Whatsleft13 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 To make a long story short, I left my husband in August, due to me thinking he was having an affair with an old HS love. He states that nothing was going on, but now they are on again, off again. I've been standing for my marriage, hoping that he just needed sometime to himself. To figure out his "what ifs", he has came to me for sex a few times and lately he tells me that they fight all the time. He tells me that he has feelings for her, but he crys to me and keeps coming back. Does he still want me? Or is he just keeping his options open? I'm a christian woman and believe you only get married once. I love him with all my heart and believe that we are supposed to be together. What are your thoughts??
Cali408 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Don't have sex with him under any circumstances. He's playing you when things are bad. You need your space. Give him an ultimatum of no contact. Tell him, he speaks to her anymore, the marriage is over. You need time, not him. Make him prove he wants you, not come crying back when he has a tiff. Don't be warm to him, but don't be cold. Don't call him, just have conversations in regard to matter of fact things. Bills, kids, etc. Be a challenge, don't lay down. 3
jf2good Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) He still wants you and keeping his option open both are correct at the same time. Did you go to marriage counseling first before you decided to leave him for his romance with his HS sweetheart? It probably wasn't even an real affair, but your leaving gave him a green light by leaving, sorry to say. Even if he dumps his old HS sweetheart and comes back to you, he will stray again as there were unresolved issues with your marriage in the first place. However, if you BOTH can resolve these issues together your marriage has a chance. He wants what he is use too, he wants his comfort zone, but it is uncomfortable now for the both of you and it will never be the same. It could be better or worse. Since he is afraid of the worse, he is keeping his options open. The problem is 2 wrongs don't make a right. Both wrongs him having an affair and your leaving are not equal. He needs to make the biggest concessions if he wants the marriage to work. You need to be straight forward with him about this. But you will need to forgive him, even "Christians" fail miserably with forgiveness. Can you truly forgive him and not be resentful and hold this affair over his head. I am not saying to be forgetful, that would be a green light for him to cheat again. You can't do as Cali says about demanding he doesn't speak to her anymore. He has to choose, and if he truly wants to choose his marriage he would choose on his own to break if off and never see his HS sweetheart again as he would be ashamed of what he did to you. You forcing him to choose, is not his choice. You can clearly state the facts that you love him and if he loved you truly he could only make the right choice never to hurt you again and be romantically involved with another women sexually or not. Your marriage would then need a long term counselor where you openly talked of issues without blame. Marriage counseling where you use the session as an open "blame" session doesn't fix anything. But my advice is worthless since both my wife and I have done none of what I suggested. So I can't prove that is work, but it is what I feel we should have done, because at this stage I feel it is too late, too many mistakes have been made to fix it. Hopefully yours is not too late since at least one of you wants to keep the marriage or so you say, his behavior indicates he may be willing too, but has no clue what to do and as a man we usually don't. We just want Sex, a clean home, a warm bed, a good meal, and a wife who doesn't nag and blame and appreciates what we provide. We want a wife who takes care of herself enough so that other men wants her, but who is faithful enough we can trust her and only need to worry about keeping the other pack animals (men) in line. Edited February 12, 2013 by jf2good
LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 He still loves you, but doesnt know what he wants anymore. it's been a long time since the seperation, time to stand up for your dignity and tell him "me or her?" NO MORE SEX!!!! he is cheating on himself and his feelings! he is still turn between things, he needs to know that he cant have both women in his life! take some time out from everything and make yourself a better person inside and out, chances are he will see how happy you are and will want you back! go and get sexy and make him see what he is missing, next time he comes over, sure be there for him lissten to him but dont give into temptation! 1
Author Whatsleft13 Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Thank you for all your input. It has helped a lot. Yes, I have asked to go speak to someone and I have been myself. I have read every marriage, self help book and have been reading the Bible daily since August. I'm very confortable with myself and what I want from my husband. I also have learned all my mistakes I have made in my marriage and is very willing to fix them all. Of course it will take a lot of help and time. I have forgiven him for the affair, and I'm willing to look past it and move on and be happy again. He just can't get her out of his head, even though she is not really responding to him much anymore. (physical or emotional) As far as taking care of myself, Since I've been gone I've lost 30lbs. (not by choice) But now down to the weight we were when we got together. I have colored my hair the way he always suggested to try. I'm working out and getting tone. He says I look great when he sees me. I just need to learn to be "distant" from him and not be so THERE everytime he needs me or calls/text. That is the hard part for me, because I want to talk to him as much as I can. 2
Cali408 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 That's great to hear. Being a Christian woman, show him the biblical passage about cheating in Proverbs. Powerful stuff. Then ask him if he wants to be on the road to hell. The road to hell is scattered with men and women leaving good marriages looking for greener grass. I'm sure they find it, by the septic tank because you know what that is filled with.. I do think he needs to make a choice. It's completely selfish on his part to have you hanging in the wind. He wants his cake and eat it too. If he chooses his old flame, well, he's made his bed, leave him. Once he sees that haste makes waste, he'll realize the mistake he is making. I know, I have been in that situation and was ready to leave. It took all of 24 hours of deep thinking to realize I was making a mistake, and I was hell bent on leaving. Don't beg, plead or anything. If he chooses her, tell him, he'll be hearing from your attorney. you have to be a challenge here. It's fantastic to forgive, but keep your dignity. You are an important and incredible person. We all are and should be treated as such. God bless you.
aMguilts Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 the `bible` will NOT help you at all from what i remember of my cOE schooldays, god helps those that help themselves? Its a contradiction aM
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