Not so serious boyfriend

[AlisaMarie]

Okay, so I have been in this relationship of over a year now. Things started off hot then faded after a couple months. He wasn't inviting me into his world... only coming into mine. After 6 months I told him this just wasn't for me and I called it quits.

 

We ended up talking again, and realized how much we actually care for eachother. He said he didn't plan on having a relationship but will consider being my "boyfriend" because he doesn't want to lose me.

 

That was in August.

 

Since then, I have met some of his family and even went away for a weekend with him. I have yet to meet any of his friends.

 

Recently, I noticed there were restrictions on his facebook. He asked me if I saw a pic of him and his buddy and I said no- then when I checked, I couldn't view it. I asked him why and he acted confused.

 

Turns out he blocked me from tagged things. I asked him to unblock me and he said he was just preventing fights (pics with him and another girl.) I am really confused. He hangs out with other couples and females but not once have I been invited.

 

Last week, he went out with a group of people (girl in pic being one of them) and didn't tell me about it. Last night he explained he was doing the same thing with a group of friends so I said I want to go! He said I wish you could. I said I can? He explained that it was mostly guys going but I was more than welcome. I said next week! He started thinking of a million reasons of why I shouldn't go. As I creeped on fb, I saw that there were actually more girls than men on this outing. I am hurt. I don't want to be the side thing anymore.

 

How do I talk to him about this without sounding like a crazy a-hole? Or do I even bother and just find my self worth and move on?

[MidwestUSA]

Your last sentence. Move on. FB claims another victim, or it did you a favor. Take the favor and best wishes!

[AlisaMarie]

Your last sentence. Move on. FB claims another victim, or it did you a favor. Take the favor and best wishes!

 

Yeah, the whole fb thing is quite immature... However, take that all away he is still shady with me. I don't like it.

 

Could there be something more? Am I over reacting?

[Leigh 87]

Hey there, you want to fight for your self worth! Do not let some lovey dovey feelings for this guy rob you of that!

 

You know you would rather have your self respect and self worth intact, than throw it away over THIS guy, who you are not even deeply invested in yet!

 

He may like you! Just not enough to make you his only fo focus point when it comes to women:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Don't be down. Remember, you either have the spark with someone or you don't; this guy your seeing, he could fall for a less attractive less cool girl than you, and fall in love with her and be happy to show her to all hsi friends!

It comes down to his emotions for you; are they strong enough to compell him to bring you into his world?

 

.......................................................

 

 

And on a different note, my boyfriend did not want to advertise that we were boyfriend and girlfriend right away; we were exclusive, but wanted to be sure we had a long term future before telling all our friends that we had a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

He still introduced me to his friends: his best friends after a month, and the rest of them after about 4 or 5 months...

 

He talked about me to his friends, but did not want me to come along to events with him.

 

He liked keeping his own private world to himself, and to only introduce a girl who he was with for the long term future... not some fling he saw for a few months, and then get quizzed about why they broke up....

 

His friends were so immature, that they even made fun of the fact he HAD a girlfriend, as he had never had one before besides 17 year old flings that fizzled out before any of his friends knew.

 

............... People have their reasons for not wanting to mix you with their friends, but his strange behaviour about wanting to block you from tagged pics says it all.

 

..............................................

 

Pick yourself up, and just walk away from this situation. The sooner you do it, the better you will feel about yourself.

 

You know what the right thing to do is....

 

Surely you believe that your worthy of a guy who would want to at least be exclusive with you?

[AlisaMarie]

Hey there, you want to fight for your self worth! Do not let some lovey dovey feelings for this guy rob you of that!

 

You know you would rather have your self respect and self worth intact, than throw it away over THIS guy, who you are not even deeply invested in yet!

 

He may like you! Just not enough to make you his only fo focus point when it comes to women:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Don't be down. Remember, you either have the spark with someone or you don't; this guy your seeing, he could fall for a less attractive less cool girl than you, and fall in love with her and be happy to show her to all hsi friends!

It comes down to his emotions for you; are they strong enough to compell him to bring you into his world?

 

.......................................................

 

 

And on a different note, my boyfriend did not want to advertise that we were boyfriend and girlfriend right away; we were exclusive, but wanted to be sure we had a long term future before telling all our friends that we had a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

He still introduced me to his friends: his best friends after a month, and the rest of them after about 4 or 5 months...

