Needing a better solution than cheating...

[Realist3]

I don't know how normal it is or not. I do know that it takes two people making the decision to cheat to have an affair, and that doesn't seem to be her position right now.

 

Right now she is struggling with compulsive feelings to cheat. She is just waiting for the green light. How someone is talked down from that ledge I don't know.

 

Maybe someone should channel Pierre. I'm sure he would have a good take.

[Jabba]

To both Jabba and SmokeRat...nothing has happened between either of these men and me. As I said in my first post, I know both of them well enough to know that they would be mortified if I approached them with my feelings.

Ninja'sHusband's suggestion was laughable to me because I know how little self control I have (which I initially discovered during my battle with bulimia), which is why I am seeking advice.

And no, I didn't expect anyone to say "get professional help"...this is a forum for helping people, so it seems kind-of backwards to tell someone to go get help. Regardless, professional help is the solution to my problem.

 

Did you ever actually get professional help for your bulimia? It doesn't sound like you did. (If you did, go back to the therapist who treated you for it--obvious answer--and get a referral.)

 

Whatever solution you came up for for the bulimia sounds like it is now manifesting itself in a different compulsive context (sexual) but I'll bet the root problem is the same and wasn't properly addressed the first time around. If you did have counseling maybe you need a different approach this time.

 

Also, not expecting anyone to suggest professional help as a possible solution (when it's a pretty common place and obvious solution for any sort of psychologically-oriented issue which may be troubleing someone) indicates you are in pretty deep denial about the extent of whatever problem you are dealing with that is causing all of this.

 

It would be a shame for you to lose your marriage over some childhood issue that wasn't properly handled in treatment for your bulimia and is coming out sexually, I don't think any of this really has anything to do with your husband or your marriage.

 

I will guess you had/have some kind of "daddy issue" of a more or less serious nature (distant/absent/abusive/alcoholic father, perhaps?) that was never resolved and you are looking to reconnect with a "father figure" except you are getting your wires crossed and it's coming up as sexual attraction.

 

But then you need to talk to the therapist about this stuff to figure it out.

Edited February 12, 2013 by Jabba

[Jabba]

I must say I am little confused. You start off saying you don't want to cheat, but you seem to suggest that it could be a real possibility. BUT you then say these two men would be mortified if they knew your feeling for them. You may be willing to cheat with them, but it sure doesn't sound like they are ready to cheat with you.

 

Unless you are in the entry phase of serial cheaterdom, there should have to be something of mutual interest expressed for you to have prolonged fanatasies about these two men. To me it sounds like yiou have a crush on both of them at this point.

 

Even if these two guys were to reject an offered opportunity, if she doesn't get to what the real issue is, she will just keep fixating on different men until she finds someone who is open to it.

[SmokeRat]

^

 

This exactly. It'll be a flavour of the month sort of thing.

[StrivingWife]

Thank you all for your encouragement to seek professional help. I have chosen that as my solution.

[SmokeRat]

We're glad to hear that StrivingWife. We really are! Best of luck to you, and feel free to stop by and let us know how you're doing a few weeks or months down the road.

[Chi townD]

And no, I didn't expect anyone to say "get professional help"...this is a forum for helping people, so it seems kind-of backwards to tell someone to go get help. Regardless, professional help is the solution to my problem.

 

 

Well, a lot of us have been here long enough to notice when a problem is a little too big to solve in an advice forum. It doesn't mean we're trying to drive you away. You are more than welcome here to post, ask questions or even to vent your frustrations. People will be here to listen. But, in your situation. It might be wise to sit down with a professional that's been trained to handle your case a little better than random people on a forum.

 

People wouldn't recommend it if they didn't feel it was warranted. We want you to do what's right by your marriage and your husband before anything bad happens.

 

So, keep posting and tell us about your progress!

[Realist3]

StrivingWife,

 

Here is something you can do for free. Spend some time reading through the threads on this board. Witness the pain, agony, and destruction that has taken place because of affairs. You might find boundaries and self control easier to locate after reading some of these stories knowing you are likely headed for the same destiny.

[Ninja'sHusband]

To both Jabba and SmokeRat...nothing has happened between either of these men and me. As I said in my first post, I know both of them well enough to know that they would be mortified if I approached them with my feelings.

Ninja'sHusband's suggestion was laughable to me because I know how little self control I have (which I initially discovered during my battle with bulimia), which is why I am seeking advice.

