Hero'sRed Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Hello. My name is Red. That's not my real name, but it's what my boyfriend (Hero) calls me...thus, I am Hero'sRed. Haha. I am a college sophomore, Hero is as well, and he and I have been in an LDR for a year and a half now. We currently live approximately an hour and half away from one another. I know that's not terrible compared to some people who live oceans apart, but since we have to plan our visits to one another and seeing one another is highly inconvenient at times, I consider us an LDR. Hero and I knew each other in person before we began our LDR, and it has been really rough. We've definitely had our highs and lows, fighting over communication issues, and also enjoying each other's company after long periods of time away from one another. But right now we are currently hitting a pretty decent low point in our relationship, and I am terrified of losing my best friend and boyfriend of three years. I suppose I'll give some details of us and our "story" in the next paragraph, and get to our bigger issues that I would like advice on after that. If you want to skip our mini bio I'm about to give, that's okay. I just figured it helps to know as much of the story as you can, especially since I'm new. Hero and I met in my hometown (Seaport, for all intents and purposes) when I was 12 years old at the community Catholic church. We were preparing to make our Confirmation, and his family also decided to transfer him to the local public school (that I attended) as well so that they could move into Seaport to become more active members of the parish. The town of Seaport had approximately 2000 people in its population, and the local school (K-12) Hero and I attended had just over 300 kids in it. Our graduating class had 21 students in it, including us. When Hero came into my life in 7th grade, I had a big "crush" on him that lasted all through grade school and high school. We became the best of friends around my sophomore year of high school, and had always been fairly close before that. We really were perfectly suited for one another. I had never had a friend like Hero was for me. He was sweet, caring, intelligent, generous, handsome, and he had a really good heart. He was (and still is) one of those crazily selfless people that you really don't believe exist anymore until you meet them. Hero was also the only person I had ever really been able to have "real" conversations with...about life, religion, politics, personal philosophies and ideas and dreams. He finally asked me to go to the prom with him (as more than friends, haha) in our junior year, and we have been dating ever since. We really, truly were in love and had thought carefully about the future. We both wanted to go to college and find something we were passionate about to make a career out of, but we also knew that we really wanted to get married. I know that's a crazy notion nowadays, but we knew that we would be smart to wait and see if we still wanted to be married after we finished college. I already had an idea of what I was passionate about (theatre) and where I was going to school by the time we reached senior year in high school. Hero, not so much. He was extremely bright, and very good at math and science, and book smarts always came easy to him. But he really didn't know how he wanted to use them. It had been his dream as a little boy to be an astronaut, so he eventually decided on becoming an aerospace engineering major. He checked the school I had decided on to see if it had any engineering departments...and as fate would have it, my school did not. Hero found a school that was in-state (like mine) that he seemed to really like and that had the major he was looking for. The two schools were 100 miles apart. The idea of an LDR was extremely unattractive to the both of us, not because we were unwilling to work on out relationship, but because we knew the separation would be painful. We talked about it and considered it all throughout our senior year of high school, and eventually decided that we were worth it. We faced the idea of a LDR head on, with the end goal being, if we made it, to get married after we finished school. Hero and I both went in knowing it was a crazy undertaking for young lovers, but we knew we were more than just kids in love. We were a team, and we were each others' best friends. We also knew in our hearts that we would have to be honest with one another on everything, and since we decided to undertake this college-long LDR, we agreed that at any point if we lost interest in one another/weren't happy/didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, we would end it immediately and on good terms...it seemed like a foolproof plan and a great idea. Today, Hero and I are sophomores in college, as I mentioned, and are doing...okay. Some days are better than others. I'm extremely emotional and "artistic" (whatever that means, haha), and I tend to be sad more often about missing Hero and about only getting to see him every two weeks or so. Hero, on the other hand, is very logical and thinks about things like a robot: We love each other. We simply can't be together right now. He sees no point in being sad about it. Other people have it worse than we do. Etc, etc, etc. While I agree with him completely, it is hard for me not to get a little sad when my best friend is not there for a lot of life-changing things and memorable events. It also is hard for me to not get sad when he is always so optimistic about our "perfect" (BAH) relationship all the time. It is hilarious that I say this because I am the complete and utter definition of an optimist in every other aspect of life. (RA RA, FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, SMILE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, etc