I'm becoming physically unattracted to my Fiance'.

[Quiet Storm]

Keep in mind this girl is in her early 20's...self-esteem issues, body issues, exaggerated expectations, insecurity.

 

I'll be here for the kaboom OP...I'll be hiding behind those rocks over there, you go ahead and tell her about her weight if you'd like.

 

I can't wrap my mind around any potential scenario she wouldn't be highly impacted by his statements, I think it'll be a huge blow to this situation.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong, and others are right...the results will speak for themselves over any theorizing.

 

I think she will definitely be upset.

 

It depends on what the poster's goal is.

 

If his goal is to avoid conflict, and dance around the issue because he feels she is too fragile to handle the truth, then he should keep pretending.

 

If his goal is to have a long term, intimate, mutually satisfying relationship with the mother of his child, then he should be honest.

 

As women, we want to be loved totally and completely, flaws and all. It sucks when we realize that sexual attraction doesn't work that way, but it's reality.

 

There will be many conflicts in a long term relationship, and how they are handled can set the dynamic for years to come. Avoiding conflict is bad. Communication is good.

 

Pretending to keep the peace can turn into a bad habit. Something as important as sexual attraction is not that same as pretending to like your mother in law in order to have a peaceful dinner.

 

I personally would be annoyed with the "hinting", because it feels like manipulation to me. I would rather my partner just keep it real.

 

When the lusty feelings fade, when you settle into being comfortable, when you have kids and jobs and stress, sex becomes your glue. It's what keeps you bonded through the ups and downs. As long as his expectations are realistic, I think he should be honest. Partners should make an effort to meet each other's needs.

 

She may react badly, but at least she will know the truth. She will have the opportunity to decide what to do about this. She may decide to get healthy, she may decide to do nothing, or she may end it and find someone that is sexually attracted to her. Right now, he is taking her choices away by having sex with her, even though he is secretly grossed out.

[pbjbear]

Threads like this make me realize why women are so paranoid about their looks and it makes me more paranoid about mine.

 

About a year ago I started reading dating forums and its drilled into my head how much effort I should keep putting into my looks because its such a big deal for men. I see alot of posts like this. Men are wired biologically to be more visual than women. I tell my friends in real life they need to keep up their looks for their boyfriends and husbands because if they dont, theyll lose interest in them and its sad, but its the truth.

 

With alot of men, Id fear having kids because alot of them seem to be unrealistic. Its easy for them to say women should keep their bodies when they arent the ones having to bear children, give birth and take care of them around the clock and be tired all the time. Luckily I dont have to worry about that yet. Im not sure I ever want to be married now anyways...

 

To all the men responding saying its been a year for her, I kind of agree but I dont think any of you have nannyed for a 1 year old before...I am in good shape and that is even tiring for me. Staying home and taking care of kids is not as easy as it looks...sorry...

Edited February 12, 2013 by pbjbear

[StanMusial]

Find a hickory tree and cut a stout stick off it. Chase her around your neighborhood with it, giving her a good whack every time she slows below an acceptable pace. In a few weeks the increased cardio will have her more slim, more motivated, and more obedient.

[TigerCub]

This reminds me of a friend of mine.

 

She gained so much weight after having her baby, But of course, its not like someone is gonna tell her, and I'm sure that she was aware.

 

Anyways, one day when her MIL was over, she was excitedly taking pics of the baby and the family and all.

When my friend saw a particular picture of herself, she saw just how fat she looked and that was the moment she decided "ok, that's enough!!"

 

She did weight watchers and looked fantastic after.

 

So...if you're unsure of how to start without talking and upsetting her, take a few pics of the family and stuff and look at them with her, if she looks at her pic and says something about how big she's gotten - then use that to discuss things and lead into the importance of good health and how you'd gladly help out by being a work out buddy, by taking the baby and giving her time to herself...

 

I dunno, it sounds like a sneaky thing to do - but I totally thought of my friend as I read this.

[Janesays]

I think Ninja is the only really SANE one in this thread.

 

First of all, unless this woman is totally and completely STUPID (is she?) then she KNOWS she's gaining weight. It is ALREADY upsetting her. If you come at her like "Hey honey, I've noticed you're fat and I'm having a hard time being sexually attracted to you, mind shedding a few pounds?" She is going to be HURT and EVEN MORE DEPRESSED.

 

Do you want to know what hurt, depressed people do? I'll tell you what they DON'T do: diet and exercise.

