Is this a bad place to be stuck?

[McDonald]

So today I'm feeling pretty depressed. Not as much as usual, but more then recently.

I feel like I'm getting angry at myself for missing her. She hurt me, yet I sill miss her. Is this bad? I know I have to move on and I am moving on, but is it Na too miss her because I'm beating myself up over it. I keep telling myself to stop thinking about her when a thought pops up. Then I say things like what's wrong with me etc.

 

Idk if I am making it worse or not

[Zammo25]

So today I'm feeling pretty depressed. Not as much as usual, but more then recently.

I feel like I'm getting angry at myself for missing her. She hurt me, yet I sill miss her. Is this bad? I know I have to move on and I am moving on, but is it Na too miss her because I'm beating myself up over it. I keep telling myself to stop thinking about her when a thought pops up. Then I say things like what's wrong with me etc.

 

Idk if I am making it worse or not

 

She does not care anymore. You are meaningless to her. So do we destroy ourselves over it ? Well for me, maybe but you be stronger.

[McDonald]

I know. She left me for someone else. She already is dating him and we only separate for a month. It does hurt how someone who told you they loved you , wanted to be with you forever, said they wouldnt know what to do if you left them.... Leaves you in the end.

 

I think I'm just more afraid of being alone, maybe missing what she stood for, not necessarily her and I feel like she's the only one who would give that back. However, there are a lot of fish in the sea I guess

[Fallen Petals]

It's part of the grieving process. Just put accept it for what it is - it's dealing with YOUR emotions over what happened. Take HER out of the equation...This is your pain, your time to heal, your time to grow, etc etc etc. Once you hit the anger phase then that helps...but the best phase truly is the one where you become indifferent and just don't care anymore. I am hoping that happens sooner rather than later...but, like you, it's the lonely factor.

 

Did you know that we process loneliness in the same place in our brains that we process pain?? No wonder it hurts.

[Zammo25]

We are ALL losers. You are. I am. All of us. Quite pathetic really.

[McDonald]

It's part of the grieving process. Just put accept it for what it is - it's dealing with YOUR emotions over what happened. Take HER out of the equation...This is your pain, your time to heal, your time to grow, etc etc etc. Once you hit the anger phase then that helps...but the best phase truly is the one where you become indifferent and just don't care anymore. I am hoping that happens sooner rather than later...but, like you, it's the lonely factor.

 

Did you know that we process loneliness in the same place in our brains that we process pain?? No wonder it hurts.

 

These are some great words.

Last week I hit the anger phase. I was angry at how she went about all this and led me on at the end.. How she said we could never talk again. So I accepted that.. Then three weeks later of NC after running into her and her boufriend on a weekend night she messages me with the most random message of her saying that she just saw my friend.... I didnt respond. I didnt know what to say... After telling me we can't talk then she messages me like it was nothing, like we were still close friends. However, that made the anger go away and made feelings come back :/. Since then, I haven't been able to push them away. I guess I have to remeber why I was angry in the first place.

 

Maybe I'm sad that I'm also beginning to let go?

[Fallen Petals]

These are some great words.

Last week I hit the anger phase. I was angry at how she went about all this and led me on at the end.. How she said we could never talk again. So I accepted that.. Then three weeks later of NC after running into her and her boufriend on a weekend night she messages me with the most random message of her saying that she just saw my friend.... I didnt respond. I didnt know what to say... After telling me we can't talk then she messages me like it was nothing, like we were still close friends. However, that made the anger go away and made feelings come back :/. Since then, I haven't been able to push them away. I guess I have to remeber why I was angry in the first place.

 

Maybe I'm sad that I'm also beginning to let go?

 

You should be angry that she would message you like there was nothing wrong. Be angry that she would not respect your feelings enough to consider them. Trust me, the anger phase is a must. I am trying SO Hard to get there myself.

 

But yes, first your mourn the loss of the person, then the loss of the relationship in general...there are a few different things that have to happen in this situation to make you whole again...but more than anything we have to reach a place in ourselves where we don't need them anymore. Why do we give our power of happiness away like that so easily in the first damned place?

