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Gender Differences in Dating Difficulties


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Posted
This is an interesting question but in my observation the answers posted about men struggling more and why are off the mark a bit. As one of the women here who has posted of dating struggles I see it a bit differently. Most of the women who post here about the problems with getting dates (like myself) post one topic on the issue and later post topics on other issues (the man who won't commit, figuring out if a guy is interested, whether we should expand our horizons on responses to OLD inquiries like "How are you?". We seem to have a lot in common, men don't approach (ever), we are not getting the volumes of replies that we read that we should online, and when we finally do get a date, the men are hopelessly unavailable for undetermined reasons (we are great but...).

My perspective is that we post once about the initial struggle to get dates or quality prospects...are introspective about what we can do differently, take the advice as best we can, and come back when we are ready to post about something different. Conversely, there are a few men here who seem to revel in posting damn near the same post repeatedly, not changing anything, then complaining that they don't have dates. This makes it look like there are more men struggling.

From what I can tell, there are only a few posters making the majority of the "I never get a date" posts from the male perspective.

If you remove those outliers, it appears we all are struggling equally. Men are unclear when they can approach and thus don't. Women are given vastly mixed messages about approaching first and thus don't. As a result, we are all sitting here posting on loveshack instead of out dating. It's sad really.

I have had 3 years of tough luck since my separation and then divorce. It sucks and I have on various occasions felt like giving up altogether. Especially since IRL people continue to tell me that I am amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sexy, awesome - and yet, here I am - 35 years old and still having to ask men out or sit at home alone. So despite my issues, I am working right now to determine if the man I am interested in is single - if he is, I will yet again make the first move. Mixed messages or not - I want a lover. Rejection or not, I desire a relationship.

So I keep coming here, I keep learning, I keep working on myself, and I keep hope alive. Is it a struggle? Hell yes. Do I feel like giving up, hell yes. But do I? Hell no. On the other side of one of those feared and dreaded rejections is the man I am going to fall in love with. He's worth it.

 

You completely answered my question! This whole statement is brilliant.

 

It must come down to the different posting styles.

 

I created this thread because I know two separate women in my church who are early 40's, never married and no kids. Both are really amazing women, smart, funny, kind.... everything most guys would want. They are also both not bad looking. I recently heard someone mention that the one particular lady always wanted a family but never really dated. That kind of blew my mind.

Posted

 

A women is defined by what she inherits. She is a pretty women. An average women. An ugly women. Her mate value is tied to her age. But it is unaffected by her efforts in life. Who she is born as is more important than what she achieves , or who she becomes.

 

 

 

Nonsense. Men want educated, beautiful women to marry. Times have changed.

 

As far as women worrying about get "pumped and dumped", I've never understood this. Women want the sex as much as men but yet blame the man when he moves on. This never made sense to me because they both wanted the sex. Fair exchange is not robbery.

Posted
Nonsense. Men want educated, beautiful women to marry. Times have changed.

 

Perhaps there is a higher ratio these days than it was in the past but I can rest assure you that, under normal conditions, if a male has to choose between 2 females who is, with everything else about equal:

 

1. A female who looks like a movie star/porn star but only works retail/fast food.

2. A female who looks like an average female but has a college degree and a good middle-class job.

 

In that situation, the female most males would choose is #1 esp. if he himself has the college education/job experience himself where he doesn't need the help from the female within the relationship. Only a select few would value an education over looks in that situation.

 

After all, we was raised to take charge of the household. Those females who is capable of taking the lead but has to give up the looks to get there is not going to strengthen her standing with most males.

 

Now, if you can find a female who got an education and is still just as sexy as #1? Yeah, she is a complete upgrade over #1 and I doubt many males would not go for her instead but they are a very rare breed.

Posted
Ain't THAT the truth. I've never seen so many angry, bitter, dateless men in my life than I've seen here on this forum.

 

Maybe one day they'll learn how to be gentlemen instead of whining, demanding, bitter, angry little trolls who think the friggen world is going to end if they treat a woman to a lousy cup of coffee or a freakin burger and she doesn't put out for them right then and there. They think women should do all the heavy lifting while they sit back and 'gift' her with the splendor that is them.

 

How's that been working for ya, guys?

 

Your compassion is overwhelming.

Posted
I have no issues getting dates. I actually am taking a break from dating because going through so many guys was burning me out. Very few guys I dated were interested in a relationship with me (cue the "well its YOU" comments I will get from saying that...) and no, they werent all the same type of guy they had all different personalities. Im 25 and most guys around my age still see women primarily as sexual interests, some present themselves differently.

 

If you allow yourself to be treated as a sexual object then you are going to be treated like a sexual object. You obviously don't need your arm twisted to jump into bed. Why don't you abstain. Then you will find out who wants to be with you for you and not just sex.

Posted
Ain't THAT the truth. I've never seen so many angry, bitter, dateless men in my life than I've seen here on this forum.

