somedude81 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I love how everybody is now telling him to wait a bit first, message her on FB send texts, essentially become her friend. Hello! That's how you get friendzoned! 1
KungFuJoe Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Confidence does have a lot to do with it. Inner confidence. You can't fake it or put on an act. I really believe I can have any woman I set my eyes on. I just automatically assume women will dig me, just because I have a lot to offer. Not in a cocky way, just in the sense that, I feel most women will either look at me positively or neutrally. Never negatively. You can't fake that sort of thing. It seems as if when you ask them out, you create this huge scenario in your mind, and in the back of your mind, anticipate rejection. I don't really ask a girl out per se. I tell her to come out with me, I don't ask as if I'm seeking permission. Wrong: -can I have your number or something? -can we go out or something? Right: -give me your number -let's go out sometime Big difference between the two. Let's be honest here. If a girl likes you, whether you say the "wrong" or the "right" won't make a lick of difference. You could stumble over to her, trip over your feet, spill her drink in her lap, and ask for her number with a stutter and if she likes you, she'll say yes. These little nuances don't mean jack. People aren't that fickle. If it's a cold approach, then it's 100% physical. If it's someone within your circle then she's already long established whether or not your dating material. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Seriously why does rejection have to feel so painful? I noticed its always particular painful when its not a cold-approach rejection (cold approach rejections don't really sting much) and if you aren't exactly expecting it, especially if you are feeling super confident at first. Like today I got rejected when I asked out a woman who has just kind of become a part of my social circle though I only knew her for a couple of weeks, she seemed nice and we got along great but she wasn't interested and when she rejected me at first I felt sort of surprised and it seemed somewhat funny mainly due to the whole awkwardness of the situation, but then after I walked off I felt that crushing feeling of despair that pierced my heart. I almost had to fight back a tear as pathetic as that sounds. Now the whole mood of my day has changed. Plus now I may have lost a potential friend, and associate. I think this is one of the reasons I have so few women in my social circle, I keep trying to ask them out. Honestly I think dating, relationships, sex, etc. just isn't for me its not like I've experienced anything else other than rejection. Perhaps this isn't part of my purpose. Unfortunately its extremely difficult to gauge interest for me. Women never flirt with me so it becomes difficult to pick up any possible subtle flirtation. Plus I have a habit of always mistaking friendliness for interest like in this situation. Though I get what you are saying. As for how I asked her out. This is after talking to her for a few minutes about other stuff. Me: So [her name] are you busy this weekend.... (I was going to add more but she kind of interrupted) Her: I um... meeting someone on the weekend for... valentine's day, yeah... meeting someone.... , sorry have a nice day. (the way she said this kind of makes me doubt she is doing something with someone on valentine's day, just seemed odd, too many stutters and pauses) Me: Oh, oh okay then, well I have to go, see you around. She wants somebody better than you. Likely somebody better looking. Hey, that's OK (it doesn't matter what SHE looks like BTW). At least you are a tall, decent looking kid. So what if nobody likes you for a while. You are healthy and you don't have any major handicaps or disfigurements. Life could be a lot worse.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Let's be honest here. If a girl likes you, whether you say the "wrong" or the "right" won't make a lick of difference. You could stumble over to her, trip over your feet, spill her drink in her lap, and ask for her number with a stutter and if she likes you, she'll say yes. Challenge accepted
Author Necris Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 First of all, I'm sorry to here about your struggles. I have had many struggles with trying to get dates as well and can relate to the frustration and pain. Lots of bad advice in this thread. Never settle for less than makes you happy. You are human and it is totally normal to feel bad after getting rejected by someone who you know well and have spent time with quite a bit. Especially when rejection happens nearly exclusively. I think the best thing for you is to expand your social circle as much as possible, meet more women, chat with them, and try to find a girl who likes you enough to go on a date. A lot of this confidence talk is total garbage. I have never heard a guy/girl reject someone because he/she didn't have enough confidence. Thanks. One problem with the social circle is that if I do social circle approaches, she could be friendly at first, but if I ask her out after she rejects me she'll avoid me as much as possible and become unfriendly eventually fading away from my life. I've never been the popular social guy so I've always had a small social circle, and unfortunately I've never had friends that would introduce me to women, so it is hard to grow a social circle, especially when you sabotage it by asking out girls within your social circle.
somedude81 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 You need to assume it's not you, but it's her. Just making this shift will allow you to stop feeling the sting of rejection in such a powerful way. So if a man is rejected by 100 women in a row, it's all them and not about him?