 

No, my friend, THEY EAT. Not only will an 'honest' talk about where she's lacking not get you a skinnier wife, but it will get you an EVEN FATTER ONE. I PROMISE YOU THAT.

 

You want your wife to lose weight? Then do what I said in this thread. Pretend it's not an issue. Pretend you don't even notice. Just start slowing, but surely, implementing healthy FAMILY habits that will cause her to lose weight naturally. Ask her for help. Don't make it about HER and where she is FAILING. Make it about the FAMILY and how the family can all be wonderful, fit and healthy TOGETHER.

 

The side effects are she will lose weight without ever getting 'I'm ugly and my hubby can't get it up for me anymore' which will DO NOTHING but make her EVEN MORE depressed and EVEN MORE inclined to comfort herself with food. Do you want to make her feel so hopeless that she runs to good ol' Ben and Jerry for comfort? Then by all means, have this conversation with her.

 

Otherwise, HELP her. But do it on the sly. Positive reinforcement works on everything from humans to cockroaches. So lay it on THICK.

[Drseussgrrl]

I think Ninja is the only really SANE one in this thread.

 

First of all, unless this woman is totally and completely STUPID (is she?) then she KNOWS she's gaining weight. It is ALREADY upsetting her. If you come at her like "Hey honey, I've noticed you're fat and I'm having a hard time being sexually attracted to you, mind shedding a few pounds?" She is going to be HURT and EVEN MORE DEPRESSED.

 

Do you want to know what hurt, depressed people do? I'll tell you what they DON'T do: diet and exercise.

 

No, my friend, THEY EAT. Not only will an 'honest' talk about where she's lacking not get you a skinnier wife, but it will get you an EVEN FATTER ONE. I PROMISE YOU THAT.

 

You want your wife to lose weight? Then do what I said in this thread. Pretend it's not an issue. Pretend you don't even notice. Just start slowing, but surely, implementing healthy FAMILY habits that will cause her to lose weight naturally. Ask her for help. Don't make it about HER and where she is FAILING. Make it about the FAMILY and how the family can all be wonderful, fit and healthy TOGETHER.

 

The side effects are she will lose weight without ever getting 'I'm ugly and my hubby can't get it up for me anymore' which will DO NOTHING but make her EVEN MORE depressed and EVEN MORE inclined to comfort herself with food. Do you want to make her feel so hopeless that she runs to good ol' Ben and Jerry for comfort? Then by all means, have this conversation with her.

 

Otherwise, HELP her. But do it on the sly. Positive reinforcement works on everything from humans to cockroaches. So lay it on THICK.

 

While I'm not sure having a blunt conversation about it is the answer - people simply have to WANT to improve for THEMSELVES. It's like quitting smoking (which I've also done successfully). I recognized that something had to be done and the only thing that got me to my goals (being smoke-free, and my fitness goals) was sheer will power. It had to be for myself and nobody else.

 

Just because he starts cooking healthy meals isn't going to stop her from hitting up the drive-thru on the way home or buying what crap she wants at the grocery store. These are her own personal choices she is making on a day-to-day basis. Choices that she consciously has to change herself because she WANTS to.

 

I'll say it again - these are just two very different incompatible lifestyles. If all the women in her family are obese, then maybe she is just resigned to it as well.

[pbjbear]

I agree its a lifestyle thing. I would never date a bodybuilder because a bodybuilder is only going to be satisified with a gym-obsessed girl. Its kind of like Natalie Portman and how she changed. She met a dancer instructor on set of the Black Swan and married him. She has stayed super skinny since she married him, because hes a ballerina instructor and is used to dating and being around super skinny women. She prob had to drastically change her eating habits to maintain this physique. I read an article about her tyical diet and it was painful to read.

 

While I like to work out and stuff, I dont need that pressure to always look "super good" and theres more to life than working out constantly.

 

I think the OP needs a girl who is really health conscious like him and theres nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, people dont realize this kind of stuff at the age of 21

[Janesays]

Just because he starts cooking healthy meals isn't going to stop her from hitting up the drive-thru on the way home or buying what crap she wants at the grocery store. These are her own personal choices she is making on a day-to-day basis. Choices that she consciously has to change herself because she WANTS to.

 

Absolutely. That's why the whole 'Lose weight or I'm done with you' threat is NOT going to work. It's just going to make her feel depressed and unloved....all things that make people want to EAT.

 

"Hey I'm not attracted to your fat rolls" will do the SAME THING.

