Quiet Storm Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 OK, you're going with the premise that she's OK with her weight gain. If that's the case, there is NOTHING he is going to say or do that is going to make her NOT ok with her body. And honestly? If she is truly ok with her body, he SHOULDN'T try! He should just kindly part ways with her, because I don't think it's cool to 'shame' someone into feeling bad about themselves hoping they will change to make to you happy. She deserves to find someone happy with however she WANTS to be. Further, it doesn't work. She might diet for a month or two, but ultimately, she will think, "I was happy how I was. And now I'm making myself miserable FOR HIM! Screw him, there are men who will like me how I was!" And she's RIGHT....there ARE chubby chasers out there. Now, I am going by the premise that she is NOT ok with her weight gain. That she DOES want to change, she's just feeling overwhelmed and depressed and ashamed of her body. If that is the case, I think the thing for the OP to do is HELP her and shower her with positive reinforcement. Cutting her down won't help her. In all my studies, the number one thing I have learned is that when you cut animals down, make them feel low, make them feel hopeless, they DO NOT do what you want them to do. Instead, the just give up and do NOTHING. We called this 'entering a state of learned helplessness.' And this is true from EVERY animal from rats to human beings. We just don't make positive changes in our lives if we're feeling sad. It just doesn't work that way. I think in a long term relationship, it is important to make an effort to meet each other's needs. Sure, he can part ways with her, but he doesn't want to. They have a baby, he is committed to her, and wants to make it work. Long term committed relationships take work. Things aren't happy and perfect all the time. Problems and issues come up, and you work together to solve them. You learn each others "love language". You do your best to meet their needs, and they do their best to meet yours. You communicate problems in a healthy and respectful way. Burying, ignoring, brushing things under the rug solves nothing. I don't think being honest about sexual attraction is shaming. He doesn't have to be mean about it. He can share his feelings, and then she can decide if him being sexually attracted to her is important or not. If she wants to move on to someone more accepting, that's her choice. If she's comfortable with her weight and makes no changes, that's her choice. At least she would have all the facts to make the decision. If she was faking O's, I would advise her to be honest instead of continuing the charade. It wouldn't be wrong for her to state her sexual needs, and she wouldn't be "shaming him" even though the knowledge he can't please her is sure to bruise his ego. If she is so depressed that she can't take positive steps for her own health, then those issues need to be addressed by a professional. Ignoring the problem won't make it better. This could be the catalyst to get help and make a change. Sometimes people need a push, and hearing him say it and encouraging her to get healthy may be the push she needs. I have a coworker that was overweight. Her and her young son were at the pool and the kids were jumping in to see who could make the biggest splash. Her son said "You jump in Mommy, you would make the biggest splash ever!!!" She felt ashamed and embarrased, but that's what it took for her to join Weight Watchers and lose 60 lbs. She didn't wallow in depression, or continue to eat to ease the pain, she took action. Depression is an issue that needs to be addressed. If someone uses food to self medicate, that needs to be addressed. If she does those things, it means her problems are much deeper than "losing the baby weight" and OP should shift his focus to her mental health, instead of her exercise and eating habits.
