Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Come on, Tenacity, isn't ridiculous that you even asking ths kind question now? Mount, for some reason you seem to miss the point in most of my posts. Sorry if I was not clear. I do know I used the word 'question' in my first post, so apparently that confused you. But I did not post this thread to seek help for avoiding an A. I have NO trouble avoiding an A, I have NO intention of going ANYWHERE near an A, and that was not my point. My point really was just to vent, and I was sad that things went in the direction that they did. Last, I am not suprised at all seeing women here , including OWs and Betrayed wives here having issues about breast cancer, Ovian Caner, uterus tumor..etc. I said before, emotion exhaustation, emotion up and down, depression will cause the illness often for those women. Look around you, Mount. Lots of people not involved in affairs get cancer. Stress does not cause cancer. To make a direct statement that "emotional ups and downs will cause the illness for those women" is just ludicrous. Sorry.
skylarblue Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 First, I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but happy about the projected outcome. Best of wishes to you. Although I wasn't doubtful of his initial intentions, I am skeptical that he hadn't entertained the idea of a further R. I find it kind of odd that he is supposed to be offering you support yet is discussing his M problems. And to say he wish you could've met under different circumstances doesn't only suggest an interest in you (and the "problems but love my W and kids" on top of it didn't help), but even if an innocent statement, is highly inappropriate as it relates to his W and M and you as in maintaining a supportive, platonic friendship. This guy is showing poor boundaries "judgement" (whether purposefully or not). And several weeks doesn't sound very long for him to be "sliding" down this unforeseen slope. IDK, maybe he is attracted to you and your lengthening and more personal (at least on his part) conversations have given him the wrong idea. Or maybe he was drawn to or felt a connection with you because you two were relating so amicably and personally, and he is feeling disconnected with his W. As I said, either way his boundaries were poor. How did you respond when he'd discuss his marital issues? Do you think he made a mistake or he was fishing? Are you uncomfortable with speaking to him now even if it was unintentional?
veryhappy Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that. It's one of every woman's nightmares and fears. As far as this man goes, look at it this way. You have developed skills to see these situations for what they are really early on. I doubt he was deliberate in his actions. Being there for a woman going through treatments while the marriage is not perfect can be an easy way to some rescue fantasy he might be playing in his head. I think it's good that you stopped things, and maybe give him an explanation if he wants one. It's not about him, it's about the situation. You are vulnerable too and shouldn't stress about how to handle him. Best health wishes.
Journee Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I want to offer as much support as possible from across cyberspace. I will pray for your continual progress and ultimate victory. I am so glad that it was caught so early! I hope that you are able to take it easy and rest during this time when you need to. I also hope you know there are many people across the globe reading and posting here that want nothing more than for you to beat this soundly. Times like this are indicative that we are all people with lives that matter and impact perfect strangers. If we cannot come together through times of need and pain then we are in more trouble than imagined. Despite any participation in A's. Solely through discussion or actual participation ,it does not tump the human condition. MM has crossed a line. Maybe you opened his eyes to this through your written communication about it. I hope you feel comfortable enough to update as to your health. I also want to add that a good friend of mine who is now in remission ,swears by her diet. She juices and consumes as much raw and unprocessed foods as possible. I am awaiting cervical biopsy results right now and actually just discussed my friend's diet with my mother. My friend feels that changing her diet helped her become healthy again and stay that way. Here's to your health!