 

Which is make her feel so darn depressed and hopeless that she just wants to eat away her pain.

 

You're right in that if she seems comfortable and happy with her life in her large body, then she's going to stay that way and there is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING (And that includes leaving....don't let the door hit ya) that he is going to say to get her to drop the pounds. So why waste his breathe?

 

However, I am going with the premise that she DOES want to lose the weight and she is ALREADY unhappy about how she looks. So, rather than knock her self esteem even deeper into the dirt, why not try to be a POSITIVE and HELP her achieve her goals?

 

It may work. It may not. But I know for sure, 100% for sure, that having a 'frank conversation' about how she's not attractive anymore won't work. Ever. Ever. Ever.

[man_in_the_box]

But there clearly has to be some breaking point for a person to decide they want to change themselves. What if that point doesn't come? When have you waited long enough? If this was about a drug or porn addiction would you just stay around forever waiting for someone to snap out of it? It's a little bit more complicated although I agree that being harsh and enforcing change is going to get you nowhere.

[Janesays]

But there clearly has to be some breaking point for a person to decide they want to change themselves. What if that point doesn't come? When have you waited long enough? If this was about a drug or porn addiction would you just stay around forever waiting for someone to snap out of it? It's a little bit more complicated although I agree that being harsh and enforcing change is going to get you nowhere.

 

Exactly. He can try to help. And if that doesn't work, he can either accept or leave.

 

He is not going to browbeat her into it. Humans just don't work that way.

[xxoo]

Buy her one of those "racing" strollers. I see fit parents running with their babies in them.

 

Get the stroller and go for family walks. Don't even discuss it, unless absolutely necessary. Just......go!

 

In the end, all you can do is support her in having a healthy lifestyle. You can't force to her to have a healthy lifestyle. She's got to choose it.

[Quiet Storm]

Absolutely. That's why the whole 'Lose weight or I'm done with you' threat is NOT going to work. It's just going to make her feel depressed and unloved....all things that make people want to EAT.

 

"Hey I'm not attracted to your fat rolls" will do the SAME THING.

 

Which is make her feel so darn depressed and hopeless that she just wants to eat away her pain.

 

You're right in that if she seems comfortable and happy with her life in her large body, then she's going to stay that way and there is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING (And that includes leaving....don't let the door hit ya) that he is going to say to get her to drop the pounds. So why waste his breathe?

 

However, I am going with the premise that she DOES want to lose the weight and she is ALREADY unhappy about how she looks. So, rather than knock her self esteem even deeper into the dirt, why not try to be a POSITIVE and HELP her achieve her goals?

 

It may work. It may not. But I know for sure, 100% for sure, that having a 'frank conversation' about how she's not attractive anymore won't work. Ever. Ever. Ever.

 

I just disagree. I don't think he should threaten to leave, but he can be honest about his sexual attraction.

 

I would not want to be treated like I am so fragile that I can't handle the truth.

 

I would want the opportunity to deal with reality, rather than be protected from it.

[FitChick]

Are there any Mommy and Me type fitness groups in your area? Perhaps post pregnancy fitness classes where she can work out with other new moms? If she likes staying home, google Tracey Mallett post pregnancy DVDs. Sexy in 6 is an informative book and there are two related DVDs with short six-minute segments of cardio, light weights and yoga, meant to be done over the course of the day when a mother can grab a few spare minutes when the kid is sleeping or awake but content. It would be a good example for the baby to grow up watching mom exercise.

Edited February 12, 2013 by FitChick

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

Have you expressed how you feel to your gf/wife? If not, then TELL HER.

 

Biggest problem in relationships is lack of communication. Something is bothering you, tell her! If she values you and the relationship, she'll work on making things right.

 

If she gives you the BS of "you should love me for who I am", then tell her that you don't have enough love for ALLLLL of her.

 

 

 

Ok...just kidding on that last one.

[Janesays]

I would not want to be treated like I am so fragile that I can't handle the truth.

 

I would want the opportunity to deal with reality, rather than be protected from it.

 

Protected from reality? Isn't she the one actually living inside her own body? THAT'S REALITY. Or are you saying that she's so freaking stupid, she honestly doesn't realize that she's put on a ton of weight and despite the fact that none of her clothes fit, she looks just the same as she did before the baby came along? Do you think she so freaking DELUSIONAL that she really doesn't realize that her weight could be, should be, affecting her sex life in a negative way. Or do you think she's bat-poop crazy and thinks her ultra fit hubby is a secret chubby chaser?

