Theonlyone7 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I have posted on here one time before. We are both married and we had an affair...he moved away due to getting a job elsewhere so he and his W moved. Neither of us wanted to stop seeing each other, but it had to happen as he was moving away. I saw him the night before he moved and that was it, I've heard nothing...it's been eight months of nothing. I feel like I'm insane for even still thinking about him, let alone missing him and hurting. I feel like I meant absolutely nothing...he so carelessly just never spoke to me again. How could I feel so strongly and he not care at all? It's driving me mad! I guess I feel I had no closure, it all happened so quickly and he was gone. It feels pathetic that I am even writing this. 1
angelofdarkness Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 >>I have posted on here one time before. We are both married and we had an affair...he moved away due to getting a job elsewhere so he and his W moved. Neither of us wanted to stop seeing each other, but it had to happen as he was moving away. I saw him the night before he moved and that was it, I've heard nothing...it's been eight months of nothing. I feel like I'm insane for even still thinking about him, let alone missing him and hurting. I feel like I meant absolutely nothing...he so carelessly just never spoke to me again. How could I feel so strongly and he not care at all? It's driving me mad! I guess I feel I had no closure, it all happened so quickly and he was gone. It feels pathetic that I am even writing this.<< It's hard to get over a relationship when you're already in a relationship. This is what I believe is the main reason it's been 8 months and you still can't get over him. I'm going through the same thing. It's also been 8 months since my OM and I split and I can't seem to get over it. I haven't heard a word from him either and it's made me believe he never loved me or never cared. It's hard because I can't mourn or talk to anyone about it because it was a secret. Healing will take some time. Don't try to rush it. It will get better. Just shake thoughts of him away, don't entertain the memories. It's over. You need to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Try and reconnect with your husband. That's actually helped me in a lot of ways. 1
Author Theonlyone7 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Yea I definitely think it's hard because we have to go through it alone because of it being a secret. I still feel like I just want to pick up my phone and see a call, text, email...something! I thought for sure by now he would be the furthest thing from my mind, when in fact it's quite the opposite. I just want to know if it was actually easy for him or if he still thinks about me at all. Silly, I know. It's ironic and just odd that he happened to move states away and it's a town my best friend lives in. I will be there a few times this year for her wedding and just because. Idk just being in the same area will make me think of him...irritating lol 1
angelofdarkness Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I reached out to my OM and he was polite, said he'd give me his new number once he gets a cell phone, said he loved me, and that was it. We had some small email chat then he just stopped writing and I was hurt all over again. Please don't do that to yourself. You'll just prolong the pain. I know you might want to reach out cause maybe you'll get a chance to see him while your in town for your friend's wedding, but if you do that, you'll be thinking of him for another 8 months or maybe a year. And I don't think he'll be leaving his wife anytime soon. What you've got right now is a fantasy in your head: he'll see me, we'll talk, make love, make plans to see each other again, but in the end, you'll just go through the same type of withdrawal. And now he lives far and it's complicated to continue a relationship like that. As much as it hurts, you have to continue NC. 3
Cali408 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Here is the good news. He is doing you a HUGE favor. He has moved away and is focusing on his wife. You should focus on your husband. Been there, it stinks, your ego is bruised, and you want closure. Think about your husband and his wife. Do you really want to hurt people? Don't stalk him, leave him alone. 3
chaser0195 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I'm probably the last person that should be giving advice as I'm still not over my mm but you really need to move on. I feel your pain on no closure but reaching out to him will only make you desire even more contact and since he's in another state how will you see each other? Phone conversation may be fulfilling for a while but you will eventually want more and unless you can travel back and forth then you will never get that. Why was it you chose to have affair? 1
angelofdarkness Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 What do you think is lacking in your marriage right now? What things do you think you could do with your husband to live in harmony? Because you wouldn't be mourning this relationship if things were good. If it's been this long and you still can't seem to shake your OMM off maybe you might want to consider ending your marriage. Totally up to you, of course. But it seems your really unhappy. 1
Author Theonlyone7 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Trust me, I will NOT be contacting him for the sake of saving myself the embarrassment. If he's not contacting me, it's clear he wants nothing to do with me, so I am definitely not doing that. As far as my marriage...things were never horrible between us. We have our problems, of course, but I do not want to end my marriage. The thing was that I did not intend to have such a connection with my OM and I felt it's something that doesn't happen very often in life. We were not intimate and just friends for a long time before anything happened...although I know we were both extremely attracted to each other (obviously) so one day we crossed that line... I do want to move on- I just wish I knew how he felt. It's hard to think that he doesn't care about, never did, and just moved on without an ounce of pain. I want to know I'm not alone with these feelings. 1
Cali408 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Here's how he felt. The emotional affair the two of you had was affecting his life. When he moved away, he moved on and nipped it in the bud before it became physical or got caught. Quit while you're ahead.
chaser0195 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I think it was Pierre that said that the affair partners DO love their AP. OR at least have feelings for them but maybe his line of thinking is that even though he does feel this way about you , there is no reason to contact you and stir up emotions because you live so far away and you can't see each other anyway.
movingon45 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's hard to get over a relationship when you're already in a relationship. This is what I believe is the main reason it's been 8 months and you still can't get over him. I'm going through the same thing. It's also been 8 months since my OM and I split and I can't seem to get over it. I haven't heard a word from him either and it's made me believe he never loved me or never cared. It's hard because I can't mourn or talk to anyone about it because it was a secret. Healing will take some time. Don't try to rush it. It will get better. Just shake thoughts of him away, don't entertain the memories. It's over. You need to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Try and reconnect with your husband. That's actually helped me in a lot of ways. Same with me! It's been 6 months. That's what makes it harder with affairs. You can't vent on anyone! You're on your own. Closure needs to happen even without him. Hang in there.
movingon45 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 As much as it hurts, you have to continue NC. That's true. Break the NC and you're back to square one. Happened to me! Addicting.
