should i stop revenge affair

[SoleMate]

Fact is I was out with naked girls giving me body slide massage....It was non-sexual

 

"Body slide massage" is ALL about sex and the purpose is sexual gratification. So stop saying your activities overseas were not sexual. Maybe you're trying to say you did not have intercourse? Actually, I have no idea what you're trying to say since your key claim (of "non-sexual" "body slide massage" with 8 Asian hookers and associated nude embrace photos) makes no sense. To be able to be honest with a partner, first you have to be honest with yourself.

 

Once you accept that you are the wayward spouse, next move on to understanding and owning your role in the 4 years of marital dysfunction that led up to it. (Wondering....did you start "body sliding" approximately 4 years ago?)

 

With respect to details like whether to respond to her texts, I consider that a detail relative to the essential work of owning your issues and fixing them. You have to repair the dry rot before you start choosing carpet. Good luck!

[lonelyinnj]

Yes a body slide massage is sexual - not 4 years, less than a year. about 1 year after she wouldn't go to marriage councelor when i finally conceded to go (april 2011) when I wouldn't go in January 2011. I did not say it wasn't sexual just I chose not to have oral or intercourse. It wasn't about ejaculation for me (i did that by solo..) It was a boundary I drew which really didn't seem to matter in the end anyway. But I know what I did. That and having friends that were girls , going to bars to drink - i wasn't happy craved socialization, that she didn't know about.. as you call it flirting.. and I guess call that EAs.

 

Lack of intimacy and affection for years, I craved being that 'close' to someone, and someone to talk to. I handled our decaying marriage by running away instead of communicating. I know this now.

 

I just don't know how to handle texts... yesterday she had kids I chose to go with my friend to a beer fest. I did not text her at all no calls. About 2 hours after arriving she text me how is event? I don't understand why... why ask me at all, it had just started... and I unfortunately replied with photo of my friends booth (he has brewery). Then there was a bit of conversation too (bad 180 hit me now)... told me she is going to fitness class starting next week on M/T which means one of her 'date' days she is occupying herself with a commitment with a girlfriend.

 

I think I should have just ignored it...?

 

I know that is the 180 way, but on the other hand replying makes me feel like she knows I am doing other stuff and having fun which I was. Alot of fun.

 

I think Maybe that will make her jealous?

Or Maybe that is exactly what she wants...

 

She even offered to come pick me up after event - i chose instead to get a ride from my friend. Then she got home and texted me again ..... ugh i replied... blah blah in car girls asleep, telling me she is buying groceries (since i told her not to use mine, then said go ahead whatever.)

 

180: The problem I STILL have with this is that I was so absent before making myself absent isn't a 180 - it is more like the way it was. Perhaps I was there enough to have some impact? so no communication takes a 90 to a 180? This is why I have so much trouble with it.

 

I travelled 2 weeks out of 2 months, and when home was aloof, distant and non-participatory. Kids got used to me traveling alot, and used to single parenting. The whole separation schedule is just more of that - and not attending to her texts is exactly what I was doing in China (we didn't even really talk on phone, because she was happy that angry me wasn't around)

 

Now that I am controlled ADD, I am attentive, involved, and ready for the world...

 

But I do seem to be providing some comfort to her (someone said that) or support in some way, that the OM doesn't or might not want to (or might). But he isn't available day and night, where as I am.

 

I just don't know what to do. I hear non contact is hard and I see not to return any texts or 50-60% of them or ??? I want to do that knowing it is the right thing instead of making things worse....

 

Today I am taking the kids to my sisters to play and overnight. Going to have fun and inevitably she is going to text me about what we are doing.. blah blah. If I reply then she will likely feel more left out...? or simply don't reply.??? I really want not to reply... someone who was BS can you tell me what she is thinking?

 

The alternative is that I do stuff and put it on facebook, then she will inevitably see it without me directly telling her.

 

I suspect but don't know she is going out tonite. I'm not asking.