 

Or are you saying YOU wouldn't realize? Would you actually NEED someone to tell you you're fat and look unattractive? Seriously? You wouldn't realize that on your own, living in your body, looking in the mirror, day in and day out?

 

Say what you will about whatever you would need or want to hear before a little light went off above your head and went 'DING, I'M FAT!" But I really just want to believe this lady isn't a moron and already knows. Trust me, she KNOWS.

[KungFuJoe]

Protected from reality? Isn't she the one actually living inside her own body? THAT'S REALITY. Or are you saying that she's so freaking stupid, she honestly doesn't realize that she's put on a ton of weight and despite the fact that none of her clothes fit, she looks just the same as she did before the baby came along? Do you think she so freaking DELUSIONAL that she really doesn't realize that her weight could be, should be, affecting her sex life in a negative way. Or do you think she's bat-poop crazy and thinks her ultra fit hubby is a secret chubby chaser?

 

Or are you saying YOU wouldn't realize? Would you actually NEED someone to tell you you're fat and look unattractive? Seriously? You wouldn't realize that on your own, living in your body, looking in the mirror, day in and day out?

 

Say what you will about whatever you would need or want to hear before a little light went off about your head and went 'DING, I'M FAT!" But I really just want to believe this lady isn't a moron and already knows. Trust me, she KNOWS.

 

Are you fat? Overweight?

 

It's very easy for people to "slowly" get overweight without realizing it. First of all, not everyone steps on the scale every day. Then you start making excuses in your head. Oh, it's just water weight. Oh, it's just 5lbs...I can lose it easily.

 

Then 5 becomes 10...then 10 becomes 20, then 20 becomes 50 and before you know it, you look back and it's "omg what happened to me!". But then it's too late. The struggle and work involved in getting back into shape is greater than your will to stop living your unhealthy lifestyle.

 

Op...don't let this linger. Snip this in the bud NOW. Let her know how you feel...let her know what this is doing to your relationship and then do whatever you can to HELP her get back into shape.

 

I wouldn't even worry about exercise if time is a limiting factor due to having to take care of a baby. Just fix her diet. Her problem is not lack of exercise...it's too many calories. Start buying healthy food, cutting her portions, etc, etc.

 

Diet is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of looking good and being healthy. Working out and exercise is the icing on the cake...but save that for when you have more time and when she starts to trim the fat off.

[Drseussgrrl]

Protected from reality? Isn't she the one actually living inside her own body? THAT'S REALITY. Or are you saying that she's so freaking stupid, she honestly doesn't realize that she's put on a ton of weight and despite the fact that none of her clothes fit, she looks just the same as she did before the baby came along? Do you think she so freaking DELUSIONAL that she really doesn't realize that her weight could be, should be, affecting her sex life in a negative way. Or do you think she's bat-poop crazy and thinks her ultra fit hubby is a secret chubby chaser?

 

Or are you saying YOU wouldn't realize? Would you actually NEED someone to tell you you're fat and look unattractive? Seriously? You wouldn't realize that on your own, living in your body, looking in the mirror, day in and day out?

 

Say what you will about whatever you would need or want to hear before a little light went off above your head and went 'DING, I'M FAT!" But I really just want to believe this lady isn't a moron and already knows. Trust me, she KNOWS.

 

Oh I'm sure she knows. She just may not care. With an obesity rate skyrocketing at astronomical rates, I'm sure the majority of those folks KNOW they're fat. Also, in the vast majority of cases this is completely preventable.

 

It's just like I KNEW smoking was awful for me and that I smelled like sh*t. I just had to WANT to quit. For myself. And it took finally caring for me to get there.

[pbjbear]

I agree with Janesays. She already knows shes fat and she prob has already figured out that the OP is not as attracted to her. Most girls are painfully aware even if they wont admit it out loud that when their looks detoriate men will judge them.

Maybe thats one of the reasons why she is acting kinda depressed...I would be too. Heck if I had a kid and I was stressed and tired all the time, my body went to **** and I felt my boyfriend didnt like me as much, Id be kinda depressed

[Quiet Storm]

Protected from reality? Isn't she the one actually living inside her own body? THAT'S REALITY. Or are you saying that she's so freaking stupid, she honestly doesn't realize that she's put on a ton of weight and despite the fact that none of her clothes fit, she looks just the same as she did before the baby came along? Do you think she so freaking DELUSIONAL that she really doesn't realize that her weight could be, should be, affecting her sex life in a negative way. Or do you think she's bat-poop crazy and thinks her ultra fit hubby is a secret chubby chaser?