 

He talked about me to his friends, but did not want me to come along to events with him.

 

He liked keeping his own private world to himself, and to only introduce a girl who he was with for the long term future... not some fling he saw for a few months, and then get quizzed about why they broke up....

 

His friends were so immature, that they even made fun of the fact he HAD a girlfriend, as he had never had one before besides 17 year old flings that fizzled out before any of his friends knew.

 

............... People have their reasons for not wanting to mix you with their friends, but his strange behaviour about wanting to block you from tagged pics says it all.

 

..............................................

 

Pick yourself up, and just walk away from this situation. The sooner you do it, the better you will feel about yourself.

 

You know what the right thing to do is....

 

Surely you believe that your worthy of a guy who would want to at least be exclusive with you?

 

Thank you for sharing your story! I don't even think it's facebook so much, more that it's been over a year and I still don't have a title. Also, it makes me wonder if he's hiding me from them?????

 

He calls them his friends, but what does he call me to them?

[AlisaMarie]

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Please tell me how you handled it.

[Leigh 87]

Thank you for sharing your story! I don't even think it's facebook so much, more that it's been over a year and I still don't have a title. Also, it makes me wonder if he's hiding me from them?????

He calls them his friends, but what does he call me to them?

 

 

Over a year - he should be proud to call you his girlfriend.

 

Hiding the facebook tags from you alone, due to the girls in the pictures, SHOULD BE ENOUGH of a dealbreaker to any person who has a high level of self respect.

 

There would have to be some big religious or cultural issue that hindered the getting together of you and his family, in order to warrant his actions thus far.

 

...My boyfriend was pretty apprehensive!

 

The typical type who did not like "labels", and " wanted to just see how it goes" without going around and telling ANYONE I was his girlfriend, but rather just " some hot chick I am hooking up with, cos I dont like relationships"

 

It was in pretty bad taste what my boyfriend told people, now that I think about it, but he played it down because they thought it was amusing that he even HAD a girlfriend, given his was perpetually single!

 

 

........ Even my boyfriend could only play it down for so long though.

 

He wanted to travel the world, and I wanted to focus on college and making new friends and that sort of thing.

 

Yet it does become obvious where things are going, even in the types of guys like my boyfriend, who do not want to settle down from the outset.

 

We were calling each other bf/gf after about 6 months.

[Treasa]

Once upon a time I let guys get away with treating me like this. I did it because they convinced me I was paranoid, jealous, insecure, whatever. I stopped listening to my gut feelings and started letting myself be brainwashed by these morons.

 

My current boyfriend wouldn't dream of doing that to me. He is a completely open book. He's so open that I don't EVER wonder what he's doing when we're not together. He has told everyone about me and is very openly sweet to me in front of people.

 

Cut this idiot loose. If your instinct is telling you something is wrong, something likely is.

[AlisaMarie]

I am very frustrated. Yes, he explained that he is the type to take things slow. I understand that completely. I just feel that it's at my expense and he doesn't realize how much his actions and shady way are taking me down. I've been through many crappy relationships so I am no idiot to that gut feeling. I have never been wrong- although, I wish I had been, many times.

[Treasa]

I am very frustrated. Yes, he explained that he is the type to take things slow. I understand that completely. I just feel that it's at my expense and he doesn't realize how much his actions and shady way are taking me down. I've been through many crappy relationships so I am no idiot to that gut feeling. I have never been wrong- although, I wish I had been, many times.

 

Listen to your gut.

 

Also, anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth being with.

[AlisaMarie]

Listen to your gut.

 

Also, anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself is not worth being with.

 

Right, I mean if we only had a couple dates that is way different. This has been going on for over a year.

 

It is normal to invite your significant other along! It is normal to hang out on Saturday night! It is normal to ask what you're up to without being defensive. The more I am mistreated and pushed aside, the crazier my mind becomes.

 

It has to be time that I stand up for myself. I am just afraid he won't care... and why should he? He obviously has backups.

[MidwestUSA]

Over a year. Yes, it's normal to be invited, to meet his friends, his family. There should be no secrets. You are perfectly logical in your expectations, go find someone who appreciates you, and welcomes you into all aspects of his life.

[Leigh 87]

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Please tell me how you handled it.

