A long dry spell

February 12, 2013

I am having a really hard time understanding this. I believe and am consistently told that I am very beautiful, sexy, smart, special, etc. by many men in my life. I'm nearly thirty and men always tell me I look under 25. I turn heads on the street and get a lot of male attention from all ages and circumstances. I'm not crazy, clingy, a lush or am putting off a needy vibe. I admit I am picky, and am not easily impressed anymore as I've been around long enough to pick up on guys just looking to get laid. I want to be romanced, and I don't think it's too much to expect to be pursued. I'm open but not actively searching. I'm just living my life and going out in social situations often enough where it's very likely I could meet someone. I'm not putting it out there that I want a serious relationship, but I want something with the possibility of taking it SLOWLY into that. I'm not looking to find a boyfriend or a husband right away. I just want to be taken out on dates and given some affection and attention sometimes.

Yet, I am consistently alone and dateless. For all the men that notice me, only the ones that I would never give the time of day actually have the courage to come after me. The ones I do or possibly could like stay at a safe distance and stare and make eyes at me but never bite other than a brief flirtation. Maybe they are intimidated? And if so, what can I do? I'm not being egotistical but most would look at me and think, 'she can have anyone she wants' but I haven't been in love or even pursued seriously in such a long time. What gives??

Edited February 12, 2013 by venusishername

February 12, 2013

You're certainly not the only women in this situation. In fact I bet a lot of us here can relate to you. What you need to do is to be more proactive. When these guys look at you and smile, smile back. Show your interest, make it easy for them to approach you. You might also want to try online dating.

Also, keep in mind, the men you are interested in have a lot of other women interested in them or even throwing themselves at them. So they are less motivated to approach a woman. You'll have to do some of the work.

February 12, 2013

I'm wondering why only men who you wouldn't give the time of day to are approaching? If these better looking men who are in your league are "intimidated", why aren't the lesser guys?

February 12, 2013

You're certainly not the only women in this situation. In fact I bet a lot of us here can relate to you. What you need to do is to be more proactive. When these guys look at you and smile, smile back. Show your interest, make it easy for them to approach you. You might also want to try online dating.

Also, keep in mind, the men you are interested in have a lot of other women interested in them or even throwing themselves at them. So they are less motivated to approach a woman. You'll have to do some of the work.

I've tried online dating and it's not for me. I feel it's unnatural, just my personal belief. I feel I do smile back, return the eye contact, even with the ones that women throw themselves at. Still it results in very little. So frustrated...

February 12, 2013

I'm wondering why only men who you wouldn't give the time of day to are approaching? If these better looking men who are in your league are "intimidated", why aren't the lesser guys?

I have NO clue. I wonder why they do this. Maybe because they don't care if they have nothing to lose anymore, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say 'wouldn't give the time of day to'; it's not always that necessarily. I mean, the ones that really capture my attention usually only give the signals from a safe distance and the ones I'd hardly notice or aren't interested in seem to flock to me. ?? I'm stumped...

February 12, 2013

I have NO clue. I wonder why they do this. Maybe because they don't care if they have nothing to lose anymore, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say 'wouldn't give the time of day to'; it's not always that necessarily. I mean, the ones that really capture my attention usually only give the signals from a safe distance and the ones I'd hardly notice or aren't interested in seem to flock to me. ?? I'm stumped...

I've heard other women say they only get approached by men they're not attracted to.

Where do you try to meet men? Do you go to bars/clubs? Church?

February 12, 2013

I've tried online dating and it's not for me. I feel it's unnatural, just my personal belief. I feel I do smile back, return the eye contact, even with the ones that women throw themselves at. Still it results in very little. So frustrated...

Hmmm I don't know. Showing interest back usually works for me, that is if the guys are interested and looking at me in the first place. Maybe you're just not doing it in an obvious way or they are not particularly interested.

February 12, 2013

+1

Only men that really pursue me are the ones that I would never be interested in. Just the whole package, looks and intelligence. I don't even show an interest in these men and they seem to take "hi" as an encouragement for stalking. It's actually pretty depressing.

The ones that you feel you would be more attracted to, like mes said, have lots of women after them. I was shocked when I saw how much interest and pursual an average looking friend of mine gets. He is smart and has a good job though.

You have to be pretty aggressive or accept men that you are not that into. Currently, I feel too flat to do either.

February 12, 2013

I am having a really hard time understanding this. I believe and am consistently told that I am very beautiful, sexy, smart, special, etc. by many men in my life. I'm nearly thirty and men always tell me I look under 25. I turn heads on the street and get a lot of male attention from all ages and circumstances. I'm not crazy, clingy, a lush or am putting off a needy vibe. I admit I am picky, and am not easily impressed anymore as I've been around long enough to pick up on guys just looking to get laid. I want to be romanced, and I don't think it's too much to expect to be pursued. I'm open but not actively searching. I'm just living my life and going out in social situations often enough where it's very likely I could meet someone. I'm not putting it out there that I want a serious relationship, but I want something with the possibility of taking it SLOWLY into that. I'm not looking to find a boyfriend or a husband right away. I just want to be taken out on dates and given some affection and attention sometimes.