[lonelyinnj]

"Body slide massage" is ALL about sex and the purpose is sexual gratification. So stop saying your activities overseas were not sexual. Maybe you're trying to say you did not have intercourse? Actually, I have no idea what you're trying to say since your key claim (of "non-sexual" "body slide massage" with 8 Asian hookers and associated nude embrace photos) makes no sense. To be able to be honest with a partner, first you have to be honest with yourself.

 

Once you accept that you are the wayward spouse, next move on to understanding and owning your role in the 4 years of marital dysfunction that led up to it. (Wondering....did you start "body sliding" approximately 4 years ago?)

 

With respect to details like whether to respond to her texts, I consider that a detail relative to the essential work of owning your issues and fixing them. You have to repair the dry rot before you start choosing carpet. Good luck!

 

I am honest with myself, regardless of the actual sexual interaction it was sexual. Additionally it is apparent I had EA with other people, as the line of flirting from everyone elses point was crossed. I do not believe in any sense that what I did was right, healthy or good for a marriage. I made those choices based on a bad marriage, but they were choices I made. No one forced me to do that.

 

The massages started after I think she gave up (porn was becoming boring) and wouldn't even go to the marriage councelor - i only went once. I should have kept going alone until she came in but the councelor insisted that me going alone wasn't going to solve the problem so why bother (that is at least what I 'heard' from her).

 

I have owned and fixed my own issues. She has told me that I know her and this is something she cannot forgive, yet she keeps giving subtle signs that I also know that she is not dead set on it. For example, when we talked I said if we are going to full separation we might as well sign the divorce papers then. She backed off and said separation is better, that other 'divorced' people always say to her that they wish they had separated first - but she justified it because it helps with logistics.

 

I am well aware that I was quite and ******* and difficult to deal with for many years, and it was a vicious cycle. I would be distant, mean, etc because she showed little affection, then she would show less, I would get worse, she would get worse... right down the black hole to the end.

 

I am not trying to fix a broken marriage but start a new relationship with her based on many changes I have made in my life and as a person. I now know that I have trouble communicating and therefore make an effort to do so. I know that I was 'out of control' and now am very at peace and make an extra effort to be nice at all times in all situations. (e.g. last night my friend had trouble getting into the event because his name wasn't on the list, the woman running the event was angry, mean, berating... I kept patience and killed her with kindness literally, just was nice to her saying how hard this must be to run it, please, thank you... disarmed her.. and we got in 5 minutes later.) It works, usually I would have gone ballistic but now I see a better way, a nicer way and one that doesn't leave wreckage.

[lonelyinnj]

Hey man,

She is opening up to you. Granted even if it is bull crap, you don't have to believe it. In fact, don't.

 

The more she spews, and the more you stay out of the way of it, the quicker she'll go "oh hey, this isn't REALLY giving me what I need. I'm just empty, and this is just a distraction from dealing with ANYTHING that's actually bothering me." OM is a symptom of that inner turbulence.

 

The more you attack him, or try to reason with her about him it'll just turn into a "you're trying to wreck my fun/control my life." (I am not saying that you are doing any of this.

 

She WILL test you, over and over. Stay true to yourself. Don't take the bait, don't play the game. Stand centered in who you are.

 

And again. It's your marriage, you can check out of it when YOU want and not one moment before because others (including your wife) ate giving you heat about it.

 

Haha... you are so on target. I do see her opening up (she talked for over an hour about the situation while i listened) and texts like "I'm having a bad day" are clearly a test - what I don't know is that she says she's having a bad day to I empathasize or ignore it. (I ignored it before.. too busy.. or didn't ask why.)

 

She actually said exactly that "you are trying to control my life" you don't want me to go on with my life about 3 weeks back but not since. Because I haven't been bothering trying to sway her.

 

You are right it is my marriage to and I can check out of it when I want. Right now I want to try to rebuild because I do care about her, and my family. I am putting everyone else before me.

