A long dry spell

[outsidethebox]

Yes....

And it makes me feel ****ty, like they notice me but I'm not good enough or worth it for them to go after.

 

Not to be snarky, but just like that guy that you had great rapport with but he wasn't good looking enough for you.

 

Yes, that's how he feels.

 

He just feels it a lot more often than you do.

[venusishername]

You're the one asking for advice and insight. It may or may not be the hard ugly truth, but sometimes we don't realize how we are being perceived.

 

You say you are a Friendly person, yet at the same time you are a Perfectionist and Demanding. What happens to the guys that don't meet your high standards? How do you treat them then?

 

Its not a joke - there is no such thing as "Perfection in a husband/boyfriend/spouse" - You're going to be 40 and still searching for MR Perfect or you'll end up getting artificially inseminated from a "brad pitt sperm donor"

 

I would be cautious about dating at work. If you are a lawyer or manager, there are lots of sexual harassment rules. Since you are the "demanding perfectionist" a co-worker does not want to break up with you and find himself in a litigious work setting. The men at work aren't scared of dating you, they're scared of breaking up with you and being fired for sexual harassment.

 

I don't know what "signals" you are giving out but if you really like a guy, then invite him out to a casual happy hour and start a platonic friendship at first. Guys get fired far more quickly for sexual harassment than women, so its best to take it slow.

 

You're not superficial, yet you dumped a guy with a great personality but wasn't good looking? Do you hear yourself speaking?

 

Do whatever you want, you obviously know what you're doing.

I'll tell you where to meet Perfectionist men - get your MBA, join a Republican volunteer group, or join Golds Gym

 

I just mean that I can be a handful, not demanding and snobby. I treat all people equally, but honestly I'm not going to string a guy along if I'm not interested. I don't treat them like crap, I just tell them I'm not interested. I refuse to settle; I've been with absolute fools in the past and I'm finally ready to step up my game and raise the bar. I don't have time to waste anymore! Nothing wrong with a woman with high standards. I'm not expecting perfection.

 

Not worried about sexual harassment claims.

 

I didn't dump him. Actually it was a few weeks ago that I asked him if he wanted to get happy hour (something we used to do often). He made up some excuse. I didn't dump him at all, and even if I ever did it wouldn't be because he wasn't good looking enough. It just wasn't sparking romantically. There were other factors. Seriously, looks are NOT that important to me; it's the personality that is the most important. Certainly looks help but that's not the dealbreaker. Plus, you just can't force chemistry. That's what happened with this guy. It was like we were better friends than lovers.

 

Signals I am giving off: friendly smiles, warm conversation, eye contact. I'm not used to having to be the one to pursue, nor do I feel comfortable or confident enough to do so on a regular basis. I won't lie. I want to be chased.

 

I love your suggestions, especially the Republican party volunteer group. Hilarious! (and probably true).

[jcrew11]

Signals I am giving off: friendly smiles, warm conversation, eye contact. I'm not used to having to be the one to pursue, nor do I feel comfortable or confident enough to do so on a regular basis. I won't lie. I want to be chased.

 

I love your suggestions, especially the Republican party volunteer group. Hilarious! (and probably true).

 

Have you ever tried dyeing your hair Blonde, getting blue contact lenses, and getting breast implants. I'm sure those will have men chasing after you.

 

If you want rich men, take up golf/tennis and join a country club. Volunteer at a hospital to meet doctors.

[Fleur de Lis]

Maybe the guys that you want so much to be attracted to you are interpreting your selective warmth to others as being somehow superficial.

 

As an objective man reading this thread here are some warning signs that I would see if I were in your potential dating pool:

 

 

• It seems like you have a high opinion of yourself (not saying there is anything wrong with that), but the danger there is that men might be turned off by someone who thinks their 'didleypoo don't stink'.
  
• If you're attracted to someone you'll give them a smile. Do you ever think how people interpret the way you act towards those people that you aren't attracted to?
  
• While there is nothing wrong with having high standards, there is a fine line between that and having unrealistic expectations.
  
• If you've invested emotional capital in others in the past, classifying them as "fools" in the present shows a lack of acknowledgment of any worth of them as people. Either there must have been something special about them that drew you to them in the 1st place or you have a history of valuing the absolute wrong attributes in potential mates.
  