And no, I didn't expect anyone to say "get professional help"...this is a forum for helping people, so it seems kind-of backwards to tell someone to go get help. Regardless, professional help is the solution to my problem.

 

Note I also said to setup boundaries, that's how you maintain self control.

 

If you think self control is laughable, that's another scary thing.

 

But I agree with counseling. They will help you get your mind into the right zone where you can.....assert self control, because that's really what you need here.

[nofool4u]

3.) I fantasize about cheating. I set up scenarios in my head with specific men that I find sexy. Currently, one of the men I fantasize about is my good friend's husband, whom I see about three times a week because of our kids' extracurricular activities. The other man I fantasize about is my employer, whom I obviously see quite a bit.

4.) When I am around either of these men, it's like I lose my brain. My heart races; I want to jump them. They are COMPLETELY unaware that I feel this way. They are married and completely devoted to their wonderful wives and family, and would be mortified if I were to reveal my feelings for them.

5.) This is a reoccurring problem that I have struggled with for YEARS and have yet to fix. I need serious help. We can't afford counseling, especially for a problem that my husband doesn't know about.

 

The problem is simply this, you aren't the type of person that, deep down, wants to forsake all others. Some people can handle having sex only with their spouse for the rest of their life, others cannot. For the latter, I have to wonder why they get married in the first place.

 

So your H knows you relish the idea of cheating, even though you say you won't do it, many here will tell you that if you found yourself alone with one of these guys, and hundreds of miles away, and one of them made a pass at you, you'd catch that pass and run with it like Walter Payton.

 

Whats worse is, you fantasize and get hot and bothered over your H's friends!! Dangerous ground.

 

If you don't do counseling, then your H is going to be a BH sooner or later.

 

Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can do. I don't believe you will ever lose the desire to bone these men (yes, I know you said you won't, but come on)

 

Counseling is about it, and even then I'm skeptical it can do anything. Its not a real solution, but perhaps the only thing that will work is medication to reduce your libido. In which case your H is screwed going that route too.

Edited February 12, 2013 by nofool4u

[whichwayisup]

3.) I fantasize about cheating. I set up scenarios in my head with specific men that I find sexy. Currently, one of the men I fantasize about is my good friend's husband, whom I see about three times a week because of our kids' extracurricular activities. The other man I fantasize about is my employer, whom I obviously see quite a bit.

4.) When I am around either of these men, it's like I lose my brain. My heart races; I want to jump them. They are COMPLETELY unaware that I feel this way. They are married and completely devoted to their wonderful wives and family, and would be mortified if I were to reveal my feelings for them.

5.) This is a reoccurring problem that I have struggled with for YEARS and have yet to fix. I need serious help. We can't afford counseling, especially for a problem that my husband doesn't know about.

STOP allowing yourself to think and fantasize about other men. Just stop. It's taught and learned behaviour you've allowed yourself to do A LOT, enough to make you wanna cheat on your husband on some level. You can 'unlearn' this behaviour if you truly want to, but it'll take a lot of effort and willpower for you to do it. Decide what is MOST important to you and go from there.

 

Google cognitive behaviour therapy. Read up about it, buy books (since you cannot afford therapy, get ANY book by Dr Burns about anxiety and CBT.) Been there, done that, try this! By Sam Obitz.

 

You really do need counseling. I say, borrow money if you can or start saving up. Sure it can be pricey but this is YOUR life at stake here! Your marriage! Spend less and save your money so can afford to go. And DO talk to your husband about your worries and thoughts, this WILL turn into something if you don't fix it. sexual urges with obsessive thoughts is not a good thing and I know you don't want act upon it so PLEASE do not drink or do any drugs! That will only make your defenses lower and make your judgement suck, especially if you are tempted and your H isn't around.

[whichwayisup]

Hahaha, thanks for your support, but I have no self control. That is one thing about myself I am sure of.

 

Ok, just catching up on the rest of your thread.

 

What you said above, no self control - ALL the more reason to not drink or get drunk. You won't be able to say no if you find yourself in a situation where you can't say no, magnified 100x if you've been drinking.

 

Learn respect, learn boundries, learn self control. Put your husband, your children, your (women) friends, family ABOVE your own needs. Think of others first and the consquences BEFORE you choose to do something you'll deeply regret.

 

Glad to hear you are going to go to therapy. this is the only way to fix this.

[jnel921]

There is nothing wrong with having those fantasies while you are with your husband if it helps you to achieve your goal. There is nothing wrong with finding other men attractive. We are all human.