 

She will test me over and over again - don't take the bait. What do you mean stand true to who I am? I don't know whether she is checking to see if Plan B is still in play, or whether she is checking to see if I am really as changed as I appear to be. That is why answering texts is so problematic -

 

I am changed, I am concerned and am caring. I want to be there. If I don't respond I lose that 'facet' of the 180 for one of apathy. the only unless, is that if she knows i have changed and stopped responding, then Plan B is off the table. might cause a panic.

[lonelyinnj]

In your case, where you've got some waywardness of your own 2 make amends for, well, you're going 2 have 2 come up with a plan of your own that works for you, preferably with the help of a pro-marriage IC.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Alas it is good to write it out and see what others think. I can't see the forest for the trees. I am not worried for myself should we divorce, I am sure I'll be fine, I do enjoy finding new things to do and some of the space. I'm sure i'll go through all the normal things (suppose I don't have to worry about the first date of the ex)... but I do know children are impacted. and will be. I do still love my BW. Our old marriage was not going to be healthy for anyone... the blessing of this mess is that I know I have ADD and have dealt with it very well. Sucks that it cost me my marriage though.

 

Yes only I know her very well, and feel vibes (incidentally I gave her a ring inscribed with truth inside for vday before work telling her she could ask me anything at anytime regardless of our future). she was wearing it on her wedding finger during our talk. little things like that speak larger than any words. I did thank her for wearing the ring the next day when we exchanged kids, because before she said on DDAY i didn't even notice she wasnt wearing her wedding rings.

 

I think I will either ignore texts or reply with short answers. yes no ok. for the next 2 days.

[dreamingoftigers]

I must be brief...

 

But my general rule of thumb was that I would randomly answer 67%-75% of the time. If I answered the last two and they weren't kid-involved, I would weigh out whether I wanted to or not (See: mad at my dog test. LOL)

 

If he wasn't being a prick. I would respond. If he was being a prick, I shut it down pronto, but in a nice way. "Okay, clearly this isn't a good time, we can talk about it some other time." Done.

 

When she is doing the "bad day run" it was recommended to me to be empathetic. Simply, "or that's not good" or "sounds rough" "sounds frustrating."

 

And let her blah blah blah about broke a nail, cap off of toothpaste, bad songs on the radio.

 

Than you go, "Oh so you broke your nail, cap was off the toothpaste AND there were bad songs on the radio, that right? Wow, that's irritating."

(And no you don't need to sound like an infomercial.)

 

Plus, spouses tend to get in a competition of "well you f-ed up here" "well YOU f-ed up there." It's a real BS game and shuts any progress down fast. Personally, I take my lumps and than if there is something bugging the crap out of me, I bring it up later or at a different time.

 

Gottman's Relationship Cure, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, and When Mars and Venus Collide (although in general I find John Gray rather simplistic, bordering on useless) are all pretty good resources.

 

I called my relating books my "arsenal."

 

When my husband got pissy finding my stash of relationship books shortly before we separated, I 180ed and gave them to him saying that the relationship was in his hands so "whatever." LOL, I kept Divorce Remedy in my car to stay focused.

 

We have now started reading books out of the "Arsenal Box" together. He finds the Gottman rather good.

 

There comes a point where we have to objectively look at yes, the adultery may or may not be forgiveable. Yours is actually pretty damning. But the 180 won't make things any worse for sure.

 

I didn't think I would ever be able to forgive infidelity EVER. but here I am, married to someone who actually needed treatment for sexual addiction. jeez. Life and experience sometime take us to weird places. Clearly she is emotionally conflicted (but not budging at this point about her declared decision) about the whole thing and isn't in any kind of headspace for a solid, healthy decision.

 

Time and patience give you a solid advantage. I do recommend asking some of the nagging questions to DB if you can afford it. Sometimes under duress we forget some of the advice and the context of it.

 

No, LOL, I don't work for them promoting them or anything.

 

 

 

Haha... you are so on target. I do see her opening up (she talked for over an hour about the situation while i listened) and texts like "I'm having a bad day" are clearly a test - what I don't know is that she says she's having a bad day to I empathasize or ignore it. (I ignored it before.. too busy.. or didn't ask why.)

