Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) I just got this message from him today: " I'm arranging to move my stuff, can't do friday but saturday. Is that ok with you? After all that, i'd love to have a chat with you whenever you want, so we can clear things up. I can feel a lot of resentment from you which is fine but i just want us not to be nasty to each other and to be clear about what we feel. I've done a lot of thinking and analyzing and i hope i can say i see things a bit more clearly than before. I feel i have the need to share those things with you... though i would understand if you are annoyed by me and if you don't want to hear any of it. Again i hope you are well" Which I answered back like this: "Sat is fine during the day. I wasn't nasty with you, I expressed feelings of surprise and pain, when I found out you believe my insecurities killed us and our common friends know only one side of the story, which is not true as I only blamed me for everything. I don't know if I'm ready to have a chat, it's all still very painful for me. You ignored me for weeks, I don't know why you want to have a chat now. I hope you are happy with your new flat and you're doing very well at your uni." He replied: " It's ok if you don't wanna chat now, "i understand" but bear in mind i would, so whenever you want to, let me know. I "ignored you" because i felt like i had to. I never said you were nasty with me i just don't want it to happen that's all. I'm not blaming you for everything, our song is a four-hands." What do I do now? Edited February 13, 2013 by Nuna
lovelifexx Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I know most people here will think that you should not hear what he has to say because "he just wants to relieve himself of his guilt" etc and that "this will set you back", "this will delay your healing process". NC! NC! NC! I don't think NC is the solution to every single issue. If my ex wanted to talk to me about something, I would hear him out. But perhaps that's because I live in Scandinavia, in a country where people are terrified of conflict and showing their feelings. It is like a sin here. Like everyone else, I don't want to get hurt; I want to protect myself. But I think sometimes you have to risk it.
Author Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I know most people here will think that you should not hear what he has to say because "he just wants to relieve himself of his guilt" etc and that "this will set you back", "this will delay your healing process". NC! NC! NC! I don't think NC is the solution to every single issue. If my ex wanted to talk to me about something, I would hear him out. But perhaps that's because I live in Scandinavia, in a country where people are terrified of conflict and showing their feelings. It is like a sin here. Like everyone else, I don't want to get hurt; I want to protect myself. But I think sometimes you have to risk it. I agree with both NC and with what you say too. I asked him many times to see me though, I just feel now it's too late to hear him out I really don't know what to do...
NoLeafClover Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I think you did good in your response. Don't give in your feelings. His email shows no remorse on the breakup. I don't see any signs of wanting to reconcile. Just him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. 1
Author Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I think you did good in your response. Don't give in your feelings. His email shows no remorse on the breakup. I don't see any signs of wanting to reconcile. Just him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. That's exactly what I felt too So you think I should never reply on his last message? I was preparing an answer, but I don't think it's going to make a difference...At the end of the day, if he really wants to see me, he will try again right?
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I just got this message from him today: " I'm arranging to move my stuff, can't do friday but saturday. Is that ok with you? After all that, i'd love to have a chat with you whenever you want, so we can clear things up. I can feel a lot of resentment from you which is fine but i just want us not to be nasty to each other and to be clear about what we feel. I've done a lot of thinking and analyzing and i hope i can say i see things a bit more clearly than before. I feel i have the need to share those things with you... though i would understand if you are annoyed by me and if you don't want to hear any of it. Again i hope you are well" Which I answered back like this: "Sat is fine during the day. I wasn't nasty with you, I expressed feelings of surprise and pain, when I found out you believe my insecurities killed us and our common friends know only one side of the story, which is not true as I only blamed me for everything. I don't know if I'm ready to have a chat, it's all still very painful for me. You ignored me for weeks, I don't know why you want to have a chat now. I hope you are happy with your new flat and you're doing very well at your uni." He replied: " It's ok if you don't wanna chat now, "i understand" but bear in mind i would, so whenever you want to, let me know. I "ignored you" because i felt like i had to. I never said you were nasty with me i just don't want it to happen that's all. I'm not blaming you for everything, our song is a four-hands." What do I do now? You Go No Contact, and stay No Contact. The remedial chat is completely totally purely and simply for his own benefit and gratification. He says so himself. Arrange for someone to let him in on Saturday. Don't be there. Keep your composure, your dignity and do things when you want to, on your terms. 2
lovelifexx Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Oh ok. I missed the part where you asked him to meet you many times. Maybe just be honest with your conflicting feelings? Explain why it is difficult for you to decide if you want to hear him out, that you tried so many times to talk to him, that you are still really hurt, that you are afraid that what he has to say will hurt you more, etc etc so that he can really understand how significant this is to you. Ask him why he wants to talk to you, i.e. how will it make him feel? Then tell him you will think about it, whether or not you want to listen to what he has to say.
