valeriepm Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Summary: Dated for 3 years, 20 years old, first loves; I asked for a break after an argument over family beliefs, took it as a breakup and told his entire family; we agreed the next day it was a misunderstanding; the next two weeks he broke up and got back together with me twice for various, trivial reasons (you're not affectionate enough, you leave when you're mad, my family doesn't like you now, I'm too hurt, we're not compatible, etc); he ignored me for a week so I went to his house and he yelled at me - called me crazy, get out of my life, there's nothing to talk about, etc; no contact for 6 weeks then I sent him an email (valeriepm - The letter I sent to my ex...). This was a big mistake because I was not prepared for how he replied. Below, he responded. Background: He broke up with me once in the summer of 2011 because he didn't like my mom; he took me back after a few hours out of guilt (I begged); he said our relationship was no longer serious, I may not be the one, etc; he truly stopped caring about me - he was different and never wanted to see me; he tried breaking up with me a few more times to go active duty although never followed through; left for basic two months later; called me crying and wrote me letters of apology, saying I was his only girl and had a connection with me like no one else; he came back home after 4 months and everything was perfect again, even planned on buying an engagement ring, until this breakup. Email: valeriepm - Email To protect me? Because he loves me more? Different directions? It makes no sense. I'm going to college and we live close. He's pressured about his future - probably trying to decide between going active duty, volunteering to deploy, or going to tech school. I asked for clarification and he ignored me. I still love him but I'm sick of him pushing me away like this. He is acting the exact same way he did during the summer before basic, except this is a real breakup. I'm going on with my life but there's a part of me that still hopes he'll grow up and come back one day. Does this sound like GIGS to you?
SendHope Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It seems like he is grasping at straws for a reason to break up with you. It sounds like GIGS in my view.
Author valeriepm Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 That's what I've been thinking - it's just all so strange. He even told me, in the beginning, that he was too badly hurt to go back to me and that I broke his heart. I have no idea what he's talking about - it's so over dramatic. I was good to him and never gave him a reason to say or feel those things. And every time I asked for further clarification, he'd ignore me. He still ignores me. But I'm definitely sticking to no contact from here on out. But I still miss him, his flaws and all. I just hope we can get past this one day - even if it's years from now.
SendHope Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 That's what I've been thinking - it's just all so strange. He even told me, in the beginning, that he was too badly hurt to go back to me and that I broke his heart. I have no idea what he's talking about - it's so over dramatic. I was good to him and never gave him a reason to say or feel those things. And every time I asked for further clarification, he'd ignore me. He still ignores me. But I'm definitely sticking to no contact from here on out. But I still miss him, his flaws and all. I just hope we can get past this one day - even if it's years from now. I feel the exact same way as you. Me and my ex had a great 9 months before she asked for a "break". There was a lack of effort on her part to see me and I guess she didn't want to put the effort in hence the break. I tried and bargain with her and we could make it work etc but she just wanted to be on her own. She gave me this initial reason. -"I wanna fix my life and focus on myself." Respectable. Then I noticed the she overslept and missed her classes 3 days out of the week so I called BS on it (not to her). She is pretty lazy so this holds to her form. We tried the friends thing but I had a major meltdown and I finally got a believable reason. -"I don't want to be in a relationship right now." The **** up thing is that these major conversations happened through text messages or the LoL Social Client. Here I am struggling to hold on to NC/LC (we work together). It's been almost 3 weeks and I still pine for her. I wish she contact me. I was deliriously happy with her and I have to pull every trick in the book to not have the thought of her consume my day. I want to tell her that I miss her and I love her. I still have silly hopes of reconciliation. I don't want to ruin my image to her by coming off as desperate. I hate it.
Author valeriepm Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I know how you feel. All of this has given me a real low view of relationships and people in general. I never would have done this to him. I realize that relationships and love take effort. It's not about being happy all the time or the butterflies in the stomach - it's about companionship and sharing a life with someone. And my ex also broke up with me and had all these major conversations over the phone. We were together for three years and he ends it like it meant nothing. Then I recieve that bull**** "I did it because I love you more" email. He hasn't given me any real explanation at all. Unlike yours, though, my ex completely ignores me and obviously has no desire to be friends. My best advice for you is to stay in no contact. I really wish I wouldn't have broke it by sending that email - now I'm more confused and in more pain. We both have hopes for reconciliation, but that's ok. We just have to let go and move past the old relationship. We have to be open to new people and new experiences. But love isn't easy and I believe some people just need to be on their own in order to come back and appreciate what they left behind. I hope everything works out for the both of us. We can both take comfort in knowing we treated our exes well - they'll be hard pressed to find anyone who loved them as much as we did.
GingerVixen Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I think your situation is complicate because you've been with him for 3 years... and you were one another's first love. So I believe you're both USED TO this relationship. There comes a time in fading relationships when people are not together because of passion or love, but because they're used to the situation. When we spend such a long time with someone our life merges with theirs, our way to see life changes, and soon we have a very different routine than we had when we're single. So when we imagine ourselves single again, we panic , because we feel we couldn't face the world by our own again. Pay attention if you're both not feeling this. I think his email is pure bull****, sorry. I can't take the "you're too good for me, i wanna protect you" excuse. IF YOU'RE TOO GOOD WHY IS DUMPING YOU? Bull****. He's tired of the relationship. He wants to find something new. But I think you should leave him for good. Why? Your story with him is full of obstacles, and what's worse, you both have family issues. Never marry a guy who'll bring family problems in your life. NEVER. So why be with him if there's a great chance your marriage with him would be terrible? Can you imagine the problems you'd have to face because of his family? Do you want this burden? And don't believe that sh*t that love is all that matters. If his family hates you or vice-versa the life of you both will be hell, you'll feel terrible and your marriage will be horrible. Find someone with whom you can write a much pleasant and peaceful story.
Author valeriepm Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 It's just really difficult. I'm at 2 or 3 months now and I still feel horrible. Our families aren't a problem. Their beliefs are fine and they said they didn't have a problem with me over that. My mom is much less controlling than she was previously - which was my ex's problem originally. I just really don't know how to get past this. My entire life has been ripped out and I don't know what to do anymore.
flitzanu Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 you can't force someone to be with you, and you can't force someone to love you. you can either keep questioning why it happened, which isn't changing anything...or you work on moving forward and accept that it happened.
Author valeriepm Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 You're completely right. Knowing why this happened doesn't solve anything or help myself in any way. I'll never understand, and that's ok.
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