The guys that date well, and those that don't date at all....

[Fatdrifter]

Hey guys, as you can probably guess from my screen name, as you can guess from the screen name, I'm a bit of a piece of work. I'll try not to rant a lot on it, but I think I've reached the point where I need a bit of help in dating.

 

I've been successful in many things in life; I've went to college (graduated, and I've been going for a 2nd time), I've played a variety of musical instruments for over a decade (music major), I've played concerts, been an eagle scout, etc.

 

Despite all this, I never really had a great social life; I've always been the small social circle type, oddball friends, and what I guess (what can I say people have their definitions) a mediocre dating/sex life. Then again......just dating life.

 

I think I know the reason tho; I grew up with a lot of learning disability issues. It's not like Autism or anything, but most of my childhood/school experiences (college being the exception) can be summed up by three words; Executive Function Disorder. For those that don't know what it is, the truth is, not many professionals do either. It's summed up as being a blanket combination of potential issues; autism, aspergers syndrome, depression, ADHD, etc. Basically webMD covers what most of it is about: Executive Function Skills and Disorders

 

They say it affects regulation and organization with school and independence; I've gotten past those. But socially? Not by a longshot. Most of my formative years I spent "under the gun" trying to do well in school, etc; I think maybe I've missed out on developing good, solid, attractive social skills. That and going to public school you can bet I didn't go unaware of it. A lot of things I've learned about myself and the world I've done alone.

 

Honestly, I took up music young because growing up I saw red flags telling me that I'd have to find ways to compensate.

 

 

I dated some late in college. In 2006 I had my first relationship. By the end of 2008 (when I finished up with college) I had gotten better; I dated a lot. I can't say a lot more than that, but it didn't go far. Maybe I just have/had quirks that girls can't/couldn't overlook (some tickling kink?) but I just kept meeting girls til around mid 2009 for what I call "one and done dates"; dates that basically involve going out, meeting someone, never meeting them again after the girl leaves things at "friends". I did have a relationship for a bit in 2009. Basically tho, my relationships fall into the category of short and meaningless; they never made it beyond two months.

 

I've never had a date since May 2009. I'm nearing 29.

 

I've always sucked at "regular dating"; my issues turned me into the shy type that just found himself pushed to the "online" scene (the early years of facebook and the late years of myspace were great years; I found out a lot of good things and scored what I think were hot dates!), but still, even when I broke the shy shell, I haven't found any of the answers. Last year I asked out a few girls, trying to put my issues with cold approaches to the side; I've gotten numbers from girls I've asked, but conversations just never take off and fly, when I try to initiate them via text. In person it's all "oh so happy to see you, what a great guy" BS, and then the true nature is shown to me when my back is turned. I feel almost like me taking action in wanting to have actual productive conversation with any woman is indiscriminate from just trying to jump down their pants anyhow. Because now? I'm the same as every other guy. I even met a girl I went to college with a few years ago at a show; I sent her a facebook message asking about a limiter setting (she's a graduate in sound engineering, so she'd clearly be able to tell). Even she can't be bothered to share in casual conversation.

 

I don't mean to sound pervasively negative, but the name "fat drifter" comes from the fact that obviously I'm fat, but I feel consistently like people seem to just want to get talking with me over and done with so I'll **** off and "drift" over to the next person who doesn't care to deal with me. And considering I'm polite, soft spoken, and good humored (considering the way things are), I just don't see it. Not unless my face is so unbearably ugly to look at; but I don't think it is. Despite all my shortcomings, ironically, I'm quite satisfied with the person that I am. I just don't think other people are.

 

My physical description? 6'1, 295 pounds (but this weight I had back in college after I gained alot, and that didn't prevent me from dating, so I don't see why it should now, tho I'm making efforts to lose weight), dark brown eyes, dark brown hair, plastic rimmed glasses. Goofy, yet sarcastic sense of humor, direct yet indirect way of interacting with people. I tend to be brutally honest at times.

 

I don't smoke, I rarely drink (trust me, it's great this way, considering how much I used to drink).

 

 

Is this common? Is it common to just feel so alien in the world of dating/relationships and never progress to any sense of normality with dating people and forming lasting relationships? This song prettymuch sums up my thoughts on it;

 

If anyone has experienced the same deal? What do you do about it? What's the way "out"? I'm willing to answer any and all available questions, as I want to end this dry spell for good. I know this is a monster post, but this has been a long time coming.