[McDonald]

You should be angry that she would message you like there was nothing wrong. Be angry that she would not respect your feelings enough to consider them. Trust me, the anger phase is a must. I am trying SO Hard to get there myself.

 

But yes, first your mourn the loss of the person, then the loss of the relationship in general...there are a few different things that have to happen in this situation to make you whole again...but more than anything we have to reach a place in ourselves where we don't need them anymore. Why do we give our power of happiness away like that so easily in the first damned place?

 

The problem I am having is staying angry. Maybe because I just haven't fully moved on yet. It's hard especially her being the first person I met in college last year. It's much better now though, I'm not so much dependent on her and its really no longer that I need her, it's more of a WANT. However, I know that is not happening. I just wish I would stop wanting her. You think it would be easy after eveything that has happened...

 

I don't understand either how we could let one person ruin happiness. I remeber when I was dating her, I would get upset that I couldn't dance with other girls at parties etc because she would get scare that I may cheat on her. Now... Here is the opportunity, but a good amount of self confidence went away from the BU.

what also makes me upse is how she tricked me or better yet, how I let her. She would say things like I don't know what I would do if you broke up with me.... But then she does it to me!!!! Life just really isn't fair

[Fallen Petals]

The problem I am having is staying angry. Maybe because I just haven't fully moved on yet. It's hard especially her being the first person I met in college last year. It's much better now though, I'm not so much dependent on her and its really no longer that I need her, it's more of a WANT. However, I know that is not happening. I just wish I would stop wanting her. You think it would be easy after eveything that has happened...

 

I don't understand either how we could let one person ruin happiness. I remeber when I was dating her, I would get upset that I couldn't dance with other girls at parties etc because she would get scare that I may cheat on her. Now... Here is the opportunity, but a good amount of self confidence went away from the BU.

what also makes me upse is how she tricked me or better yet, how I let her. She would say things like I don't know what I would do if you broke up with me.... But then she does it to me!!!! Life just really isn't fair

 

Isn't that the thing of it?? We give them everything they ask for freely to prove our love and then they just turn on it and walk away. Amazing.

 

Yes, the staying angry part can be tough...you don't need to stay angry all the time, it's good to remember good things, but you may not be in a place for that yet. And seeing her is going to set you back...

 

But as for your self confidence, work on that for now. You got yourself a girl, she may not have been the right one, but you fell for her, you loved her, you were successful on YOUR end...so guess what, you can totally do it again. When you're ready.

[McDonald]

Right now remembering the good things set me back. Running into her sets me back. There is a lot that sets me back really.

It's just hard thinkin about his I can replace what was once there. That's why letting go is hard and makes me feel alone. I made myself change for her which was my fault.. But now it's really acrewed me as I lost many friends both men and women... Mostly women. I don't have that crutch to lean on like she has with this new guy. It's like she completely skipped the copeing process. It all just seems so wrong. To think that 4 weeks ago I felt in top of the world. She bought plane tickets to visit me during winter break... Then breaks up ugh me 3 days after getting the tickets. Idk why she got them in the first place then lol.

Crazy and yet, I can't let go? It's the friendship I'm really afraid of losing. No, it's more of the feeling of being 100% rejected.

[Fallen Petals]

Right now remembering the good things set me back. Running into her sets me back. There is a lot that sets me back really.

It's just hard thinkin about his I can replace what was once there. That's why letting go is hard and makes me feel alone. I made myself change for her which was my fault.. But now it's really acrewed me as I lost many friends both men and women... Mostly women. I don't have that crutch to lean on like she has with this new guy. It's like she completely skipped the copeing process. It all just seems so wrong. To think that 4 weeks ago I felt in top of the world. She bought plane tickets to visit me during winter break... Then breaks up ugh me 3 days after getting the tickets. Idk why she got them in the first place then lol.

Crazy and yet, I can't let go? It's the friendship I'm really afraid of losing. No, it's more of the feeling of being 100% rejected.