Mount Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Hi Tenacity, guess i mis-read your point, and I am glad you have firmed mind that not going to that "direction" again. If you are not going to that affair direction, your emotion will be calm, peaceful, so it is helpful for your recovery or even regular health anyway. Also I was saying women under high emotion stress have more chance to have breast cancer, ovarian cancer, uterus cancer/tumor, I did not absolutely they will have it. Nowdays there has no absolution anymore. Mount, for some reason you seem to miss the point in most of my posts. Sorry if I was not clear. I do know I used the word 'question' in my first post, so apparently that confused you. But I did not post this thread to seek help for avoiding an A. I have NO trouble avoiding an A, I have NO intention of going ANYWHERE near an A, and that was not my point. My point really was just to vent, and I was sad that things went in the direction that they did. Look around you, Mount. Lots of people not involved in affairs get cancer. Stress does not cause cancer. To make a direct statement that "emotional ups and downs will cause the illness for those women" is just ludicrous. Sorry. Edited February 14, 2013 by Mount
stevie_23 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I’m sorry about your diagnosis, Tenacity. It’s so good that it was caught early and hopefully you can be strong and just get through what’s ahead and come out the other side even stronger and wiser than you already are. You have shown how strong you are by your actions regarding your married friend. I don’t think I would have done the same thing because I’m weak and selfish. You are not. This shows amazing character on your part and also selflessness concerning his wife and him as well, and great self awareness of your own self and life…because even though in a way, yes, it would be a supportive device to have him around to confide in…he has pushed the boundaries in a way and if you went further down that particular path, it would probably not be healthy for you emotionally. You know what can happen…I know what can happen…and it can be a roller coaster of guilt, anxiety, stress, and expectations…which you just don’t need right now. You DO need support, you DO need someone to confide in and to feel open and vulnerable with, but…it needs to also offer 100% stability… Good luck…
promises Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Tenacity. You sound like you have an awesome attitude with your diagnosis. I didn't have breast cancer, but when I was sick people always said, "you are so strong"... remember it's ok to not be, too. And, when you aren't lean on those 'sure things' those that love you to pieces and let them take some weight off. You'll know who they are... Take care of you. And, don't let some weasel into the fold. 2
promises Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I also want to add that a good friend of mine who is now in remission ,swears by her diet. She juices and consumes as much raw and unprocessed foods as possible. I am awaiting cervical biopsy results right now and actually just discussed my friend's diet with my mother. My friend feels that changing her diet helped her become healthy again and stay that way. Here's to your health! I started juicing and completely eliminated sugar, aside from natural means. It's not a cure, but if you do some research on both you'll see why it's helpful. Good luck. 1
seren Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I knew a few women who did the natural foods and juicing approach, also positive thinking. TBH, I hit the gin and tonic's, but I did cut processed food from my diet, also ate a lot of fish and raw veg, I still follow that diet, including the G and T's. 2
Lillyfree Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 hope you'll be ok, i've gone through a couple of cancer scares and don't know how i would deal with things if any tests came back positive. you're a strong lady, and it's good that they caught it early. all the best.
Spark1111 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 lady, after everything you've been through...what's a little breast cancer????? NOTHING!!!! BRING IT ON!!!!! you'll beat this too!!!! You do not have to lose your supportive, emotionally vulnerable friend. ask always about his wife and include her in your conversations with him...referring to her in a very positive light....AND, when he starts to bemoan his marriage, tell him EVERY TIME, to seek MC, give him the name of a good MC, and change the subject...back to that cancer you are going to kick the azz out of. he will get the hint and either continue to support you and STOP bringing up his wife or his marriage, OR he will start calling you less and good riddance. You stay strong. NOW is not the time for you to entertain or indulge usurious people. you need true supporters without hidden agendas. you will know soon enough who is with you for YOU! eep your priorities straight, boundaries in place and you will be fine! 1
stevie_23 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 You do not have to lose your supportive, emotionally vulnerable friend. ask always about his wife and include her in your conversations with him...referring to her in a very positive light....AND, when he starts to bemoan his marriage, tell him EVERY TIME, to seek MC, give him the name of a good MC, and change the subject...back to that cancer you are going to kick the azz out of. he will get the hint and either continue to support you and STOP bringing up his wife or his marriage, OR he will start calling you less and good riddance. You stay strong. NOW is not the time for you to entertain or indulge usurious people. you need true supporters without hidden agendas. you will know soon enough who is with you for YOU! EXCELLENT words!
