want reconcilation, but how to start?

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Some may have read my thread in the infidelity sight.

 

simply when i was engaged i had an affair with another man. I told my now husband the child was his (wasnt sure myself).

after my daughter was born we got a dna test done and it read that my husband was not her father. knowing this a persued my daughters real father for child support. the OM has had nothing to do with my child and doesnt want to ever see her. My husband is having trouble coming to terms with it, we havnt slept in the same bad for 6months now, we dont live together anymore, however he keeps telling me he misses me and loves us. as soon as i tell him i love him and want to start things back up (reconciliation) he shy's away and tells me to move on. my questions is, how long is too long for a seperation and can you put a time limit on how long this will take to heal?

 

I havnt forced him into anything, so far he has been coming to me, but then leaves us alone after i mention reconciliation!

[tojaz]

Some may have read my thread in the infidelity sight.

 

simply when i was engaged i had an affair with another man. I told my now husband the child was his (wasnt sure myself).

after my daughter was born we got a dna test done and it read that my husband was not her father. knowing this a persued my daughters real father for child support. the OM has had nothing to do with my child and doesnt want to ever see her. My husband is having trouble coming to terms with it, we havnt slept in the same bad for 6months now, we dont live together anymore, however he keeps telling me he misses me and loves us. as soon as i tell him i love him and want to start things back up (reconciliation) he shy's away and tells me to move on. my questions is, how long is too long for a seperation and can you put a time limit on how long this will take to heal?

 

I havnt forced him into anything, so far he has been coming to me, but then leaves us alone after i mention reconciliation!

 

There is no time limit Lilly and you do yourself a big disservice if you try and fit yourself into one. If it's gone too long you'll know.

 

In trying to reconcile, what has been tried so far (I don't wander to the infidelity forum very often)

 

TOJAZ

[LILLY_LOUISE]

I've just recently given him a letter with my fb details and email details to try to show him im trying to regain his trust. i understand trust is something i will have to wait a long time to regain, but im willing to stick it out. when he came round yesterday (and every other time we meet) he tells me he misses me and thinks of me. Up until yesterday we have even been having sex on the odd chance he wants to see me. i knew this had to stop and put i stop to it yesterday. i know he would of read his letter last night, bassically saying i want to reconcile and will do whatever it takes for it to happen. we know the issue isnt my daughter, it was what i did! is there anything else i can do in the mean time to show him how commited i am to getting this to work? i will give him time again, and wont contact him til he calls me...... is there something that maybe i could do in the mean time without drifting too far away from eachother?

[TaraMaiden]

I think you've done so much damage to your marriage that some things simply cannot be worked through, ever.

 

You need to make sure the right person supports your daughter, and that's NOT your husband.

Why should the OM be able to walk away scott-free and be able to turn his back on his responsibility?

His daughter?

A child - a human being - you two created together?

 

That's outrageous!

I think you should agree to a separation from your H.

 

And let him be the one to come to you, with his conditions for trying to rebuild this.

 

The problem is, currently he's operating from a position of 'heart'.

 

He needs time to take a step back and deal with this from a position of 'head'.

 

And you need to tell him that. Absolutely.

 

Stop making proposals and gestures.

 

It is he who should be calling all and every shot - not you.

Focus on making OM face his responsibilities, and let your H breathe for a while.

You owe him that.

[tojaz]

I've just recently given him a letter with my fb details and email details to try to show him im trying to regain his trust. i understand trust is something i will have to wait a long time to regain, but im willing to stick it out. when he came round yesterday (and every other time we meet) he tells me he misses me and thinks of me. Up until yesterday we have even been having sex on the odd chance he wants to see me. i knew this had to stop and put i stop to it yesterday. i know he would of read his letter last night, bassically saying i want to reconcile and will do whatever it takes for it to happen. we know the issue isnt my daughter, it was what i did! is there anything else i can do in the mean time to show him how commited i am to getting this to work? i will give him time again, and wont contact him til he calls me...... is there something that maybe i could do in the mean time without drifting too far away from eachother?

 

Theres a difference between giving him some space to process all of this and drifting too far apart. He knows what you want and probably has, he's trying to find out what he wants. Sometimes the best thing for that is to let him live without you for awhile and see what the other side feels like. Next time you talk, let him know that your going to give him some space to work through all of it, and you will be there when he's ready to move in one direction or another or to answer any questions he might have.

 

I will say that you have an uphill battle ahead of you, your asking him to accept and forgive an awful lot and if it is going to happen it's going to be a slow and painful process for both of you.

 

TOJAZ

[worldgonewrong]

At the risk of sounding all doom & gloom, I have to give it to you straight, Lilly_Louise:

Speaking as a man, for myself, I don't see how a man could ever recover from what you've done.

The eve of marriage (engagement) is all about hope & promise for the future. Part of that is the perhaps-potential desire to one day have a child with your bride. It's a sacred thing, a sacred hope.

To have robbed him of that - or rather to have tainted that hope, by having OM's baby - uproots everything that a newly-married/engaged man could've hoped for previously. It's going to take years & years for him to wrap his head around the dissonance between what he saw as the future VERSUS how it all played out so cruelly.

