SadSouls Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 For those of you who have an idea of what your partner got up to in their past, sexually, how do you view this? I know a lot of people see it as a big deal. It's my personal opinion that it's the past for a reason. I'm trying to write a little book on retroactive jealousy and would like your input on this subject. Thanks.
soccerrprp Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I don't actively try to find out and frankly, one may not want to know. The past is the past....there are reasons why it should be left there. Bringing up the muddy, eeky past could easily and will affect the present and future. Sexual partners of the past???? Why would you want to subject yourself to that?
Els Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I know a good deal about my bf's - we've talked a lot about a whole lot of stuff and this was just one of them. It really doesn't bother me. IMO the key is to date someone with a compatible sexual/dating mindset to begin with. If it bothers you that much, chances are you're not compatible or you have some personal issues with retroactive jealousy that you need to work on.
ltjg45 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Unless that person has an STD or has 4-5 children, I really don't care. 2
Treasa Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I see it as his past. I think that my mistakes and the hardships in my life have had much more to do with how happy I am today than the happy times did, if that makes sense. I've dated and slept with absolute *******s. I wouldn't trade that in for anything in the world, though, because I absolutely love who I am now. Same thing for my boyfriend. He's done some things sexually in his past that he regrets, but he learned a lot from them. As long as we're both clean and free of STDs, which we are, I just don't care.
BetheButterfly Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) For those of you who have an idea of what your partner got up to in their past, sexually, how do you view this? I know a lot of people see it as a big deal. It's my personal opinion that it's the past for a reason. I'm trying to write a little book on retroactive jealousy and would like your input on this subject. Thanks. My husband had sex with girlfriends as well as had casual sex since he was 18 years old. I do know about 3 in particular of his past sexual partners: 2 were girlfriends and one seemed to him to be a friends with benefits arrangement. I think he broke many girls' hearts. I'm not jealous of his past girlfriends or sexual partners and he is not jealous of mine. My wedding night was when I "gave up" my virginity, when I was 23 years old. I divorced after almost 5 years of marriage. After that, I had sex with 2 guys (one right after the other) who I thought would someday commit to me but they didn't. When I started talking on the phone to the man who is now my husband I told him about my past and he told me of his past. I told him how I did not want to have sex again with a man who was not interested in committing with me. He understood and agreed. Although we did have sex before marriage (which I felt guilty for doing but it happened naturally when we were alone making out), we made the conscious and mutual decision to stop until our wedding day. Our wedding night was super special!!! :bunny: Anyways, I am not jealous about my husband's past and what matters to me is our present and future together. He is not jealous of my past either. Instead, we focus on the present and future. We did not try to hide the past. We talked about it, then let it go, like letting a balloon float away on a breeze... Edited February 13, 2013 by BetheButterfly 2
silvermercy Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 For me "past is not the past". It's an indicator of future behaviour. Just like a job, I need to see his past CV to see if he's suitable for me. So yes, every time I need to know so I know better with whom I'm dealing with. Besides, as partners we need to share as much as possible with each other. 2
kaylan Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 The past makes us who we are today. So Id like someone with a similar past to myself. Someone whos had their fun, but didnt go too wild and has morals. Too much irresponsible casual sex is a major turn off. Ive had a few flings myself...but I think once a person over 25, has a sexual number of more than half their age, then I raise an eyebrow.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 If I'm really digging the person you just have to realize that their past, sexual or not, is what has shaped them into the person that you love, warts and all. And - are we really having this conversation again? 3
Alma Mobley Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 My husband and I talked about past lovers. I know some say not to ask, but I just wanted to know everything about him! But I am not a jealous person, at least not about that. I just like knowing how he became the person he is, but I know not every one is like me. 1
FitChick Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I don't really care as long as the women are in the past and not in the present. 2
Krieger Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 well having sex with one woman at my age (29) I just do not want to know how many guys a girls been with it will only make me feel like I will not make her happy in the bed room. I know she is with me but still I know i would think about it to much lol. I wounder how woman feel about guys in my shoes ?
animalover Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 This topic is already old... but since you bring it in from a different perspective... I don't talk with my partner about sexual past... I do talk to possible candidates and rule out the ones that don't fit my values. Once a woman is my partner I never want to hear anything about her sexual past anymore. I don't really want to know!
e40 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's a stupid question and deserves a stupid answer.