Janesays Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) I don't think being honest about sexual attraction is shaming. He doesn't have to be mean about it. He can share his feelings, and then she can decide if him being sexually attracted to her is important or not. If she wants to move on to someone more accepting, that's her choice. If she's comfortable with her weight and makes no changes, that's her choice. At least she would have all the facts to make the decision. If she was faking O's, I would advise her to be honest instead of continuing the charade. It wouldn't be wrong for her to state her sexual needs, and she wouldn't be "shaming him" even though the knowledge he can't please her is sure to bruise his ego. First off, saying you're unhappy with the way someone LOOKS is far far far different from saying you're unhappy with what someone is or is not DOING. Your example is a poor one because if she said, "You're not doing this to make me orgasm," that is something he can fix in literally 5 minutes and has nothing to do with HIM, his being, his body, etc. Losing weight is going to take significantly longer than 5 minutes and has EVERYTHING to do with who she is right now, as a person. He says that to her and, even if she's open to it, she CAN'T think, "Oh, that's cool. I'll fix this tonight." She can only think, "OK, I'll try to change, but in the meantime, I'm ashamed and humiliated to be around him. I don't want to be naked in front of him now that I know he is disgusted by me, I can't look him in the eye, every time I step out of my house, I feel so so so self conscience now...." Oh my God, do you REALLY think those feelings are going to HELP or HINDER her to make a positive change in her life? Really? Do you REALLY think that? Apples to oranges, right there. You are suggesting this: Wife: I like my body right now. I'm comfortable and happy with the way I look. Husband: Well, I don't like how you look. Make a major lifestyle changes to suit me. Personally, I think that's morally wrong to do ANYONE, let alone someone your propose to love. The world is a mean and ugly place as it is. I don't think trying to twist other people into images to suit you, FOR ANY REASON, is the right thing to do. It's wrong to take someone who is sincerely happy and confident and knock them down a peg just so YOU'RE happy with them. I think it's much kinder to leave them and leave their self image intact. Which, if his wife really and truly is HAPPY with her body, I think that's what he should do. Leave her. You may disagree, but it doesn't matter. There is no way that above conversation will take place that will result in her making major lifestyle changes to suit him. He can say it mean, he can say it nice, he can say it however he wants....it won't work. The best that can happen will she will diet for a month or two out of fear and shame....but quit and end up gaining all the weight back, plus more. Or she will lose it all out of feelings of fury and anger, realize she deserves better, and leave him. Because baby, the kind of resentment that comes when someone kicks you when you're down and makes you feel bad about yourself NEVER goes away. And that's NOT love. Fact is, we don't know how the OP's wife is feeling about her body because he hasn't come back to tell us. I wish he would. But I disagree STRONGLY with using threats, shaming, or telling people they are lacking in any area is the way to get what you want. It's actually severely counter productive. Imagine this scenario: You are standing before a math teacher after take a very difficult math test that you struggled with. She says: "Number 1: wrong. Two WRONG. wrong. Four is wrong too. WRONG AGAIN. Really, you thought the answer was 3? WRONG. Wrong. Wrong. Seriously....math isn't really your thing, huh? Wrong. Oh wait! There's one right. Finally. Wrong, wrong, wrong and....yep. That's wrong too. Here ya go! F-" Now tell me how you feel. "Wow, I'm more motivated than EVER to learn math and be good at it!" "I suck at math. I hate math. I don't want to do this anymore." As a whole, animals don't become motivated to make positive changes if they are feeling depressed, shamed, or hopeless. Edited February 13, 2013 by Janesays
Chocolat Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Now tell me how you feel. "Wow, I'm more motivated than EVER to learn math and be good at it!" "I suck at math. I hate math. I don't want to do this anymore." As a whole, animals don't become motivated to make positive changes if they are feeling depressed, shamed, or hopeless. This is not an apples to apples analogy. The OP has not indicated that his wife has done anything to change her body, which is equivalent to me walking in to the math test completely unprepared. The only reason to feel #1 above is if you had truly applied yourself to the subject -- listened to the lectures, studied for the test, and so on. That's not what's happening here.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I disagree, Janesays. I'm sorry but let's just be honest. Men are visual creatures. One thing I think the MAJORITY of men fear, is that their woman will get fat over time. It's almost like a lack of respect. "Welp, you aren't going anywhere, I had your baby, so I'm not really going to worry what you think if I just "let myself go". And since I'm already sad about it, and you shouldn't hurt my feelings more, don't you dare say anything about how it's affecting your attraction toward me." It's the equivalent of men slacking off in ways that WE need. Compliments, surprises, support, attention, romance, etc. Men want to feel hot for and proud of the lady on his arm. Call it shallow or whatever but you don't buy a Lexus just to have it turn into a Saturn a few years later (no offense to those of you who drive Saturns ). She SHOULD care about the effect that her laziness is having on her relationship. And he's within his rights to mention it in a caring and supportive way.
