StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Before I start this post, I need to make it loud and clear that I WILL NOT cheat on my husband. I am searching for a better solution to my issues than cheating. I do not need to be preached at...I need to be offered realistic and helpful solutions. I'm going to try and write this in as little words as possible. 1.) My husband is wonderful. He is a great dad, and he takes care of me and our two children very well. I love him! 2.) Sex with my husband is great - he fulfills me when I need it, and I am satisfied with his performance. 3.) I fantasize about cheating. I set up scenarios in my head with specific men that I find sexy. Currently, one of the men I fantasize about is my good friend's husband, whom I see about three times a week because of our kids' extracurricular activities. The other man I fantasize about is my employer, whom I obviously see quite a bit. 4.) When I am around either of these men, it's like I lose my brain. My heart races; I want to jump them. They are COMPLETELY unaware that I feel this way. They are married and completely devoted to their wonderful wives and family, and would be mortified if I were to reveal my feelings for them. 5.) This is a reoccurring problem that I have struggled with for YEARS and have yet to fix. I need serious help. We can't afford counseling, especially for a problem that my husband doesn't know about. Again, let me reiterate that I DO NOT want to cheat. On the contrary, I need to find a solution for this problem. I've tried all the usual...praying about it, trying to stay focused on what I love about my husband instead of fantasizing about another man, masturbating when I'm feeling lots of pent-up sexual frustration, reminding myself of the inevitable and horrific consequences of cheating, reminding myself of how truly wonderful my life is and how blessed I truly am, etc. There is no one to talk to about this, but I NEED to do SOMETHING to battle this problem. Cheating is not the solution, and I KNOW that there is a legitimate solution out there for me. Please help!
Owl Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 No insult or disrespect intended...have you thought to seek out professional therapy? Someone who can help you figure out why you think like this, and to help you work out how to redirect yourself when you start down that path?
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 This begs the question, are you really satisfied with your husband? You seem to spend quite a bit of time thinking about, and satisfying yourself to the idea of other men. While I understand, this does not constitute cheating in the most formal sense, it is a form of mental cheating. You are replacing your husband with the ideas, thoughts and feelings of another man. Ultimately, that is not acceptable. A solution? Talk to your husband about this, find out why you are having these recurrent fantasies. Maybe there is something that the two of you can do in the bedroom to spice things up. Not trying to sound harsh or anything, but you need to understand the forum board you came too. Sympathy and kind words are not really on the menu when people come here asking for advice on how to not cheat. If you are already contemplating it, even as a fantasy, what's to stop you from finally caving if one of these men takes an interest. Either way, communication is key.
pteromom Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Crushes are normal things. I don't think you have anything to feel badly about in fantasizing about these men in your life. What do these men represent to you? What do you fantasize that they would offer you that you don't have in your current life? Is it about power? Excitement? Escape? Being desired? I think you should put a lot of thought into that. Realize that your fantasies about these men are not based on who they are in reality (as you have no idea what it is like to be romantic with them or have a relationship with them) but are based on your own desires. And then think about how to get those feelings in your real life. Perhaps a romantic weekend in a hotel with your husband. Trying a new hobby/interest. Taking a class in something that lights you up. Being spontaneous. Doing something completely out of your comfort zone, like skydiving. The point is trying to bring whatever feelings you fantasize about having with these men into your actual life. Sounds like your husband is a great guy, so I bet he would be on board with it. And whatever you do, do not flirt with these men or indicate in any way that you are interested. Because that's how affairs start. Be careful. 1
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Fantasy can turn into reality. Affairs start that way, remember that.
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 No insult or disrespect intended...have you thought to seek out professional therapy? Someone who can help you figure out why you think like this, and to help you work out how to redirect yourself when you start down that path? I have thought about professional help - it's too expensive.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 MOST. That is key word. And they don't fantasize to the point the OP is. She lingers on those thoughts, pleasures herself to those thoughts, that's little more than a Man honking his horn as a passing Skirt. She's attracted to the idea of having an Affair with both these men. While she may say she'll never do it, isn't that the first cry most WS's yell when they finally get caught? I never thought I would! Here is a glimpse of the thought patterns that go into an affair playing out for us right here. Either way, she needs to communicate with someone, either her husband or through IC. If not, it's only a matter of time until she caves or something else comes of this. 1
Owl Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well...it may be expensive...but it's likely your only true method to help you stop/cope with what you're going through. You're not likely to find another answer that will actually help you.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 So, for the sake of your marriage, and the sake of your sanity, money is the road block. You came here asking for help, that's the best advice anyone gave give, is to go to a professional and seek their advice. If it was THAT important to you, then I doubt money would daunt you that much. Not trying to be harsh, but we've heard this before from other WS's, that things get in the way, and they really are trying, and blah blah blah...
