Loveshax Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 In a gay relationship. I broke up with my girlfriend because frankly, I care for her very much and I'm tired of hurting her. She is so supportive, loving and loyal and for some INSANE reason she loves me. I am the complete opposite: selfish, insensitive and inconsiderate. I will never meet anyone like her again. Part of me wants her to find someone that will be there for her 100% of the time and treat her like gold. I wish I could be that person but realistically speaking, I know it's impossible. At the same time, I know she loved me so much, and I'm afraid that I am the only person that could make her the happiest. Any thoughts?
Author Loveshax Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 How much time you got? Haha To sum it up, I suffer from EXTREMELY low self-esteem issues (parents divorced blah blah blah). For one, this girl is GORGEOUS (like seriously gorgeous, model-caliber). Which is funny because in the past I've always fallen harder for girls that were far less attractive but way more emotionally unavailable.
soccerrprp Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Why can you not be what she needs? The OP is gay and his ex wants a heterosexual relationship.
stevie_23 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 If she doesn’t feel it, she doesn’t feel it and she can’t FORCE herself to feel it, you know? It’s not her fault. It’s not her girlfriend’s fault. Just the way it is sometimes, unfortunately. Loveshax, in terms of the worry that you may be the only one your girlfriend can ever feel this way about? That she won’t be able to ever love someone as much as you? Nah. Eventually she will find someone she really loves again. Don’t worry about that. Don’t let that be any sort of reason or complication in this break up. It’s nice you care about her being happy, and if it’s true that you really cannot make her happy with the way you feel (or don’t feel) about her, then the only way for her to BE truly happy is to let her eventually find someone else who CAN give her what she needs and deserves. I think, if you really have not been treating her the best (and I don’t know if this is true. You say you’re selfish, insensitive, etc, but maybe you DO treat her well despite this, and your reasons for leaving are simply because you don’t feel that love-spark for her, which is ok), she will be so used to being with you and accepting this treatment that at first it’ll be really hard for her, but eventually, she will realise, when she meets someone who REALLY is in love with her and treats her as such, the HUGE difference it makes to be in that kind of relationship as opposed to the one you two were in. 1
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Loveshax, As Stevie alludes to also...you said that you 'care for her very much'..but you didn't say that you love her. Sounds like she loves you though. Are you sure you don't love her? So you're letting her go so she can be free of a one-sided relationship - right?
grace777 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Loveshax - I think the main question here is, do you love her? Because you may be selling yourself short. You may not be as inconsiderate as you are thinking, perhaps something can be worked out...if you love her too? So again, do you love her? If you don't, I think it's very sweet that you care so much about her still. But you have to live your life. She will find love again, although it may be incredibly difficult for her to imagine it now. She'll find it. How long ago was the breakup? Do you still talk? Conversely, if you believe that you two were meant to be, and you do love her and are simply afraid of not being the kind of girl she needs, then I say drop this act and let her know. But that's just me - I'm still a believer in "love conquers all" and all that other sappy stuff. I call it sappy, but I really do believe that if two people genuinely care, and do have a deep connection, they can overcome anything. But both parties have to be on board. 1
Author Loveshax Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 To be honest with you guys, I'm still really confused about what love is. In the past I thought love had to do with butterflies. I felt intense physical attractions for people and thought I loved them. But we were completely not compatible and looking back, it seemed like less than love. With this girl, we have an intense bond. Like best friends. I am also very physically attracted to her. But I don't feel those butterflies. Part of it has to do with the fact that she immediately expressed her feelings for me, and I didn't have to do much "chasing" if that makes sense. I'm having trouble trying to interpret all of this. I do know that I love her, because I would do anything for her. But does this mean I am in love with her? Confused...
grace777 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well that makes total sense. I think most of us have been there. But the "butterflies" thing goes away (except for a few moments every now and again) in relationships. That's one of the exciting parts of brand new relationships. Those butterflies get replaced by a true, deep and connected love once you're in a relationship for awhile. How long did you two date? And how long have you been broken up? Did you go chasing other butterflies, and that's why you left her?
