Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I am the one that's screwed up, why does my husband have to be hurt by it? You're probably right about the emotional detachment. And the answer to your question of "Why" is...I have no idea. Counseling is probably the only way to go. Just thought I'd try a forum first to see if anyone had any wisdom...guess not. Maybe you half wanted someone to tell you that the compulsion was so strong and beyond your control that you were helpless to do anything about it? Pretty much everyone is telling you to go to therapy which is good advice, what else could people tell you that makes any sense? Telling your husband, yes, is an alternative, however it's such a potentially volatile discussion that you would STILL be better off having the discussion amidst the neutrality and safety of a good therapist or marriage counselor. I suspect however based on your saying the marriage and sex with your husband is great and OCD nature of what you're describing that this is something that is coming up from issues you brought into the marriage and therefore individual therapy to figure that out is what is needed. Remember look at the big picture--don't focus on your husband for a second, or the men you are fantasizing about, focus on yourself. What kind of a person do you think you are where you would actually betray your best friend with her husband, even in fantasy? Is that the kind of person you are? Is that the kind of person you want to be?
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 You did not infringe in our forum. The Other Woman/Man Forum is filled with people who have been where you are. They would have more conventional wisdom on how to deal with these emotions, than a forum filled with people who were on the receiving end of the "kick the **** out of life" stick. Try over on that forum, read a few posts, and I'm sure someone will be able to assist you on how to deal with the emotions and triggers. Okay, thanks.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Therapy it is. Sorry I didn't see this when my other post went up. I think you will find a good therapist really helpful in getting some basic insights and strategies about how to deal with this in a healthy manner. good luck
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Maybe you half wanted someone to tell you that the compulsion was so strong and beyond your control that you were helpless to do anything about it? Pretty much everyone is telling you to go to therapy which is good advice, what else could people tell you that makes any sense? Telling your husband, yes, is an alternative, however it's such a potentially volatile discussion that you would STILL be better off having the discussion amidst the neutrality and safety of a good therapist or marriage counselor. I suspect however based on your saying the marriage and sex with your husband is great and OCD nature of what you're describing that this is something that is coming up from issues you brought into the marriage and therefore individual therapy to figure that out is what is needed. Remember look at the big picture--don't focus on your husband for a second, or the men you are fantasizing about, focus on yourself. What kind of a person do you think you are where you would actually betray your best friend with her husband, even in fantasy? Is that the kind of person you are? Is that the kind of person you want to be? You're right. So what do I tell my husband? "Hey, I have a huge issue that I need therapy for....but I can't bring myself to hurt you by telling you about it." How do I handle that?
NotCamelot Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 If you have a church, a lot of ministers are trained at counseling on this subject as well... I mention this as there is no cost for it. Regardless, with the type and strength of the thoughts you are having, you need therapy before the fantasy becomes a reality. In a moment of weakness you could cross a line where you can't go back. If you are truly sincere, and it sounds like you are, get professional help now. I commend you for seeking help before this ruins your marriage! I wish you the best.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 You're right. So what do I tell my husband? "Hey, I have a huge issue that I need therapy for....but I can't bring myself to hurt you by telling you about it." How do I handle that? I think you need to start therapy individually at least a few sessions without necessarily advising your husband you're in therapy and the therapist can help you develope a strategy and even determine whether or not it's appropriate to involve your husband, and if so, how/when/where etc. If you have to tell your husband about the therapy because he sees the bills then I would just tell him "I need therapy for some issues I am having, I don't feel comfortable talking about it." Of course the problem is this might send up a huge insecurity red flag with him. I think have your initial consultation and address this with the therpaist and maybe you can work out a strategy for this.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I would say telling your husband is the second option in all this. Seeking an IC isn't all that expensive, especially if you have a health plan. Most range from $65.00 to $170.00/hr in my experience. The best advice I can give you is find a therapist that can work with you, since lots of therapists promote just rug sweeping and milking your hour.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Oh sheesh guys come on, here it is again. Woman suddenly feels attracted to other males than her husband OMG WTF!?:rolleyes: She's human. I think it's completely normal. What married guy hasn't gone "woah I'd like to do her" when seeing some random woman at the grocery store? It happened to me constantly over my 14 yr marriage\18 year relationship(and I'm not the one who cheated). I don't think she should necessarily deny her feelings, repress them, keep them secret, or feel guilty for them... What she SHOULD do is simply recognize her own vulnerability and setup appriopriate boundaries. Don't go seeking marriage "help" from these guys, don't be alone with them, do get too friendly, etc. Woman are attracted to other people than the one they've chose, just like men are. It's normal, don't freak out, just use self control and everything will be fine! 4