etc etc) In fact, Hero has been extremely depressed since we started school. Turns out, the basic classes for his engineering major are taught by extremely unhelpful, unkind professors at a school that basically caters to its freshmen students to reel them in and then throws them to the wolves as sophomores, juniors, and seniors. He has become very doubtful of himself, his abilities, and his choice in career. He is indecisive and stressed and overworked and confused and bitter much of the time...not at all the hopeful, happy, beautiful boy I knew in high school who told me not to be afraid, that "God never gives us anything more than we can handle". I'm not religious anymore, but Hero is, firmly so, and yet he hardly believes his own words. He keeps waiting for his miracle. I've suggested he see a counselor for several months now, and he has finally decided to start going (he begins this Thursday). He is not happy about it, however...he doesn't trust psychologists. I just hope he gets something out of it, because all of the typical things I've tried suggesting (switching schools, changing his major, quitting school and doing other work, talking to his advisor, talking to his friends, talking to older students in his department, "don't give up hope, Hero, this is a hard time for everyone our age", etc etc etc) just don't cut it anymore. He had a miniature breakdown today over a very poor exam grade today, and I tried to calmly comfort him in a text message, but he flatly told me that he wasn't interested in hearing it right now. I don't know what to do. I am very sad a lot of the time about Hero and I's relationship. I've told him this, and I've told him that him not communicating with me through text messages/emails/letters/anything really is not helping our relationship. He's improved slightly in communication, but he remains a very depressed young man who seems to believe our relationship is perfect and does not need to be worked on. "School is hard enough, Red, and when you get sad like this, it stresses me out." Yeah, me too, buddy. Hero never really shows much evidence of missing me. He says "I love you", and will talk to me at night for a little while, but he is so busy that he doesn't really seem to miss my company. He tells me that he does miss me when I ask him, but he gives very little evidence of it in the way he talks about me/his day. I cried for an hour and a half tonight because he and I have hardly spoken to one another in three days due to his busy schedule this semester, and because, dammit, I feel like we are slowly disappearing from each other's lives. We just can't be as we were, and I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Hero doesn't cry, and doesn't seem to understand my pain. I know that some of my friends are there for me (emotionally as well as physically) far more than he is. I feel like when we do see each other on the weekends, it is mostly a game of catchup. Hero is, unfortunately, not very good at being romantic from afar (which I know is not easy, but still, in the year and a half we've been apart, I've learned some small things...). Hero also is extremely apposed to sexual intercourse before marriage. I respect his decision to remain so strict in his morals, but since he had repressed his sexual desires for so long, I feel very unattractive and unwanted in a loving way when we are together (no, he's not gay...we've done other things, and he *quite* enjoys them...). We try to do romantic things when we're together, and we typically succeed, but again, it feels like catchup, or a dream... I feel like a young woman who is using her most "flirtatious" years in college being in a LDR with her best friend/used-to-be lover, who is really and truly stuck in the past and thinks that in 2-3 years we will come out of this relationship just the same as we were as high school seniors...and I know we won't. YET!!!! Despite my unhappiness, I COMPLETELY believe I will be even more unhappy if I tell Hero I want to break up. I swear, I know lots of really wonderful young men on my campus, and a few of my close guy friends are really attractive and really nice, decent men. But I have ZERO desire to get to know any of them better or date any of them. I'm unhappy, but I really do love Hero. He lights up my world (on his happier days, haha), and has made me a better woman in countless ways. I know I probably sound young and foolish, but I still truly want to be with him. I know for a fact that we will make it if I can just survive the pain and heartache and missing him in the middle. I know that we're still a good team, and we would be a great team if we could just be together...or, even better, work this out better. Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone please relate to anything I've said? I feel so alone, and I'm kinda tearing up as I finish this ridiculously long message. I just want someone to understand my pain, and to offer support and share stories. I feel really lost, because no one my age understands this...I had several girlfriends break off their relationships with their LDRs in our freshman year because they couldn't handle the distance...they don't understand my pain anymore. I don't want to break off my relationship with Hero...I still love him, and even though he sucks ass at showing it, the little ****, and even though he's a depressing pain in the ass at times, he makes up for it by being wonderful the other 75% of the time. I mean, people aren't perfect. People hit low spots in their lives. I want to be with him so much...but I can't cry by myself anymore because I feel alone and "single without the benefits", as I often joke to my friends and their boyfriends/girlfriends. Can I just have a virtual hug? Is that cool?