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Loveshax, Don't do something stupid and let this girl go and then regret it. Sounds like you may actually have a deeper, more sustaining love for this person - the kind that can actually last. That butterfly crap is temporary. Try to take some time away from her in a 'non-controversial way' ie don't ask for a break - that's too formal and will raise alarm bells. I think you'll find that you miss her and really do love her. Then, work on yourself - you're probably not as selfish as you think you are. Don't let 'You don't know know what you got until its over' become your new theme song!
Author Loveshax Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks for your words of encouragement. Means more than you know. I guess I need to work on bettering myself. I would definitely say I'm a commitment-phobe, not only with love but in other aspects of my life as well. I'm very impulsive and the allure of "chasing butterflies" was what ultimately led me to believe we should go our separate ways. *we dated for over a year, and only been broken up a week!
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Only a week? Defo not too late to get her back then if you want it. There's a song out now by Pink and the theme is fear of commitment and the chorus goes something like this: "Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die You've gotta get up and try try try, Gotta get up and try try try' Give it a listen!
Author Loveshax Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 I'll youtube it now! As for getting back together, I think I want to give her some space for now. It's been a rollercoaster these past few weeks as we've gone back and forth trying to figure out what to do. I just want to clear my head and take a break. I do miss her terribly, but I can't figure if it's in a codependent unhealthy way. I guess I'm in my head too much.
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 ok. but don't wait too long once you realise you love her, which I think you do. Song is called 'Try" by Pink.
grace777 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Loveshax - I'm a lesbian too and dealing with a breakup that sounds very similar to what you're going through. However, I was the dumpee.... So here's my advice. Yes, take a break and stop the back-and-forth. It's Hell on the dumpee. Wait until you know what you want. But, as already stated, don't wait too long. Do some serious soul searching right now. The butterflies part, does end...always. Or at a minimum becomes less frequent. But at the same time, you should feel passion and intense love for your partner. I'd love to hear updates and your thought process. There aren't many lesbians on this site, and I do feel that it is a slightly different ball game, compared to a man/woman relationship. Two women typically can mean more emotion and deep ties...and an unwillingness to let go. But by all means, if you want her, fight to get her back. Don't let a good love slip through your fingers. On the other side of that coin, don't sell yourself out for something that's just "comfortable" either. Good luck!
destroyed4sho Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 To be honest with you guys, I'm still really confused about what love is. In the past I thought love had to do with butterflies. I felt intense physical attractions for people and thought I loved them. But we were completely not compatible and looking back, it seemed like less than love. With this girl, we have an intense bond. Like best friends. I am also very physically attracted to her. But I don't feel those butterflies. Part of it has to do with the fact that she immediately expressed her feelings for me, and I didn't have to do much "chasing" if that makes sense. I'm having trouble trying to interpret all of this. I do know that I love her, because I would do anything for her. But does this mean I am in love with her? Confused... If you are even questioning if you are "in love" with her....then you are NOT. When you are in love, you KNOW you are in love, no question about it or need for analyzing it........ It's like bigger than the moon, sun, stars, fireworks, sunshine....etc....
destroyed4sho Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 In a gay relationship. I broke up with my girlfriend because frankly, I care for her very much and I'm tired of hurting her. She is so supportive, loving and loyal and for some INSANE reason she loves me. I am the complete opposite: selfish, insensitive and inconsiderate. I will never meet anyone like her again. Part of me wants her to find someone that will be there for her 100% of the time and treat her like gold. I wish I could be that person but realistically speaking, I know it's impossible. At the same time, I know she loved me so much, and I'm afraid that I am the only person that could make her the happiest. Any thoughts? You basically are saying you cannot meet her expectations so rather than trying, it is easier for you to break up with her. Since you already have BU with her, I suggest you tell her exactly what is on this post so that she understands that it was not her fault or anything she could have done. This will help with her grieving process and speed it along. Why would you think that you are the only person that can make her happy??? I highly doubt it.