 

Well you're doing one of the best things you can on here and that's venting about it, talking about it, getting it out. Now you should be trying to make new friends. And trust me, as I type it, I know how hard that is. We moved to an entirely new state - I have no friends here yet. I have a couple of family members and my kids and that's it. My H moved back to our hometown, he's reconnecting left and right...but me? Yeah...can you spell alone with a capital A?? I wound up trying to lessen the coping phase and landed myself a boyfriend pretty quickly, but in under two months that blew up - so now I have a pleasant double whammy effect. Trust me when I say that her skipping the coping phase?? Not doing herself any favors.

 

But hey - if you need friends to fill the void until you find some in person there's always the community here right?? LOL

[stevie_23]

Never worry about how you SHOULD or should NOT feel. Just let the feelings come, observe them and then try to let them go. Always try to have patience and understanding with yourself as well. You cannot help how you feel. All you can do is try to get through this hard time (which you’re doing well at) and try to be as happy as you can be.

 

And who said we’re all losers? Lol. NOBODY here is a loser. We simply have had a relationship end, either with no choice or control by us, or by our own choice. It’s no one’s fault. It just IS. No losers here.

[Coping Vortex]

Nothing you can do. Trust me I have tried everything to get my ex back. Seemed like I was close to making some headway several times but in the end you can't get them away from the new fling. We are the old they are the new. They don't want to turn back. No matter how good it was the newness always wins out in the end. When that relationship gets old they will be in our shoes. They cycle will repeat. Until someone pulls out the marriage card.

 

Once the relationship skips off the atmosphere its gone to outer space. No way to get it back. Doesn't matter what the reason sometimes bad timing like in my situation. Even though we were very much in love our timing just misfired in the span of a few weeks and a series of small things happend and here I sit still devastated. Her, happy as can be.

 

Sucks dude. It just plain sucks.

[hopefullove]

Hi

My ex switched off too. The funny thing is u said right after yours bought plane tix... Well mine did after buying 700 tix to meet my parents, then soon after turned into a monster and ran off on me. Oh he tried looking for anything after me. He is commitment phobic. The signs are rushing into a relationship really fast and basically selling you on them that you mean everything to them, then when things move too fast or too well, they bolt. Mine moved in with me after 2 months, I was everything to him... Well his ex fiancé was everything to him too and so forth.... That's prob why she can move on so quickly. If nothing truly happened for her to leave u like that, I would say commitment phobe. It took me months to realize but not after the damage was done to my self esteem,

[McDonald]

Thanks everyone for the responces. It does really help talking to people about all this.

 

I think your onto something with the commitment phone.. Except for her it was the opposite. We are only 2 years into college and she started asking me questions like "what if I got into a med school across the country... What would we do... Could you do long distance?" this is because she knew I want to go to grad school back home.

 

I didn't now what to say. It was all too soon for me; but I was always so committed to her. So idk what her problem is. At least I know that it wasn't me but her. That she didn't leave me because for me, but fr her own reasons.

 

I wish she didnt lead me on after the breakup... But what can you do? Her being my first love I was easily strung along. At least I know for next time.

 

Two days ago I broke NC. she did earlier that week, but it as her birthday and I decided to send her a happy birthday. Let me explan why though:

 

During the early parts of the breakup we would still text. However it was really on her terms and I would almost go completely insane waiting for a reply. So I decided that we shouldn't text. I told her that and she said "no I still want to talk to you!". So the weak me decided well okay. Then three days later she said she couldn't take it any more and that I had to stop........

 

So I have been on NC since then and even after she messaged me about seeing my friend.

 

I decided to text her happy birthday though because I realized that if I a send this message and not freak out if there is no responce, then I have made an improvement, which I did! No responce for a full day but never freaked out! I think because before I was still trying to hold onto the relationship but now i know it's over.

So I did break NC, but it showed that I have Made an improvement. She did respond thanks a full day later, but it doesn't even matter.

