Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 When is it appropriate and/or inappropriate to ask someone whether he or she is seeing other people? I've been asked this question before I even go out with someone on a first date and it's never really bothered me. I take it as a reassuring compliment in the sense that it conveys significant interest. Someone doesn't ask that question unless she's concerned about potential competition and/or wasting time on pursuing someone who isn't truly available. Yet when I politely asked (not demanded) a girl I've gone out with on four dates this same question after she turned me down for Valentines Day dinner (saying she appreciates my thoughtful gentlemanly offer but has other plans that night), she seemed to get upset, texting me back, "Let's not talk about this." In fact, she hasn't talked to me at all since that question, and ignored me when I subsequently said, "That's fine, I respect your privacy" and asked whether I angered or offended her. Was I really that out of line, or is she being rude and overly sensitive? The reason I asked was to figure out whether the "other plans" were benign or of a romantic nature. I don't want to chase after someone who is taken, or who has me much lower on the pecking order of prospects. I don't know why she won't answer me, and I've resisted the urge to contact her again too soon after this episode because I don't want to look clingy, desperate, and out of options. I actually do have other options, just not ones that I prefer to her at the moment. Her secrecy really bothers me. When we've been together in person, she's asked me all kinds of invasive questions about my romantic past, about how much money I make, even my sex life, and yet I'm not apparently allowed to ask something as simple as whether she's seeing anyone? She'd often receive text messages during our outings and then abruptly decide to go home (or so she claimed). Not once did I ask who texted her. I feel I've been pretty good overall about not crossing any privacy boundaries, but as a neophyte on the dating scene, maybe I'm wrong, and asking whether someone is seeing other people shouldn't be broached until you're ready to have the talk about exclusivity. How should I proceed from here? Just lay low for awhile? Test her anger by confidently contacting her in a few days about something completely random, as though I never asked that question, and as though she never blew me off?
Treasa Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's not wrong of you to ask. It's not wrong of her to not want to tell you. It's not wrong of you to not be happy with this answer and move on to another woman who will answer that question.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's not wrong to ask and her response "let's not talk about this" does sound a bit moody. Since she turned you down for V-day you should find someone who is more into you.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the replies, Treasa and TouchedByViolet. Do you think it would be okay if I contact her in a few days about something totally different, making no mention of my prior question or her going completely silent on me, to gauge her level of friendliness (or surliness)? I know she doesn't want to answer that question, which is fine, but what I don't know for sure is whether it angered her and she'll hold this as a grudge against me. All I have to go on is the "Let's not talk about this" text and her failure to answer my question about whether I offended her. I'm definitely learning from this experience to talk to future girls over the phone. It's a much better way to interpret tone and emotion. In this particular case, she was the one who pursued me first, and did so exclusively via text message, so that's been our established means of communication. If I start calling her on the phone now, she'll likely interpret that as desperation because that's never been a part of our pattern. Edited February 13, 2013 by Jefezen
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's not wrong of you to ask, at all. This: "Let's not talk about this." means, "Yes, I am in a relationship with someone else."
Keenly Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 r getting text messages followed by an abrupt departure is also a huge red flag. It's her boyfriend asking her to come over. Honestly in the beginning you both should be eager to fins an excuse to make your dates just a little bit longer.... not shorter.
clia Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Nothing has changed since your last thread. This woman is not interested in you. You've taken her out on four dates in the past four months, and from the timing of your last thread it appears you haven't been out with her in at least 3-4 weeks. In other words, you are not dating her. Yet when I politely asked (not demanded) a girl I've gone out with on four dates this same question after she turned me down for Valentines Day dinner (saying she appreciates my thoughtful gentlemanly offer but has other plans that night), she seemed to get upset, texting me back, "Let's not talk about this." In fact, she hasn't talked to me at all since that question, and ignored me when I subsequently said, "That's fine, I respect your privacy" and asked whether I angered or offended her. It's none of your business who she's dating, what she is doing on Valentine's Day, and she wants you to leave her alone. You snoozed, and you lost. She may have initially been interested in you, but you allowed weeks to go by without contact, and without asking her out on dates, so she moved on. You should, too. Next time move a little faster. Do you think it would be okay if I contact her in a few days about something totally different, making no mention of my prior question or her going completely silent on me, to gauge her level of friendliness (or surliness)? I think you need to leave her alone and move on. To answer your question, though, it's perfectly fine to ask someone if they are seeing others, and there is no timeline for doing it. Like Treasa said, though, they don't have to tell you.