 

She actually said exactly that "you are trying to control my life" you don't want me to go on with my life about 3 weeks back but not since. Because I haven't been bothering trying to sway her.

 

You are right it is my marriage to and I can check out of it when I want. Right now I want to try to rebuild because I do care about her, and my family. I am putting everyone else before me.

 

She will test me over and over again - don't take the bait. What do you mean stand true to who I am? I don't know whether she is checking to see if Plan B is still in play, or whether she is checking to see if I am really as changed as I appear to be. That is why answering texts is so problematic -

 

I am changed, I am concerned and am caring. I want to be there. If I don't respond I lose that 'facet' of the 180 for one of apathy. the only unless, is that if she knows i have changed and stopped responding, then Plan B is off the table. might cause a panic.

[lonelyinnj]

I did respond about something financial earlier and she was being snappy so I'm done for 24 hrs

[lonelyinnj]

Ugh.. I have gone only 9 hours without any contact and so angry so frustrated

 

I am wondering should I ask her to move out? My kids don't need this lying two faced person. Sure happy in front if them and running off the second I have the kids.

 

Those of you that do complete non contact how can you stand this? Doesn't it tear at your soul that you are powerless?

 

She has stated that she is going to continue affair or whatever you call it

I am going to ask for lawyers on Tuesday for meeting to discuss. Her lawyer seemed to advise her that relationships after paperwork files are ok

 

I am going to bring in my lawyer that I hope can counteract that

 

I am in agony tonite thinking that going to family house and not being home

While she is out would help just more if the same cant sleep eat dying....

Maybe I'm not strong enough for this I am quickly losing hope

 

I want to briefly tell her I was willing to help her heal and give that any amount if time but I cannot do it this way and to ask for lawyer and I want to tell her to watch kids for a week... Go to my parents stay away.

 

The more we are in limbo the more she stalls the paperwork the worse this hurts

I don't want to live this way. I will demand she tells kids this week

[anne1707]

Demand she tells the kids what exactly?

 

That you are getting divorced? That she is seeing someone? That you had naked slide massages and EAs?

 

You are no better than her so I really do not see how you can take the high horse here. At least she only started seeing someone after leaving you and filing for divorce. I would say that is far less harmful to the marriage than your past behaviours.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lonely, Have read your story and in spite of everything I feel sorry for you and your wife for what you have done and are doing to each other. I think the time has come for you to be decisive about this situation rather than dragging it out till you are weather beaten and jaded. Your attitude is enabling your wife to inflict insult to injury may be because as you say she is deeply hurt and needs to get back at you. However you should know when to pull the plug on that. If you are more or less certain that your marriage is irrecoverable then why drag out the agony? Just do what has to be done and end it. If your wife is playing a cat and mouse game with you then she will either come to her senses when you take decisive action or she will waltz with her lover. Either way you will get results whether in your favour or not. You see there are so many cases of people who have divorced and then remarried each other again and so it isn't as if this is the end of the world for you. In fact a new marriage with her under the changed circumstances may be just what the doctor ordered! You will get to start on a clean slate.

 

By the way I do not agree a hundred per cent with what Anne has to say. Yes you are as guilty as your wife but she is now being cruel which is not what you did to her with your post cheating behaviour. I also do not agree that your wife is entitled to her actions just because she has initiated divorce proceedings. Technically both of you are still married and so she can rightly only date some body else once the marital bond is severed completely. As it is she is not at present pursuing the divorce procedure as I understand it but is only pressing for a continued separation, that also by living in your close vicinity and wanting to depend on you for little favours. This shows that she wants to cling on to you and not let you get too far from her. If that be the case then she should not have the affair under your nose and then rub it in your face. I hope you do something to end this miserable state of things. Best wishes!

[anne1707]

By the way I do not agree a hundred per cent with what Anne has to say. Yes you are as guilty as your wife but she is now being cruel which is not what you did to her with your post cheating behaviour.

