to "butt ugly" girls. Ever consider the possibility that those girls weren't playing by any rule book, and were just being themselves? No strategic tongue-biting, no personality contortions. Maybe they're just cool. The fact that they are, in your estimation, "ugly," says what, exactly? That you thought the men who picked them were operating on shallow ideals ,so it doesn't make sense that they chose "ugly" girls over you? But if you were expecting the men to be so shallow as to be primarily concerned about looks, then why the shock when such men prove to be concerned about money, and your relative lack of it?

 

Every rejection drives me further into my shell so I just want to stay in and write, or just go out with girlfriends to networking parties or on assignment.

 

Well I can relate to the frustrations of futile dating -- no matter who's doing the rejecting, it sucks to go out on numerous first dates and feel like you're just spinning your wheels.

 

I am going crazy...I haven't had good sex in over three years (18 months of it spent with a man who was impotent...who I gave a chance to who dumped me after invading my privacy and reading my diary)

 

What I've found is that when I've tried to figure out what the formula is, and when I've been driven to go to every party, go out every weekend, take every opportunity to possibly meet a good guy, I've always been disappointed. At some point the desperation led to bemused and cynical resignment to the fact that for the time being anyway I was single. I went out if I felt like it (not because I thought I should), and I went out with a whatever-I'm-just-going-to-enjoy-myself attitude. And that's when I've met men I eventually fell in love with. It was in such circumstances that I met my current boyfriend.

 

I am considering suicide on my 40th birthday if I don't find somebody who gets me and loves me for who I am. (just kidding) People are telling me to move to New York and that east Coast men would "get me"--but I cannot leave L.A. at just this moment (though the idea of moving to New York appeals to me increasingly, as it is the center of publishing and I miss culture).

 

I hope you were indulging in a bit of hyperbole about the suicide idea; I take it you were. I love New York, I think it's the best place in the U.S., in North America for that matter. But I don't think your problem is entirely about location -- you seem to have some weird ideas about what men are looking for in a woman, and what you should be requiring of any man who wants to date you.

 

I forgot to add before that the connection I see between the possibility that you're looking for the wrong things and therefore looking at the wrong guy, and the fact that as your post currently reads you're basically saying that you just teach because it's a job and you need the money, is this: both attitudes suggest a person who is only concerned with her wants & needs, and just uses others opportunistically. Students -- adults or children -- deserve to have teachers who have some enthusiasm for teaching. Rich, handsome, accomplished men deserve to be with women who appreciate them not because of their wealth or looks or status, but because of their inner qualities.

 

If I've misread you I'm sorry. But I read your posts a couple of times and still have these questions.

[WriterGirl]

I am looking for support and you are just as mean and judgemental as all the men I have dated in L.A.

 

First, on the teaching HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME by telling me how bad off my students are. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have chosen it...and I work with special needs kids--the ones others are afraid to get close to.

 

second, HOW DARE YOU attack me on wanting to marry "wealthy" and having stadards that are too high. This web site is supposed to be for support not for you to be self rightous. I simply want a guy who is not being supported by his parents or leaching off friends...and sadly, I attrack slobs like that...don't know why. and men who are old enough to be my grandfather.

 

 

You just made a bad day worse for me--you really had a lot of fun ripping me apart, didn't you.

 

SHAME ON YOU!!! You make Donald Trump look like Santa Claus in comparison.

 

Watch me bleed

[WriterGirl]

This really destroyed my day in fact...I don't know who the right guy is and, after reading your bile and venom twice, you just attacked me for taking care of myself...you probably have support from family and friends. I work two jobs just to stay afloat, and I try to take as good care of myself as possible.

 

Maybe you should just realize not everybody is as blessed as you are....I deserve a good man with a solid background as much as anybody else. And what I meant by letting the guy do the talking was to show them I was not self absorbed.

 

You are the meanest person I have met online and I hope somebody makes you swalllow your own venom some day.

 

Elyse

[chicasha]

elyse..in all fairness, I don't think she meant it to be mean. She was just playing devil's advocate......and

u know someone has to do that.

 

don't let it destroy you day...maybe u are having a good day.....but u should also know that posting on this

forum pretty much lays ur life on here for other people to comment on. U should be ready for that...right..??

 

i'm not trying to take sides...i'm just saying don't take it too personally..she was just commenting on ur post. I don't think she deserves to swallow venom ;-)

when I read her posts...i didn't feel as if she was attacking you...i think she was just asking a question...maybe she should have put it in a better way though.

 

just..sleep on it....and think about it again. don't feel attacked...remember, u are in control. If u post on here....u may read what u don't wanna read.....but its just one person's opinion, and u don't have to listen to it.

 

hope this helps.....i don't think ur doing anything wrong...but maybe it will help to consider other people's points of view of ur life, and see if maybe there's something they see, that u don't...??

[murasaki]

Seriously, chill out. Did you actually read my post or did you just see some constructive criticism and fly off the handle? If you think I was attacking you, go back and read again. Sure maybe I raised some possibilities that weren't too nice to consider, but nowhere did I say that that's how you must be -- I said that's how it sounds from reading your posts. More than once I explicitly allowed for the possibility that maybe there's more to the story than what you chose to include. You enjoy teaching? Great! You didn't say so in your post. You said you did it to make ends meet.

 

For a writer you're not very good at presenting your case. If someone gets a mistaken impression, perhaps you might consider that you gave a skewed and apparently inaccurate picture of yourself.