ChessPieceFace Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 When I politely asked (not demanded) a girl I've gone out with on four dates this same question after she turned me down for Valentines Day dinner (saying she appreciates my thoughtful gentlemanly offer but has other plans that night), she seemed to get upset, texting me back, "Let's not talk about this." In fact, she hasn't talked to me at all since that question, and ignored me when I subsequently said, "That's fine, I respect your privacy" and asked whether I angered or offended her. Was I really that out of line, or is she being rude and overly sensitive? You're right that there is someone above you in the "pecking order" (who knows, maybe multiple people.) Maybe she's married and fooling around with people, even. Her response WAS rude, and I'd say "insensitive" (to you) as well as "overly sensitive" (about herself.) I'd just NC and move on. If she contacts you and apologizes or shows genuine interest in continuing anything, that's your call. At this point it seems like she doesn't respect you at all, and nothing good can come of that.
Treasa Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I think you should move on. The thing I love most about my current relationship is the utter lack of drama or mind games.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Tara, while I agree that there is probably at least one other guy pursuing her (whoever she's spending Valentines Day with), I suppose there's a slight chance that the "other plans" could be a singles party she really wants to go to (I'm going to one now that she turned me down), or something involving several friends. Another possibility is that she doesn't want to be with me and conjured up a generic excuse (she's been rejecting me about 50% of the time the last month, usually claiming to be busy studying for a major job-related exam she takes in March). I realize that the likelihood is high of there being one or more other guys, but the reason I'm not completely certain is because just a few days prior to my asking her out, she recently claimed to have no attachments to anyone in this country. We had been talking about one of her female friends returning to their homeland at the end of March because of an expired visa, and how difficult that will be on her friend's boyfriend. I asked her if she herself sometimes contemplates returning to her homeland too. That's when she answered that she has more flexibility than her friend because she's a U.S citizen and has no personal attachments to anyone. So unless she suddenly got into a serious relationship within the last three days, I don't think there's a secret boyfriend. It could be as simple as there being other guys on her radar, and her not wanting me to know about it for whatever reason. Whenever we've gone out, she's mentioned her various male friends ad nauseum. She seems to literally have hundreds of them. She receives text messages every couple minutes from somebody, and always seems to have a party to attend.
candie13 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Thanks for the replies, Treasa and TouchedByViolet. Do you think it would be okay if I contact her in a few days about something totally different, making no mention of my prior question or her going completely silent on me, to gauge her level of friendliness (or surliness)? I know she doesn't want to answer that question, which is fine, but what I don't know for sure is whether it angered her and she'll hold this as a grudge against me. All I have to go on is the "Let's not talk about this" text and her failure to answer my question about whether I offended her. . I think you should not call or text for at least another week. Let her stir a little bit. While I believe it's not cool from her to ask so many questions, you have the right to not respond to them, if you find them invasive, or to ask her back the same questions - seems fair. Her unavailability for St.V can be caused by a number of things, none of which you know or have any control over. If she cared for you, she wouldn't have given you such an abrupt answer - my 2 cents, anyway. If you really really really like her, ask her out one more time, next week. See how that goes - but be very realistic. If you're not that much into this girl, I say dump her right now. Either was, I'd start seeing other people as of today.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 It's none of your business who she's dating, what she is doing on Valentine's Day To clarify, I never asked her who she's dating, or what she's doing on Valentines Day. I only asked whether she's been seeing anyone, and I literally included with that question an "of course you don't have to answer this" qualifier. I was very soft about it and this is the first time I ever asked her anything remotely personal. As much as the abrupt departures following text messages bothered me, I never asked who texted her either. I've been pretty good overall about avoiding invasive questions. This was my first foray into it because I want to know for sure if she's brushing me off due to time constraints (her studying for this big career-related test in March, plus her closest friend moving at the end of March) or an utter lack of interest. I agree it's 95% likely the latter, but by her own admission, she's "terrible at relationships" and never seems to last with anybody for long. It's conceivable, again low likelihood, that therefore she's not even cognizant of the negative signals she's sending.
ScienceGal Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 There is nothing wrong with asking, providing that you're wanting to find out if they employ the same dating dynamic that you do (multi dater or non-multi dater). If you're asking to be nosy or manipulative, that's not fair. I knew someone who would tell women he didn't multi date, just so he could get them to focus on only him. But, he was a total dog!! For me, I might give it until date 2 to ask. I don't multi-date because when i'm interested in someone, I don't pay anyone else mind. I'm not sure if my thoughts on this will change when I start dating again, since I'm 31 now and really want to meet a good match and settle down. (Might need to make an effort to meet more men). But, I am looking for exclusivity, so multi-dating on my part or the guys, would be short-lived. Know what you want, what you want to give, and how to ask for it, nothing wrong with that!