Author Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 You Go No Contact, and stay No Contact. The remedial chat is completely totally purely and simply for his own benefit and gratification. He says so himself. Arrange for someone to let him in on Saturday. Don't be there. Keep your composure, your dignity and do things when you want to, on your terms. I was hoping you were going to reply on this dear Tara I won't be here Saturday for sure... I hurt myself too much so far, he is so selfish he now feels he wants to share this with me...Thank you, I'll do my best with NC 1
Author Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Oh ok. I missed the part where you asked him to meet you many times. Maybe just be honest with your conflicting feelings? Explain why it is difficult for you to decide if you want to hear him out, that you tried so many times to talk to him, that you are still really hurt, that you are afraid that what he has to say will hurt you more, etc etc so that he can really understand how significant this is to you. Ask him why he wants to talk to you, i.e. how will it make him feel? Then tell him you will think about it, whether or not you want to listen to what he has to say. Thank you so much for your reply. It's true I got rejected from him too many times. I feel even explaining all these will hurt me more...I still have feelings of love for him, he has been so unfair...I'll stick to NC and let you know what happens. It seems he only wants to stop the pain for him, not for me...very hurtful
cdt76 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I was initially up in the air about you hearing him out. But after you said how you feel, I think it best to leave him with his guilt. You don't need to hear it because it is not what you want to hear! Don't be there. Don't talk to him. Don't be his "Friend". He wants to end things so he can live with himself and know you are ok with his leaving. 1
destroyed4sho Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 He wants to explain why he broke up with you, so you can clearly understand it wasn't any of his fault...lol...that is was both your faults or the relationship itself. He wants to feel good about himself and "clear" things up with you and most importantly, his own conscience. " I feel i have the need to share those things with you... though i would understand if you are annoyed by me and if you don't want to hear any of it."... This is all about him and he even implies it. You will lose your time and it may spin you back in time. I wouldn't even see him if I were you. You have nothing to gain from this. 1
Author Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 He wants to explain why he broke up with you, so you can clearly understand it wasn't any of his fault...lol...that is was both your faults or the relationship itself. He wants to feel good about himself and "clear" things up with you and most importantly, his own conscience. " I feel i have the need to share those things with you... though i would understand if you are annoyed by me and if you don't want to hear any of it."... This is all about him and he even implies it. You will lose your time and it may spin you back in time. I wouldn't even see him if I were you. You have nothing to gain from this. Guys, he is going crazy I think! He was just saying to me he is giving me the offer to talk!!! So I can see the way he thinks of it all now!!!! And I said to him "I would really like to see what you feel, not think. but your offer is too late so I suggest again to treat this in the way you feel your instincts so far were truthful to yourself, you have done already what you felt and I respect it " and then this is his answer it's insaaaaaane!!! "I know, it's just that the truth behind the why was hidden behind a pile of stupid rubbish that i had to clear up before i could finally get to the real answer and way i'm looking at how things worked and happened between you and me has change, and i would feel more peaceful sharing this with you. But then it's a "selfish" thing that i don't wanna impose on you." IS HE JOKING??? lol
Author Nuna Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I was initially up in the air about you hearing him out. But after you said how you feel, I think it best to leave him with his guilt. You don't need to hear it because it is not what you want to hear! Don't be there. Don't talk to him. Don't be his "Friend". He wants to end things so he can live with himself and know you are ok with his leaving. Certainly not going to be his friend, god! Especially after he said to me afterwards! You need to read seriously...It really made me laugh!!!