Yet, I am consistently alone and dateless. For all the men that notice me, only the ones that I would never give the time of day actually have the courage to come after me. The ones I do or possibly could like stay at a safe distance and stare and make eyes at me but never bite other than a brief flirtation. Maybe they are intimidated? And if so, what can I do? I'm not being egotistical but most would look at me and think, 'she can have anyone she wants' but I haven't been in love or even pursued seriously in such a long time. What gives??

What about you approaching the men you like? For my current gf it did the trick!

February 12, 2013

Also, keep in mind, the men you are interested in have a lot of other women interested in them or even throwing themselves at them. So they are less motivated to approach a woman. You'll have to do some of the work.

The ones that you feel you would be more attracted to, like mes said, have lots of women after them. I was shocked when I saw how much interest and pursual an average looking friend of mine gets. He is smart and has a good job though.

Do you ladies mean just the initial stages of approach or showing aggressive interest while you are getting to know him until you start dating?

February 12, 2013

If you are exceptionally attractive and put together, many men will definitely be intimidated by you.

That's why I'd say if you notice, average women or even slightly above average women definitely get a lot of approaches while more attractive women will get more notice and looks however much less approaches, more men will feel much more confident in pursuing someone they don't feel is too out of their league.

Many men do feel that an attractive woman is just looking for the total package in looks, height, income, intelligence etc..and they'll either be intimidated and freeze up when they should make a move or just altogether not even consider it because he'll assume you're likely not even single or maybe even high-maintenance.

The guys who will hit on you more than likely are already the seasoned good looking players/casanovas who have a high batting average, or the creepers who are just so beyond self-awareness and care they don't even realize or care what they've got to offer...like if they're missing that part of their brain that gives them common decency or sense.

Men will also see the success rate much lower with a more attractive woman and they hate to imagine the rejection, plus it can be very hard for guys to act normal around a woman they find very intimidating.

If you put a group of guys in a room around a water cooler sipping on some water from plastic cups...insert an attractive woman into the scene, chances are they're going to get a little quiet, start to focus and turn attention and start getting a bit nervous and probably not make a lot of direct eye contact. Put an average girl in there, she'll either get a friendly hello or few smiles and some small talk even but they'll be more relaxed. Put an extremely overweight unattractive woman in there and they'll just act like nothing even happened or changed, speak freely and when she leaves crack a few jokes at her more than likely.

Therefore, if you're on the "attractive/hot girl" category in your social circle or natural habitat where ever you are from...you will likely need to initiate conversation or make some kind of open and friendly gesture just to give little jimmy enough courage to ask the milk man for some change for his chocolates he's selling at school. This is also likely in your best interest as you get to pick the guys, because the guys who are approaching you like I mentioned above, are usually going to be apart of one or two categories.

More attractive women do need to take more initiative at times....however, this doesn't mean you need to continue to initiate and show interest, you're only going to crack the door so Sparky can nudge his little nose around the door and go through...you're not looking to do all the work and make all the advances showing too much availability and interest, that may give the guy a little bit too much confidence, and if you happen to pick the wrong guy he's going to play the role and go on the offense and you've already made too many gestures of interest....the wrong guy knows what to do with that and how to take advantage of it.

So I'd just say...just be sociable, just be friendly, change your attitude and body language to accommodate that....realize that the way you look in your face, body and dress can come together in a nice package that gives guys a bit of a nervousness when it comes to pulling the trigger.

You could alternatively gain some weight, dress in frumpy plain clothes and not wear any make-up...and if your face is too pretty just throw hair in front of it and let it go a little wild or just pulled back in a pony tail or bun, if you're too pretty though you may be screwed.

But in your reality, you will probably have to exaggerate more openness, friendliness or interest than you feel is "normal", because your vibes are intimidating and maybe even stand-offish. I've met very attractive women who had many men pursuing/approaching and showing interest because they just seemed easy to talk and social.

February 12, 2013

It's almost as if you're just sitting in a chair reading a book, not noticing anyone around you and hoping men will walk up to you and ask you out.

February 12, 2013

If you put a group of guys in a room around a water cooler sipping on some water from plastic cups...insert an attractive woman into the scene, chances are they're going to get a little quiet, start to focus and turn attention and start getting a bit nervous and probably not make a lot of direct eye contact. Put an average girl in there, she'll either get a friendly hello or few smiles and some small talk even but they'll be more relaxed. Put an extremely overweight unattractive woman in there and they'll just act like nothing even happened or changed, speak freely and when she leaves crack a few jokes at her more than likely.