 

Maybe one day they'll learn how to be gentlemen instead of whining, demanding, bitter, angry little trolls who think the friggen world is going to end if they treat a woman to a lousy cup of coffee or a freakin burger and she doesn't put out for them right then and there. They think women should do all the heavy lifting while they sit back and 'gift' her with the splendor that is them.

 

How's that been working for ya, guys?

 

Eh, I've never gotten the problem with paying for dates. Just pick a cheap date, pay for her and she'll be fine with it if she likes you.

 

I figure it's a double edged sword anyway: either she's using you for a free meal, or she doesn't like you and is paying for herself to send you a message. Might as well take the choice that makes you look good.

  • Author
Posted
Eh, I've never gotten the problem with paying for dates. Just pick a cheap date, pay for her and she'll be fine with it if she likes you.

I figure it's a double edged sword anyway: either she's using you for a free meal, or she doesn't like you and is paying for herself to send you a message. Might as well take the choice that makes you look good.

 

I will never understand why you seem to struggle getting dates. Online you seem very intelligent and articulate.

 

Even if you were fat, balding, and 5"2', you should at least be getting something.

 

Are you just crazy picky?

  • Like 1
Posted
I will never understand why you seem to struggle getting dates. Online you seem very intelligent and articulate.

 

Even if you were fat, balding, and 5"2', you should at least be getting something.

 

Are you just crazy picky?

 

I don't know. I don't think I am, but then again I've never had someone objective tell me whether I was or not.

 

All I know is that whenever I ask women out or try to talk to them, they appear disinterested at best and annoyed at worst. And these aren't supermodels either.

  • Author
Posted
Agree that not everyone has the personality to thrive in sales. There are other employment niches, however. The same is true in dating and life. Most guys and women adjust and play to their strengths. Some refuse. We see those results here.

There are in fact Special Olympic athletes BTW, an example of finding your own niche. They persevere and succeed despite significant disability, rather than whinging and blaming the world and life for being unfair. It's a choice. Some choices are associated with achievement and success. Playing the victim rarely, if ever, gets you to your goal.

 

I'm not really trying to say that you are wrong here... I'm just saying that these guys don't start out bitter as MC tries to portray it. They become bitter because they don't have the emotional tools to handle rejection.

 

The truth is that most of these guys come to this site expecting you gals to tell them that it's all their fault and that they suck... and that's exactly what you do. A little compassion goes a long way... but it takes a massive amounts of patience that most female posters are unwilling to provide.

 

I had three long term relationships in a row (2+yrs) end... Cheat, Used for $, then Cheat and Used for $. After that it took me almost 6 months to get right in the head.

 

Yet they refuse to follow the dress code that is needed to get into that particular lounge or to try the one down the street that doesn't have a velvet rope and a line snaking around the block.

If you read some of their threads, these are sometimes the pickiest, most finicky, unrealistic guys when it comes to women they deem acceptable to date. The club down the street isn't exclusive enough for them...never mind that it has better music, decent drinks, and a more reasonable cover charge. They'd rather beg and plead with the bouncer when their case is hopeless then turn bitter and negative that others are let in, and they aren't, instead of have a great experience without the hassle down the street.

Again, a choice.

 

Certainly this is true for some guys. My cousin is a 6'3" and 370lbs computer nerd... and is only attracted to petite blonde cheerleader types.

 

However, on of my cousin's friends dates anyone who likes him. He is handsome... but socially awkward. His last GF was obese and literally had a beard that she for some reason refused to shave. She actually wound up cheating on him with some guy from California. :confused:

 

Some truth to this.

Both genders struggle and face challenges in dating. I don't think it can be argued that one has it any easier than the other.

Great thread BTW!:)

 

I think because men and women are often have different goals and different roles in dating... the difficulties each face come at different points.

 

A guy who can't get a date will struggle to understand the problems of a woman who's biggest issue is picking the right guy. A woman who is drowning in dates will not understand a guy who can't get one.

 

I think a large number of people's dating woes are self inflicted.... but I also believe that about the rest of life too.

  • Author
Posted
I don't know. I don't think I am, but then again I've never had someone objective tell me whether I was or not.

All I know is that whenever I ask women out or try to talk to them, they appear disinterested at best and annoyed at worst. And these aren't supermodels either.

 

How do they appear disinterested? How do you approach them?

Posted (edited)

Great discussion. I haven't read the entire thread but I have skimmed. This is my take:

 

Male energy in the dating game is initiative. Female energy in the dating game is receptivity. This is something of an oversimplification in that in the history of both humankind AND LS, there are instances of women having initiated to receptive men, but I would say that is much more the exception.

 

There are pros and cons to each. A woman has to do little to get a date typically while a man typically has to do a lot more. A woman doesn't have to know how to initiate to get dates while a man typically does (see the above paragraph), and I believe this is what causes the struggling dudes so much consternation. BUT a man can improve his lot in how the opposite sex responds to him, I would say more than most women can. A man not being good-looking is hardly a deterrent because his personality-drive-accomplishments-ect really is what will make or break him.

Edited by Imajerk17
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