destroyed4sho Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I do not envy your position right now, but my time will come too. I think that he is a selfish pitiful human being. He wants to resurrect a painful time in your life so that he can clear his conscience. I do not know exactly what he will say, but I ASSURE you it will be LAME, LAME and LAME. I would be curious too, but I think that whatever he says will resonate within you for months. Is it worth it? The best thing for you to do is NC or a simple "No Thank You", so he will feel STUPID for reaching out. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Nuna, everything is from his point of view: It's justification, validation, insistence and self-importance. Delusions of grandeur. TbH, (sorry to sound harsh) but really, you're encouraging this crap by continuing to engage with him. Why are you even conversing with him, fer krissakes - ?!? Do not respond, do not react, do not reply, do not give him the satisfaction of knowing that at least he has got you to enter into dialogue!! That should never have developed!! Let him wallow in his own self-delusion. Give him no indication, from this second on, that you even really give a schytt any more! Go NC!!! 1
creighton0123 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Nuna, Are these exchanges between the two of you helping you heal? They appear to be making you more angry. I know contact like that with my ex would make me frustrated and angry. I would suggest that if you have an inkling to talk about why your relationship ended, do so not with your ex, but with one of your non-mutual friends. 1
Author Nuna Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Nuna, everything is from his point of view: It's justification, validation, insistence and self-importance. Delusions of grandeur. TbH, (sorry to sound harsh) but really, you're encouraging this crap by continuing to engage with him. Why are you even conversing with him, fer krissakes - ?!? Do not respond, do not react, do not reply, do not give him the satisfaction of knowing that at least he has got you to enter into dialogue!! That should never have developed!! Let him wallow in his own self-delusion. Give him no indication, from this second on, that you even really give a schytt any more! Go NC!!! I know, I just wanted to see what else he will say! Erased the conversation and going on NC promise! I don't think he wants to tell me he loves me and now he knows the truth of why he left or he wants to work things out. He would have said it more clearly right? God....
Author Nuna Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Nuna, Are these exchanges between the two of you helping you heal? They appear to be making you more angry. I know contact like that with my ex would make me frustrated and angry. I would suggest that if you have an inkling to talk about why your relationship ended, do so not with your ex, but with one of your non-mutual friends. Thank you for you answer, I appreciate it Thing is , I don't know why he wants to tell me AGAIN why we broke up! He already told me, he doesn't love me anymore, he thinks we were never a team, he doesn't like my character (my friends got so angry when he said this!) . That is after 2 years of being together, living together and doing a lot of great things together... Why should I want to hear this again? I really don't understand him! I wonder what the real reason is!! Maybe it's the X-FILES or something!!!!! Or he is an alien!! Edited February 14, 2013 by Nuna 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 No Contact gives you the upper hand. You regain control, and bit by bit 'claw back your power' (I hate to use psycho-babble, but it gets the point across). He's obviously used to having the upper hand, so reiterating his reasoning, is an attempt to put himself back in the driving seat of the break-up. He 'controlled' the end of the relationship by describing the flaws and faults - in you - which made him step away. By going NC, you showed him that actually, you were fine with it and frankly, he could go f-.-uck himself. Naturally, that put him on the lower step... He's just trying to 'step back up'. You need to show him in no uncertain terms that you totally give a f-.-uck about what HE wants. The whole deal is on your terms now. Suck it up, loser...... 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Thing is , I don't know why he wants to tell me AGAIN why we broke up! He already told me, he doesn't love me anymore, he thinks we were never a team, he doesn't like my character (my friends got so angry when he said this!) . That is after 2 years of being together, living together and doing a lot of great things together... Why should I want to hear this again? No Contact gives you the upper hand. You regain control, and bit by bit 'claw back your power' (I hate to use psycho-babble, but it gets the point across). He's obviously used to having the upper hand, so reiterating his reasoning, is an attempt to put himself back in the driving seat of the break-up. He 'controlled' the end of the relationship by describing the flaws and faults - in you - which made him step away. By going NC, you showed him that actually, you were fine with it and frankly, he could go f-.-uck himself. Naturally, that put him on the lower step... He's just trying to 'step back up'. You need to show him in no uncertain terms that you totally give a f-.-uck about what HE wants. The whole deal is on your terms now. Suck it up, loser...... Edited February 14, 2013 by TaraMaiden sorry about double post..... 1