 

 

After 3 or 4 months I said

 

" if your not going to admit we are even together (his best friend asked and he said NO to her) then there are guys who WILL want to be with me, and who will not be afraid to share this information with his friends"

 

He made me very clear that he would not let me leave that house without making it known how he really felt about me.

 

Apparently he felt "gay" saying "yes I have a girlfriend".

 

He had never once said that about a girl before.

 

I told him to get over himself please.

 

.........................................

 

 

I have not always demanded respect from men, or my own boyfriend at times.

 

This is ONE area though, where I needed to know if he was serious about me or not.

 

I soon worked it out....

[AlisaMarie]

After 3 or 4 months I said

 

" if your not going to admit we are even together (his best friend asked and he said NO to her) then there are guys who WILL want to be with me, and who will not be afraid to share this information with his friends"

 

He made me very clear that he would not let me leave that house without making it known how he really felt about me.

 

Apparently he felt "gay" saying "yes I have a girlfriend".

 

He had never once said that about a girl before.

 

I told him to get over himself please.

 

.........................................

 

 

I have not always demanded respect from men, or my own boyfriend at times.

 

This is ONE area though, where I needed to know if he was serious about me or not.

 

I soon worked it out....

 

Do you think I should have a talk with him? One last plea? One last attempt to let him prove to me what I am worth?

[AlisaMarie]

Over a year. Yes, it's normal to be invited, to meet his friends, his family. There should be no secrets. You are perfectly logical in your expectations, go find someone who appreciates you, and welcomes you into all aspects of his life.

 

Right, I need to expect a little bit more. Sadly it steams down to me being a little effing buddy. He's hiding **** from me. It makes me sick.

[MidwestUSA]

Do you think I should have a talk with him? One last plea? One last attempt to let him prove to me what I am worth?

 

You know your worth, and after a year, he should too. Don't plead, don't beg. Let him go. You will just sound desperate. Be the bigger person.

[AlisaMarie]

You know your worth, and after a year, he should too. Don't plead, don't beg. Let him go. You will just sound desperate. Be the bigger person.

 

I just meant lay out my expectations, ask him to change the relationship, not himself- wait for a verbal reaction, then if it's positive, give it a few... see if the change happens.

 

Or just lay it out that the relationship hasn't met my expectations and I am too much of a "girlfriend" type to be wasted on being a bed buddy.

[MidwestUSA]

I just meant lay out my expectations, ask him to change the relationship, not himself- wait for a verbal reaction, then if it's positive, give it a few... see if the change happens.

 

Or just lay it out that the relationship hasn't met my expectations and I am too much of a "girlfriend" type to be wasted on being a bed buddy.

 

I think you know the answer. People don't change. You can call it "changing the relationship", but you're asking him to change, bottom line.

[AlisaMarie]

I think you know the answer. People don't change. You can call it "changing the relationship", but you're asking him to change, bottom line.

 

i suppose the only person that has to change is me. I have to learn how to let go and understand what's good for me. I don't need to hold on to pain... what's the point?

 

I hope that someone goes out of their way someday soon to make me happy... as I do for them.

 

I am tired of these power struggles.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're just a side thing...a glorified FWb...what isn't clear about this? How can this situation even deserve any analyzing beyond that when he's treating you exactly like someone he isn't that important to him...definitely not a GF, the only reason he buckled for that was because he still wanted to string you along while keeping his options open w these other girls...he's clearly hiding them from you and you from everyone esle.

 

He isn't into you...plain and simple, he's not going to bring you around friends and people he's close to like his friends...family is one thing but a friends opinion and critique is different...that's part of his social group. If you put up w this then you failed yourself, you let yourself be treated this way for som ridiculous reason...you settled for being just an otpion and a side thing, you can't make him want more, you can't change how someone feels and what they want from you...but go ahead and beat your head against the wall until you push him too far and get the answers you've always been afraid of ans hoping he would change or things would change.

 

You wasted your time w this guy, try to waste less and earn some respect for yourself or you'll just be someone elses side thing. Remember you could have always walked away, just like you can now...but you won't, and that's you continuing to fail yourself when you know better...you know it isn't right, and you know you'll lose him if you want more because he cleary does not...but go ahead, try and keep forcing it...watch, he's gonna bail anyway, just try not to act too surprised.