 

Or are you saying YOU wouldn't realize? Would you actually NEED someone to tell you you're fat and look unattractive? Seriously? You wouldn't realize that on your own, living in your body, looking in the mirror, day in and day out?

 

Say what you will about whatever you would need or want to hear before a little light went off above your head and went 'DING, I'M FAT!" But I really just want to believe this lady isn't a moron and already knows. Trust me, she KNOWS.

 

I don't think she is a moron. She is living in her own body and knows she's fat, but she may not realize it's unacceptable to him. She was raised in a family of overweight women. She didn't have women that modeled healthy behavior or eating habits. From her perspective, gaining weight after having a child and eating unhealthy is normal. She probably views it as just something that happens, a part of life. She knows her boyfriend is not a "chubby chaser", but she probably assumes that because he loves her, he accepts her "as-is". Many women, especially young ones, don't understand how visual sexual attraction is for men. They tend to be more romantic and focus on the "feelings" and the "love", not visuals of body parts. He loves her, continues to have sex with her, and it sounds like he is acting as if everything is fine. I don't think it's a stretch for her to assume that her weight is not a problem for him. That doesn't mean she's delusional, just a product of her environment.

[Janesays]

I don't think she is a moron. She is living in her own body and knows she's fat, but she may not realize it's unacceptable to him. She was raised in a family of overweight women. She didn't have women that modeled healthy behavior or eating habits. From her perspective, gaining weight after having a child and eating unhealthy is normal. She probably views it as just something that happens, a part of life. She knows her boyfriend is not a "chubby chaser", but she probably assumes that because he loves her, he accepts her "as-is". Many women, especially young ones, don't understand how visual sexual attraction is for men. They tend to be more romantic and focus on the "feelings" and the "love", not visuals of body parts. He loves her, continues to have sex with her, and it sounds like he is acting as if everything is fine. I don't think it's a stretch for her to assume that her weight is not a problem for him. That doesn't mean she's delusional, just a product of her environment.

 

OK, you're going with the premise that she's OK with her weight gain. If that's the case, there is NOTHING he is going to say or do that is going to make her NOT ok with her body. And honestly? If she is truly ok with her body, he SHOULDN'T try! He should just kindly part ways with her, because I don't think it's cool to 'shame' someone into feeling bad about themselves hoping they will change to make to you happy. She deserves to find someone happy with however she WANTS to be. Further, it doesn't work. She might diet for a month or two, but ultimately, she will think, "I was happy how I was. And now I'm making myself miserable FOR HIM! Screw him, there are men who will like me how I was!" And she's RIGHT....there ARE chubby chasers out there.

 

Now, I am going by the premise that she is NOT ok with her weight gain. That she DOES want to change, she's just feeling overwhelmed and depressed and ashamed of her body. If that is the case, I think the thing for the OP to do is HELP her and shower her with positive reinforcement.

 

Cutting her down won't help her. In all my studies, the number one thing I have learned is that when you cut animals down, make them feel low, make them feel hopeless, they DO NOT do what you want them to do. Instead, the just give up and do NOTHING. We called this 'entering a state of learned helplessness.' And this is true from EVERY animal from rats to human beings. We just don't make positive changes in our lives if we're feeling sad. It just doesn't work that way.

[Chocolat]

Oh brother. Here we go again.

 

Look, having babies is what women's bodies were designed to do. Getting fat afterwards is not. If she is not losing the weight -- after a full year, no less! -- then there are other reasons. While it's unlikely that she has developed a thyroid problem as a result of pregnancy, it is possible. Have that checked.

 

Assuming she checks out physically, you need to look at other issues. Does she have the time to work out? A gym membership? Does she care how she looks? I know everyone will say, oh, of course she does, but some women only worry about looking good in order to land a man, and don't worry so much when they think they've got him.

 

I've had 3 children and never took more than a few weeks to get back to pre-baby shape. Not because it was easy, but because it mattered. To me.

[BetheButterfly]

I'm currently 21 years old engaged to the mother of my son. I love her so much and every thing I do I do for her, but after the baby she's been gaining weight and being lazy and I'm physically becoming unattracted to her.

 

Feeling this way makes me feel tremendous guilt because I do love her, and I can't imagine my life with out her.