Spot on!

February 12, 2013

One thing I'd like to mention, in that water cooler scenario, if the hot woman walked over to the guys and started talking to them, showing that she won't eat their souls, they'd be fawning all over her.

February 12, 2013

It's almost as if you're just sitting in a chair reading a book, not noticing anyone around you and hoping men will walk up to you and ask you out.

That is exactly her problem!

February 12, 2013

Yet, I am consistently alone and dateless. For all the men that notice me, only the ones that I would never give the time of day actually have the courage to come after me. The ones I do or possibly could like stay at a safe distance and stare and make eyes at me but never bite other than a brief flirtation. Maybe they are intimidated? And if so, what can I do? I'm not being egotistical but most would look at me and think, 'she can have anyone she wants' but I haven't been in love or even pursued seriously in such a long time. What gives??

Honestly, I think you are being a lazy dater. Why are you not giving the men who approach you a longer chance? I feel like you're just giving guys 1 minute to impress you or feel a "connection," and that's just not realistic because some people don't make good first impressions. If you see a guy you like, go talk to him and start a casual conversation, and if he is interested he will ask you out. Where do you live - try joining a co-ed softball/soccer team to meet guys.

February 12, 2013

I was single for 5 years before I met my husband. I mean I was really, really single. Not even a coffee date. Not even a stroll in the park. Nothing. And there were some men in my social circle who seemed interested in me.

Now, I don't know what made me so man-repellent for 5 years, but since there is nothing wrong with me physically, it must have been something I was doing. When I look back from the space of time and experience i think it was a vibe I was giving off.

This is probably what's happening with you too. Maybe you give off a vibe which says "not interested", "too high maintainance", "unapproachable"' "difficult"::..the list goes on. I'm not saying you are any of those things, but it's possible this is how men interpret it.

It's very difficult to change the way people view you, but maybe try a different approach next time someone catches your eye. I never tried to change my attitude and as a result spent half a decade single.

February 12, 2013

Wow I almost thought I was reading about myself when reading your opening post! I agree with a lot of people...you probably need to be more proactive in your approach to dating and take control of who you talk to, rather than always letting them come to you (I am guilty of the same).

I know a big problem for me is the fear of rejection...it's always something that's held me back, even when I'm dating or in a relationship. Maybe you can relate to that? To make it even harder, it's more of a subconscious fear and I'm almost unable to express my feelings when I like someone.

If we're not happy with the way something is, we need to change the way we do things, or we're always going to get the same results. We should also look to ourselves to see what we can change or be more aware of. A little soul searching can be very insightful and surprising.

February 12, 2013

For all the men that notice me, only the ones that I would never give the time of day actually have the courage to come after me.

-------------------

hm how about stop being shallow and at least have a cup of coffee with them?

you can't judge them by their looks. it's all about personality right? lol

February 13, 2013

I am having a really hard time understanding this. I believe and am consistently told that I am very beautiful, sexy, smart, special, etc. by many men in my life. I'm nearly thirty and men always tell me I look under 25. I turn heads on the street and get a lot of male attention from all ages and circumstances. I'm not crazy, clingy, a lush or am putting off a needy vibe. I admit I am picky, and am not easily impressed anymore as I've been around long enough to pick up on guys just looking to get laid. I want to be romanced, and I don't think it's too much to expect to be pursued. I'm open but not actively searching. I'm just living my life and going out in social situations often enough where it's very likely I could meet someone. I'm not putting it out there that I want a serious relationship, but I want something with the possibility of taking it SLOWLY into that. I'm not looking to find a boyfriend or a husband right away. I just want to be taken out on dates and given some affection and attention sometimes.

Yet, I am consistently alone and dateless. For all the men that notice me, only the ones that I would never give the time of day actually have the courage to come after me. The ones I do or possibly could like stay at a safe distance and stare and make eyes at me but never bite other than a brief flirtation. Maybe they are intimidated? And if so, what can I do? I'm not being egotistical but most would look at me and think, 'she can have anyone she wants' but I haven't been in love or even pursued seriously in such a long time. What gives??

Lol...Jesus, what an outdated view. And you wonder why you're never approached? Have you ever thought of smashing the stereotype and actually going up to a MAN and asking him out? I have never once been approached by a woman, which is a pretty sad state of affairs. It's always been me having to do the asking, which quite frankly pisses me off. I'm not bad looking and am well educated but if women expect to be treated equally then stop thinking men should do all the chasing!

February 13, 2013

A very long dry spell. Well join the club. I haven't been on a date since February 2011.