carhill Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Tip: Next time, pose the question in person. Not wrong to ask; not wrong to accept the answer.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I think you should not call or text for at least another week. Let her stir a little bit. Sadly from my perspective, I doubt waiting a week, two weeks, a month will cause any kind of stir at all. She's only initiated contact with me once in the last 2-3 months. I'm always the one who reaches out to her, it takes her 1-4 hours to finally reply, and the conversations are brief. Sometimes she accepts an invitation to go out, other times she declines. That's been about 50/50. In person, we've always gotten along pretty well, though. It's just hard to build any sort of romantic momentum when you're only seeing someone once every 3-4 weeks, and texting for a few minutes every 3-10 days. As I've mentioned before, she's preparing for a financial analyst exam that will make or break her career, and she's also about to lose her best friend to another continent. Both the test and her friend's departure occur some time in March. If after March she continues to blow me off, then at least I'd know with even greater certainty that it's me she doesn't want, and not merely an issue of job and exam-related stress and limited time. Her unavailability for St.V can be caused by a number of things, none of which you know or have any control over. If she cared for you, she wouldn't have given you such an abrupt answer - my 2 cents, anyway. I agree and I'm definitely getting a bad vibe out of her for quite some time now. It's just that I think there exists a small chance that she doesn't realize how rudely she comes across. I've seen how many text messages she receives. It's an unbelievably high volume. Maybe she's short with everyone, I don't know. I do know it wasn't like that at the beginning when we first met and she was pursuing me. She'd be the one to make the conversation last, although that was back in October before she got serious about studying for this test and before she knew that her best friend would be leaving. If you really really really like her, ask her out one more time, next week. See how that goes - but be very realistic. If you're not that much into this girl, I say dump her right now. Do I try talking to her normally first, without any invitation, and then ask her out the second time I contact her? Otherwise I might come across as overly eager if practically every time I contact her it's to ask her out to something. I'd start seeing other people as of today. I started seeing other people as of last night! I'm not too keen on the new one, though. She's more into me than I'm into her.
sweetkiwi Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 She doesn't sound too into you. I would move on if a guy behaved that way.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 She has declined to date you. From your other threads, while she did initially have some interest in you, that was four months ago!! You kept struggling to date someone who wasn't interested and now has outright declined for a month! Why is completely irrelevant. I would stop pestering her. In your previous threads you repeatedly claim that you don't care if you have no dignity left by the end of the process. Dating isn't just about you and what you want. There is another person involved. Her views matter too. Unfortunately, behavior like yours is why some women become so hurtful and brutal in their rejections. You are why other guys suffer! Please learn to respect the other person's wishes, feelings, and boundaries. Your attention is unwanted. That's why she refuses to date you and is now ignoring your texts about whether you have offended her. At this point, you have killed all hope of a relationship with her. Please move on. 1
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 She doesn't sound too into you. I would move on if a guy behaved that way. Deep down, I know that. I'm clinging because I'm one of the many guys on here who has been socially inept for most of his life. I had one relationship in high school, it didn't work out, and I haven't been involved with anyone else since that time. I'm now 30 years old and just starting out on the dating circuit. Consequently, given my inexperience, I tend to latch onto any reasonably attractive woman similarly situated in life and career who displays an interest in me. This woman approached me, not the other way around. She first asked me out. She first flirted with me, and I was the passive one at that point. Granted, the roles have reversed bigtime since that first month, but it's because of that initial assertiveness on her part, coupled with my fear of not being able to get this far with anyone else, that makes me want to exhaust the remote possibility of something developing. I don't know that I can get 4+ outings with a comparable or better woman, so I feel too invested to casually toss her out even though I know it's not going well and presently meeting my expectations. The good news is that I do seem to be enjoying success with respect to attracting women into approaching me and even asking me out. Getting phone numbers and first dates hasn't been a problem. Turning it into something more than a pen pal and outing buddy has been the problem.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 As I've mentioned before, she's preparing for a financial analyst exam that will make or break her career, and she's also about to lose her best friend to another continent. Would be a plausible rationale if she curtailed her busy social life. Unfortunately, her updates on Facebook reveal no diminution you said.
sweetkiwi Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Trust me man. By being so desperate you have completely exhausted any and all hope. Give up. Lick your wounds and move on. I think you need to get some of those social skills pronto. And realize this chick is probably banging other people after you buy her dinner. Thats sad for you. She owns your balls. Take them back.