 

Maybe I'm just a shallow person. My life revolves around being healthy and being physically fit. As a natural bodybuilder / power lifter I'm in the gym usually 5 days a week, and I come home to her sitting on the couch eating greasy food and getting fatter while I make an effort to maintain my physical attractiveness and make healthier choices for her.

 

I could never tell her to get in the gym because she's already self conscious and it would break her heart if she knew I wasn't attracted to her anymore.

 

It's really taking a toll on our sex life because I feel like I'm just not enjoying it, I'm somewhat grossed out sometimes. I feel horrible for saying that, but it just isn't like it was before she gained weight.

 

I find myself looking at other women in a lustful way. I don't mean this in a conceited way, I get hit on by attractive women frequently and it's like torture sometimes.

 

Of course I would NEVER cheat on her because my love for her out weighs any hornyness, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm getting the sexual fulfillment that I want anymore.

 

What do I do? What do I say?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel stupid asking on this forum, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

 

Sorry if I seem like a scumbag. You're probably right on about that.

 

i don't think you're a scumbag. I do think you need to be kind and honest with her. You can use tact while telling her how you feel.

 

My advice is to invite her to the gym with you. On the second day I met my husband, we went to his gym! He is very similar to you (the boldened part in your post)

 

My husband, when we first started dating, made it clear that he does not want me to ever "let myself go." I understand that. It's best to make that clear in the early stages of dating.

 

However, it's too late now. What you can do is invite her to the gym with you, and invite her to eat healthy. Don't mock her though and don't insult her (which it sounds like you are not wanting to do anyway, because you love her. That's awesome!)

 

Keep on inviting her, "Would you like to come the gym with me? There's one with a babysitting service... I would love for you to come with me."

 

Hopefully she will decide to take the steps to lose fat.

 

If she continues to reject your invitation, then I do think it's ok to kindly tell her the truth: that you are not sexually attracted to her and would appreciate it if she would start taking care of herself, and that you are willing to help her, like a personal trainer.

 

My husband helps me, and I really appreciate his help.

 

Also, see if she has friends who are health-conscious who can encourage her! Sometimes, women friends who are healthy can help another female more than a guy can. For example, before I met my husband, my best friend and I would go on walks together and another good friend and I would go and work out at the gym together. We made it fun!!!

 

(My husband makes it VERY fun by what we do after going to the gym and showering... )

[BetheButterfly]

Don't make this about her at all. Make this about your son. The same woman who won't do dmack for herself will move mountains for her child.

 

You say you've always been passionate about fitness? Good, say, "I've been thinking....you know important fitness is to me? I was wondering how I can share that part of my life with our son. Any ideas?"

 

He's one, right? Able to walk a little and then pop him in a stroller? How about a morning family walk where you do just that? A family bike ride on Sundays? No of course he cants ride himself, but you can pop him in those baby riding things and bring him anyway.

 

All this family fitness, you see, is for YOUR SON. You want to lead by example and inspire him to lead a healthy lifestyle. Help me, dear wife, for I know you have some good ideas of what we can do. Colorful healthy friendly meals? How can we teach him veggies are better than cake?

 

These are awesome ideas!!! :bunny:

[BetheButterfly]

Op,

 

Have you expressed how you feel to your gf/wife? If not, then TELL HER.

 

Biggest problem in relationships is lack of communication. Something is bothering you, tell her! If she values you and the relationship, she'll work on making things right.

 

I agree with that and boldened something that I've noticed is so true. I don't believe in hiding the truth of how one feels, but it's important to tell the person you love the truth kindly. If my husband is not sexually attracted to me, I want to know! I don't want him to pretend or lie or ignore it. We are a team, and that means we both do our part to enjoy life together. Sex is a HUGE part of our life together! I would be crushed if my husband were not sexually attracted to me, which is one reason why I go to the gym and work out, cause "no pain, no gain" as the saying goes, and because I value him and our relationship, I work out. It's a part of my "gift" to him: to take care of my body.

 

Even if we were not together, I would still want to work out because I do like how I feel when I am more toned and have less fat on me. I feel better and have better self-esteem.

[ChessPieceFace]

Find a way to let her know how you feel about the weight problem. Try to have a positive mindset about it, like how you want things to be. I really don't know how to do that, but you'll have to find a way. Maybe she WILL be offended at first, but it's better off that she knows how much of a concern it is and that it's threatening her engagement and potential family. If all she has to do to keep that stuff together is to strive to live healthy like she should try to do anyway, it's not really much to ask. I'm fat and wouldn't expect anyone to just accept me this way, I don't accept myself this way.