Chi townD Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well, I have to say kudos to you for seeking help BEFORE anything happened. A lot of times, we're here helping someone clean up the aftermath of a betrayal. To me, it shows me that you value your marriage and your family and would do anything to protect them from these feelings that you're having. So, my hats off to you. Well, as some people have stated fantasies are okay to have. But, once fantasies become reality (especially if a third party is involved) that's when people get hurt. It could be your age too. If you're in your 30 or 40's you might be in your sexual prime and wanting a LOT of sexual gratification. Sure, your husband is there to take care of those needs. But, you've been having sex with him for years and it's probably become predictable and routine. Maybe you can think about spicing it up in the bedroom? Introduce toys into your nightly games? Role playing? Watch an adult movie together? Something to make the time with your husband a little different. change it up.. I also agree that individual counseling may be in order. 1
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Oh sheesh guys come on, here it is again. Woman suddenly feels attracted to other males than her husband OMG WTF!?:rolleyes: She's human. I think it's completely normal. What married guy hasn't gone "woah I'd like to do her" when seeing some random woman at the grocery store? It happened to me constantly over my 14 yr marriage\18 year relationship. I don't think she should necessarily deny her feelings, repress them, keep them secret, or feel guilty for them... What she SHOULD do is simply recognize her own vulnerability and setup appriopriate boundaries. Don't go seeking marriage "help" from these guys, don't be alone with them, do get too friendly, etc. Woman are attracted to other people than the one they've chose, just like men are. It's normal, don't freak out, just use self control and everything will be fine! Hahaha, thanks for your support, but I have no self control. That is one thing about myself I am sure of.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 One clarification, DON'T Tell these guys you are attracted to them. .What I meant by the not keeping it a secret part was in reference to the husband. 1
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 And we understand that Ninja, but the issue is she if fixated on them. This isn't some passer by in the street she whistles at. She has recurrent, aggressive sexual fantasies of having affairs with these men. She pleasures herself to their image. That goes beyond what is considered normal.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Oh sheesh guys come on, here it is again. Woman suddenly feels attracted to other males than her husband OMG WTF!?:rolleyes: She's human. I think it's completely normal. What married guy hasn't gone "woah I'd like to do her" when seeing some random woman at the grocery store? It happened to me constantly over my 14 yr marriage\18 year relationship(and I'm not the one who cheated). I don't think she should necessarily deny her feelings, repress them, keep them secret, or feel guilty for them... What she SHOULD do is simply recognize her own vulnerability and setup appriopriate boundaries. Don't go seeking marriage "help" from these guys, don't be alone with them, do get too friendly, etc. Woman are attracted to other people than the one they've chose, just like men are. It's normal, don't freak out, just use self control and everything will be fine! I think you are way off base with this advice. The OP is very concerned about this because she feels it's out of control and she feels guilty and ashamed of it. Telling someone who may have a sexual obsession or compulsion (we are assuming she's not just someone who wants to go out and cheat cause she feels like it, right?) to "just use self control" is about the worst advice you could possibly give to them. In any event maybe your're right, it's just a big nothing, in which case a session or two with a good therapist will give her the reassurance that nothing's wrong.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Hahaha, thanks for your support, but I have no self control. That is one thing about myself I am sure of. Well then you are going to have to figure out the boundaries that are going to keep you safe. Is it so bad that you need to switch jobs? That's a little scary honestly, you are going to run into other people you are attracted to. It's human nature. Probably some comprimise of improving yourself and controlling your situation. I wouldn't trust myself alone with a sexy girl that was coming onto me. I'd probably lose control so I don't put myself in that situation (well...now that I'm divorcing...)