Janesays Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 This is not an apples to apples analogy. The OP has not indicated that his wife has done anything to change her body, which is equivalent to me walking in to the math test completely unprepared. The only reason to feel #1 above is if you had truly applied yourself to the subject -- listened to the lectures, studied for the test, and so on. That's not what's happening here. BS. It doesn't matter if you applied yourself or not. You are still going to feel bad standing in front of someone who is grading you and making you feel like you're not good enough. And the OP HAS indicated that the wife has done things to change her body....she's eating poorly and not exercising. THAT is what is changing her body. She's just not doing anything to change her body to SUIT HIM. In a nutshell, we don't know how his wife WANTS to look. And that information right there is paramount to this discussion.
Janesays Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I disagree, Janesays. I'm sorry but let's just be honest. Men are visual creatures. One thing I think the MAJORITY of men fear, is that their woman will get fat over time. It's almost like a lack of respect. "Welp, you aren't going anywhere, I had your baby, so I'm not really going to worry what you think if I just "let myself go". And since I'm already sad about it, and you shouldn't hurt my feelings more, don't you dare say anything about how it's affecting your attraction toward me." It's the equivalent of men slacking off in ways that WE need. Compliments, surprises, support, attention, romance, etc. Men want to feel hot for and proud of the lady on his arm. Call it shallow or whatever but you don't buy a Lexus just to have it turn into a Saturn a few years later (no offense to those of you who drive Saturns ). She SHOULD care about the effect that her laziness is having on her relationship. And he's within his rights to mention it in a caring and supportive way. Oh, we're talking about what's right or wrong here? I wasn't aware. I'm not going to sit here and make moral judgments on either one of them; it's not my place. It's OK for him to want a skinny wife. But it's equally OK if she doesn't WANT to be a skinny wife. This isn't a moral discussion. I'm merely stating what will WORK. Right or wrong is subjective and irrelevant in my line of work. All we really care about are how to get RESULTS. Ideally, the result we wanted and not exactly the opposite. It is totally FINE with me if OP wants to take some of the terrible, horrible, counterproductive advice, if he is feeling "justified" in doing so. I'll just be over with ninjapajamas, hiding being the big rock, waiting for the big KABOOOOOOMMMMM in his face.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Oh, we're talking about what's right or wrong here? I wasn't aware. I'm not going to sit here and make moral judgments on either one of them; it's not my place. It's OK for him to want a skinny wife. But it's equally OK if she doesn't WANT to be a skinny wife. This isn't a moral discussion. I'm merely stating what will WORK. Right or wrong is subjective and irrelevant in my line of work. All we really care about are how to get RESULTS. Ideally, the result we wanted and not exactly the opposite. It is totally FINE with me if OP wants to take some of the terrible, horrible, counterproductive advice, if he is feeling "justified" in doing so. I'll just be over with ninjapajamas, hiding being the big rock, waiting for the big KABOOOOOOMMMMM in his face. Well - you just stated that you don't know if she even WANTS to lose weight, so how are you going to go about getting results she might not even care about? You just kind of proved my point which is - if his wife doesn't even CARE to lose weight, it's a matter of conflicting lifestyles, as the OP DOES CARE to be fit and healthy. And as someone who also cares very much about fitness and nutrition, I'm within my rights to desire that in a partner as well. In fact, it would be a deal-breaker for me to date someone who ate junk food and sat around piling on the pounds. No way. This doesn't make me shallow. It's not all about appearances. It's about lifestyle. Spender vs. saver. High sex drive vs. low sex drive. This is nothing new under the sun. But hey, if she's content with her lazy lifestyle and willing to allow her relationship to suffer as a result - by all means go ahead. This is something that is completely within her control to tackle head-on and people do it every day. Frankly, I think we coddle people too much. You're fat, lazy, and depressed about it? WELL THEN PUT DOWN THE CHEETOS AND GET MOVING! 1
Chocolat Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 BS. It doesn't matter if you applied yourself or not. You are still going to feel bad standing in front of someone who is grading you and making you feel like you're not good enough. Of course it matters! Only a fool thinks she can walk into the test room without having done any work and still do well! And the OP HAS indicated that the wife has done things to change her body....she's eating poorly and not exercising. THAT is what is changing her body. She's just not doing anything to change her body to SUIT HIM. In a nutshell, we don't know how his wife WANTS to look. And that information right there is paramount to this discussion. Right. The fiancee's actions are tantamount to me skipping class, not doing the reading/homework, and generally not taking school seriously. She's created the situation and only she can change it. Assuming she wants to. that's not a given by any means.
