4play20 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 This is my first day on loveshack. I just broke up with my gf of 2 1/2 years a few days ago. I treated her like a princess, she was a hell of a nurturer, and we had fantastic sex, but still something was missing for me. We started off great, new young love and what seemed to be a good match. So I pursued it, after 6 months of dating I made her my girlfriend officially (facebook style) and we enjoyed life for a long time together. Mind you, we are both in college and both work. We did not have much time for one another, so all of our freetime was dedicated to the other. Which was very bad for us because we started never doing our homework and barely making it to work on time. Our grades fell, we stopped taking care of our physical appearance, and even got a dog together. We were playing house. I was not ready for all this even though she wanted it all. I just wanted to make her happy. But after a while I noticed that her direction was a direction that I really did not want in my future. So, We built a redundant lifestyle that she was content in but I was suffocating. Anytime I tried to discuss it with her, we would change for 2 weeks then revert back to what we were doing. I began to dislike her simply because I was not enjoying life anymore. No one enjoys work and school, so when they finally get some time away, they would like to do what will help take the stress away, and sometimes, unfortunately, the redundant lifestyle takes a toll on one person because there is no escape from a total redundant lifestyle, while the other is oblivious to the feelings because they enjoy the life they are living and do not want it to change. It isn't something that happens over night that you can just catch and stop. It builds. When that happens it is very hard to turn back and you become confused. In my case, my girlfriend would go to work and school, then come home to me very happy to see her ray of sunshine. but I was dealing with school and work and coming home to a cloud that made me gloomy. There was no sunshine in my life anymore. Everything was numb. I spent 6 months like this having meaningless sex, saying "I love you" with no feeling, not even being able to kiss her the same, and all the while she knows something is wrong and always asks me if I am happy, and I say yes because I am her ray of sunshine and if I am not happy, at least I am making her happy. The problem was that it brought me to a breaking point. I couldnt take it anymore. I hated her for loving me. I was not happy because the life I was living was boring and slow. When we broke up, she cried and begged and pleaded for me to stay with her, even though that I did not want to be with her anymore, even after saying that I did not love her anymore and that I did not want the relationship to continue. I did not beat around the bush, I figured I owed her that much. She gave me 2 1/2 years of her life.. and now we are doing the whole No-Contact thing and I like it because it helps me not think about her, and if we were to start having sex again we would probably get back together and I would be just as unhappy (oxytocin is a magical thing), but I have gotten texts and calls from her friends and family, telling me how much of an a**h*** I am and how I am a piece of s*** for breaking her heart.. why? why am I the *******? I know I pulled the rug out from under her, but I explained to her that I was unhappy and had been unhappy. All of a sudden, I am hearing stories of how I cheated and things that were simply not true. I figured I was doing her a favor by letting her go instead of stringing her along anymore. I was stealing away her good years because I wasnt happy with her. I knew that 10 years down the road I did not want to be with her. I would have hated to have kids and been miserable like that simply because we didnt work, and if i divorced her then, shed be mid 30s passed her prime. So my question to all the people out there who were dumped by people like me, why are we the a**h***s? We give you an opportunity to find someone who will appreciate you for who you are instead of continuing an exhausting charade. I would love to hear this answer because I have wrapped my mind around this subject constantly and I would love to discuss it with some people.
H3Drvr Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well...you broke her heart...of course you're gonna be labled the bad guy even if you believe you were doing the best thing for her. Did you expect her, her family and friends to congratulate you and thank you for placing their friend/daughter in a sad state of mind? She has to now accept the fact that you are no longer together. You being labeled the azzh01e is the trade off you get for your freedom. At this point, she owes you nothing and you owe her nothing. I say just live with the label (for some time) like she has to live with the heartbreak for some time.
CautionaryTale Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 You're the a--hole because you hurt her. Her friends and family have to watch her crumble and the cause of that was you. So yes, you are the a--hole. They're there for her, not for you. They're on her side (As they should be). Ignore and plunge on. You did the right thing. Staying in a relationship solely to make someone else happy is wrong. It wouldn't have worked out long term and you checked out a while back. I think the fact that you stuck out your decision shows you have some character, but you really should have done this before you lost all feelings for her. However, that's life and what usually happens. I've been there, one of my exes didn't want to break up, I did. We were both unhappy for months and months. Both tried to change for the other, that would last a couple of weeks and then - bang. Back to square one. I got tired of it and finally said enough. He was devastated and angry that I wouldn't keep fighting but, I couldn't. I think the only difference was that he did not view me as his "ray of sunshine" neither of us were thrilled to come home to one another. I understand where you're coming from, but right now she doesn't WANT to find anyone else, she wants you. I've been there too. Honestly it's even a little more hurtful to hear those fateful words "I want you to find someone who will appreciate you." It's a life sentence feeling. It's knowing that you're really over her because she sure as heck doesn't feel that way and the idea of seeing you with someone else probably kills her inside. Knowing that you don't care if she were to date someone else isn't comforting, or nice, it's mean. It's essentially telling her that after being with her for 2 1/2 years she means nothing to you anymore after only a few days. That's really not a nice feeling. I think you did the right thing by leaving her but I also hope that you see you're acting as if she means NOTHING to you right now. After 2 1/2 years you don't seem to be hurting AT ALL. That's gotta sting her a lot and I understand that completely. You seem just relieved she's gone. I'm sure you can see the huge slap in the face that is. If you were that unhappy, you did the right thing. Don't reply to anything and give fuel to the fire. Leave it and her alone. That's what she needs. If you respond it only gives her hope where there is none. She'll be just fine eventually and WILL find someone who actually wants to be with her.
Njeanne Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 You got suffocated in the relationship, because you felt it was work here, her there, and no 'own time'. You also said you something felt missing, was that on last part of relationship or at the dating phase? If it were dating phase, then I am sorry to say but yes that would make you a ******* in a way, because that feeling of missing will never go away. Best thing is yes "no contact" for her to heal and you to forget, but it is possible that you only became suffocated/bored in you might at one point miss her and want her back, I read it enough and heard it happening, though, no one can predict the future. All I can say is, yes people will think you are because you hurt someone. Do not worry about that, it's normal, you can't stay in a relationship solely to make one person happy, that's time you have to be selfish and think of your own happiness.
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