[AlisaMarie]

You're just a side thing...a glorified FWb...what isn't clear about this? How can this situation even deserve any analyzing beyond that when he's treating you exactly like someone he isn't that important to him...definitely not a GF, the only reason he buckled for that was because he still wanted to string you along while keeping his options open w these other girls...he's clearly hiding them from you and you from everyone esle.

 

He isn't into you...plain and simple, he's not going to bring you around friends and people he's close to like his friends...family is one thing but a friends opinion and critique is different...that's part of his social group. If you put up w this then you failed yourself, you let yourself be treated this way for som ridiculous reason...you settled for being just an otpion and a side thing, you can't make him want more, you can't change how someone feels and what they want from you...but go ahead and beat your head against the wall until you push him too far and get the answers you've always been afraid of ans hoping he would change or things would change.

 

You wasted your time w this guy, try to waste less and earn some respect for yourself or you'll just be someone elses side thing. Remember you could have always walked away, just like you can now...but you won't, and that's you continuing to fail yourself when you know better...you know it isn't right, and you know you'll lose him if you want more because he cleary does not...but go ahead, try and keep forcing it...watch, he's gonna bail anyway, just try not to act too surprised.

 

No, I completely understand where you're coming from. He has given me just enough crumbs to stick around... My stomach is in a knot and I am pounding my head against the wall. I am not making excuses for him any more. I will be on my way.

[soccerrprp]

No, I completely understand where you're coming from. He has given me just enough crumbs to stick around... My stomach is in a knot and I am pounding my head against the wall. I am not making excuses for him any more. I will be on my way.

 

Good move.

[AlisaMarie]

Good move.

 

Explanation or just cut off? It's been a year, but I have known him for 10- so despite the lack of it working out- I feel I should convey what I want, but not give him an option to change. Just let him know that he's not for me.

 

What do you think?

[Leigh 87]

GOOD GIRL!

 

I do not agree with ninjas point of view a lot of the time, he would probably think that I FORCED my own partner to stick with me, based on what I wrote above about my boyfriend.

That is just how ninjainpygamas thinks - to assume he knows what most men feel.

I do not really agree with most of his opinions, however, he is RIGHT on the money here..

 

 

DONT even give the guy an explanation!

 

 

Sadly, he is only using you for sex and company, and he will not care if you just leave.

He may be a bit like " oh... well I miss hanging chilling with you/watching tv with you:("

He MIGHT miss you on a very VERy superficial basis

 

BUT - there are many men out there who WILL give a damn!!!!!!

 

 

Don't be sad!'

 

Think of it like this: if you demand a bit more respect for yourself, you will NOT put up with men like him for more than a few dates, and will instead, progress to men who actually CARE a lot about you!

 

........ Think about how lovely it will be when you meet a man who treats you really well!

 

Think about how good it will feel when he introduces you to his mates....

 

You ONLY Have stuff to look forward to, providing your willing to only stick to guys who are into you.

 

.........................................

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes and if he makes much of a fuss about it!

[AlisaMarie]

GOOD GIRL!

 

I do not agree with ninjas point of view a lot of the time, he would probably think that I FORCED my own partner to stick with me, based on what I wrote above about my boyfriend.

That is just how ninjainpygamas thinks - to assume he knows what most men feel.

I do not really agree with most of his opinions, however, he is RIGHT on the money here..

 

 

DONT even give the guy an explanation!

 

 

Sadly, he is only using you for sex and company, and he will not care if you just leave.

He may be a bit like " oh... well I miss hanging chilling with you/watching tv with you:("

He MIGHT miss you on a very VERy superficial basis

 

BUT - there are many men out there who WILL give a damn!!!!!!

 

 

Don't be sad!'

 

Think of it like this: if you demand a bit more respect for yourself, you will NOT put up with men like him for more than a few dates, and will instead, progress to men who actually CARE a lot about you!

 

........ Think about how lovely it will be when you meet a man who treats you really well!

 

Think about how good it will feel when he introduces you to his mates....

 

You ONLY Have stuff to look forward to, providing your willing to only stick to guys who are into you.

 

.........................................

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes and if he makes much of a fuss about it!

 

Seriously, you have been amazing. I don't want to be a jerk but I think getting rid of fb and blocking his number is a must. I don't know what I am waiting for- but you are all 100% right. I have wasted enough of my precious time.