Janesays Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Well - you just stated that you don't know if she even WANTS to lose weight, so how are you going to go about getting results she might not even care about? You just kind of proved my point which is - if his wife doesn't even CARE to lose weight, it's a matter of conflicting lifestyles, as the OP DOES CARE to be fit and healthy. And as someone who also cares very much about fitness and nutrition, I'm within my rights to desire that in a partner as well. In fact, it would be a deal-breaker for me to date someone who ate junk food and sat around piling on the pounds. No way. This doesn't make me shallow. It's not all about appearances. It's about lifestyle. Spender vs. saver. High sex drive vs. low sex drive. This is nothing new under the sun. But hey, if she's content with her lazy lifestyle and willing to allow her relationship to suffer as a result - by all means go ahead. This is something that is completely within her control to tackle head-on and people do it every day. Frankly, I think we coddle people too much. You're fat, lazy, and depressed about it? WELL THEN PUT DOWN THE CHEETOS AND GET MOVING! Um, which is exactly what I've said, over and over and over again, through out this thread if you had bothered to read my posts in their entirety. If his wife doesn't WANT to lose the weight, she's not going too. And there is NOTHING that anyone can say or do to change that. He and you are BOTH within your rights to find a spouse that meats your standards....so your option, the ONLY option, would be to leave and find one. You can't take someone and twist them into what you desire. Not unless THEY want to change. Please re-read my posts. I said that so many times that I wish there was a little blue smiley so i can effectively communicate the 'blue in the face' feelings that I have right now. My advice only works under the premise that she WANTS to change.
Janesays Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Of course it matters! Only a fool thinks she can walk into the test room without having done any work and still do well! We're not talking about what the 'fool' is thinking. We're talking about what the 'fool' is FEELING. Feelings are irrational, messy, and all that jazz. Logically, someone might say, "What can I expect? I didn't study." But that doesn't take away their emotions of feeling hurt and humiliated. That doesn't mean they will be MORE motivated to study harder. It's more likely they will just give up altogether. And for the record, I have taken many tests over the years and not done a lick of work and done extremely well. I guess I'm just a really lucky fool.
Chocolat Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 We're not talking about what the 'fool' is thinking. We're talking about what the 'fool' is FEELING. Feelings are irrational, messy, and all that jazz. Logically, someone might say, "What can I expect? I didn't study." But that doesn't take away their emotions of feeling hurt and humiliated. That doesn't mean they will be MORE motivated to study harder. It's more likely they will just give up altogether. I guess we will agree to disagree, as I do not believe that feelings are inherently irrational. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that that's another problem altogether...
Chocolat Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 And for the record, I have taken many tests over the years and not done a lick of work and done extremely well. I guess I'm just a really lucky fool. As have I, but only when I already knew the subject matter. My point was that if I went into a test in a subject I was not already knowledgeable about, it would be irrational of me to expect to do well. Just as it is irrational to think that one can lose pregnancy weight by eating junk food and watching tv.
