crashvector Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I decided to send my ex fiance an email. It said "You expressed a desire to remain friends when the dust has cleared from our breakup...a breakup I did NOT want. We were just 5 months from being married when you absolutely crushed my spirit and shattered my heart. I genuinely loved you, and wanted to spend the rest of my time on earth with you. However, it is my understanding that you have begun dating in an attempt to "get over me", and have remained absolutely silent in regards to me. I made ONE attempt to contact you, which you responded to with two words "Thank you." Those are not the actions of someone who wishes to truly remain friends. As much as it pains me to say this, I do not wish to hear from you in a couple of months...or ever...unless you are contacting me to reconcile our 5+ year long relationship. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve better than to devote myself to you so completely, only to be tossed out like so much garbage when YOU decided that you were not willing to spend more time with the man who was willing to give you everything I had and more. Tears fill my eyes as I type this, but I do not want to see you or talk to you ever again unless it is for the reason of putting things back together. To do so would only serve to deepen what is already going to be a life-long wound that I will carry forever thanks to you and your vulcan-like lack of emotion. We were engaged to be married, and you broke things off like it hardly mattered. You claimed to still love me. I will tolerate no more lies and certainly will not have you throwing me breadcrumbs and MORE empty promises of "friendship" when I know and YOU know damned well I won't EVER be able to just be your friend when I loved you so intensely and completely. It would be wrong of you to do so, and even MORE wrong for me to allow myself to be treated in such a profoundly disrespectful way. I sincerely hope you find happiness...I will try my best to recover and find my own. For the record: I loved you more than anyone or anything. I would have been with you and stuck by you to the end. I really DO wish things could have been different, but since they are not and I can do nothing to change what happened, the only thing I CAN do is insist that I not be treated poorly...least of all by the same woman who at one time claimed to love me enough to spend the rest of HER life with me, too. I saved your life, and you saved mine. It is a shame on a galactic scale that you could not look beyond your own petty doubts long enough to see that the very thing you ended our relationship over would have fixed itself soon enough. Sure, I will have to deal with the pain..but YOU will have to deal with your decision. Both of us know you will NEVER find someone else who will treat you with such kindness and caring as I. Good luck trying."
316 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 No offense but this part of your email just comes off as bitter: "Sure, I will have to deal with the pain..but YOU will have to deal with your decision. Both of us know you will NEVER find someone else who will treat you with such kindness and caring as I. Good luck trying." You have no idea what kind of guy she'll meet in the future it's just an empty threat... If I received something like that from my ex I'd think she was an ass hole and I made the right decision. Now every time she thinks of you this is what she will remember. Always leave on a good note. I'm not sure if it was worded the right way but at least she now knows not to contact you anymore.
SharkTooth Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 As much as I understand that you really want to send this, in time you will regret it! Please don't send it if you haven't already. The pain you, I and everyone else on LS has to go thru is as close to dying on the inside as you can get. But listen to everyone on here. Especially the established posters. I didn't for a while and thought I had it figured out and my relationship was different but I was wrong. I'd be damn near over it if I started 4 months ago. We all have to allow the lose and grieving take it's natural course. And that is perfectly ok. But when I read your e-mail, I could picture her reading the first part, losing interest in the middle, and just about scanning over the end. Having no effect on her at all. It sucks but it's the truth. Or at least that's my opinion. Good luck 1
Author crashvector Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 No...its accurate...and she knows it. Yeah, it IS bitter. I went to hell and back for that woman...and literally saved her life. he point of it was that when we split, she told me she would contact me in 3 or 4 months...and I have since decided that a) I wouldn't be able to handle it anyhow and b) I dont want to be her FRIEND...I wanted to be her HUSBAND...and its insulting to me that she would think that I would be able to tolerate seeing her with someone else, etc...or that I would let myself be treated so poorly as to let her toss me lame "breadcrumbs" like saying "I'll contact you later" and "I want to be friends". Whatever. She broke my heart for a piss-poor reason, and I deserve better than that considering what I went through for her and with her.
