Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Hi everyone. I have been pondering this for awhile but I haven't posted it yet. It's part of the reason I came back on the boards from a few weeks off. I was diagnosed with breast cancer several weeks ago. Fortunately, it was caught very early and the prognosis is very good. I just have to get through a few weeks of chemo and radiation treatments. I started this week, it hasn't been fun, and I'm not looking forward to the next couple of months. My question is in context with my other posts here. I have a co-worker who is male, who has been a great friend to me for the past several years, but very casually. I had been in my own mess with ex-MM, and he knows ex-MM (and hates him) and we talked about it a few times, but that was it, other than his telling me he hated what ex-MM did. Since this guy found out about my diagnosis, and knowing that I am on my own without a husband or family within several states, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would be there as a support. (I know his wife, and she supported it too). He has not gone overboard about it, just calls me every other day or so, but checks in by email every day. I guess my real issue is that our phone conversation last night ended up being long (they have progressively become longer) and he has progressively shared more of his life with me throughout this - specifically, he has shared that he and his wife are having difficulties. Yet he says he loves her and his kids, and I know that to be true. Last night on the phone we talked in more depth, after he asked me to talk about how I am doing on treatment. He ended up sharing more detail about his marriage than I was comfortable with, and at the end of the conversation, he said "I wish we would have met under different circumstances" and it was clear to me what he meant. I ended the call and sent him an email and said we can no longer talk. It breaks my heart, as he is the only person who I have had to talk about my cancer. I received an email from him, asking if he could call me tomorrow night. I just hate this. I don't want to lose my only support, but I would never put someone else's marriage at risk again. I don't have a real question I guess. Just wanted to share.
Bailey14 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I am so sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis......please take good care of yourself. You need support right now and I will pledge that support to you. You do not need the support of a married man who thinks it's appropriate to complain about his unhappy marriage while you are dealing with cancer. Good grief!! 4
Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I know, and thank you. This guy is not someone I am attracted to (although I have not been attracted to anyone since ex-MM) but he is a very nice, very honest man. He does not want to cheat on his W and I don't know that he ever would. I don't want to make him out to be someone who just entered into this to have an A. That wasn't it. I honestly know that he did this in support for me - when he first called me after he found out about the diagnosis, he asked me if I had any close family support and I told him no, and he told me he would make sure I had someone (him) then. He was trying to be nice. I know he is a great guy. I am not interested in him except as a friend. He is divorced once, his first wife had an A. I just thought it best that I shut it down before it went anywhere. Please don't think that was the intent, MFH and others. I am just venting here.
ComingInHot Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Tenacity; My heart goes out to you during this time. Two things: - Do you see this man's Wife as one you could be friends with? I have met a few men who needed support and when I found out, I told my husband and He became good friends w/one of them while I quietly & respectfully became distant. It was a friendship Not meant for me but my Husband, a different man or unattached female. - I encourage you to research Oxygen Therapy as an added treatment to chemo & radiation. It has been scientifically & medically proven that cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygen rich environment**
skywriter Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Hi Tenacity, I am so glad that you were able to share your situation with us. You've become one of my favorite posters because I relate to you, so I immediatly noticed when you weren't replying. I hate to hear what you are going through without a support system. I'll be praying for your speedy recovery. You always have my support! 2
Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Hi Tenacity, I am so glad that you were able to share your situation with us. You've become one of my favorite posters because I relate to you, so I immediatly noticed when you weren't replying. I hate to hear what you are going through without a support system. I'll be praying for your speedy recovery. You always have my support! Thank you so much skywriter. I feel the same about your posts. Thanks to the others who posted too. MFH, I know you did not think that was my intent, and thank you for the great post. You said what I was trying to say. ComingInHot - thank you. I know her and am casual friends with her, but it would never become close. Right now I know way more about their marriage difficulties than I feel I should, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. As for the oxygen therapy - not something I know about (I am a physician trained in the US, western medicine, and I tend to be very scientifically based which leads me away, by definition, from some non-FDA approved therapies...but I will check it out). Thank you! Need all the ammunition I can get. I'm not an oncologist.