I'm telling you what you probably already know intuitively. But don't expect him to simply 'snap back' into the mindset before his world fell apart. Particularly now that you've had another man's child.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

I dont expect things to be easy, and i have given him the option of leaving us alone plenty of times! im always telling him (as much as it breaks my heart) that it would be easier to move on with someone else and start life over with her. But he always comes back, tells me to give him time, says he misses us, kisses me and my daughter. He loves the time he spends with us, its once he leaves the house it's almost like he snaps into this person, and puts up this huge wall again, and its hard to talk then. once he leaves its hard for me to initiate another meeting, he wont answer calls or texts.

 

I have now turned the tables over, i have told me i will give him however much time he needs! im willing to wait forever for this to start happening again. I told him that the next time he speaks to me he needs to be clear as to what he wants, if its not me then i'll have to find a way to get over it. I know the road is going to be tuff and ill try my hardest to make sure that i can support my daughter and my husband through it. My daughter will always come first, and my husband know that. As for the OM he has made it very clear he doesnt want to know our daughter. I cant force someone into spending time with her, just like i cant force my husband into working things out with me. How could i blame the OM for this? a whole year has past and he has never seen her. He is paying child support, he knows how to contact me, if he wants to see our daughter... he will.

[Yasuandio]

Worldgonewrong really nailed it, sweatheart. I mean, of all the things you could do to violate the marriage vows, you pretty much topped the cake. You do gotta move on. No more sleepovers, period. That is what is keeping this so difficult for you. You must stop wanting him. You gave him up for some reason. There was something you were looking for that was not in the marriage, that is why all this happpened to begin with. Mourn the marriage - and move on. You do not have any other choice.

 

He may want to come and see you - he is having trouble letting go as well. But when he immediately gets cold, and nonresponsive, that is the evidence that he is not going to get past this, and if he was, it would take many years. And still, deep down, everytime he looks at the girl he would be reminded of your unfaithfulness. Everytime a support check comes in the mail, it would be a slap in his face - as HE is the provider, not some stranger that you slept with. If her Daddy decided to come crawling outta the woodwork at some point - all heck would break lose. It is just a bad scene all the way around. I am so sorry to be so blunt. But reality stings sometimes. You are young enough to begin another life, fresh, with less drama.

[tojaz]

You need to put H in a position where he needs to pick a direction. If he feels the need to keep telling you how he misses you etc. then he needs to either do something about it or learn to miss you from a distance. Regardless of what has been done to break the marriage, he can't continue with one foot in and one foot out and just shuffling back and forth as his mood dictates.

 

Whats done is done and it's time for him to decide what will be, before you are forced to decide for him. Theres not much else you can do until that happens.

 

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

I had a friend in the Corps ~ a fellow Gunny ~ I'll call him Gunny Y.

 

Gunny Y had been on Marine Corps Embassy Duty, meet and married a local Turkish girl while stationed in Istanbul.

 

Young Turkish girls are HBX100 :love: :love: :love: :love:

 

And "Young Hot Red Latin Lovers" ain't got nothing on them!

 

He married her, and went back to the FMF ~ "Fleet Marine Force" ~ aka the "Real Marine Corps!"

 

Caught orders to Okinawa, Japan. Asked the wife how she felt about living in Japan for three years? Wife agreed!

 

Trouble with Okinawa Japan? There are about 40,000 Marines stationed there, most of them for six months to a year on an unaccompanied tour ~ which means they leave their wives and GF's back in the states.

 

Those of us that go over and take our wives? Well its like the song, "Its Raining Men!" Wives go over and have men, mostly Marines in their teens and early twenties hitting on them night and day! They don't care nor give a damn! There just looking for a 12 month duty station piece of azz!

 

Gunny Y's wife fell in with my XHEX and her gaggle of friends. Out on the ville every chance they got! She meet up with a young buck of a Marine. He's just looking for a piece of duty station azz!

 

She falls for the guy. He's AA (African American) and tells her he's a Lieutenant in the Marines. He's actually a Lance Corporal ~ one rank above Gomer Pyle ~ a PFC ~ Private First Class.

 

He laying it out thicker and thicker as he goes. He tells her he's getting stationed in California, while he's actually going to the East Coast ~ Camp Lejeune. She's in love with him, falls in love with him. Gunny Y and his wife are feuding like the Hatfield's and McCoy's!

 

He (Like I) decide to ship his wife back to California. She's thinking she's going to get back Stat-side and hook up with the Lt. By now she's pregno with the AA's Marine child.

 

She gets back stateside and there's no LT.

 

Meanwhile Gunny Y is tying on some serious drinking! He's losing his every-loving mind. He calls her and wants to reconcile. She tells him she can't even though she's all but homeless and destitute ~ because she's pregno with the so-called "Lt's" child!

 

He ties on a serious weeks ~ month or so drunk! Calls her up and tells her, "OK! I adopt the child and raise it as though it were my own!" (Some serious maning up going on there!)

