Been nearly two years and I still hurt like he left yesterday

[SilenceFalls]

So firstly want to point out this may be long but I'll try my best to summerize, bear with me and please don't judge.

 

So was a while ago now and I started dating this great guy. I mean we were inseperable, we were mad for each other and deeply in love, the type you think only exists in Hollywood movies. After a few months of heaven though it all turned bad, a family member of his who he loved dearly died at the same time as I was diagnosed BPD, so as you can imagine we clashed, we fought and argued and would start point scoring. We were both arrested one night but after we were realesed my great guy seemed to return, he asked me to marry him and everything but I couldnt forgive him for all the fights and neglect, I was too stubborn to apologise. He edventually started seeing a new girl and left me although he would come to my house in tears begging me to return but I had found out (due to the dates of photos I found on her fb page) that he had been with her while I was still with him, I felt so betrayed. I then had a cancer scare and he returned as I dont have a lot of friends he was the only one I wanted to hold my hand. I was fine however but after that our communication became less and less till one day it stopped, he had changed his number and so did I. I couldnt let go though, I emailed him a lot and he would reply being bitter and sarcastic. However only a few month ago I mailed him and he replied saying he missed me then all of a sudden said he didnt want sucked back again. I know I should close all communication but I cant, I keep hoping he'll cone back, im obsessed with it, every letter, every email, every taxi that parks outside my house. Im having lucid dreams that he comes back and crying a lot (im not the type that breaks down often). As far as I know he has moved in with that same girl and they appear to be happy, but I cant stop all I want is for him to be happy guess I just wish it had been with me, I dont know if its the regret and guilt that is making it impossible for me to move on or blind hope that hes going to come back, I cant keep pretending he'll be back and sit here the rest of my life just waiting but at the same time ive tried dating and not one guy appeals to me, they repulse me, sounds bad but I mean it makes me sick to my stomoch, they arent him, he was the only guy ive ever loved and I miss him dearly.. Just met at the wrong time in each of our lifes and its led me here, sad, pathetic and alone.. I need advice please im going crazy here......

[Apolodor]

You need to let go of the past. What you had with him it's gone and there is not much you can do to change that. You need to allow time to heal properly. That means breaking all communication with your ex and focusing on meeeting interesting people socially (not dating). Focus on some aspect of your life that gives you satisfaction, be it a hobby/interest or your job -- concentrate your energy in that direction. There are lots of guys out there who are just as interesting and great as your ex, if not better. But you need to give them a chance and stop comparing your new experiences with what you had. You'll never manage to move on if you keep doing that. I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak, but trust me, one day you'll look back and smile at how foolish you were. Time heals every wound.