 

However...., I did run into her today. She completely saw me and just kept walking. Totally ignoring my presence. I don't know why this hurts more than everything else. Even the break up. Has anyone else felt this before? I feel like it wuld be so much easier for me to move if I could say hi, she could say hi, and we could just keep walking. Or maybe it's better tht nothing is ever said? I'd jut hard to comprehend how after a strong relationship two people can act like that too eachother. It really sucks. Who does she think she is!!!! Telling me we can be friends then ignoring me! She completely used my emotions... Or more like, I let her. #rant

[McDonald]

So now I'm angry again I guess.

[McDonald]

Thanks everyone for the responces. It does really help talking to people about all this.

 

I think your onto something with the commitment phone.. Except for her it was the opposite. We are only 2 years into college and she started asking me questions like "what if I got into a med school across the country... What would we do... Could you do long distance?" this is because she knew I want to go to grad school back home.

 

I didn't now what to say. It was all too soon for me; but I was always so committed to her. So idk what her problem is. At least I know that it wasn't me but her. That she didn't leave me because for me, but fr her own reasons.

 

I wish she didnt lead me on after the breakup... But what can you do? Her being my first love I was easily strung along. At least I know for next time.

 

Two days ago I broke NC. she did earlier that week, but it as her birthday and I decided to send her a happy birthday. Let me explan why though:

 

During the early parts of the breakup we would still text. However it was really on her terms and I would almost go completely insane waiting for a reply. So I decided that we shouldn't text. I told her that and she said "no I still want to talk to you!". So the weak me decided well okay. Then three days later she said she couldn't take it any more and that I had to stop........

 

So I have been on NC since then and even after she messaged me about seeing my friend.

 

I decided to text her happy birthday though because I realized that if I a send this message and not freak out if there is no responce, then I have made an improvement, which I did! No responce for a full day but never freaked out! I think because before I was still trying to hold onto the relationship but now i know it's over.

So I did break NC, but it showed that I have Made an improvement. She did respond thanks a full day later, but it doesn't even matter.

 

However...., I did run into her today. She completely saw me and just kept walking. Totally ignoring my presence. I don't know why this hurts more than everything else. Even the break up. Has anyone else felt this before? I feel like it wuld be so much easier for me to move if I could say hi, she could say hi, and we could just keep walking. Or maybe it's better tht nothing is ever said? I'd jut hard to comprehend how after a strong relationship two people can act like that too eachother. It really sucks. Who does she think she is!!!! Telling me we can be friends then ignoring me! She completely used my emotions... Or more like, I let her. #rant

 

I guess this means I'm angry again

 

Sorry for the random double post

[Fallen Petals]

Ouch...yeah her acting like she doesn't know you does suck. However, if I was walking down the street today and saw the guy who put my heart through a meat grinder last week...I can't promise I'd say anything to him...I might not be able to...I might have to duck my head and walk on by...

 

Having said that - don't worry about why she did it or any of that - embrace the anger and move to the next phase in this painful process, with all of us rooting you on!!

[McDonald]

Ouch...yeah her acting like she doesn't know you does suck. However, if I was walking down the street today and saw the guy who put my heart through a meat grinder last week...I can't promise I'd say anything to him...I might not be able to...I might have to duck my head and walk on by...

 

Having said that - don't worry about why she did it or any of that - embrace the anger and move to the next phase in this painful process, with all of us rooting you on!!

 

 

okay see there is my problem

 

I am in NC but there is so much that I want to say!!!!! SO much. I feel like shes getting away with murder... like she believes doing this to me was "okay". So when I do see her there is a part of me that does not want to say anything, then there is another part that wants to say "hey!" Then there is a part that wants to just yell Why are you ignoring me!

 

See, this is all making me feel like I did something wrong here. Her ignoring m,e is giving me this pain that I shouldnt even have!!!!

 

And IDK why I want to be friends with her still... I am CRAZY I guess ... maybe its me not letting go fully? I just dont understand how you can eliminate someone from your life. This is my first break up... so Im not sure how it was supposed to work... but it doesnt seem like she did it the right way... or is the dumpee always strung along.... UGH it just really sucks.