mavendark Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) *HUG* I'm sorry to hear this about your LDR. It's really tough and I've been through a couple of LDRs in the past couple of years and I can definitely relate to what you are going through. First of all, men are very logical in LDRs. Because they are not as "emotionally needy" as women, they basically think that as long as you wait for them, they can pretty much be in a LDR for a really long time, as long as they know that you guys will be together in a couple of years. However, what I've noticed is we get a little more emotional in these times. We miss the other person more and we need their comfort more. A lot of times what ends up happening is that we kind of imagine this distance in our minds when there isn't any emotional distance perceived by the men. I'm not saying that there is no emotional distance period, there is but it's mostly perceived by us women. So when he says to you that "when you get sad like this, it stresses me out" it's very very true. When you get sad, it will naturally stress him out. And men are natural problem solvers. They want to solve the problem right away. So when you get sad, they see that as a problem, and they want to solve it. But in your case or in the case of a LDR, Hero cannot solve the problem. So not only does it make him stressed out, it makes him feel helpless and less of a man. I am not saying to not be sad around him, but try really hard to not be sad ABOUT the distance around him. The distance is not something you can fix and he cannot solve that problem, so it's best to push it aside and focus on what you guys have together and be happy about it. It will make him feel more happy that you are happy. I would definitely advise you that you should do something about yourself to cheer yourself up. Don't let this burden fall onto Hero. As he said, he's already stressed out as it is. Plus, this emotional distance is 80% made up by yourself. You FEEL that he is not talking to you as much, and you FEEL less connected to him because he's not next to you. But that doesn't mean you're not. Don't let this be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you feel that there is an emotional distance, the more there will be an emotional distance. And once you get to that point where you feel almost "nothing" at all, you'll know that the relationship has ended. Don't let yourself get to that point. I can already see you kind of drifting toward that point. Another issue that came up in my relationship was that when I was away physically from the other person, all I could think about was his faults. So when I met new friends (guys) I would start eventually comparing how this guy treats me so much better than my bf. But it was because of the distance, I am not able to eat anything he cooks for me, or I am not able to see how he made the bed or helped me vaccuum or fixed my dresser for me. These little signs help us women feel happy because we know that the man is there to make us happy. When the distance is there, there's no more of these indicators to help women feel like they are still loved by the man they are in a LDR with, so what I would recommend you do is ask him instead to do something special for you at least once a week. This could be anything from sending you a card, to some flowers, or to write an email to you, take a goofy picture to send to you, etc. I would advise you to try to see him more than every other week if possible. I know how tough it might be for you guys, but it's really even more heartbreaking to break up with the person you truly love because of the distance. You will end up having lots of regrets if you break up with him (regret that you didn't work on this relationship harder, or regret that you wasted 2 years of your great college freedom on a relationship). I'm sorry that I cannot offer any better advice for you. LDR is a really tough thing to get through, I went through 2 LDRs (one is Northern California/Southern California during highschool to college, and the other is California/Chicago at the last year of college). Unfortunately they both ended horribly. Now, I'm in a great relationship with a man I'm planning to marry, and I am not going to leave his side, even if I get a great job offer at a Google-like company far away. Edited February 12, 2013 by mavendark
Author Hero'sRed Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 mavendark, this is going to be a short response, but please know you truly, truly helped me and comforted me a lot. Thank you so much for everything you said. I know that basically everything you said to be very true of me/my relationship with Hero. I've been trying for so long to forget about the distance and be happy with what we are/have, because it truly is great, especially when we're together. I've tried thinking less about Hero during my day and trying to focus on all the great stuff I have going on for me at school. I've just always had this fear that if I tried to think less about him and allow him to become a secondary figure in my life (still important, he just can't physically be there for me like my friends can to support me/help me/etc) that he and I will lose something we have... I don't honestly know. I liked your suggestion about the once a week special thing he could do, and I will suggest that. It's not a hard thing for anyone to do, and he and I have been trying to figure out something like that for a while. Anyway, I just really wanted to thank you. I didn't know if anyone would respond, especially since the post was so long (haha), but thank you so much for what you said. It makes me happy to hear that you are with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with now. Sending much love and thanks from me.
Recommended Posts