NoLeafClover Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I too wanted to send my ex an email.rite after she broke up with me...i never did..now 10 weeks on NC Ive been thinking to send her one again...with a loud and clear msg "stop driving by my house and calling me restricted you crazy f** bitch" Dont send it
iouaname Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 She's not going to hear those things and suddenly realize that you're right 1
Coping Vortex Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Crash I thought you were knee deep in new women by now? 1
LostOne1 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 My experience was that emails were useless. And venting off on her WILL NOT help at all. Take it from someone, who I think has almost fully healed now. Been about 7-8 months now and found someone else I want to give a chance. And I WILL say I've forgotten about my ex already. I mean this new girl makes my ex look like nothing. It's going to take time man... some more than others. BUT at some point all the bitterness and hate you have will be gone. I could see my ex now and smile at her and just walk by. The pain is gone, because I've moved on and I've pushed myself to find other women. I mean what a few girls and my counsellor made me realize is I AM SUCH an AMAZING and NICE guy. That in reality I can get ANY girl I want... Which is why I am out looking for a new girl, because I know if my ex doesn't want me. Well then some other girl would.. in fact my counsellor said there are girls coming constantly for counselling wishing they could find a guy EXACTLY with my qualities. The problem is I don't get out there enough and introduce myself and all. It's time for you to let it all go. Heck I was there for my ex through her worst times. She left me at my worst and didn't even look back. She became selfish and admitted it too. And it's okay, because one day she will look back and feel a bit bad. And by then I will be super happy and not worried about her at all. Just go out there and get yourself noticed and learn that there is someone out there for you. You just were with the wrong girl as I was too. Time to go fishing and see what tugs at the hook! 2
StraylightRun24 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 My experience was that emails were useless. And venting off on her WILL NOT help at all. Take it from someone, who I think has almost fully healed now. Been about 7-8 months now and found someone else I want to give a chance. And I WILL say I've forgotten about my ex already. I mean this new girl makes my ex look like nothing. It's going to take time man... some more than others. BUT at some point all the bitterness and hate you have will be gone. I could see my ex now and smile at her and just walk by. The pain is gone, because I've moved on and I've pushed myself to find other women. I mean what a few girls and my counsellor made me realize is I AM SUCH an AMAZING and NICE guy. That in reality I can get ANY girl I want... Which is why I am out looking for a new girl, because I know if my ex doesn't want me. Well then some other girl would.. in fact my counsellor said there are girls coming constantly for counselling wishing they could find a guy EXACTLY with my qualities. The problem is I don't get out there enough and introduce myself and all. It's time for you to let it all go. Heck I was there for my ex through her worst times. She left me at my worst and didn't even look back. She became selfish and admitted it too. And it's okay, because one day she will look back and feel a bit bad. And by then I will be super happy and not worried about her at all. Just go out there and get yourself noticed and learn that there is someone out there for you. You just were with the wrong girl as I was too. Time to go fishing and see what tugs at the hook! This is one of the more positive and truthful things I've read on here. Unfortunately all of us on this board seem to be hung up on the wrong person. In my experience you are completely right about putting yourself out there. Before my current ex I was hung up on another girl and decided to take a chance and go on a blind date with a cute blonde who I have to say didn't exactly fit my type (I sort of hate that term btw!). It turns out I ended up falling in love with her and while it unfortunately didn't have the happy ending I had in mind I'm extremely grateful that I got to experience the brief time I had with her cause in all honesty she taught me what love was. I thought I knew before, but I really had no idea. Now I can take what I learned in the brief time I was with her and use it in my next relationship. Thank LostOne1! 1
Author crashvector Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Crash I thought you were knee deep in new women by now? That was another reason i was considering sending her that email. I wouldnt say im knee deep in women, but a few have expressed interest...most notably the one i will refer to as "blind date kiss girl" lol Ive seen her 6 or 7 times now, and see some real potential, once im completely over my anger at my ex.
Coping Vortex Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 That was another reason i was considering sending her that email. I wouldnt say im knee deep in women, but a few have expressed interest...most notably the one i will refer to as "blind date kiss girl" lol Ive seen her 6 or 7 times now, and see some real potential, once im completely over my anger at my ex. That being said why would you bother sending her the email then?
