Debbie2508 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Just wondering if it's easier to get over a BU if you're a confident,self disciplined person with lots of willpower......having said that,maybe those sorts of people are usually the dumpers not the dumpees! I think my problem is that I'm so weak willed and will just sit and ruminate on everything endlessly,as it's easier than forcing myself to stop doing it and at least attempt to focus on something else. Wish I could re-invent myself!!
Sav Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Nah uh. Confident people are usually the ones that get hit hardest. Why do I say so? Their ego being bruised is amplified many times than non-confident people bcuz they think nothing can go wrong but suddenly their beloved tells them otherwise. There's no such thing as an easy breakup if you are committed. But I do agree that willpower plays a huge part post-breakup so hang in there, you will get there soon 2
H3Drvr Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I think the initial sting from a break up hurts the same. The difference is that someone who has enough confidence in them self tend to bounce back faster.
Love Bytes Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 As an extremely confident person with a ton of willpower, let me answer this.... No. An absolutely resounding no. As Sav said, this hit hard. Really hard. And for those reasons...the more confident you are, the less "fear" you have. I never thought it would happen, ever. I just thought it was a forgone conclusion that we were gonna get married and live happily ever after. Which unfortunately hindered me from seeing the signs and being able to fix things before it was too late. So not only has this been hard on me, but my overconfidence is one of the reasons it happened in the first place.
mammasita Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 You can re-invent yourself. It may sound cheesy but look for some self-help books and/or groups that fit your situation. 1
Author Debbie2508 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I guess what you're all saying is that we have pretty much the same feelings when someone we love leaves us. Sav....wish I could buy some willpower from somewhere,I'm sure it's lack of it that's holding me back. H3Drvr.....I never had much confidence,and the irony is that my ex was determined to "help me with it",then left,leaving me with none whatsoever. Love Bytes....I was the exact opposite,always worried things would end at some point,so never really relaxed and let myself enjoy the good times,and was too apprehensive about making things worse,having seen some signs,to try to fix things. I think my lack of confidence is one of the reasons it happened. Heartbreak sucks....whoever you are !!
TaraMaiden Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's a bit like a driver having a 'Certificate of Advanced Motorists'. Get caught in a speed-trap and the officer tells you - "You should have known better!" Uber-confident people are expected to recover a lot better from a knock-down than those with marginally or measurably less confidence. Maybe they do, but in the "bigger they are the harder thy fall" mould, I think it's possible the pain is exponential.....
Author Debbie2508 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 You can re-invent yourself. It may sound cheesy but look for some self-help books and/or groups that fit your situation. Thanks.Have practically a library of self-help books (well,4 ). I read them,grateful for any distraction to prevent me thinking of him,nodding along as I recognise myself,agree with all the suggestions.....and then tell myself that "people like me" will never change,what's the point etc etc. I don't know if I'm scared of failing,or succeeding.....if that makes any sense?! I'd like to re-invent myself as TaraMaiden
iouaname Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 This is a vicious cycle. You feel as though you're not doing well and thus must not be confident, then you compare yourself to other people who you feel are confident, and then you're so upset that you're not handling it like them that you begin to handle it even worse. Just don't do it to yourself. Everyone has moments that they look back on and cringe about. Everyone has problems. There's no point in making your own worse by comparing them to other people. You know what the best way to build confidence is? Deal with your own issue, and deal with it the way that you want to and the way that will help you make the most progress. When you begin to do things for yourself that make you happy, you build your confidence.
H3Drvr Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Small steps sweetheart! Taking small steps can only lift you higher and higher. Sometimes we're so caught up on the negative things going on in our lives that we forget that there are positive things about us. Look into your work, your personal life maybe how you treat people...then use those positive traits as a stepping stone and begin to build on them. When my ex-fiancé from years ago dumped me I was absolutely devasted. I felt old, dumb and unattractive. It only took one girl that came up to me at a club, grabbed my butt and whispered in my ear "I want to take you home and do dirty things to you!" Lol, I kid you not! Granted she wasn't the most physically attractive girl in the club and I didn't go home with her, I felt like "hey, I am still attractive!" That's all it took to get the ball rolling. During my relationship with the ex, I gained a lot of weight and made a conscious decision to get in better shape, for myself and not the ex. Today, I'm about 60lbs lighter and definitely in the better shape then when I was in my late teens/early 20's. It may seem narcissistic but one of fastest ways to gain confidence is to fix your appearance. Whether it be getting new clothes or a new body. If you feel good about your outward appearance, your inner appearance tend to follow. I'm not saying you should make yourself look like a supermodel (although it wouldn't hurt) but I tend to follow the idea...look good=feel good. That's why everyone says to hit the gym. But like I said, take small incremental steps and you will get there!
coltsfan1 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I am a fairly confident man and I experienced EXACTLY what Sav said. It wrecked me, when a confident/arrogant person gets dumped it is sometimes hard to see their own faults. However once I was healed up my strides in personal achievement went way faster than the average person due to my drive and discipline. Just my experience and opinion....
pteromom Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 No, I think being dumped is a heartbreaker no matter how confident you are. I think a big difference though is that someone who is confident might tend to blame the dumper for the break-up, while someone who is not might tend to blame him/herself. It adds another layer of pain, because on top of the pain of being left, you have to deal with GUILT and self-loathing. I hope you are able to start feeling sunshine again soon.
sadpanda87 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 the initial struggle, confusion and pain is exactly the same. im a fairly confident guy, i know im smart and attractive and i have a very easy time getting attention fom the other gender - sometimes even the same gender but that has nothing to do with how i responded to my break up. its about the loss of love and a special person and being confident, as ppl have said above only made it worse. i did not expect it and it devastated me. but it does help with recovery, ive made plenty of new friends, had my rebound sex and now dealing with the last bits of lingering emotions - because i know i'll survive it, i demand it
Author Debbie2508 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Thanks again guys. I know I'll survive,I'm just scared I'll never feel this way for someone again,or have someone feel that way about me. I know I should find it in myself to be happy,and not expect a man to fulfil all my needs. I left my 26yr relationship with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive man,once our 3 chuldren were 16yrs + and was soo happy on my own,was not interested in finding anyone else,just loved not having to answer to someone for everything i did. 6 years on I met my ex,we started out as friends,fell in love,got engaged....then he leaves me. Rationally,I know I should blame him for most of the problems,I should definitely be angry at him....yet I blame myself and get upset instad of angry. That's where I think confidence helps....I wish i could make myself believe that it's his loss and I'll find someone better! Sorry for ranting...and probably going off topic too. one last thing......it wouldn't be a good idea to send an "I miss you" text,would it???!!!
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