Draco Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago. We had a 2 year relationship. For the later part of it, we had to do a long distance relationship, and that is when things got shaky. Our insecurities showed and jealousy ran rampant...ended up fighting on the phone most of the time. About a month ago I moved to NYC for a research project, I was under the mentality that I'm starting over. I was ready to meet more people and stride out there with my A-game in the city...which I did. So I met girls the first week I was here, got their number, and started dating. The 2nd week I was here, my life turned into live soap opera. My ex got accepted into grad school here and is coming as well. As she was getting in, she called me, asked how I was doing and wanted to meet up. So we met that first night she arrived in the city. We had a great time, strolling in central park at night and checking out a couple of the lively shopping district. At the end of the night she lays the bombshell that she is seeing some other guy she met back home and now they have a long distance thing going, he is planning on coming every weekend. My first reaction was, what!? so soon? then I realize this is what happens most of the time, when a girl is finally ready to break up, she usually does it quick and with a vengeance...all her backup boys are already all lined up. So that was all expected. What I did not expect was her saying that she had actually wanted to meet me to slay her "old demons," to sort of confirm that I am not right for her so she can move on with her merry life with the new guy. But as she was seeing me on this very evening, instead of getting the closure that she wanted, she said she actually started to feel the old feelings for me back. (Mind you I really dressed hot for this night and maintained Cary Grant composure the whole time as my ex was telling me about how wonderful her new boyfriend was, so that probably did the trick) At the same night, she for some damned reason starts to tell me how her boyfriend is completely insecure about her still remaining friends with me and all this is driving him nuts. Although this was music to my ears, I realized that I simultaneously made my own life harder by not moving on and getting sucked right back into her craziness. The next day she called again and wanted to hang out again. I told her that I was uncomfortable doing that b/c of my respect for her new relationship. I told her I wouldn't like it if my new girlfriend kept seeing her ex. She ended up getting really upset and cried as she called me again saying that she really missed our friendship and had apparently convinced her boyfriend that it's okay to see me. So we would go out and meet some of her new classmates on this day, things went fine and I didn't ask many question. At the end of this day I decided I invited her to dinner. And on the third day I took her to dinner at a nice place with live jazz. Turns out when she went back home and called her boyfriend and told her we went out, he totally flipped out. The boy started to cry and throwing tantrum and eventually made demands and gave her an ultimatum-- either me or him. And since they just started this relationship, she decided she needed to give it a try and choose him. (which required her to have absolutely no contact with me) Two nights after this decision of theirs (on a Saturday night), the boy actually calls me at 4am in the morning and cursed and made threats at me! To quote, "She is my girl now, she is in my arms right now, I get to go home with her...you don't f%%king matter anymore, she is completely devoted to me so get the f%% lost and stop contacting her." To this nonsense I replied (with the mental capability of someone who's woken up at 4am), "you're such a loser! Guess what, I'm never gonna stop trying to stay friends with her and I haven't been the only one making the phone calls either." He got really pissed, swore at me some more, told me my ex's not gonna respond to me anymore and hung up. A day after this fine night, she calls me again. She wants to find ways to see me w/o letting this fool know. Isn't this some dramatic sh%t or what? Now I know my ex is all trouble, b/c any woman who can claim she loves two men usually are. But there seem to be some wicked satisfaction inside me to see how I can drive this new dude nuts. (I know, shame on me) Plus, deep down, I still have feelings for her. Right now we've cut down on meeting each other (still behind his back), I'm focusing on lab work and dating these two other girls. But I have a feeling that there's one roller-coaster of a summer yet to come. one specific question: 1. Do you guys think this is all whack and I should start implementing the "no contact" policy with her asap? Or do you think she is genuinely having second thoughts and it's time for me to hook her back in and away from this insecure dude's arms? If so, what level of contact will be appropriate? any comments will be appreciated!
uriel Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 I think you're already aware that some of your emotional expressions here aren't healthy / mature. You should definitely not try to get back together with this girl just to get one up on her boyfriend. How stupid is that? Why do you need to get one up on another guy just to satisfy some desire for revenge or to prove you're more of a stud than he is? A confident, mature man doesn't need to compete with other men in order to feel good about himself. He knows his own value. If you want to get together with this girl because you genuinely care about her and see a future, then going behind her boyfriend's back and playing second fiddle isn't the way to do it. Tell her that you'd like to be her boyfriend, but you're not going to take second place as a friend while she's with someone else. Tell her that it's wrong to be dishonest. (You do know it is, right?) Stay single and see other people in the meantime. Nothing wrong with that -- as long as you're not just playing and using them. (You know that's wrong, too, right?). -- uriel
ECVegas Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 Sounds like you have a very insecure woman on your hands that thrives on drama. This is obviously a game for her to see how many guys will fight over her honor. Even if you do win her, she may do the same thing to you with another guy. It could turn out to be a vicious cycle. Not very mature in my eyes. If you are into drama, games and that kind of stuff, then you've found the right woman. if you want to get into a serious and stable relationship with someone, then she is all wrong for you. Just depends on what you are looking for.
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