Quiet Storm Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) First off, saying you're unhappy with the way someone LOOKS is far far far different from saying you're unhappy with what someone is or is not DOING. Your example is a poor one because if she said, "You're not doing this to make me orgasm," that is something he can fix in literally 5 minutes and has nothing to do with HIM, his being, his body, etc. I disagree. If a man found out that his woman was faking her O's, and all the things he thought he was doing right, she was pretending...that would be a huge blow to the male ego. In addition, having a vaginal O is not something most women can teach in five minutes. Some women never have them. And not being able to satisfy her has everything to do with him. Men that love a woman, want to be able to please her sexually, and they get validation from that. The same way women get validation when her man thinks she's sexy. You are just viewing from a female perspective. Losing weight is going to take significantly longer than 5 minutes and has EVERYTHING to do with who she is right now, as a person. He says that to her and, even if she's open to it, she CAN'T think, "Oh, that's cool. I'll fix this tonight." She can only think, "OK, I'll try to change, but in the meantime, I'm ashamed and humiliated to be around him. I don't want to be naked in front of him now that I know he is disgusted by me, I can't look him in the eye, every time I step out of my house, I feel so so so self conscience now...." Oh my God, do you REALLY think those feelings are going to HELP or HINDER her to make a positive change in her life? Really? Do you REALLY think that? I don't think most people are that dramatic. All overweight people are not ashamed and humiliated. Many people just accept the fact that they need to lose some weight, and go on a diet. You may disagree, but it doesn't matter. There is no way that above conversation will take place that will result in her making major lifestyle changes to suit him. He can say it mean, he can say it nice, he can say it however he wants....it won't work. The best that can happen will she will diet for a month or two out of fear and shame....but quit and end up gaining all the weight back, plus more. Or she will lose it all out of feelings of fury and anger, realize she deserves better, and leave him. Because baby, the kind of resentment that comes when someone kicks you when you're down and makes you feel bad about yourself NEVER goes away. And that's NOT love. Fact is, we don't know how the OP's wife is feeling about her body because he hasn't come back to tell us. I wish he would. But I disagree STRONGLY with using threats, shaming, or telling people they are lacking in any area is the way to get what you want. It's actually severely counter productive. Imagine this scenario: You are standing before a math teacher after take a very difficult math test that you struggled with. She says: "Number 1: wrong. Two WRONG. wrong. Four is wrong too. WRONG AGAIN. Really, you thought the answer was 3? WRONG. Wrong. Wrong. Seriously....math isn't really yourthing, huh? Wrong. Oh wait! There's one right. Finally. Wrong, wrong, wrong nd....yep. That's wrong too. Here ya go! F-" Now tell me how you feel. "Wow, I'm more motivated than EVER to learn math and be good at it!" "I suck at math. I hate math. I don't want to do this anymore." As a whole, animals don't become motivated to make positive changes if they are feeling depressed, shamed, or hopeless. I think you have a defeatist attitude. I would not be ashamed or humilated if a teacher said that to me. I would accept the fact that I didn't understand the subject matter, and study harder. Maybe it's something that parents instill in their children, a "never give up" attitude . I know I teach my kids that. I look for little moments to show them. Like the Ravens vs. Denver game. We were down too many points, there wasn't enough time...but they didn't give up and won the game. Not everyone responds to criticism or defeat by giving up. People are not made of glass. You can lose a game, you can fail a test, your boss can criticize your work, your boyfriend can tell you're getting fat. This is life. Your feelings can be hurt, and you can move on without falling apart emotionally and becoming depressed. If you can't, then you have bigger issues, like depression, that can be treated by a doctor. Um, which is exactly what I've said, over and over and over again, through out this thread if you had bothered to read my posts in their entirety. If his wife doesn't WANT to lose the weight, she's not going too. And there is NOTHING that anyone can say or do to change that. He and you are BOTH within your rights to find a spouse that meats your standards....so your option, the ONLY option, would be to leave and find one. You can't take someone and twist them into what you desire. Not unless THEY want to change. I understand that. She has to want it. It's possible that she doesn't want it now because she doesn't realize how much of a problem it is. Maybe if she realized it was jeopardizing his attraction to her, which means it's jeopardizing their relationship, which means it's jeopardizing their little family, then she would start to care. I know I would. I just don't think she realizes the impact her weight gain is having on her relationship, and I think she deserves that knowledge. Edited February 13, 2013 by Quiet Storm
man_in_the_box Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I think it's much kinder to leave them and leave their self image intact. Which, if his wife really and truly is HAPPY with her body, I think that's what he should do. Leave her. But there's quite a big chance that the wife will put 1 and 1 together and realize why her husband left her. What is the husband going to say anyway when he leaves? I'm not sure whether this approach is going to leave her self-image intact.