destroyed4sho Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Do not respond, do not react, do not reply, do not give him the satisfaction of knowing that at least he has got you to enter into dialogue!! That should never have developed!! Let him wallow in his own self-delusion. Give him no indication, from this second on, that you even really give a schytt any more! Go NC!!! That is a good point. Now, he already has you in a dialogue so his mission to clear his conscience is already half completed. Why? Because now he already knows you know that he has a very good reason why he broke up with you . He hasn't told you the reason yet but he has communicated to you that there is this supernatural reason he is not with you, that was not really his fault. If he says he loves you still, so what?? He obviously has no intention on getting back with you. My gf told me she still loves me when she broke up with me..lol...where did that get me? Not even a text or a phone call on how I was doing. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET BACK WITH YOU. If he did his email would of read another way....he would of alluded to regretting the break up, working things out and hope of some type of development in the future between the two of you. 1
Author Nuna Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 No Contact gives you the upper hand. You regain control, and bit by bit 'claw back your power' (I hate to use psycho-babble, but it gets the point across). He's obviously used to having the upper hand, so reiterating his reasoning, is an attempt to put himself back in the driving seat of the break-up. He 'controlled' the end of the relationship by describing the flaws and faults - in you - which made him step away. By going NC, you showed him that actually, you were fine with it and frankly, he could go f-.-uck himself. Naturally, that put him on the lower step... He's just trying to 'step back up'. You need to show him in no uncertain terms that you totally give a f-.-uck about what HE wants. The whole deal is on your terms now. Suck it up, loser...... I'll make a poster of this post on my wall to read it daily dear Tara
Author Nuna Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 That is a good point. Now, he already has you in a dialogue so his mission to clear his conscience is already half completed. Why? Because now he already knows you know that he has a very good reason why he broke up with you . He hasn't told you the reason yet but he has communicated to you that there is this supernatural reason he is not with you, that was not really his fault. If he says he loves you still, so what?? He obviously has no intention on getting back with you. My gf told me she still loves me when she broke up with me..lol...where did that get me? Not even a text or a phone call on how I was doing. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET BACK WITH YOU. If he did his email would of read another way....he would of alluded to regretting the break up, working things out and hope of some type of development in the future between the two of you. Well actually he already said to me the reasons of our break up were 1: he doesn't love me anymore, 2: he doesn't like my character 3: we were never a team! That's why I'm like, what the heck is that other thing he just found out he has to finally share with me that he realised it was under a pile of rubbish, but now the real reason is finally in his mind!!! aaaaaargh
destroyed4sho Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Well actually he already said to me the reasons of our break up were 1: he doesn't love me anymore, 2: he doesn't like my character 3: we were never a team! That's why I'm like, what the heck is that other thing he just found out he has to finally share with me that he realised it was under a pile of rubbish, but now the real reason is finally in his mind!!! aaaaaargh I meant the NEW SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL MAGNIFICENT GODLY REAL reason he broke up with you that he wants to talk to you about. I don't know this guy, but he is VERY VERY VERY selfish and inconsiderate to contact you again! I think you dodged a bullet. 2
Author Nuna Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I meant the NEW SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL MAGNIFICENT GODLY REAL reason he broke up with you that he wants to talk to you about. I don't know this guy, but he is VERY VERY VERY selfish and inconsiderate to contact you again! I think you dodged a bullet. NEW SPECIAL SUPERNATURAL MAGNIFICENT GODLY REAL REASON LOL brilliant, thank you! You really made me feel so much better, all of you! I'm glad if I did dodged a bullet, but he is so selfish anyway that he won't even notice xxx
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