Lillyfree Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Trust me, I will NOT be contacting him for the sake of saving myself the embarrassment. If he's not contacting me, it's clear he wants nothing to do with me, so I am definitely not doing that. As far as my marriage...things were never horrible between us. We have our problems, of course, but I do not want to end my marriage. The thing was that I did not intend to have such a connection with my OM and I felt it's something that doesn't happen very often in life. We were not intimate and just friends for a long time before anything happened...although I know we were both extremely attracted to each other (obviously) so one day we crossed that line... I do want to move on- I just wish I knew how he felt. It's hard to think that he doesn't care about, never did, and just moved on without an ounce of pain. I want to know I'm not alone with these feelings. this is not exclusive to affairs, it's applicable to any relationship breakup. he hasn't contacted you - see that as his response to your question. interpret it in the way that gives you the closure you're after and helps you move on. since you want to stay with your H, invest in him completely, mentally and emotionally.
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I also agree that it’s harder to move on from an affair because you can’t vent to anyone as it’s a secret. Also because it’s a secret, it’s almost as if it never happened in a way, on the surface anyway. And because you’re already in a relationship, nothing else really changes, again on the surface, so all your routines remain the same…and in fact, everything remains the same, except that everything’s so different inside your head. It’s very hard. Lonely. Empty. I’m also not over my ex-MM, although it’s only been 2 months since he left me. I also second the notion that just because he left and there has been NC does not mean he never loved you. If he didn’t love you he wouldn’t have been with you in the first place. I know my ex-MM loved me deeply, but it was within the affair BUBBLE. Pierre first mentioned this to me when I joined here and it makes perfect sense. They love you incredibly, are intensely in love with you, and really do mean what they say and feel, but…if for whatever reason it ends, they move on, and it’s not easy or effortless. Just because they don’t talk to you again doesn’t mean it’s easy for them. It’s just they feel it’s the only way. They can’t be with you anymore, so…the bubble bursts and back in their real life, you don’t really exist apart from in their minds… 2
thefooloftheyear Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 If he's not contacting me, it's clear he wants nothing to do with me, so I am definitely not doing that. . Hmmmm... Maybe he's gone "no contact" because he is hust trying to get over it the best he can. He might miss you and want you immensely, but any contact will just open wounds. This is the thing about the "no contact" rule that is puzzling. People assume that no contact means they dont care. I dont get it. Best to you on dealing with this. I know it must be very hard... TFOY 2
SunshineToday Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Well I went NC right after Dday. And it did too mean I didn't care. I was too busy trying to fix my relationships with the people I did care about. NC for me, meant I'm done. It wasn't real. I care way more about saving my marriage then I ever did about you. (the OM)
kamani Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Take it this way. He really cared for you as well as himself. He didn't want to keep you as a sidedish and he didn't want himself to be like that. If he really cared for you and loved you he can't ruin your happiness and marriage. At last, what he is doing is respectable. I've never had an affair. However I have stopped myself from crossing the line because I'm married and did really care for him.
HeartWon'tHeal Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 It's been 1 1/2 years for me and it has gotten easier. My counselor said getting over an affair is like having a hangover and my was a whopper of a hangover. I have been feeling down the last couple days since Valentine's Day is tomorrow. For the most part I have moved on but when certain holidays or dates come around the memories come back. 1
half_ofa_heart Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I like to think about it like this... his NOT contacting you is the LOVING thing to do. He doesn't contact you because he knows he cannot give you want you want and DESERVE. Contacting you would open those wounds that have already been healing for 8 months. It's not worth UN-doing all that you have done for the better. As I type this, I am saying it to myself as well. Whether or not it's the truth... its better to give your broken heart a break and believe what is easier on the heart because the fact of the matter is, you will never ever know for certain if he cared because only he knows that and if he isn't willing to give you want you need/deserve, its irrelevant. Give your heart a break and believe he cares and is doing the best for both of you.
Elfie Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I do want to move on- I just wish I knew how he felt. It's hard to think that he doesn't care about, never did, and just moved on without an ounce of pain. I want to know I'm not alone with these feelings.[/b]QUOTE] I might be wrong, but it might be better for you to NOT know how he felt. If he still cares, you will be in torture wanting to see him and this will prevent you moving on; being far away will make it worse for you too as you can't find out or do anything constructive with him, and you deserve to heal yourself. If he said he felt nothing/wanted to end the A, that would also be difficult for you to come to terms with. Or, he may be really struggling to get over you, and come to terms with missing you too, but prefer not to say. Where you say it's hard to think he doesn't care, never did and just moved on without an ounce of pain - could this just be you choosing to think that? please don't torture yourself with things that can't ever be proven, it'll make it harder for you. Hope I've not upset you - hugs 1
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