But I'm a guy so maybe it's different for me...

February 13, 2013

Your post kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

You're pretty much expecting the highest class of men to be approaching YOU and decline any offers from lesser quality men.

So you are indeed being flirted with, given attention to, and even asked out, but you choose to reject that.

Here is the simple truth: If you think a man is attractive, smart, resourceful, etc. etc. etc., likely there are 20 other women whom see the same thing. Think of that as competition. Do you plan to sit back and let one of them win him over, or are you going to join the fight?

It seems like you're pissed that a man doesn't just drop from the sky into your hands. It's sad, really.

February 13, 2013

I've heard other women say they only get approached by men they're not attracted to.

Where do you try to meet men? Do you go to bars/clubs? Church?

That seems to be the case with me!

I don't TRY but I go to bars, clubs, my work environment is male-dominated.

February 13, 2013

If you are exceptionally attractive and put together, many men will definitely be intimidated by you.

That's why I'd say if you notice, average women or even slightly above average women definitely get a lot of approaches while more attractive women will get more notice and looks however much less approaches, more men will feel much more confident in pursuing someone they don't feel is too out of their league.

Many men do feel that an attractive woman is just looking for the total package in looks, height, income, intelligence etc..and they'll either be intimidated and freeze up when they should make a move or just altogether not even consider it because he'll assume you're likely not even single or maybe even high-maintenance.

The guys who will hit on you more than likely are already the seasoned good looking players/casanovas who have a high batting average, or the creepers who are just so beyond self-awareness and care they don't even realize or care what they've got to offer...like if they're missing that part of their brain that gives them common decency or sense.

Men will also see the success rate much lower with a more attractive woman and they hate to imagine the rejection, plus it can be very hard for guys to act normal around a woman they find very intimidating.

If you put a group of guys in a room around a water cooler sipping on some water from plastic cups...insert an attractive woman into the scene, chances are they're going to get a little quiet, start to focus and turn attention and start getting a bit nervous and probably not make a lot of direct eye contact. Put an average girl in there, she'll either get a friendly hello or few smiles and some small talk even but they'll be more relaxed. Put an extremely overweight unattractive woman in there and they'll just act like nothing even happened or changed, speak freely and when she leaves crack a few jokes at her more than likely.

Therefore, if you're on the "attractive/hot girl" category in your social circle or natural habitat where ever you are from...you will likely need to initiate conversation or make some kind of open and friendly gesture just to give little jimmy enough courage to ask the milk man for some change for his chocolates he's selling at school. This is also likely in your best interest as you get to pick the guys, because the guys who are approaching you like I mentioned above, are usually going to be apart of one or two categories.

More attractive women do need to take more initiative at times....however, this doesn't mean you need to continue to initiate and show interest, you're only going to crack the door so Sparky can nudge his little nose around the door and go through...you're not looking to do all the work and make all the advances showing too much availability and interest, that may give the guy a little bit too much confidence, and if you happen to pick the wrong guy he's going to play the role and go on the offense and you've already made too many gestures of interest....the wrong guy knows what to do with that and how to take advantage of it.

So I'd just say...just be sociable, just be friendly, change your attitude and body language to accommodate that....realize that the way you look in your face, body and dress can come together in a nice package that gives guys a bit of a nervousness when it comes to pulling the trigger.

You could alternatively gain some weight, dress in frumpy plain clothes and not wear any make-up...and if your face is too pretty just throw hair in front of it and let it go a little wild or just pulled back in a pony tail or bun, if you're too pretty though you may be screwed.

But in your reality, you will probably have to exaggerate more openness, friendliness or interest than you feel is "normal", because your vibes are intimidating and maybe even stand-offish. I've met very attractive women who had many men pursuing/approaching and showing interest because they just seemed easy to talk and social.

Thank you, this is very insightful. I'd say in all honesty, and just going by what friends and men have told me, I'm usually the prettiest woman in the room. So others would and do say I'm exceptionally attractive and put together. I'm also in a pretty awesome career in a male-dominated field and I have the smarts to keep up with the boys. I totally agree that my vibes may be intimidating and stand-offish. I can work on that!

The guys that you described as the ones who DO come on to me absolutely fit into those two categories! Too funny...you nailed it

February 13, 2013

It's almost as if you're just sitting in a chair reading a book, not noticing anyone around you and hoping men will walk up to you and ask you out.

No, no, not at all!! I just don't want to be the one to pursue that's all. Maybe I am being a little lazy.. I'm just old fashioned I guess. I put out the signals, and I have asked men out (very rarely). I'm not talking about being approached and asked out, I'm talking about taking it one step further and being PURSUED on a regular basis. Maybe I was being a little vague.

It's like I can grab their attention, but can't hold it or get it past a superficial level (the ones I like).

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