 

Taking it to the level of reality is just stupid and the wrong thing to do. You claim to be so happy so why mess it up and hurt your husband or your kids for a feeling you can get with your husband or by yourself?

 

Cheating is more than the sex that will last but so many minutes. Remember that and remember that these other men may have spouses and kids they love as well. Those thoughts should not be entertained and acted on.

[road]

Striving I watch tv. I see so many attractive actresses. I say to myself that I would like to date them. I see attractive women in real life and say the same thing.

 

Finding opposite sex people attractive is normal.

 

I do not date them because I am married.

 

I do not see your problem.

 

You walk down the street and look into a pastry shop, a restaurant, dress shop, new car dealer, and see so many things that you want. You do not go in because you know you can not have something just because it looks appealing.

 

As to being horny so often.

 

Simple.

 

Grab your husband by his equipment and drag him off ot the bed room more often.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Striving, Having read your posts I have a question for you. You have said that you enjoy sex with your husband and he fulfills your needs. How regularly do you have sex with your husband? Also you have stated that your husband is a very good man and a good father and provides well for you and the family. If that be so then by rights you should be a very satisfied and happy woman as opposed to so many women who lead traumatic lives with their husbands/ Significant Others. A large number of women live in so called sexless marriages and you can read their accounts under the group heading" I live in a sexless marriage" at the ExperienceProject website. These women would, in my opinion, have some genuine reasons to feel like you since they are sexually and emotionally deprived and are chafing at the bit so to say.

 

In your case it goes against reason for you to feel like this unless there are some serious underlying causes that you are refusing to acknowledge. You have to examine whether you are really and truly in love with your husband or are you just settling for a calm and peaceful married life which is boring and without passion for the sake of your children and because society thinks well of people who, on the face of it, have what appears to be a happy marriage with all the trappings that go with it. Apparently your libido is way greater than your husband's if, after regular sex with him you still feel the need to eye other men. Also, if you were promiscuous during your singleton days then maybe the need for a greater sexual variety continues to haunt you. Also it is a known fact that some women after a few years of marriage suffer a mid life crisis at, or after the age of thirty and this leads them to overturn the apple cart of their stable and seemingly happy marriages and resort to cheating to satisfy their fantasies or imagined desires. Acting on these desires will well and truly bring grief to both you and your family. I think you need to introspect deeply, maybe by following a path of meditation( for which you will find a lot of material to help you freely available on the net) and try and identify the real reasons which lead you to having these fantasy thoughts.

 

One of the ways you can overcome or at least reduce the power of these fantasy thoughts is to channel your physical and mental energies into something like working out or jogging or taking up a hobby that occupies a lot of your mental energy such as, say, painting or music lessons or something else which you might prefer. However the fact remains that you have to proactively engage yourself in finding a solution(which to be very frank you already have within you but which you are refusing to see or acknowledge) and then go about putting it in to practice. Running to counselors is only an escape mechanism and something which only adds to their bank balance but nothing much to your own peace of mind. I guess I am a "Do it yourself kind of guy"!!

 

Short of this I would say that you should consider divorcing your husband and living the single life again and fulfilling all your fantasies in every way possible. Of course you cannot really have your cake and eat it too, so you will have to forego the stability of your marriage and the love and affection of your husband and your family. You will be bereft of an anchor in difficult times and all your lovers will not be able to give you the kind of comfort and tranquility that you now take for granted! You could also ask your husband to agree to an open marriage so that you can satisfy all your fantasies without the baggage of guilt. Of course then you would have to live with the fact that your husband is going to have the same freedom as you and could find some one more attractive than you which could result in your marriage collapsing as it is. These are the choices that you have before you and you alone will have to make the lonely decision as to which of these best suits your situation! Best of luck to you.

[Just a Guy]

I am left wondering when I see a number of people come to this forum to seek helpful advice from the forum population, yet when that advice is given they either do not take it or acknowledge it or ,in many cases, they just go silent. One then doesn't know whether they have taken any of the advice to heart or, because it does not gel with what they desire to see, they just ignore everyone and disappear from the forum just as silently as they first appeared. To me such persons appear to be non serious in finding a solution to their problems.

 

That may be as it is but then a lot of people do take the time to respond with compassion and sincerity and then find that their effort was all in vain. I think that is patently unfair. I may be wrong but I can't help but feel that the whole forum population has been taken for a ride. Just some thoughts!