clia Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 This woman approached me, not the other way around. She first asked me out. She first flirted with me, and I was the passive one at that point. Granted, the roles have reversed bigtime since that first month, but it's because of that initial assertiveness on her part, coupled with my fear of not being able to get this far with anyone else, that makes me want to exhaust the remote possibility of something developing. You need to stop reverting to this "she approached me" nonsense. Who cares what happened four months ago? That doesn't matter at all for what is happening right now. She doesn't feel how she felt four months ago. It's great that you have no problem with women approaching you or getting first dates. Your problem arises (at least with this one) because you are so passive that the woman -- who initially was interested in you -- gets bored and fed up and moves on. And then you miraculously decide to do some pursuing. Try working on that, because you aren't going to convince this woman who has already moved on that she should give you another shot. This is a great learning experience for you. I don't know that I can get 4+ outings with a comparable or better woman, so I feel too invested to casually toss her out even though I know it's not going well and presently meeting my expectations. Okay, as long as you realize she is not invested in you at all. Keep clinging and wasting your time. Four dates in four months is nothing. It certainly isn't a relationship. So, what are you really clinging to? She's not the last woman on Earth, you know. The good news is that I do seem to be enjoying success with respect to attracting women into approaching me and even asking me out. Getting phone numbers and first dates hasn't been a problem. Turning it into something more than a pen pal and outing buddy has been the problem. Stop being so passive.
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 You kept struggling to date someone who wasn't interested and now has outright declined for a month! She hasn't outright declined for a month. She's inconsistent. It's yes/no/yes/no/yes/no. The few times we are together in person, she seems to be happy and enjoying herself. I know she's not lying about this big test next month. She told me about that back when she was at the apex of her interest in me. Now her best friend is moving to another country soon too, and she understandably might want to spend as much of her limited free time with her as possible. Just three days before I asked her out to Valentines Dinner she told me herself about her lack of attachments to anyone in this country. I didn't fish for that information. She volunteered it while discussing something else. I interpreted that to mean she's available. But then she has other plans for Valentines Day and didn't want to answer my question about whether she's seeing anyone, so who knows. Why is completely irrelevant. The "why" is very relevant if it can be explained by a busy work and exam preparation schedule, further complicated by the imminent departure of her best friend. I concede this is wishful thinking on my part, but it's a remote possibility. Like I said before, she's admitted to being terrible at relationships, which implies an ineptitude on her part as well. Maybe she's behaved this way with many other guys as well, ultimately chasing them away, which would help explain how someone with so many friends and male orbiters never ends up in a lasting relationship. I would stop pestering her. It's not like I text her every day. Sometimes it was only once every other week. Then I increased the frequency to once a week. Then I tried once every three days. That's the most frequent it's ever been, and this was the first time I ever questioned her about anything remotely personal. I also never send more than two consecutive unanswered text messages. I don't call her, I don't instant message her on Facebook, I give her plenty of space.
sweetkiwi Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Dude. She doesn't like you. What else is there to figure out. You're on LS writing post after post about her and she doesn't even care to make you a priority after 4 months. At 4 months along she should be contacting YOU more. She doesn't like you. Watch the movie "He's just not that into you" and replace "he" with "she".
Author Jefezen Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Would be a plausible rationale if she curtailed her busy social life. Unfortunately, her updates on Facebook reveal no diminution you said. She appears to have curtailed it somewhat. When I last saw her in person she told me something along the lines of, "You seem to have this perception of me as someone who always goes out clubbing every Friday and Saturday night. I've been home alone studying." When I invited her to a party a couple weekends ago, and she declined, she claimed it was because she wanted to study and keep her Saturday night open for "old friends" and this close friend of her's who is moving soon. I do notice that she logs into Facebook from her phone practically every half hour to click "like" on various people's statuses or pictures. She does that from work too. But you can do that from anywhere, and it may take up less time than devoting an entire evening to someone. On the other hand, she still adds lots of new male friends on Facebook and she must be meeting them somewhere, which implies she does still go out. Also, the one time in the last 2-3 months when she initiated a text message was to tell me that she saw a mutual friend at a house party she attended. That happened two days after she agreed to go out to dinner with me at a time and place of her choosing. The weird thing is that even though she didn't answer my question about whether she's seeing anyone else, she often tells me (without my prompting whatsoever) that she's "home alone," or went "straight home" after work. I used to think she was saying this as some kind of reassurance or encouragement. Then three days before I asked her out to Valentines Day she said she's not attached to anyone. I guess I read too much into those statements.
rocketman122 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 if a woman was secretive about that info, it would bother me. truthfully it would be the last time we date. I have a lot of options with women and I only date one at a time. I would never date a multidater. if you are like this as well then so should she. she not saying anything says she's either trying to make you jealous or she is dating others. its a trust thing. rejection on valentines day as well. clear signs. I tell them openly and right away. its about integrity & morals. when it comes to dating im as straight as they come. I dont play & have zero (BIG 0) tolerance for BS games. I would suggest you ask her once more in a serious conversation and if its the same crap then I would suggest you move on. bottom line though-she's playing you.
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