Author goodmanz Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been thinking about how I might go about this the past few days. There have been a surprising amount of posts in this thread with lots of good advice from different angles, and I greatly appreciate them all guys. After reading all these and going through the different opinions, I've decided I'm going to be honest with her in the kindest way I can. I don't think hurt feelings are really going to be avoidable, so maybe I have to be realistic. I don't want to walk on egg-shells and hint to her changing or try to manipulate her into losing weight. I would feel somewhat disrespectful if I went about it that way. I know that if the tables were turned as much as it might hurt to hear it, I'd rather hear it than slowly have to figure it out for my self. I'd be somewhat annoyed that they didn't just tell me how they felt. I don't think it would be very fair of me to shelter her and protect her from hurt feelings when in the long run I could just end up becoming more unattracted to her. I think I owe our relationship more than being sneaky. Resentment builds and I don't want that. I guess I just needed to hear the harsh truth from others. There's no easy way, so just bite the bullet and tell her how you feel. I think she'll respect me more for that. I'm just going to sit her down and say something along the lines of. "Honey, I love you, you've been a tremendous mother, but we've had time to adjust and I think it's time we made some lifestyle changes together. I need for us to both be active together and be wiser about our eating habits. I'm going to be honest, it seems like you haven't been very motivated and you've kind of been letting yourself go physically. I'm finding it difficult to get turned on because of the lifestyle you've been living lately and I want to help address that. I want us to both have gym time together and make healthy choices as a family so I don't feel like we're living separate lives here. I need for us all to be on the same page, and you know how being healthy and fit is important to me. So can we make some changes together?" What do you guys think? Something along those lines? Technically I'm not calling her fat, because as many of you have said, she's aware of that already and probably doesn't need to hear it.
Janesays Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Good luck with that. My only request is that you come here and keep us posted on how it's going. My prediction is that shell be upset, cry, and then go on a diet. But it won't stick. Shell gain what weight she manages lose back, plus some more. If I'm wrong (and I hope I am), then I'll happily eat crow. Unfortunately, I have about a mountain of research literally sitting on a bookshelf besides me that says you're screwed. But seriously, good luck! 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 "Honey, I love you, you've been a tremendous mother, but we've had time to adjust and I think it's time we made some lifestyle changes together. I need for us to both be active together and be wiser about our eating habits. I'm going to be honest, it seems like you haven't been very motivated and you've kind of been letting yourself go physically. I'm finding it difficult to get turned on because of the lifestyle you've been living lately and I want to help address that. I want us to both have gym time together and make healthy choices as a family so I don't feel like we're living separate lives here. I need for us all to be on the same page, and you know how being healthy and fit is important to me. So can we make some changes together?" Look, I get what you're trying to do here...I really do and I don't believe you're going about this in a way that is disrespectful in your own mind and perspective. I feel that for you this is something you've wanted to get off your chest and express for a long time, now that others have helped opened that door just a little bit more with "support" then that's just just where you are easily going to go. The majority of people here already know what they want to do and are going to do, so the tiniest support someone says in that direction in support of it, you will feel that much motivated...not to mention a lot of support. The other information you listen to but don't agree or want to agree with and possibly not even understand..because that wasn't the route you wanted to go if you're being really honest with yourself. You have to realize that women aren't listening to your words as much as reading into what you are implying with your words....the are deciphering the meaning... It's like saying..."You know...you're beautiful, one of the most amazing women I have ever met........BUT...I'm going to have to move on, but I'm sure you'll be happy because you're so wonderful and have so much to offer, you'll make someone very happy!...just not me." I did that intentionally retarded as I know how men talk Here's what she is going to read and feel.... - I'm fat - I'm unattractive - He doesn't leave me anymore - He's going to leave me if I don't lose weight - He doesn't love me anymore unless I am skinny ALWAYS REMEMBER! women are emotional not logical, so don't talk to a woman and expect her to act like a reasonable human being if she is sensitive or insecure about that particular thing. I have no idea why in the world some people are supporting you on this, I take pity on your poor young manly soul...I have been there myself, I've seen other men there as well...but you must learn how you must learn, so I wish you the best...right now, this probably the best you can do, and you've waited so long that now if you don't express yourself and withhold how you really feel then you're going to do something rash either way, this is what it has come to. "Technically I'm not calling her fat, because as many of you have said, she's aware of that already and probably doesn't need to hear it. " Yeaaahhhh....ya are calling her fatty mc patty. 2