VioletSummer Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 To those who say a persons past will shape their future, I hope you're taking all parts of their past into perspective and not just their sexual past. Just because someone has slept with a certain amount of people it shouldn't get in the way of a decent relationship. You should think about your future and not someones past before they even knew you. I used to suffer with retroactive jealousy myself but I realised in the end it was my problem and I needed to deal with it, so I did.
sillyanswer Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I hope my partner has a past, and that she's figured out at least a bit of what works for her and what she likes, and that she's learned how to communicate some of that to me. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Unless that person has an STD or has 4-5 children, I really don't care. This. Except I'd probably care if she told me. Otherwise it's don't ask, don't tell.
e40 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 To those who say a persons past will shape their future, I hope you're taking all parts of their past into perspective and not just their sexual past. Just because someone has slept with a certain amount of people it shouldn't get in the way of a decent relationship. You should think about your future and not someones past before they even knew you. I used to suffer with retroactive jealousy myself but I realised in the end it was my problem and I needed to deal with it, so I did. It's a loaded question where just being honest can end things in a flash. Guys who have too few past partners and women who have too many past partners often get judged especially harshly and may want to do whatever they can not to answer the question.
EasyHeart Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I always feel a little guilty. If I had met my girlfriend sooner, she wouldn't have had to have sex with all those losers.
Casablanca Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I follow the military's policy; don't ask, don't tell; just need to know you've practiced safe sex
mortensorchid Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 My past is my past. I see this as the other person's past. Quite honestly, it would be foolish if not downright neive of you to assume that a person did not have some kind of a past unless you are both 16 year old virgins. Sometimes I talk about things from the past, in terms of "He and I did this", "I went to this place with so-and-so", but it's the past because it's the past. Some people like to boast of their pasts, but in the end it makes you look like a ho (even if you have only been with a few people). I don't discuss it with others, if they want to bring things up then they can. Otherwise I don't see it as any of my business. Ultimately it's for the best to not talk about it. If the person has kids, then of course it's another ballgame, but that's how it is with me.
StanMusial Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 In crystal-clear 1080p High Definition format. Ba dum bump. 1
KungFuJoe Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I view it two ways. There is the logical and reasonable side that knows that a persons past is irrelevant in how it affects your relationship with that person. We've all done things that we aren't proud of and this is no different. But then there's the emotional/romantic side, usually spurred by the whole Madonna/whore complex that a LOT of guys are affected by that likes to rear its ugly head from time to time. I used to suffer big time from RJ. You could say I still do in some sense, but it's mostly under control and something I have learned to live with. I guess I have my mom to thank for that.
PhoenixRysing Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Count me as another one who really does not want to know. I don't care what he did before he met me, all I care about is that our views line up today. I know how many things I thought about differently when I was younger and how many choices I made that were based on how I thought then. My choices would be different now based on what I know now. This is true for financial responsibility, how I treat others, and my career aspirations, and sex is just another of those choices and ideals that can change over time. Every choice I made in life, even those I regret, made me who I am. Why wouldn't I feel the same about "him" and his past? If you change even one second, perhaps he wouldn't be the man I am interested in today. The only exception I have to this rule is that all past choices had to be made between two consenting equivalents (in other words a past that involves taking advantage of another or animals of any kind...just no...).
lino Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 The past is never 'just the past'... It's a very good indicator of the future. Usually the people who say to leave it in the past are those with a questionable past themselves. I never ask and never have but if a girl has a very promiscuous past, it eventually comes out. Usually it's always the female that asks this question anyway. 1
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