• Not having "time to waste anymore" smacks of someone that feels like the biological timer is ticking and that you might be moving into some panic mode where you're trying to bag someone as a trophy husband rather than find a life partner.
  
• You're right and perfect mate should not be someone that merely satisfies a checklist of standards.
  

I think overall you need to examine not only the conscious signals you giving off (which may be getting interpreted as being less than 100% sincere) but - more importantly - you need examine the signals that you are not consciously giving off.

 

IMHO, you should just concentrate on going out and having fun. Men are attracted to HAPPY, attractive, confident, capable women. We tend to pass on the unhappy ones whose sense of self-worth are potentially overvalued.

[venusishername]

Maybe the guys that you want so much to be attracted to you are interpreting your selective warmth to others as being somehow superficial.

 

As an objective man reading this thread here are some warning signs that I would see if I were in your potential dating pool:

 

 

• It seems like you have a high opinion of yourself (not saying there is anything wrong with that), but the danger there is that men might be turned off by someone who thinks their 'didleypoo don't stink'.
  
• If you're attracted to someone you'll give them a smile. Do you ever think how people interpret the way you act towards those people that you aren't attracted to?
  
• While there is nothing wrong with having high standards, there is a fine line between that and having unrealistic expectations.
  
• If you've invested emotional capital in others in the past, classifying them as "fools" in the present shows a lack of acknowledgment of any worth of them as people. Either there must have been something special about them that drew you to them in the 1st place or you have a history of valuing the absolute wrong attributes in potential mates.
  
• Not having "time to waste anymore" smacks of someone that feels like the biological timer is ticking and that you might be moving into some panic mode where you're trying to bag someone as a trophy husband rather than find a life partner.
  
• You're right and perfect mate should not be someone that merely satisfies a checklist of standards.
  

I think overall you need to examine not only the conscious signals you giving off (which may be getting interpreted as being less than 100% sincere) but - more importantly - you need examine the signals that you are not consciously giving off.

 

IMHO, you should just concentrate on going out and having fun. Men are attracted to HAPPY, attractive, confident, capable women. We tend to pass on the unhappy ones whose sense of self-worth are potentially overvalued.

 

Ok, thank you for the insight. Good advice.

[jcrew11]

Not worried about sexual harassment claims.

 

Signals I am giving off: friendly smiles, warm conversation, eye contact. I'm not used to having to be the one to pursue, nor do I feel comfortable or confident enough to do so on a regular basis. I won't lie. I want to be chased.

 

I think men also see that you are "not easy going, and have a very demanding side," so men avoid asking you out because they don't want to deal with your "dark side." If a man wants a wife, he is looking for a woman who is very supportive, caring, and knows how to take care of children. If she is a good cook, that is plus. But rich alpha men don't want a female competitor, they want a "wife/assistant."

 

If men are saying you are pretty, perhaps they mean you are "cute-pretty" and not "model-pretty."

 

I'm guessing from your statements, but I also see you have a severe lack of social confidence. A person with a lot of friends, shouldn't have a problem meeting men.

 

I can't really give you any more specific advice without knowing your "professional industry","your city", or even your ethnicity and religion.

[venusishername]

I think men also see that you are "not easy going, and have a very demanding side," so men avoid asking you out because they don't want to deal with your "dark side." If a man wants a wife, he is looking for a woman who is very supportive, caring, and knows how to take care of children. If she is a good cook, that is plus. But rich alpha men don't want a female competitor, they want a "wife/assistant."

 

If men are saying you are pretty, perhaps they mean you are "cute-pretty" and not "model-pretty."

 

I'm guessing from your statements, but I also see you have a severe lack of social confidence. A person with a lot of friends, shouldn't have a problem meeting men.

 

I can't really give you any more specific advice without knowing your "professional industry","your city", or even your ethnicity and religion.

 

Ok, I am all those things you mention. Supportive, caring, a good cook and love kids. I may come across as a little aloof and maybe type-A tendencies, but truly, men have generally been drawn to me. I don't want to be someone's 'assistant', so I'm not looking for that. I do have a strong personality and maybe men are intimidated by that, or think that would be too difficult so they stay at a distance. I don't know, a good handful have been really into that aspect of me, so I don't think I should settle for someone who isn't ok with that. It's who I am, and if people can't accept that they're not worth my time.