[Fallen Petals]

okay see there is my problem

 

I am in NC but there is so much that I want to say!!!!! SO much. I feel like shes getting away with murder... like she believes doing this to me was "okay". So when I do see her there is a part of me that does not want to say anything, then there is another part that wants to say "hey!" Then there is a part that wants to just yell Why are you ignoring me!

 

See, this is all making me feel like I did something wrong here. Her ignoring m,e is giving me this pain that I shouldnt even have!!!!

 

And IDK why I want to be friends with her still... I am CRAZY I guess ... maybe its me not letting go fully? I just dont understand how you can eliminate someone from your life. This is my first break up... so Im not sure how it was supposed to work... but it doesnt seem like she did it the right way... or is the dumpee always strung along.... UGH it just really sucks.

 

It's pretty easy to identify, actually, no one wants to be the one pushed out, rejected...You wouldn't have treated her this way so you are appalled that she's treating you this way - and understandably so.

 

So I guess the age old "write a letter" thing applies, then don't send it of course. You need to keep up the NC because, believe me, stopping that just sets you back a step or three and she doesn't deserve any more of your time than you have to for your own healthy recovery. Or...tell us. Here. Now. Write her letter and let us read it and give insight? If you start a new post put a link to it here though so we can find it.

[McDonald]

I have been writing in a little journal from time to time. It does help; it allows me to say what i want to say. It also helps me see that I AM making an improvement.. even though it doesnt feel like it.

 

However, I like the letter idea.- seems like a good way to get my thoughts together.

 

Im just beginning to get upset at the whole thing. How she went about doing it... It sucked. She couldnt tell me that she was leaving me for someone else... so she had to string me along...

 

That is what kinda hurts the most still. The breakup itself not so much. My heart doesnt feel as broken, and I am reconnecting with more friends. So the void is slowly closing... but is still completely there.

 

Im just upset with her ignoring me. I just will never understand. I want to ask her why?--- but I cant break NC.

[Fallen Petals]

The journal is a great idea...but I still love the letter idea too. I understand that being ignored makes that void worse...I am glad you are reconnecting with friends, hopefully making new ones, and taking the time to heal.

[McDonald]

Trying to heal. Idk. I'm just sad that I'm actually starting to move on kinda. Her being my first girlfriend, I feel like she's the only one who could make me happy again. I kow that's not true, but that's what it seems like beacuse all my memories are with her.

I'm angry at what she has done, but there's something making me hold on

[Fallen Petals]

Sounds like you're beginning to progress though. You're holding onto the idea, not to her. You're becoming angry with her for the idea of what you've lost, but when you think logically about her you realize (I hope) you can and will find someone better for you...

 

Unfortunately break up and heartache are all part of finding someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and I wonder if it's experiencing that pain that makes us appreciate them even more when we find them...

[McDonald]

Sounds like you're beginning to progress though. You're holding onto the idea, not to her. You're becoming angry with her for the idea of what you've lost, but when you think logically about her you realize (I hope) you can and will find someone better for you...

 

Unfortunately break up and heartache are all part of finding someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and I wonder if it's experiencing that pain that makes us appreciate them even more when we find them...

 

I do feel like I can find Someone better for me. I change myself durin the relationship because I felt like she was makin me change. I know that isn't supposed to happen. I know the relationship could have seen unhealthily. It's just hard to weigh that more than the good times. The fun I had being with her. Because she is my first true love, my first girlfriend, there's no one else I have memories like this with. Therefore, I believe that's why it's hard for me to move on. To see that there are others who can make me happy. That's why I'm still chasing her kinda, or at least can't fully let go.

And that's what is making me go crazy. That I KNOW she hurt me, that she left me for someone else... She is making it easy for me to be pissed at her, so I should be able to move on right?

Wrong and I can't figure out why that is. I don't want to run into her, but there's a par of me that does. I don't want to speak to her, but there's apart of me that does. Why am I trying to save a friendship? why am i trying to chase something that doesnt want me at all. Its such a waist of energy and i can see that. Talk about confusing lol.

Edited February 13, 2013 by McDonald