Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Your problem arises (at least with this one) because you are so passive that the woman -- who initially was interested in you -- gets bored and fed up and moves on. And then you miraculously decide to do some pursuing. Try working on that, because you aren't going to convince this woman who has already moved on that she should give you another shot. Do women have an on/off switch with attraction? It's an honest question. I don't understand how someone can show so much interest early on and then have it evaporate seemingly overnight. It definitely wasn't my imagination. She was very into me at the start. That's why the contrast between then and now is so depressingly jarring. If she wanted me to pursue her back in November (we met at the very end of October), why does waiting until December kill my chances? Are women really like that? It's "go for me this second or lose me forever?"
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Trust me man. By being so desperate you have completely exhausted any and all hope. Give up. Lick your wounds and move on. It appears as though the opposite holds true and I wasn't desperate enough with her. I know I come across as desperate here, and in truth, I am, but I've been very careful not to present myself that way to her. Maybe she senses it anyway, especially now that the contact has been so one-directional, but again, it's not as though I contact her multiple times a day, every day, or even every other day. I also post Facebook statuses and pictures of my own from trips I go on (I travel frequently for work) and various social functions I attend. She actually thinks I have more of a life than I really do. She told me a couple weeks ago, "My friend says she keeps seeing you at all the parties," and a few days ago, in her exact words: "I am happy to see you hanging out in many cool places and enjoying it and having fun. Hope it'll go like this for you." That second quote sounds a little ominous to me, almost like a goodbye. Maybe I'm overreading it.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Four dates in four months, an awkward, stilted peck on the lips to which she didn't respond, and a refusal to date you or respond to your most recent texts. Fine! She's besotted with love for you! Please understand that the level of desperation you display when you act like this is a complete and utter turn-off. You may not care that you don't have a shred of dignity left, but the women involved will end up feeling contempt for you given your lack of self-respect, and anger that you repeatedly put them in uncomfortable situations that force them to continually reject you. Their feelings matter too. It's not just about your desire to "beat them down" into accepting another date with you. Social interaction is about both people involved. Stick a fork in it. You are done with this one! ...Just as you were with the woman before her. Don't show up at people's workplaces begging them to give you another chance and pestering them about whether they are seeing one of the countless other male sycophants orbiting around them. It won't get you a date...or a relationship. Don't text someone who has turned you down asking if another man is involved. Stop clinging to what happened months earlier with these women. Please try to learn from you experiences rather than stubbornly beating your head against a wall of lost interest and indifference each time. It's painful all around.
clia Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Do women have an on/off switch with attraction? It's an honest question. I don't understand how someone can show so much interest early on and then have it evaporate seemingly overnight. It definitely wasn't my imagination. She was very into me at the start. That's why the contrast between then and now is so depressingly jarring. If she wanted me to pursue her back in November (we met at the very end of October), why does waiting until December kill my chances? Are women really like that? It's "go for me this second or lose me forever?" Her interest didn't evaporate overnight, though. You waited a month to show any interest in her, letting weeks go by without contact. A month is forever in terms of early dating. In a month, you could've gone on 4-8 (assuming once or twice a week) dates with her. In a month, you could've ended up sleeping together. Instead, nothing happened. You went on one (? I can't remember) date. She approached you, she contacted you...and you showed no signs of interest. You killed the momentum. Momentum is very important when you first meet someone. Momentum is what turns a stranger into a boyfriend or girlfriend. You lose momentum, they forget about you. They move on to other things. It might be fine to be passive for an entire month if you have no other competition, but from what you posted, this woman talks to a lot of men. She probably approaches a lot of men, too. So...some other guys who wanted to ask her out probably jumped ahead of you, and she lost interest. (I'm obviously speculating...) Also, she does have the right to change her mind. She may have been interested in you in October, and lost that interest. A lot of relationships crash and burn before they hit three months. I'm not sure why you are so baffled that her feelings for you might've changed. It happens all the time. It's called "dating."