Els Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) Why are you eating separate dinners all the time anyway? I can't think of any other explanation for why you'd personally have a great diet but come home to her eating lots of greasy stuff. Don't you eat together? Seems like this is as simple as offering to cook, then cook healthy food instead of greasy stuff. Teach her the recipes and encourage her to do the same. If she's taking care of the baby alone, then offer to take the baby for a few hours a week so she can go out and exercise. Incidentally, how much DOES she weigh? Or can you post a picture of a random woman with a similar body size? Edited February 16, 2013 by Elswyth 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 No offense OP, but if a man said to me what you are planning to say; it would kill all the love I have for him. You have been warned. 2
xxoo Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Instead of saying all that, why not just go with: I miss how we used to do fun, active stuff together. I miss that playful side of our relationship, and seeing that active, competitive side of you [insert more accurate adjectives as appropriate]. I'd like us to start doing ______ together. What do you think? 4
Els Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 I'm just going to sit her down and say something along the lines of. "Honey, I love you, you've been a tremendous mother, but we've had time to adjust and I think it's time we made some lifestyle changes together. I need for us to both be active together and be wiser about our eating habits. I'm going to be honest, it seems like you haven't been very motivated and you've kind of been letting yourself go physically. I'm finding it difficult to get turned on because of the lifestyle you've been living lately and I want to help address that. I want us to both have gym time together and make healthy choices as a family so I don't feel like we're living separate lives here. I need for us all to be on the same page, and you know how being healthy and fit is important to me. So can we make some changes together?" What do you guys think? Something along those lines? Technically I'm not calling her fat, because as many of you have said, she's aware of that already and probably doesn't need to hear it. Okay, I just read this. I think this is a really bad idea, especially since it seems like you've NEVER talked to her about this before. Think of it as seasoning your cooking - you add some salt, taste it, if it works, great, otherwise you increment as needed. You don't dump the whole packet of salt in wholesale because you can always add, but you can never take away. The same goes with words. So, you start off with "Honey, I think it's time we made some lifestyle changes together. I'd love for us to both be active together and be wiser about our eating habits." Give her the chance to get the ball rolling with you. That might just be all you need. Listen to her if she has any reasons why she can't. "There's nobody to watch the baby if we go to the gym together". Or "I'm exhausted looking after the baby all day". Work out solutions with her. If a month passes and nothing happens. Then you go on to "It's REALLY important to me for us to both have gym time together and make healthy choices as a family so I don't feel like we're living separate lives here. I need for us all to be on the same page, and you know how being healthy and fit is important to me. So can we make some changes together?" "I'm going to be honest, it seems like you haven't been very motivated and you've kind of been letting yourself go physically. I'm finding it difficult to get turned on because of the lifestyle you've been living lately and I want to help address that." should really be reserved as a last ditch kind of thing. It's not about her being 'too fragile to handle it', it's about simple consideration and tact. Women generally tie a lot of their self-esteem in with their partner's opinion of their body, because that is how society has shaped us. These words are pretty harsh and should only be said when all subtler attempts have failed. 3
KungFuJoe Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Op, Do you and your fiancé ever go out to public places at night where you have to "dress to impress"? Like a bar, club, fancy dinner, etc? My personal experience with my wife of over 10 years (who eats more than I do) is that there have been times when her weight starts to creep into the high 130s (she's 5'4). This usually happens during the holidays or if we haven't been going out a lot (like recently because I've been sick for what seems like months). And same for me. I haven't been working out as much and I lost 10 lbs of muscle. But once we get back into the swing of things and start going out we're like, oh crap, we gotta look good! I start working out again and she starts eating better and will drop down to 130 (and she really wants to get to around 120). The reality is that people tend to get "comfortable" with each other. It gets easier to eat that piece of cake or skip that workout because you know your partner will still love you. But, if you're about to go out and paint the town red, and you notice your clothes don't fit the way you like them to, that's a whole different ball game. Out there, you got "competition". A little vanity is never a bad thing.