ComingInHot Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Tenacity; I think you'll find the research from All over & it will have same conclusions. FDA is designed to approve methods based on success, safety and making Money. Use of Oxygen therapies IS approved but not "promoted" by the FDA & pharmaceutical companies because it's not a billion dollar money maker. If you have education in the medical field, I know you'll do your research** Is there Anyone besides a MM that you can go to for support/help??
beenburned Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I wish you the best in your cancer treatment! Don't be afraid to post about your struggles as you go through this! We are good listeners, and all of us have had family or friends that have been touched by cancer. 2
ThatJustHappened Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Best of luck Tenacity and I hope all goes well with your treatments. As far as he goes..I'm sure his intentions were good and I know yours were too, but these things have a way of slowly creeping towards something sordid, especially in highly charged situations. However cut yourself a little bit of slack in this case. You deserve support. I'm going to repeat the question someone above asked..could you see yourself being friends with his wife too?
BetrayedH Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Sorry to hear your cancer news. I hope it is cleared up as readily as possible. As for the supportive MM, good choice. As much as boundaries are talked about around here, it's a hell of a lot easier said than done. But this guy is a "It just happened" scenario hoping to unfold.
Pierre Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I know, and thank you. This guy is not someone I am attracted to (although I have not been attracted to anyone since ex-MM) but he is a very nice, very honest man. He does not want to cheat on his W and I don't know that he ever would. I don't want to make him out to be someone who just entered into this to have an A. That wasn't it. I honestly know that he did this in support for me - when he first called me after he found out about the diagnosis, he asked me if I had any close family support and I told him no, and he told me he would make sure I had someone (him) then. He was trying to be nice. I know he is a great guy. I am not interested in him except as a friend. He is divorced once, his first wife had an A. I just thought it best that I shut it down before it went anywhere. Please don't think that was the intent, MFH and others. I am just venting here. I am sorry about your Dx, but I am also optimistic you will conquer this. This man is already cheating on his wife as he could not share the conversations with her. Stop this now. All cheating MMs seem noble at the onset. Sometimes I feel there must be a gene for naivette in OWs.
Realist3 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Thankfully it was caught early. Wish you the best! As far as the MM, he is already willing to cheat and has begun that process with you. Nip it is the bud.
BetrayedH Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I agree that his current intentions are not "good." He knows EXACTLY what he is doing. "My poor struggling marriage...I wish you and I had met sooner." Uh huh. Fishing.
Got it Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Tenacity, I am so sorry about the cancer diagnosis. Please take care of yourself.
OpenBook Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I'm praying for you Tenacity! I find it creepy that this guy seems to be taking advantage of your vulnerable state to "feel you out" on your receptiveness to an A with him. I hope I'm interpreting this wrong. You above all people are in the best position to determine that. I'm glad to see you're calling the shots as you see fit for YOUR life, and hope you will continue to do so. 3
seren Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Tenacity, I am 5 year cancer survivor (yay) I never thought to say that and each day I do I shout it out from the dammed rooftops. Looking forward to seeing you on the rooftop 5 years down the line too. I went the chemo route and aside from the baldness and an excuse to buy a fab wig, it saved my life, literally. I found out that H had an A while I was having chemo and had never felt so bloody vulnerable in all my life, I think I must have sent out vulnerable vibes at the time, not something I was or am known for usually. I was surprised at how many people opened up about things they had never spoken of before. I wondered if my being vulnerable helped them to open up as they thought they had a fellow, down on their arse person in their midst it was almost that they felt they could say anything and many did, quite illuminating and a little surprising at times. I wonder if your friend felt he could cross a boundary and in doing so mixed up his thinking, maybe. Either way, I would tell him it made you uncomfortable and look elsewhere for support. Take whatever treatment they give you, give yourself time to recover from the treatment. My very sincere best wishes and get your boots on to kick the big c in the backside. Take care seren x 3
NotInProvence Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 My mother was a breast cancer survivor. Prayers are with you.
NotInProvence Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Sorry...it was what she called herself. I just hope the best for Tenacity; with the spirit in her posts, that cancer doesn't stand a chance.