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Hi everyone. I have been pondering this for awhile but I haven't posted it yet. It's part of the reason I came back on the boards from a few weeks off. I was diagnosed with breast cancer several weeks ago. Fortunately, it was caught very early and the prognosis is very good. I just have to get through a few weeks of chemo and radiation treatments. I started this week, it hasn't been fun, and I'm not looking forward to the next couple of months. My question is in context with my other posts here. I have a co-worker who is male, who has been a great friend to me for the past several years, but very casually. I had been in my own mess with ex-MM, and he knows ex-MM (and hates him) and we talked about it a few times, but that was it, other than his telling me he hated what ex-MM did. Since this guy found out about my diagnosis, and knowing that I am on my own without a husband or family within several states, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would be there as a support. (I know his wife, and she supported it too). He has not gone overboard about it, just calls me every other day or so, but checks in by email every day. I guess my real issue is that our phone conversation last night ended up being long (they have progressively become longer) and he has progressively shared more of his life with me throughout this - specifically, he has shared that he and his wife are having difficulties. Yet he says he loves her and his kids, and I know that to be true. Last night on the phone we talked in more depth, after he asked me to talk about how I am doing on treatment. He ended up sharing more detail about his marriage than I was comfortable with, and at the end of the conversation, he said "I wish we would have met under different circumstances" and it was clear to me what he meant. I ended the call and sent him an email and said we can no longer talk. It breaks my heart, as he is the only person who I have had to talk about my cancer. I received an email from him, asking if he could call me tomorrow night. I just hate this. I don't want to lose my only support, but I would never put someone else's marriage at risk again. I don't have a real question I guess. Just wanted to share. First off, I'm so sorry to hear this news. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Fight this and stay as positive as you can! Lots of hugs to you.. My suggestion, since you are going through this, ask someone in your family to move to be with you. A sister, a parent? A close friend? Other (women) friends that you know that live close by, neighbours too. To rely on your male coworker, lean on him is not a good idea and the fact he's shared his marital issues with you is A HUGE red flag. He's said things aren't great (or along those lines) at home so this makes him questionable. You're going to be vunerable and at your worst in the upcoming months. I helped my close friend during her cancer (she's a survivor) and i can tell you, you will get way too attached to him if you let him help you through this, and he will be the knight in shining armour to be there for you, rescue you, fix you, make you feel good. Don't open that door. Even though you say you know his wife, just don't... Please this is not a time to let a (married) man help and support you. I know you don't want to have another affair, but this could very well easily turn into one, a big emotional affair. 1
stevie_23 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 To rely on your male coworker, lean on him is not a good idea and the fact he's shared his marital issues with you is A HUGE red flag. He's said things aren't great (or along those lines) at home so this makes him questionable. You're going to be vunerable and at your worst in the upcoming months. I helped my close friend during her cancer (she's a survivor) and i can tell you, you will get way too attached to him if you let him help you through this, and he will be the knight in shining armour to be there for you, rescue you, fix you, make you feel good. Don't open that door. Even though you say you know his wife, just don't... Please this is not a time to let a (married) man help and support you. I know you don't want to have another affair, but this could very well easily turn into one, a big emotional affair. Aw dammit, I agree with these words too.
scatterd Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Tenacity I am sorry to hear about your cancer. I wish you the best.I am glad to see you came here to share your fears. You did the right thing with MM him sharing his marriage problems does send red flags. Big Hugs
Summer Breeze Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 You reset my perspective. I thought I was having a really bad week. Now I see someone in here that I enjoy and respect facing cancer. Makes my little whines seem like nothing. I can't add anything more than what's been said but I can certainly add a few more prayers. You'll beat it. I know you will. As for the 'MM'. He should be so lucky you'd even give him the time of day girl!
Author Tenacity Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Thanks everyone, for the prayers, good wishes, and support. It means more than you know. I feel very lucky in that this is very early stage. In particular, because I have not always been great about timely mammograms. (Get your mammograms, people! ) Spark, thanks for your belief that I could manage to keep this friend as a line of support as long as I keep drawing the line in the sand. I too think I could have done so. But, I think in the long run it is better and will be easier the way I did it. (I told him that, although I appreciated his friendship, I thought it would be better to keep our friendship at the level it was before, which was work-related).
stevie_23 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Whatever makes it easier on you right now - that's the best thing for you to do. You're the priority at this stage. Not to be rude to this man, but if he has feelings for you, no matter how genuine or affectionate / fond, at least some of his actions towards you will come from him trying to fulfill HIS priorities (to be with you / spend time with you / develop these feelings and further some sort of relationship with you), which may not always be a true support for you, if that makes sense. You have to support yourself first and foremost.
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