 

Sheesh. If my post to you had the power to ruin your whole day, I think you've got more problems than lacking a boyfriend.

[WriterGirl]

In all fairness, how would you feel if you were on the receiving end of that venom?

 

I guess I just don't deserve to be loved if this how strangers treat me--little miss perfect included. And I just happened to notice that the ugly girls were not necessarily good or nice people, they were just brilliant at playing the game...I am not. I am a nerd in designer clothing... Though there is common sense in her sprawling, humiliating reply, there is no compassion.

 

any good psychiatrist will not play "Devil's Advocate" in that way, and if they do, its malpractice

 

your advice was more tactful than hers,

[chicasha]

i'm not a psychiatrist, so sorry if i played devil's advocated. i was just trying to help....jeez.

i dunno why ur so negative on urself.

I'm a nerd too.....i'm a biopharmaceutical engineer...also in designer clothing. i dunno if thats a bad

thing or not, but didn't think so.

 

anyways...i just tried to be nice. i'm sorry....maybe i shouldn't have tried then.

 

bye.

[WriterGirl]

It is Murasaki that I am angry with-- not you...she's meaner than she has to be...If I had better luck with men, my life would be perfect. even thoughI am not rich, I am doing this by choice. I am working two jobs to make ends meet---and I CHOSE THESE JOBS....I WANTED TO DO those jobs rather than make a big sum of money at a corporation that has little regard for human life.

[HokeyReligions]

I have to say I agree 100% with muraski. WriterGirl, you need to back off and re-read the post. The only venom came from you. You did contradict yourself several times in your own post.

 

Exactly what kind of help are you asking for? If it's tea and sympathy that you want, a public forum is not the place for it. You will get honest opinions. If nothing else, at least look at all of this as a learning tool for your own writing.

 

You might also want to read the guidelines for posting here. You are not being civil and you are doing quite a bit of hateful name calling. That should get your posts edited, if not deleted outright.

 

If this is the kind of attitude and reaction you have when you are dating, I can understand why you are not having much luck. There is a line that the only constant in your relationships is you. If you have the same problems all the time, instead of looking at the other guy - take a look at yourself.

 

Murasaki that I am angry with-- not you...she's meaner than she has to be...If I had better luck with men, my life would be perfect.

 

Murasaki was not mean--you were. Do you really believe that your life would be perfect if you had better luck with men? I can guarantee you that would not be the case.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

I have to say I agree 100% with muraski. WriterGirl, you need to back off and re-read the post. The only venom came from you. You did contradict yourself several times in your own post.

 

I didn't think I was mean either, and it certainly wasn't my intention. I gave a bit of thought and time to WriterGirl's problem, and while I'm fine with her refuting my ideas -- her problem, not mine, she knows herself best -- I'm not okay with being told that I'm full of bile and venom. Why would I bother typing out a long response to someone if I just wanted to diss them?

 

Overreact much?

 

Exactly what kind of help are you asking for? If it's tea and sympathy that you want, a public forum is not the place for it. You will get honest opinions. If nothing else, at least look at all of this as a learning tool for your own writing.

 

Very good point.

 

 

If this is the kind of attitude and reaction you have when you are dating, I can understand why you are not having much luck. There is a line that the only constant in your relationships is you. If you have the same problems all the time, instead of looking at the other guy - take a look at yourself.

 

Exactly. And while I didn't point this out before because I didn't want to pour salt in your wound I have to say that while I've gone through many a break-up, I've never had someone come up with a list of my character flaws, to drive home the point of why they don't want to date me. I mean, that kind of thing happens once, you can chalk it up to some guy being a gauche, immature, jerk. But if it happens more than once you've got to wonder... maybe it's not that The Men of Los Angeles are All Jerks, but that WriterGirl is overlooking her problems.

 

Murasaki was not mean--you were. Do you really believe that your life would be perfect if you had better luck with men? I can guarantee you that would not be the case.

 

Yeah, and here too I fully agree with HokeyReligions. It sounds like an almost superstitious attitude towards life and love. It's not all about luck, although I'm the first to agree that luck does play a role in meeting someone right for you.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by WriterGirl

Miss M did start the WriterGirl hate society.

 

I did no such thing! You chose to interpret my suggestions in a negative way.

 

I am so sorry I invaded your space. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...ALL OF YOU

 

Again, your interpretation, not something that came from anyone else on this site or in this thread. We've engaged your questions and comments honestly. But since that's not wanted, fear not -- I have nothing more to say.

[moimeme]

Murasaki

 

You were great. WriterGirl appears to have a major chip on her shoulder and I suspect she displays that as rapidly with the guys she goes out with as she did here.

 

WG, if you're still reading, then you should seek some professional help. That level of anger usually bespeaks some sort of underlying problem. Nobody deserved the anger and hostility you displayed. Nobody was being 'venomous' or anything else you accused them of being.

 

I'd be very surprised if many of those nasty emails you claim you get after your dates didn't include suggestions that you seek counselling. Murasaki, chicasha, and Hokey gave you excellent advice; they weren't venomous at all.

 

Please do look for some help. Good luck to you.

[tokyo]

I think masuraki was a bit harsh, but I´d agree with most of her points. I also not always find all men who want to go out with me to be conform with my idea of the perfect man, but I think most were nice, educated and nobody has ever insulted me or started attacks on my charakter. Very weird....