KungFuJoe Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 So if a man is rejected by 100 women in a row, it's all them and not about him? No...it's definitely you.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks. One problem with the social circle is that if I do social circle approaches, she could be friendly at first, but if I ask her out after she rejects me she'll avoid me as much as possible and become unfriendly eventually fading away from my life. I've never been the popular social guy so I've always had a small social circle, and unfortunately I've never had friends that would introduce me to women, so it is hard to grow a social circle, especially when you sabotage it by asking out girls within your social circle. I think you have to practice being a little more subtle. Like when you meet a new girl, just talk to her and get to know her a little first. Then if you are interested be flirty, or do something as simple as compliment something about her. Show her you are attracted and gauge her response. You generally want some indicator that a women will say yes to a date before you ask her.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Yes Necris. The thing about meeting women via your social circles is that you don't have to rush. You take the time to get to know them as a friend, a real friend. (Not a friend zone friend) You get to see how they really act and decide "is this someone I want to ask out. Odds are 90% of the time as you get to know them more the less you'll like them that way. This also gives them time to get to know you beyond external looks and such. At least 10% of the time they will get to know you and come to like your personality to some degree. In the meantime your working on skills relating to people as friends which will translate to romantic relationships as well.
Author Necris Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 I think you have to practice being a little more subtle. Like when you meet a new girl, just talk to her and get to know her a little first. Then if you are interested be flirty, or do something as simple as compliment something about her. Show her you are attracted and gauge her response. You generally want some indicator that a women will say yes to a date before you ask her. Actually this is my normal course of action, I'm unfortunately terrible at gauging interest and I don't really know much about flirting. To me I thought she was interested but she was really just being friendly, I have no idea what to look for because I never get women ever flirting with me.
Author Necris Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 So if a man is rejected by 100 women in a row, it's all them and not about him? When you are rejected literally 100% of the time, there is only one common denominator and that is you. That's why I don't understand it when people say "remember its them not you" as that makes no sense. Now if you got rejected some of the time and had alot of "successes" then yeah I guess you can say its "them" and not you. 1
Bristolius Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 When you are rejected literally 100% of the time, there is only one common denominator and that is you. That's why I don't understand it when people say "remember its them not you" as that makes no sense. Now if you got rejected some of the time and had alot of "successes" then yeah I guess you can say its "them" and not you. Maybe it's how you act and what you say. It's not really you, but it's the only you the woman gets to experience. If this is the case there's hope.
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Actually this is my normal course of action, I'm unfortunately terrible at gauging interest and I don't really know much about flirting. To me I thought she was interested but she was really just being friendly, I have no idea what to look for because I never get women ever flirting with me. When you are rejected literally 100% of the time, there is only one common denominator and that is you. That's why I don't understand it when people say "remember its them not you" as that makes no sense. Now if you got rejected some of the time and had alot of "successes" then yeah I guess you can say its "them" and not you. It has dawned on me that people need a way to internalize the rejection, if they get rejected at all. It seems to me there are a few major different ways. 1) The majority seem to think that they are really good looking and a really good catch and that anybody who rejects them is either delusional or idiotic. 2) Others are able to reason that it just wouldn't have been a good match. This one is difficult to internalize because the woman may end up dating others who are similarly incompatible, but better looking. A few are able to do this successfully though. 3) They take it upon themselves, and continuously kick themselves in the stomach, crushing their self esteem and becoming bitter. This was formerly me. I have come up with what seems to be a new method. Just be grateful for what looks that you have. There's no need to declare yourself the best thing since sliced bread and put yourself on a pedestal above others. Others will reject you based on looks. Watch the video I posted a few threads back and you WILL be grateful for what looks you have. It's almost like a Jesuit "Thank God for what we have" kind of philosophy, but it might work for you, Necris. Try it.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Necris, hope you're feeling better today. You mentioned that you don't have many women in your social circle. IIRC most of the things you do for fun are either physically solitary (e.g. videogames) or male-dominated. Would you ever consider expanding your hobbies? Maybe try out a few that are very popular with women? If you don't like them stop after a couple of sessions, but you might discover a couple of new interests that you love...and at the same time, come in contact with a lot more women, often in social settings conducive to this sort of thing. Just a thought.
Recommended Posts