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I personally don’t think it matters whether you think you’re in love or not, or whether you have everything worked out on a mental level in your head. What matters is if you want to BE with her. Do you want to be with her? You say you would do anything for her, but DO you? You said in your original post that you’re selfish and inconsiderate? So that would imply to me that you hold back from showing her how you feel for her sometimes, or most of the time. Does SHE think you’re selfish and inconsiderate? Does SHE feel loved by YOU?
Katriunrod Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I'll youtube it now! As for getting back together, I think I want to give her some space for now. It's been a rollercoaster these past few weeks as we've gone back and forth trying to figure out what to do. I just want to clear my head and take a break. I do miss her terribly, but I can't figure if it's in a codependent unhealthy way. I guess I'm in my head too much. Hey, it seems amazing and unique to see that we are going to the same situation the only thing is that im the one who got dumped. the same words you stated are the same words my bf used to break up with me. and i will tell you the same and ask? did you feel happy with her? was it a matter of just missing thee butterflies? did she ever tell you you were selfish or complained of how you treated her? i just saw you said you love her and that she loves you a lot. so why breaking up? look at it from my perspective, maybe she expresssed the feelings because she saw in you the one and didnt want to let you go.
Katriunrod Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 look at things like this: my bf broke up with me a week ago too. i never felt butterflies but i know i love him till death and i will. he treated me like a princess and i would give what i dont have to be with him back again. Dont lose the opportunity of having a great future with her. keep us posted!!!
GG3 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 I'm wondering if you analyze too much. Do you have anxiety issues?
Author Loveshax Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Wow, thanks guys for all the great responses. It's not easy going through stuff like this, especially on Valentines Day. To answer the last question, I definitely overanalyze. It's funny that you ask if I have anxiety issues. I am actually taking medication for my anxiety problems right now. I find myself in a weird predicament because this girl was everything I could ever want. I dated lots of people, searching for someone like her. Then, after we had been together for about a year, I started to panic as we talked about our future together. It's like once I actually found what I wanted, I started running for the hills! Funny how that works. I've noticed in past relationships that I have a tendency to sabotage good things. I guess it is selfish and naive of me to say that I am the only one that can make her happy. Of course, that's not true. She did say that I made her feel like nobody ever has, which is why I made that statement earlier. I'm choosing to follow the "if it's meant to be, it will be" route for now. I want to give us both space so we can clear our heads. It's been no contact for about a week and a half now, which seems like forever! But I'm hanging in there. Thanks again guys!
Author Loveshax Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Hi Grace777, I definitely agree about lesbian relationships. Two women together means an extremely high level of emotions floating around, which can be good and bad. We did the back and forth thing for awhile, up until about last week when we decided NC is best for the time being. Our attempt to "remain friends" immediately after was extremely unrealistic in hindsight. The worst part of all of this is I truly do feel like I'm losing my best friend (sorry for the cliche). She was always there for me when I was having a bad day, and since we started NC I've had a string of bad days. And of course, SHE was the one I wanted to vent to about it! Anyway, sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. If it helps, a lot of the issues surrounding my breakup had to do with my own personal problems (not hers). I absolutely adore her, and there is nothing I would change about her. So don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes, the dumper has their own issues they need to work through before they can appreciate a good woman 2
Lee Lo Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Loveshax...Know what your doing and be confident in what you truely want to do before you make this decision. I was in the very same boat a few years ago. I was with a girl for 4 years and I truely loved her, but used every excuse I could to ruin my relationship. I proclaimed myself to be too selfish, too young to be so serious...too anything, as long as it justifed my wrong doings. Everytime i left shed chase me, until one day i broke her heart for the last time and she couldnt deal anymore. I moved out, she changed her number, and broke all lines of communication with me. Understandably that was her way of coping. That was 4 years ago...and to this day, i regret it with everything in me. No relationship ive had since even compares to what i had with her. I was so busy thinking the grass was greener on the other side that i didnt realize i had everything i wanted and needed in her. Ive tried emailing, calling... but shes really gone this time... I blew the best thing that ever happened to me for nothing. Appreciate her and give her your all. If you still want to leave after that maybe it wasnt meant. But PLEASE dont be like me and miss out on the love of your life for reasons that wont make sence to you years later when youre sitting alone wishing you had her back.
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