 

Well, I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I can't say whether I am cute-pretty or model-pretty, but all I know is that I turn heads. I have been in beauty pageants in the past, so I don't know how to answer your question about how pretty I am. That's really not for me to say.

 

I never said I had a problem meeting men; the problem is meeting them and it progressing in to something. It's happened, sure, but lately it seems like pulling teeth. Plus, most of my friends are married, engaged, or in a serious relationship. When I do go out with single friends, I have no problem meeting men.

 

I don't think demographics has anything to do with my dry spell. I live in a fairly metropolitan city, I work in the legal field, and I am white. Would it be different if I lived in a small town, worked at the post office, and was Asian?

Edited February 16, 2013 by venusishername

[jcrew11]

If you work in the legal professional, why would you not think your co-workers or male lawyers would NOT Worry about Sexual Harassment. Most Lawyers love to file lawsuits and complain and "cover their rears."

 

If you lived in a small town, then it is easier to get married because there is nothing else to do and not as many other women to compete with.

 

Is your ideal man a rich, ambitious banker/lawyer/etc.? You say you don't want to be an assistant or a supportive wife - you want to be a Breadwinner.

 

Despite what you say about being friendly and caring, I would guess that the Single Men who meet you see you as a Intimidater, Aggressive, Lawyer. You can't be a Leader in your professional life, and then play the innocent wallflower waiting for Mr Perfect. You are going to have to be more pro-active about finding a guy you like and then asking him out. If the Hot guys aren't asking you out, its because they are married or have girlfriends. You just have to find out which ones are single.

 

Ok, I am all those things you mention. Supportive, caring, a good cook and love kids. I may come across as a little aloof and maybe type-A tendencies, but truly, men have generally been drawn to me. I don't want to be someone's 'assistant', so I'm not looking for that. I do have a strong personality and maybe men are intimidated by that, or think that would be too difficult so they stay at a distance. I don't know, a good handful have been really into that aspect of me, so I don't think I should settle for someone who isn't ok with that. It's who I am, and if people can't accept that they're not worth my time.

 

I never said I had a problem meeting men; the problem is meeting them and it progressing in to something. It's happened, sure, but lately it seems like pulling teeth. Plus, most of my friends are married, engaged, or in a serious relationship. When I do go out with single friends, I have no problem meeting men.

[venusishername]

If you work in the legal professional, why would you not think your co-workers or male lawyers would NOT Worry about Sexual Harassment. Most Lawyers love to file lawsuits and complain and "cover their rears."

 

If you lived in a small town, then it is easier to get married because there is nothing else to do and not as many other women to compete with.

 

Is your ideal man a rich, ambitious banker/lawyer/etc.? You say you don't want to be an assistant or a supportive wife - you want to be a Breadwinner.

 

Despite what you say about being friendly and caring, I would guess that the Single Men who meet you see you as a Intimidater, Aggressive, Lawyer. You can't be a Leader in your professional life, and then play the innocent wallflower waiting for Mr Perfect. You are going to have to be more pro-active about finding a guy you like and then asking him out. If the Hot guys aren't asking you out, its because they are married or have girlfriends. You just have to find out which ones are single.

 

I don't think the men in my line of work are worried about that; in my office there aren't single men but in the building and around.

 

Yes, my ideal man is just as ambitious as I am, if not more. That's what I'm most attracted to, above all. I always thought I'd end up with a lawyer, we have things in common obviously.. the guy that you say I 'dumped' is a very well-regarded attorney in our city, and I was definitely drawn to his confidence, ambition, and smarts. I want a partner with shared attributes because those qualities are important to me. I don't meet a lot of men who are like that.

 

That's what I am saying, I think a lot of single men are intimidated by me. Not to get on a high horse, but I do hear a lot from men and women how my beauty, brains, and drive is a very powerful punch. I would like to meet more men professionally because I think they would be on the level and not be intimidated, like the guy I was seeing.