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 This begs the question, are you really satisfied with your husband? You seem to spend quite a bit of time thinking about, and satisfying yourself to the idea of other men. While I understand, this does not constitute cheating in the most formal sense, it is a form of mental cheating. You are replacing your husband with the ideas, thoughts and feelings of another man. Ultimately, that is not acceptable. A solution? Talk to your husband about this, find out why you are having these recurrent fantasies. Maybe there is something that the two of you can do in the bedroom to spice things up. Not trying to sound harsh or anything, but you need to understand the forum board you came too. Sympathy and kind words are not really on the menu when people come here asking for advice on how to not cheat. If you are already contemplating it, even as a fantasy, what's to stop you from finally caving if one of these men takes an interest. Either way, communication is key. I know it's mentally cheating. Just a thought of it means I've already committed adultery. Knowing that doesn't make anything easier and does not provide a solution to my issue. Talk to my husband about it?? "Hey honey...I fantasize about other men and I need you to help me brainstorm about why and how I can make it stop." Really? I'm not looking for sympathy or kind words. I'm looking for someone who experiences this issue and can help me figure out something proactive I can do to combat this. You're right...there's probably nothing stopping me from caving in if a man shows interest. Which is why I want to stop the inclination in the first place. Different people struggle with lots of different things, and each person has to find a way to combat their struggles. I came to this board to find a way to combat my struggle, because everything I've tried hasn't worked.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It also begs the question, if you need to constantly remind yourself of how wonderful your husband is and how wonderful you life is, who are you trying to convince?
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I'd recommend going to Other Woman/Other Man Forums then. This is for people who's Spouses have committed or are committing Adultery.
96nole Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Is it a case of wanting what you can't have?
Owl Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well...you don't try to find the cheaper/easier way to correct your vision if you need glasses, do you? This isn't any different. You can't fix it yourself. You need to have PROFESSIONAL help, because anything else just isn't going to work. If you choose not to do so because you can't afford it...what's the likely outcome of this going to be? Which is worse...finding a way to pay a therapist, or the alternatives?
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Well...you don't try to find the cheaper/easier way to correct your vision if you need glasses, do you? This isn't any different. You can't fix it yourself. You need to have PROFESSIONAL help, because anything else just isn't going to work. If you choose not to do so because you can't afford it...what's the likely outcome of this going to be? Which is worse...finding a way to pay a therapist, or the alternatives? Can't argue with the vision-correction analogy.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Not looking to start a gender war, but don't most men pretty much fantasize about every woman that passes through their field of vision? No one's telling THEM to 'talk to their wife' because of it. Generally only as interchangeable sex objects (i.e. basically a form of "mental porn"). Women like OP are different--they way she is fantasizing and feels about other men she actually knows, who are close to her, signifies emotional detachment from her husband (although she seems to deny that). Probably her fantasies are so realistic and awesome feeling (enough for her to actually get off to) because there is already at least some mild flirtation or "sparks" going on with these guys. She is spending too much times with or close to these guys which is stimulating her fantasies, and I agree that she sounds pretty close to doing something overt with one or both of these guys. It will start with talking to them about her marital troubles, go out for a drink, a backrub, etc etc.... It's really unfortunate though that her fantasies are so unregulated that she would even use her friend's husband. That's what's kind of scary. If she had a functional moral thermometer internally she would be able to shut down fantasizing about her best friend's husband because of feeling ashamed about it, but instead, she's been running wild with it. If the fantasies were about fictional people or movie stars that she didn't actually have daily contact with it would be of far less concern. The fact that she is compulsively fantasizing and obsessing over real men who are close to her is not good and is a short step to actual cheating if the opportunity presents. Oh and by the way MOST guys do NOT actually masturbate compulsively to random women they meet or even women they know rather well, even if they might "mentally undress" them. These are two completely different levels of "fantasizing."