 

She told him "NO! You don't understand the child is going to be half Turkish and half AA! :eek: Gunny Y is white and from the deep South!)

 

I hold him and nurse him through another six months of wild azz drinking ~ covering for him with the Old Man (Battalion Commander and Sergeant Major ~ my azz is seriously on the line with this guy!)

 

He calls his wife up ~ the guy has it really bad for her and tells her the same thing he told her last time.

 

Last I heard from him? He loves and cares for "Little Gunny Y" just as much as he does for his other two own. "Little Gunny Y" wants to grow up to be just like his "Daddy" ~ Gunny Y ~ a Marine!

 

I'm going to tell you just like I told Gunny Y, just give it time. Back off, leave it tha' hell alone, let it go out and get his head wrapped around it. If he loves you? (And it sounds like he does!") He just needs sometime to pull back, re-group, adapt, and wrap his head around it all!

 

All you need say is (When he comes around)

 

I love you!

 

I want you!

 

I need you in my life!

 

I care about you!

 

I want you in my life!

 

I screwed up big time!

 

I'm sorry!

 

Then shut the Hell up!

 

That's all you can do!

Edited February 14, 2013 by Gunny376

[LILLY_LOUISE]

I had a friend in the Corps ~ a fellow Gunny ~ I'll call him Gunny Y.

 

Gunny Y had been on Marine Corps Embassy Duty, meet and married a local Turkish girl while stationed in Istanbul.

 

Young Turkish girls are HBX100 :love: :love: :love: :love:

 

And "Young Hot Red Latin Lovers" ain't got nothing on them!

 

He married her, and went back to the FMF ~ "Fleet Marine Force" ~ aka the "Real Marine Corps!"

 

Caught orders to Okinawa, Japan. Asked the wife how she felt about living in Japan for three years? Wife agreed!

 

Trouble with Okinawa Japan? There are about 40,000 Marines stationed there, most of them for six months to a year on an unaccompanied tour ~ which means they leave their wives and GF's back in the states.

 

Those of us that go over and take our wives? Well its like the song, "Its Raining Men!" Wives go over and have men, mostly Marines in their teens and early twenties hitting on them night and day! They don't care nor give a damn! There just looking for a 12 month duty station piece of azz!

 

Gunny Y's wife fell in with my XHEX and her gaggle of friends. Out on the ville every chance they got! She meet up with a young buck of a Marine. He's just looking for a piece of duty station azz!

 

She falls for the guy. He's AA (African American) and tells her he's a Lieutenant in the Marines. He's actually a Lance Corporal ~ one rank above Gomer Pyle ~ a PFC ~ Private First Class.

 

He laying it out thicker and thicker as he goes. He tells her he's getting stationed in California, while he's actually going to the East Coast ~ Camp Lejeune. She's in love with him, falls in love with him. Gunny Y and his wife are feuding like the Hatfield's and McCoy's!

 

He (Like I) decide to ship his wife back to California. She's thinking she's going to get back Stat-side and hook up with the Lt. By now she's pregno with the AA's Marine child.

 

She gets back stateside and there's no LT.

 

Meanwhile Gunny Y is tying on some serious drinking! He's losing his every-loving mind. He calls her and wants to reconcile. She tells him she can't even though she's all but homeless and destitute ~ because she's pregno with the so-called "Lt's" child!

 

He ties on a serious weeks ~ month or so drunk! Calls her up and tells her, "OK! I adopt the child and raise it as though it were my own!" (Some serious maning up going on there!)

 

She told him "NO! You don't understand the child is going to be half Turkish and half AA! :eek: Gunny Y is white and from the deep South!)

 

I hold him and nurse him through another six months of wild azz drinking ~ covering for him with the Old Man (Battalion Commander and Sergeant Major ~ my azz is seriously on the line with this guy!)

 

He calls his wife up ~ the guy has it really bad for her and tells her the same thing he told her last time.

 

Last I heard from him? He loves and cares for "Little Gunny Y" just as much as he does for his other two own. "Little Gunny Y" wants to grow up to be just like his "Daddy" ~ Gunny Y ~ a Marine!

 

I'm going to tell you just like I told Gunny Y, just give it time. Back off, leave it tha' hell alone, let it go out and get his head wrapped around it. If he loves you? (And it sounds like he does!") He just needs sometime to pull back, re-group, adapt, and wrap his head around it all!

 

All you need say is (When he comes around)

 

I love you!

 

I want you!

 

I need you in my life!

 

I care about you!

 

I want you in my life!

 

I screwed up big time!

 

I'm sorry!

 

Then shut the Hell up!

 

That's all you can do!

 

Lol thanks! i have backed off big time.... and to my suprise his mum and i are meeting today! im going to go and see her, but im not going to talk about my H or our relationship ATM. i just want to talk about her and how she is... be happy and show her i still care! im looking forward to it.

[GuyInLimbo]

Sorry, but if found out my wife not only banged another guy after we got engaged AND had the dude's baby.... She'd never see or hear from me again. And, frankly, that's what you deserve. (I'm in Dr. Phil mode today.)