[Fatdrifter]

I'm beginning to think this was posted in the wrong forum?

[Xeno531]

Well I don't have the experience necessary to advise you with this, as I would consider myself quite young and immature as far as dating is concerned, but hopefully knowing people are reading your post will help?

 

My thinking at the minute is that telling you I've read it and can't offer any useful advice is pointless but I'd say you just need to wait until someone who can actually offer something uselful comes along and reads your post.

 

The only reason I'm posting this (even though it does seem pointless) is because I figure that letting you know this and at least giving you some feedback is better than nothing at all being posted in reply without you knowing why.

 

Sorry I can't help.

[sharkbite]

I know how it goes man, everyone is basically too good to deal with you it comes off as, maybe i am wrong?

 

I think it has a lot to do with them also, you can't always blame yourself for every interaction/conversation you have with people and why it didn't spark a relationship.

 

Some people just have great luck or have the generic bf ways, keeping to themselves, staying in shape, having the job, but not really causing any rifts in the world....its a humble easy way of going about life.....Thats not me....and it doesn't sound like thats you either.

 

Just keep doing what your doing, give it the energy at times but know that your life should not be based around impressing or proving something to other people.....i've given up on that, now I am going back to school and learning piano for me, F*Ck everyone else....

 

your not doing anything wrong, keep losing weight and appreciate the benefits....have confidence, keep your chin up....but again, live the life for yourself because honestly relationships are not guaranteed for any of us. I've had 3 .....2 that lasted 4-5 months and the last one about 8-9 months I question why they don't last....just as you question why your 2 month one didn't last. Its rough out there.....just have to keep on keeping on and try not to beat yourself up....the world will do that for you.

[Fatdrifter]

Well I don't have the experience necessary to advise you with this, as I would consider myself quite young and immature as far as dating is concerned, but hopefully knowing people are reading your post will help?

 

My thinking at the minute is that telling you I've read it and can't offer any useful advice is pointless but I'd say you just need to wait until someone who can actually offer something uselful comes along and reads your post.

 

The only reason I'm posting this (even though it does seem pointless) is because I figure that letting you know this and at least giving you some feedback is better than nothing at all being posted in reply without you knowing why.

 

Sorry I can't help.

 

Action being better than inaction. A fine moral to learn.

[Fatdrifter]

I know how it goes man, everyone is basically too good to deal with you it comes off as, maybe i am wrong?

 

I think it has a lot to do with them also, you can't always blame yourself for every interaction/conversation you have with people and why it didn't spark a relationship.

 

Some people just have great luck or have the generic bf ways, keeping to themselves, staying in shape, having the job, but not really causing any rifts in the world....its a humble easy way of going about life.....Thats not me....and it doesn't sound like thats you either.

 

Just keep doing what your doing, give it the energy at times but know that your life should not be based around impressing or proving something to other people.....i've given up on that, now I am going back to school and learning piano for me, F*Ck everyone else....

 

your not doing anything wrong, keep losing weight and appreciate the benefits....have confidence, keep your chin up....but again, live the life for yourself because honestly relationships are not guaranteed for any of us. I've had 3 .....2 that lasted 4-5 months and the last one about 8-9 months I question why they don't last....just as you question why your 2 month one didn't last. Its rough out there.....just have to keep on keeping on and try not to beat yourself up....the world will do that for you.

 

 

Well it is difficult but I deal with it. The mindset is just "I know I'm not perfect but I know I'm not that horrible either". But it seems even when I scrape the bottom of the barrel it's as if I'm not good enough for them either. Hence the song I put up; the lyrics are about squandered last chances. I'm sick tho of hearing I'm "handsome" from ppl and then feeling like my looks have something to do with it. It's like going to a diner and being seated opposite a mirror. You ask yourself "where did I go wrong?"

 

Let me clarify; I know why my last relationships ended. The ones that went past dating rudiments, I mean. One girl basically got with me because I reminded her of a fling she never chased. Well after he was open it was easy to cheat on and leave me. The other this girl thought I was a self-critical person who I guess affected her? She also kept encouraging me to drink my ****ing *** off when I basically said I quit that. Well apparently me going to one of her parties and following her advice in front of her friends was the "breaking point". Go figure. And she was a YouTube celeb. So much for genius.