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 One clarification' date=' DON'T Tell these guys you are attracted to them. .What I meant by the not keeping it a secret part was in reference to the husband.[/quote'] I suspect the reason she posted and is so concerned is that probably something is ALREADY happening between her and these guys--maybe something that is in the hazy area between completely innocent and harmless flirtation but could progress farther if she doesn't get a handle on it. I don't think the fantasies would be so intense and hard to control and specific to these two guys unless something in real life was fueling it. Maybe just the repeated contact/proximity to these guys is fueling it, obviously she is sympatico with both of these guys. If so she wouldn't have to "tell them" she's attracted to them--they already know it. As a matter of fact I'd be very surprised if she wasn't having physical reactions to them just by being in near proximity to them. I.e. physically visible signs of arousal--heart rate going up, flushed face, dilated pupils, experiencing feelings of sexual agitation and excitement.
NotCamelot Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Hahaha, thanks for your support, but I have no self control. That is one thing about myself I am sure of. If that's true, then you are on dangerous ground. But, you've taken the first step by coming here. Continue and get professional help.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I have to agree with Jabba on this one. Perhaps it's because I've been burned so badly by my wife, but I have a sneaking feeling something has already happened as well.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well then you are going to have to figure out the boundaries that are going to keep you safe. Is it so bad that you need to switch jobs? That's a little scary honestly, you are going to run into other people you are attracted to. It's human nature. Probably some comprimise of improving yourself and controlling your situation. I wouldn't trust myself alone with a sexy girl that was coming onto me. I'd probably lose control so I don't put myself in that situation (well...now that I'm divorcing...) Switching jobs is probably at best a temporary solution since if the underlying issue isn't resolved she will just fixate her sexual fantasies on the next reasonably attractive male who gets within range of her targeting computer.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I'm an adult but when you mentioned targeting computer the first thought that ran through my head was: PEW PEW LASERZ!
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I have to agree with Jabba on this one. Perhaps it's because I've been burned so badly by my wife, but I have a sneaking feeling something has already happened as well. The posts crossed but her saying "I have no self control" almost with a laugh to it is making me think that maybe things have gone beyond sweaty palms and her heart going pitter patter already. Her first post made it kind of seem like there was no solution and cheating would be inevitable, she obviously wasn't expecting anyone (much less everyone) telling her to get counseling.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Counseling is a great idea, as is talking to a close friend ( female) about you thoughts and why they disturb you so much... I'm not sure talking to a close female friend is the way to go at this point. As I see it, there are two categories of female friend: 1) Faithful wife types, who are not going to listen to her with any sympathy, and probably will view her as a threat; 2) Cheater/enabler types, who will encourage her to follow her worst impulses. One of the guys she is fantasizing about is her bff's husband, I'm not sure that would be a very productive conversation for her to have with her bff.
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 The posts crossed but her saying "I have no self control" almost with a laugh to it is making me think that maybe things have gone beyond sweaty palms and her heart going pitter patter already. Her first post made it kind of seem like there was no solution and cheating would be inevitable, she obviously wasn't expecting anyone (much less everyone) telling her to get counseling. To both Jabba and SmokeRat...nothing has happened between either of these men and me. As I said in my first post, I know both of them well enough to know that they would be mortified if I approached them with my feelings. Ninja'sHusband's suggestion was laughable to me because I know how little self control I have (which I initially discovered during my battle with bulimia), which is why I am seeking advice. And no, I didn't expect anyone to say "get professional help"...this is a forum for helping people, so it seems kind-of backwards to tell someone to go get help. Regardless, professional help is the solution to my problem.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 We are just arm chair therapists here. This site is in no way shape or form a substitute for formal, true therapy. You wanted the best advice, you've received it. Go see a licenses Individual Therapist. You'd be suprised how quickly a married man/woman will get over being 'mortified' when another man/woman comes onto them. That's how affairs start. You've already admitted your lack of self-control, now do something about it. Get help, and you can start on the path of not having to worry about cheating on your spouse.
Realist3 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I must say I am little confused. You start off saying you don't want to cheat, but you seem to suggest that it could be a real possibility. BUT you then say these two men would be mortified if they knew your feeling for them. You may be willing to cheat with them, but it sure doesn't sound like they are ready to cheat with you. Unless you are in the entry phase of serial cheaterdom, there should have to be something of mutual interest expressed for you to have prolonged fanatasies about these two men. To me it sounds like yiou have a crush on both of them at this point.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Seems to be a very serious crush when she's pleasuring herself to the thoughts of them, but more so, she because aroused by the idea of having an affair with them.
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