 

The hot guys look but don't touch, some come forward a little, but then keep a distance. I seem to draw the married, taken, or otherwise unavailable ones. Finding the single men that I'm interested in who can handle me or aren't totally intimidated is really difficult. I guess I can't be a wallflower anymore, that's true.

[SiaLv82]

Is it possible that not necessarily is it yourself causing the intimidation but rather your choice of profession? I know of a few that would positively steer clear of dating a lawyer.

 

Just a thought to ponder.

[BarbecueMan666]

Hehe, this thread is fun. As a young man in a pretty male dominated industry myself I'd love to help you out a little.

 

One of my exes was a former miss Oregon USA runner up, and one of my housemates a former Miss Oregon USA. - They're both very driven women, and very good in their fields and always strive for more.

 

I've had my fair share of attractive female friends given my line of work (which would surprise you) -As a man When presented with 5 pretty women, but 1 is exceptionally attractive and she knows it - It's one of those situations guys plant themselves in with "their Everest". Silly, but from my own personal experience, some mountains just appear far too intimidating to even attempt the climb (and by that I do not mean sex at all.)

1. - why would a beautiful girl who appears so lovely be single?

2. - If there is a reason, it's got to be a jolly good one!

 

One thing that stands out for me when trying to talk to a young, confident good looking lady is her ability to look like she's going to have fun no matter what. I love smiles - they're extremely inviting, and not even in the sense that it's only for physical purposes.

 

You sound like a woman who's obviously got her life going down the right track, and while you turn heads, which obviously means you're attractive - maybe from your demeanor you present yourself on a pedestal that mortal men feel they cannot reach, so why even bother. Obviously I don't know you and just skimmed through this thread, but acting happy, relaxed, unguarded and ready to have a good time no matter where you are - even if it's just laughing with friends, or just smiling as you're drinking your coffee with a book - it's very attractive and would definitely grant you more eyes from the right guys. I'm definitely a sucker for a pretty lady who wears a smile without even really thinking about it.

[jcrew11]

Is it possible that not necessarily is it yourself causing the intimidation but rather your choice of profession? I know of a few that would positively steer clear of dating a lawyer.

 

Just a thought to ponder.

 

I agree that Lawyers have a bad reputation, and it sounds like she fits the lawyer mold. I find it odd that she has the balls to be an aggressive lawyer by day, but can't find the balls to ask a guy out for drinks. Something seems kinda off, especially if she was in beauty pagents and knows how to make herself look good. I would imagine that her personality is super-aggressive and just annoys a lot of guys who would rather want an easy-going/agree-able girlfriend like a nurse or teacher.

[venusishername]

I agree that Lawyers have a bad reputation, and it sounds like she fits the lawyer mold. I find it odd that she has the balls to be an aggressive lawyer by day, but can't find the balls to ask a guy out for drinks. Something seems kinda off, especially if she was in beauty pagents and knows how to make herself look good. I would imagine that her personality is super-aggressive and just annoys a lot of guys who would rather want an easy-going/agree-able girlfriend like a nurse or teacher.

 

That's not very nice. Who said I was an aggressive lawyer?? I never said that. By no means do I have "Super Aggressive" "annoying" personality. I've been told many times by many guys that I'm very down to earth, sweet and feminine, just honest and intellectual. Maybe guys are intimidated by beauty and brains?? I'm really shy when it comes to this stuff; that's why I think I excel in my professional life but lack when it comes to dating. I'm not used to having to put in the work because I'm attractive; I guess I haven't had to try too hard. Just adjusting to it I guess. What I wanted when I was in my early twenties is so far from what I'm looking for now.

[outsidethebox]

well the beautiful people lawyers work out on all the legal shows. Since everyone is beautiful and single the numbers are pretty good.

 

It could be as simple as the younger people are, the more people their age are single. And the numbers are harder to come by.

 

Seems like a pretty narrow target group which numbers wise I would think would be minimal. If you have specific men in mind and you know that they know you're single and available, and they aren't interested, I guess the answer lies with them, otherwise are there that many men that meet your qualifications that even know about you?

 

Seems like a rarified atmosphere to me. Maybe a professional matchmaker is looking for someone like you for a high powered up and comer?