Drseussgrrl Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I'm posting here because I'm not really sure where else to post. My ex fiance and I had been together for four years. We were engaged to be married after three, and we broke up 3 months before our wedding. Long story short, his mother was always a big issue between us. She interfered a lot, would take things that weren't hers, was mentally ill, addicted to pain meds and lied a lot. My ex enabled her quite a bit, and was always pretty blind to her problems. Regardless, they were pretty close and he loved her dearly. We have been broken up for a year and a half - his decision. He's now engaged again and just had a baby. I just learned today that she died unexpectedly yesterday. For some reason this has really struck me. Maybe I have unresolved feelings toward her? I don't know. Mostly though, I am so sad for him. My heart breaks thinking of how devastated he must be (they found her unconscious at a relative's house - I don't know any other details). I had this overwhelming urge today to hug him and comfort him and in all honesty it's killing me not to be able to. I just hope he's ok. When we broke up, losing his family was almost as hard as losing him. I had spent four years of holidays, vacations, big life events, loss, celebrations, etc and then it was all gone. Anyway news of this has set me back I think and I'm not sure why. I was mostly over him, I thought. But now for some reason, after a year and a half I simply want to be there for him and I can't.
candie13 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Well, you can always write a nice card to him and his family. I am sure that would be much appreciated. If you have ended your relationship ok and are on speaking terms, you could send him a text (just make sure he gets the card first) Indeed, you cannot really call or invite yourself to the funeral... I am sorry for your loss, that is terrible. I've been for 7 years with my ex, and his family was (almost) the best thing that happened to me, during that time.
Frank13 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) I just learned today that she died unexpectedly yesterday. Mostly though, I am so sad for him. My heart breaks thinking of how devastated he must be . I had this overwhelming urge today to hug him and comfort him and in all honesty it's killing me not to be able to. I just hope he's ok. Anyway news of this has set me back I think and I'm not sure why. I was mostly over him, I thought. But now for some reason, after a year and a half I simply want to be there for him and I can't. Let me tell you what happened in my situation. I broke up because she lost feelings. It didn't end well. NC for 11 months and I missed her terribly. After 11 months I found out one of her siblings just died. Same as you my heart broke for her. I broke NC to be there for her. I called but got voicemail. I offered my time and money to help and support her in anyway I could. She didn't call me back but instead thanked me in an email. I met up with her a couple days later to give her a sympathy card with some money. She didn't even hug me and we talked only about 5 minutes. She said she would call, text, or email me later that day. I didn't hear from her for a month. Then she sent an email thanking me. I replied normally and tried to be there to support her and even opened the door for a friendship by telling her that if she ever wanted to meet up to talk, I would be there for her. I never heard from her again. The point of my story is that they don't see things the way we do. My ex didn't need me to be there for her. She didn't need help practically, and she sure didn't need me to be there for her emotionally. When you are hurting and need comfort, it only means something when coming from someone you care about. She doesn't care about me so it meant nothing to her. Holding or hugging her would have done absolutely nothing for her. When I heard about the death, I had to break NC to be there for her. I couldn't just stay NC. Everything between us was petty compared to her losing a sibling. However, in the end, I realized it meant absolutely nothing to her and we are back to NC. If I should hear of something similar happening to her in the future, I will do nothing and remain NC. Not because I don't care about her. Not because I am spiteful. Simply because it doesn't mean anything to her. So don't worry about not being there for him. He doesn't care. One thing I have learned in life is this - If you love someone and they don't love you back, your love for them means absolutely nothing to them. Edited February 14, 2013 by Frank13 1
PennGuy Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I agree with Frank. One of my ex's relatives recently passed and I sent her my condolences. I got a "thanks" in return. I sent the text with no other intentions besides doing the right thing, because I would like her to do it for me if the tables were turned. Just like Frank's ex, she lost feelings, but she's the one who left. Even though my intentions were just rising above the break-up and being genuine, it just proved to me that she is totally done with me. She didn't try to strike up any conversation, didn't ask how I have been, nothing. It doesn't mean anything to them, because they don't care about you in that way anymore. They no longer need you for emotional support, because if they did, you would still be together. It's a sh*tty thing to digest knowing that you are now nothing but days gone by to them, but it's just how most break-ups work. One person is glad to be free and the other one is left to pick up the pieces.
Sugarkane Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 No offense but why? My dog died quite some time ago. I never had one ex contact me about it.
Sugarkane Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Are you serious? I am a vet and I love animals.. but how can you compare the dead of your dog with the dead of someones mother? The way it happened it was fast and painful. My dog got very sick quick. And we had him a long time. Where was my condolences? It wasnt less painful because he wasnt human. I'm just saying if you contact you would be lucky to get a reply. Because they just don't care, only about themselves. Edited February 23, 2013 by Sugarkane
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