TheGuard13 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) No offense OP, but if a man said to me what you are planning to say; it would kill all the love I have for him. Whereas her becoming the weight she has and moving in the direction she apparently is has slowly been killing his attraction (and probably his love) for her. Sometimes the truth hurts. He has every right to tell her how he feels. He's obviously not okay with continuing on with things the way they are. Quite honestly, if someone doesn't love you because you're honest about perceived problems in the relationship, or because you don't walk on eggshells about a very real issue, then they don't love you (or themselves) enough to spend a quality life with you. You have to realize that women aren't listening to your words as much as reading into what you are implying with your words....the are deciphering the meaning... Here's what she is going to read and feel.... - I'm fat - I'm unattractive - He doesn't leave me anymore - He's going to leave me if I don't lose weight - He doesn't love me anymore unless I am skinny Quite possibly. But that's on her. If she reads into what he's saying, or overanalyzes it, or jumps to conclusions about what he means, instead of listening to the plain English and what he's actually saying...if she chooses to believe that she knows better than he what he means, that's on her, not him. And on the plus side, at least she'll have gotten the message. ALWAYS REMEMBER! women are emotional not logical, so don't talk to a woman and expect her to act like a reasonable human being if she is sensitive or insecure about that particular thing. This is so ridiculous. It's often true, but it's just the most ridiculous thing in the world to have to deal with in a relationship. Edited February 16, 2013 by TheGuard13
Author goodmanz Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Why are you eating separate dinners all the time anyway? I can't think of any other explanation for why you'd personally have a great diet but come home to her eating lots of greasy stuff. Don't you eat together? Seems like this is as simple as offering to cook, then cook healthy food instead of greasy stuff. Teach her the recipes and encourage her to do the same. If she's taking care of the baby alone, then offer to take the baby for a few hours a week so she can go out and exercise. Incidentally, how much DOES she weigh? Or can you post a picture of a random woman with a similar body size? We don't eat together because I work from 2 a.m. to 12 p.m. then have school at 6 to 9 p.m. All my meals are pre-made in the morning because my diet is pretty strict. I don't really sit down and have dinners like the average person would. When I can I do take the baby off her hands, and we have a very supportive family who fortunately for us are always fighting over who gets to watch the baby next. So finding a baby setter has never been an issue. And also my gym has a day care for an extra monthly fee that I have no issues paying, not sure if they watch 1 year olds though. I don't know how much she weighs exactly because she's never been one to tell me, even when she was in shape. If I had to guess I'd say 150+. On a short petite body that is normally probably 115 at the most. She isn't obese, but she's well on her way to becoming that and the other older women in her family are huge.
sb129 Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 To all the men responding saying its been a year for her, I kind of agree but I dont think any of you have nannyed for a 1 year old before...I am in good shape and that is even tiring for me. Staying home and taking care of kids is not as easy as it looks...sorry... No its not, but its VERY easy to incorporate a walk with a stroller into your day when you are a stay at home mum. It gets you out of the house and helps you get back into shape, both of which are better for your physical and mental health than staying home all day. When my daughter was small I would take her and our dog to the park every day unless it was pouring with rain. OP- your intentions are obviously coming from a good place, and it must be tough. After I had my first child, I wanted to get back into shape for MYSELF- I wanted to be able to wear my old clothes that made me feel attractive, and I wanted to be able to go out with my husband and look nice at night. He helped out by watching the baby when I went to the gym and we always cook and eat together.
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