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 No offense but this part of your email just comes off as bitter: "Sure, I will have to deal with the pain..but YOU will have to deal with your decision. Both of us know you will NEVER find someone else who will treat you with such kindness and caring as I. Good luck trying." You have no idea what kind of guy she'll meet in the future it's just an empty threat... If I received something like that from my ex I'd think she was an ass hole and I made the right decision. Now every time she thinks of you this is what she will remember. Always leave on a good note. I'm not sure if it was worded the right way but at least she now knows not to contact you anymore. Yeah I agree...this letter does sound bitter. Not sure if you have sent the letter or not but IMO I think you should not send it. For starters, the relationship is over and you always want to end things by being the bigger person. This letter IMO does not serve any purpose but to outline how you feel towards her. Honestly, not to be harsh but she probably doesn't care and on top of that if she didn't have any feelings or any "good" thoughts about you...this email just killed it. Sorry to be harsh but just my opinion
Jono85 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 should not have sent that letter. i've sent similar things, and i've realized all those letters do is show how hurt you are still and the only feelings they MAY produce in your ex is pity (MAYBE some guilt, but not much). they're past it, their feelings aren't there (hence the breakup). if i ever get dumped again, after an INITIAL plea or statement about how i would really like to work on the relationship and how it isn't what i want, i will then simply disappear from their life. as a prideful man, i'm just going to deal with the grief on my own (ie. not with the ex, but friends/fam are fine). there's just no good that comes of it. not only that, IMO, exes are far less likely to reach back out to you if they realize what a mistake they made, if you've already broken down, and shown her how destroyed you are. what girl is going to want to risk reaching back out to you when they were showered with guilt and made to feel even worse at the time of breakup. they're just simply not going to risk it (and i'm not saying this isn't for the best, b/c anyone who dumps you probs shouldn't be allowed back into your life anyway). furthermore, if you are still hoping for reconciliation (which you obviously are seeing how you foolishly left the door open for her to come back as she pleases) this type of emotional outpouring will just further kill any shred of attraction that may have been left. women are not attracted to highly emotional men. it's a huge turn off. lastly, have some god**** pride man. you just leave the door open for reconciliation so she knows you're there as a backup plan if things don't work out with preferred options??? geez. sad.
Author crashvector Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I did not send it. I wrote it..but saved as a draft...wanted to give myself time to reflect upon whether or not it was really how i felt, or just a moment of weakness. I have determined it was the latter. However, i do not want her to contact me for any reason other than a genuine attempt to reconcile, so how do you suggest i word that? She told me her plan was to contact me in a few months (back in Dec) and i just think it would do more harm than good, and set me back a great deal even to just hear from her, so i dont want a "So how are you can we be friends?" message from her. No, i dont want to be friends with her...i COULDNT be. For God's sake i was fully prepared to.spend the rest of my life with her....im wise enough to know i wouldn't ever be able to let go of what i felt for her if we were in contact as "friends". I want to send a message of "relationship or nothing, but if no relationship, please do do contact me ever again" Guess i just dont know how to word it.
Author crashvector Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 That being said why would you bother sending her the email then? Because i do not want a "Okay..im over our relationship now and want to try to be just friends now" message from her...i know it would set me waaaay back and leave me conflicted. It would be a temptation i know damned well i wouldnt be able to resist, and would only end up with me being hurt again.
cavalier99 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) Because i do not want a "Okay..im over our relationship now and want to try to be just friends now" message from her...i know it would set me waaaay back and leave me conflicted. It would be a temptation i know damned well i wouldnt be able to resist, and would only end up with me being hurt again. Crash you are going about this wrong. You don't send an email hoping not to get communication... no matter what it says. Breaking NC and sending this will set you back more than getting a breadcrumb from her later on. Also i have learned that if you tell them NEVER to contact you EVER again they will still contact you. Mine did. The time to send that email was the week of the BU. Now it just looks desperate and ridiculous and will set you back and shatter your self esteem. Just block her if you don't want a breadcrumb. And she knows perfectly well how to find you if she wants to reconcile. Just do things by the NC playbook and you will get better. Deviate and it will take longer. Guaranteed. Cav Edited February 14, 2013 by cavalier99
Author crashvector Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Good advice, cav....i think ill take it 1
cavalier99 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) When we want to send emails, snoop or break NC it is ALWAYS our brains tricking us so we can get that fix. The reasons always seem logical at the time and our brains are very creative. - I just want to see that she is in a RS so i can move on more - I want to tell him/her not to contact me later so i don't have a setback - There are just a couple things i wanted to clarify to get closure - There are some admin things to wrap up - Just want to put out a feeler in hope they want to reconcile and don't want them to forget me. Maybe they are waiting for me to take initiative. - Blah blah blah All of these reasons are BS. If we resist these we start to break the addiction and the urges get easier to handle. If we give in the urges get worse and we end up on a slippery slope of contact, feeling desperate, self esteem lowered, and reliving a lot of the initial pain instead of getting some distance and perspective. Rock on! Cav Edited February 14, 2013 by cavalier99 3
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