colombiana28 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 i've dated a guy that i (drunkenly) hit on at a bar. we slept together and then in the subsequent days i realized i was WAYYYYY less attracted to him than i initially thought. oh boy was he a clinger. not only that, but he was way too passive and nice (never understood my sarcasm or playful teasing...). he wanted to become "facebook official" after a week of knowing me and i broke up with him 3 days later--my attraction had just plummeted. people with options (and it sounds like she has LOTS of options) are super flaky and tend to string many people along. i can absolutely, positively guarantee you that every time she goes "straight home" or "stays home to study" she's actually going out, having a good time, and meeting even more options. i'm ashamed to say i've lied to guys i'm hanging out with by telling them i'm "just going home" or "going out with girlfriends." she likes the attention of many guys. i get that, i totally do. sadly a lot of women (and men) string several people along when they have some interest but not high interest. you're good for when she's bored. she does not sound like she wants a relationship with you. for your own sanity, just delete her number from your phone and going on perma-ignore.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I have a lot of options with women and I only date one at a time. I would never date a multidater. I'm like you, or at least would like to be in the sense that I prefer pursuing one girl at a time. Realistically, I'm not sure I should do that anymore. It likely cost me a chance with the one I'm talking about in this thread because I was more interested in someone else when we first met. For me, attraction tends to build over time anyway. I can't know when I first see someone whether I'm going to like the person. I need to know more about her interests, her personality, her values, her philosophy, her place in life. Yet I'm noticing a definite pattern where the longer I wait to make an intimate move, the less likely I'll ever get anything beyond an awkward peck on the lips. It seems to be "bang first, get to know later." I always thought that was supposed to be the male mentality. she not saying anything says she's either trying to make you jealous or she is dating others. its a trust thing. rejection on valentines day as well. clear signs. I think she's indifferent to my feelings, otherwise she wouldn't be so rude and she'd toss me the occasional scrap. I suppose there could be elements of gamesmanship. I do find it interesting that it was at the very moment when I finally started showing interest in her that she completely dialed down her assertiveness toward me (except in person, where she's remained the same for the most part the few times I actually get to see her). Another possibility, albeit a remote one given the myriad of guys she talks about with me and seem to surround her, is that she didn't want to answer my question about whether she's seeing anyone else because if the answer is no, it might imply that I'm her only option, or alternatively that she's not as popular as she appears to be by outward appearances, either one of which she could fear would reduce my estimation of her desirability. After all, the more people chasing after someone, the more attractive (in most ways) that person tends to be. This would fit with recent statements by her about not being attached to anyone. Whoever she's spending Valentines Day with could be another guy in casual pursuit, as opposed to a boyfriend. I really have no idea. All I do know is that she's not paying much attention to me whatsoever and I feel like I'm bothering her every time I reach out, even though it's really not that often. Given her early assertiveness and interest in me, along with an admission to me that she "loves sex and alcohol too much" to be religious, I doubt timidity or playing hard to get is what holds her back now. Then again, maybe she's trying to change her ways. She used to club every weekend, now she claims to stay home more often. She used to be a party animal, now she's been watching movies with "female friends" (her unsolicited specification) instead of accepting every invitation to go out. Perhaps she's switching up her strategies, realizing that she can't continue to go on the way she has if she ever wants to settle down and have the marriage and kids she claims to want (she's 32). Or maybe this is all temporary because of her upcoming test and the departure of her friend. I realize I'm over-analyzing.
colombiana28 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 She used to club every weekend, now she claims to stay home more often. She used to be a party animal, now she's been watching movies with "female friends" (her unsolicited specification). haha. i know my kind too well. she. is. LYING.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Four dates in four months, an awkward, stilted peck on the lips to which she didn't respond, and a refusal to date you or respond to your most recent texts. Fine! She's besotted with love for you! You seem to believe that everything is black or white. I never said she's besotted with love for me. I merely questioned whether bad timing (her exam preparations, the imminent move of her best friend) might explain her overall lack of availability. Clearly I'm not that important to her or she would be contacting me more than once in a blue moon, and she'd make alternative suggestions for going out when mine clash with her schedule. Realistically, at best, I'm a distant backup plan for an outing when she's bored and all else fails. Please understand that the level of desperation you display when you act like this is a complete and utter turn-off. You may not care that you don't have a shred of dignity left, but the women involved will end up feeling contempt for you given your lack of self-respect, and anger that you repeatedly put them in uncomfortable situations that force them to continually reject you. Read my post above yours. She somehow thinks I'm Mr. Sociable with a million friends who "goes to all the parties" (I don't know where her friend got that idea from, I've only noticed her at one party). Consequently, I honestly don't think she sees me as desperate in the sense of not having any other options. Obviously on here I come across that way because I'm spilling out my emotions and trying to craft a strategy. That's the purpose of these forums. Don't show up at people's workplaces begging them to give you another chance and pestering them about whether they are seeing one of the countless other male sycophants orbiting around them. It won't get you a date...or a relationship. I have not, and will not, show up at her workplace. In the case of the other woman, my strategy actually worked. She explicitly forgave me and we're talking again. I don't think it'll ever get beyond the occasional civil discussion I initiate, but I'm okay with that, I've lost romantic interest in her anyway. The time apart, as miserable as I was, allowed me to more properly reflect and turn me off of her plethora of personality flaws and significant baggage. Don't text someone who has turned you down asking if another man is involved. According to just about everyone else on here, it's a perfectly reasonable question - one she does not have to answer, but still acceptable to ask. Stop clinging to what happened months earlier with these women. Please try to learn from you experiences rather than stubbornly beating your head against a wall of lost interest and indifference each time. It's painful all around. What was can never be again? People never reconnect after the passage of time and compounding factors? Attractions never get rekindled?
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