Mount Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 First thing first - sorry to hear that but best wishes for your recovery. Second (pardon me if I am being too straightforward)- you shouldn't ask this kind of question anymore, haven't you had enough from this....you are way over veteran already to understand how it goes. Not like some new poster here saying - this is my first post, I am in my 20's, there has a male coworker that we talk often....etc etc. Come on, Tenacity, isn't ridiculous that you even asking ths kind question now? Last, I am not suprised at all seeing women here , including OWs and Betrayed wives here having issues about breast cancer, Ovian Caner, uterus tumor..etc. I said before, emotion exhaustation, emotion up and down, depression will cause the illness often for those women. Hi everyone. I have been pondering this for awhile but I haven't posted it yet. It's part of the reason I came back on the boards from a few weeks off. I was diagnosed with breast cancer several weeks ago. Fortunately, it was caught very early and the prognosis is very good. I just have to get through a few weeks of chemo and radiation treatments. I started this week, it hasn't been fun, and I'm not looking forward to the next couple of months. My question is in context with my other posts here. I have a co-worker who is male, who has been a great friend to me for the past several years, but very casually. I had been in my own mess with ex-MM, and he knows ex-MM (and hates him) and we talked about it a few times, but that was it, other than his telling me he hated what ex-MM did. Since this guy found out about my diagnosis, and knowing that I am on my own without a husband or family within several states, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would be there as a support. (I know his wife, and she supported it too). He has not gone overboard about it, just calls me every other day or so, but checks in by email every day. I guess my real issue is that our phone conversation last night ended up being long (they have progressively become longer) and he has progressively shared more of his life with me throughout this - specifically, he has shared that he and his wife are having difficulties. Yet he says he loves her and his kids, and I know that to be true. Last night on the phone we talked in more depth, after he asked me to talk about how I am doing on treatment. He ended up sharing more detail about his marriage than I was comfortable with, and at the end of the conversation, he said "I wish we would have met under different circumstances" and it was clear to me what he meant. I ended the call and sent him an email and said we can no longer talk. It breaks my heart, as he is the only person who I have had to talk about my cancer. I received an email from him, asking if he could call me tomorrow night. I just hate this. I don't want to lose my only support, but I would never put someone else's marriage at risk again. I don't have a real question I guess. Just wanted to share.
freestyle Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I just want to send you some positive vibes for healing, Tenacity... Good thoughts coming your way.
Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Sometimes I feel there must be a gene for naivette in OWs. Wow. I'm assuming you meant 'naivety'. I am not naive, Pierre. I responded to someone who has been a friend and who was reaching out to be kind and provide support. The SECOND that it went over that line, I shut it down. How is that naive? 2
Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I'm going to repeat the question someone above asked..could you see yourself being friends with his wife too? I think his wife is great. I would love to be friends with her. 1
Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Thanks for the supportive posts - it really means a lot. I probably wasn't clear in my initial posts, but my real point in posting was not to get help to keep from having an affair, but just because I was sad that I had to shut down someone who had been a friend because the conversations were going in the wrong direction. 1
Author Tenacity Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Tenacity, I am 5 year cancer survivor (yay) I never thought to say that and each day I do I shout it out from the dammed rooftops. Looking forward to seeing you on the rooftop 5 years down the line too. I went the chemo route and aside from the baldness and an excuse to buy a fab wig, it saved my life, literally. I found out that H had an A while I was having chemo and had never felt so bloody vulnerable in all my life, I think I must have sent out vulnerable vibes at the time, not something I was or am known for usually. I was surprised at how many people opened up about things they had never spoken of before. I wondered if my being vulnerable helped them to open up as they thought they had a fellow, down on their arse person in their midst it was almost that they felt they could say anything and many did, quite illuminating and a little surprising at times. I wonder if your friend felt he could cross a boundary and in doing so mixed up his thinking, maybe. Either way, I would tell him it made you uncomfortable and look elsewhere for support. Take whatever treatment they give you, give yourself time to recover from the treatment. My very sincere best wishes and get your boots on to kick the big c in the backside. Take care seren x Wow seren. I can't even imagine what you were going through at that time. That just blows me away. Thank you for sharing that story of strength with me, and for the words of support. 1
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