stevie_23 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 So…I was musing to myself while having a cigarette before that I wondered if people, after a BU, ever get to a place of being “settled” with regard to their feelings for that particular ex. I thought that yes, I am definitely “settled” with regard to my first ex, who broke up with me in 2001. We are best friends still and since shortly after she broke up with me, I have felt settled about that. When I say “settled” I mean I am firm and 100% complete in my feelings for her as “just friends” and my feelings in general about her and that relationship have remained unchanged for a very, very long time. So they likely won’t really change again very much, if at all, in the future. But with regard to my more recent ex (LDR / affair - who left me in December last year), I wonder if the place I’m at NOW will be my “settled” place. I don’t feel in any way that I AM settled about him and our relationship, but I don’t really know how I will ever be, because (and this is the realisation part coming up)… I am still with my long term partner of almost 12 years, and as far as that relationship goes, nothing has changed. I feel I am not able to move on any further from my ex-affair relationship because I don’t see that anything will change in terms of my life the way it is now. I won’t (as far as I know) be falling in love with someone new, someone to “replace” or “redirect” my old feelings for him. I don’t think I can fall BACK in love with my long term partner. So for me, the only other option would be to go back to how I was before I got into the affair with my ex. And yet, how can I possibly do that? I have changed, my outlook has changed, it was 2 years ago when we got together. I CAN’T just go backwards and “forget” everything that happened during that time. So…how do I actually move on so my “settled” place with regard to him is not just…where it is right now? I don’t want to stay in the mental place I’m in now forever.
grace777 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Hi Stevie - you always give such sound and eloquently-put advice...I'll attempt to now give you my two cents in a way that I hope is beneficial for you. From reading your posts over the last bit of time, it seems that you have had a MAJOR unveiling in your life. I think you need to step back a bit and really think about what you want in your own life and where you'd like to be - how you'd like to be feeling - and who you picture along-side you say, 5 years from now. It seems you are not ecstatic in your current relationship. I could be wrong on this assessment, but it seems like you and your long-term partner are more like best friends/family, than lovers. And while that's comforting (and there is real love there, no doubt), you've been experiencing this for a relatively significant amount of time. Is this all you want out of a committed love? My assumption is no - so I think you should try to fix it. The only way to do that is to dig within your own self and see what comes up. That may mean counseling for you. And counseling for you both as a couple. And if that doesn't work out to bring back intensity and passion for the two of you, you may need to consider moving onto something new...on your own. Maybe this recent breakup with the man you were dating for 2 years had a purpose..? To show you the kind of exhileration that can be felt for someone else by you?? Maybe it's time to go and find it now. It could be with a man, maybe with another woman, maybe with your current partner again... But I think you should treat this breakup as a kind of enlightenment of sorts. Perhaps this will get you to more of an acceptance stage. Moving forward, learning more about yourself and your own desires is always exciting.
lollipop29 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It's like you have put my own feelings and thoughts into words! I've thought about this scenario a lot, because it has happened to me quite a few times as I've been in a very long relationship as well and I've also had some emotional affairs. I would think, 'well my affair partner can move on with his life as he goes and falls into infatuation with someone else, but i do not have infatuation on my horizon. i have my same old partner, just going back to the same old relationship without those increases of dopamine, those natural romantic highs' One thing I've learned that stuck out to me is that the men I gravitate towards (outside of my current relationship) are men that I admire. They have something that I not only want to have in my partner, but in myself. Maybe they are adventurous, maybe they are motivated and passionate, or they try new things every weekend, or they are philosophical. The affair partner brings out a certain side of you that you do not reveal around your long term partner. Because to our long term partner, we are the same old "me" we've always been. But people grow and change, and we are able to show updated versions of ourselves when we meet new people. Hence, affairs. Try to think about what you loved about your ex and see if it's something you admired. CAn you incorporate any of that into yourself? And can you love yourself and find happiness within yourself, rather than externally? Can you take up new hobbies or interests to fulfill your life from within, rather than from other people? If you can do that, then whatever relationships you are in will be an added bonus to your life, but not the definition or main source of happiness in your life.
Recommended Posts