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 I'd recommend going to Other Woman/Other Man Forums then. This is for people who's Spouses have committed or are committing Adultery. Oh I'm sorry. Didn't mean to infringe on your forum.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I have thought about professional help - it's too expensive. Getting divorced is more expensive than therapy. Look first things first, things can't be perfect in your marriage or you wouldn't be compulsively fantasizing to these guys and actually masturbating to the fantasies. You are emotionally detached from your husband and you need to acknowledge that to yourself. The question is Why? Also if you really want to kill these fantasies "dead" (as you claim) then the easiest way to do it is tell your husband about them. Of course then you will have to address his insecurities caused by the realization that you don't really love him as much as he thinks and you want to claim you still do. It's up to you of course, don't tell your husband, don't get therapy, it's probably only a matter of time before you do what you want to do, not just in fantasy, but in reality, if not with these guys, then some other place holder.
veryhappy Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 How much sexual experience do you have? One solution would be role play with your h.
Jabba Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I know it's mentally cheating. Just a thought of it means I've already committed adultery. Knowing that doesn't make anything easier and does not provide a solution to my issue. Talk to my husband about it?? "Hey honey...I fantasize about other men and I need you to help me brainstorm about why and how I can make it stop." Really? I'm not looking for sympathy or kind words. I'm looking for someone who experiences this issue and can help me figure out something proactive I can do to combat this. You're right...there's probably nothing stopping me from caving in if a man shows interest. Which is why I want to stop the inclination in the first place. Different people struggle with lots of different things, and each person has to find a way to combat their struggles. I came to this board to find a way to combat my struggle, because everything I've tried hasn't worked. You have all the earmarks of obssessive compulsive disorder with respect to this and maybe that's a big part of your problem. You can't help yourself with these obsessions, you have intrusive thoughts, your desperate about it, and your'e so ashamed of these thoughts and behaviors you can't even tell yoru husband about them. This is really no different than if you had a compulsive gambling or compulsive eating problem except it's manifesting itself as a sexual dysfunction. Therapy could really help you 1) understand where the obsession/compulsive is coming from in terms of problems in your marriage--or MAYBE its genesis is from long in your past, maybe it is something from yoru childhood?; 2) develop coping strategies to handle your obsessions and compulsions in a way which doesn't explode your marriage.
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Getting divorced is more expensive than therapy. Look first things first, things can't be perfect in your marriage or you wouldn't be compulsively fantasizing to these guys and actually masturbating to the fantasies. You are emotionally detached from your husband and you need to acknowledge that to yourself. The question is Why? Also if you really want to kill these fantasies "dead" (as you claim) then the easiest way to do it is tell your husband about them. Of course then you will have to address his insecurities caused by the realization that you don't really love him as much as he thinks and you want to claim you still do. It's up to you of course, don't tell your husband, don't get therapy, it's probably only a matter of time before you do what you want to do, not just in fantasy, but in reality, if not with these guys, then some other place holder. I am the one that's screwed up, why does my husband have to be hurt by it? You're probably right about the emotional detachment. And the answer to your question of "Why" is...I have no idea. Counseling is probably the only way to go. Just thought I'd try a forum first to see if anyone had any wisdom...guess not.
KraftDinner Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I think the OP should be commended for wanting to deal with this. And I do think that if the genders were reversed, the reactions would be a little more supportive here. As if men never get fixations with their wives' friends etc. 4
Author StrivingWife Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 You have all the earmarks of obssessive compulsive disorder with respect to this and maybe that's a big part of your problem. You can't help yourself with these obsessions, you have intrusive thoughts, your desperate about it, and your'e so ashamed of these thoughts and behaviors you can't even tell yoru husband about them. This is really no different than if you had a compulsive gambling or compulsive eating problem except it's manifesting itself as a sexual dysfunction. Therapy could really help you 1) understand where the obsession/compulsive is coming from in terms of problems in your marriage--or MAYBE its genesis is from long in your past, maybe it is something from yoru childhood?; 2) develop coping strategies to handle your obsessions and compulsions in a way which doesn't explode your marriage. Therapy it is.
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 You did not infringe in our forum. The Other Woman/Man Forum is filled with people who have been where you are. They would have more conventional wisdom on how to deal with these emotions, than a forum filled with people who were on the receiving end of the "kick the **** out of life" stick. Try over on that forum, read a few posts, and I'm sure someone will be able to assist you on how to deal with the emotions and triggers.
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