 

I think it is pretty cruel on the wife that she had to see 50+ photos of her naked husband with miscellaneous naked women.

 

I also never said the wife was entitled to play the games she is playing with regard to all the push/pull stuff going on. We disagree on whether this is technically an affair or not and that is all. She at least has been completely open about this new relationship.

 

The point of my post however was that the OP needs to be very careful in how the children are told of this. If he wants them to know about the "OM" then she can quite rightly tell them about his past infidelities. I.e. he is is no position to judge and condemn her. It also makes it sound by his statement that he wants her to tell them then it is as if this her fault. It's not. He screwed up. She left him because of that.

 

As it is, the children IMO should not be told about any of the pain that the OP and his wife are inflicting/have inflicted on each other. They don't need to see that fighting. This is going to be hell enough for them already without seeing two selfish people playing he said/she said.

[lonelyinnj]

Actually she wasn't open about it.. For 4 weeks past Dday she hid it I even asked if she was seeing someone and she denied it

 

Then she stayed out one Friday night while my daughter was sick puking... She ahowed up at noon 8 hours adter she knew her daughter was sick.. I took her phone and found all the evidence I needed only that put it in the open

 

Now 5 weeks later she continues to flaunt it...

But keeps saying I am Only seeing him 4 days this month

But talking nightly is the issue and 4 days I know of...

 

We set the schedule but she planned the days she wanted which coincided with his.. Really I can't stop them all I can try to negate a few but it is her choice

 

I was going to sit down with her and tell her I really wanted to help her heal because I can see her pain but I cannot while she continues to escape (her words) to see him. What is going on now isnt fair to the children (her showing up at 10:30am on saturday saying ahe was working late) and will not make for anything amiable. Our girls need a supportive father and i have to commit to only that. I want to finalize the paperwork and move on. I can't be your friend I'm sorry. Lets split the schedule arrange the exchange and goodbye and good luck. Perhaps theis is the last last resort technique head straight for the door and hope for the best and accept the worst. This is clearly a game I no longer wish to play

Despite she tries to minimize the OM relationship to my face with counting the days she sees him, saying he is only in it for the sex and that her emotional instability is something he doesn't want to deal with then says she isn't physically attracted to me (didnt say she doesn't love me I even said you hate me and she replied she doesn't)...her mixed signals are destroying my happiness with my girls...

 

I want to have a plan but don't know what to do. She hurts i hurt nether of us is handling this correctly or amiably, clean break seems proper. In my head I think I need to start the paperwork, in my heart I want to hold on. More separation prolongs her inner pain as she isn't addressing it, tortures me and she continues to run away to fantasyland, divorce sets both of us free.

 

Right now she wants the separation paperwork... As I said I pushed for the divorce paperwork... She backed to separation... I'd like the time to work this out as through separation but maybe I should just proceed to divorce paperwork? Any thoughts?

 

The kids right now are not splitting spaces but they will need to start sleeping in separate apartments and that needs to be explained. She is not facing the reality of the future she is trying to make everything rosy in the future with her girls just as happy and life perfect with no effect on them

 

Normally I thought with separation one person leaves and finds apt and the other takes care of the kids until a space is made for them in other place

 

Perhaps I should suggest this... I can leave to my parents

Put her with childcare ... It shouldn't effect my shares custody if I still see them right?

 

Any suggestions how I can disrupt this fantasy world other than wait it out?

Edited February 18, 2013 by lonelyinnj

[Chi townD]

Despite she tries to minimize the OM relationship to my face with counting the days she sees him, saying he is only in it for the sex and that her emotional instability is something he doesn't want to deal with

 

 

Ummm....is this minimization supposed to make you feel better about everything? It's just another example of how she's rubbing your face in it with her own affair.

 

Dude, Sh*t or get off the pot. See a lawyer.

[lonelyinnj]

I've seen a lawyer. I know my rights and I am just on the fence about whether to push the divorce forward or do full separation. She is today texting me if we are having fun are girls ok... I'm sick of it I know she ditched work and I am not replying.

 

Maybe I was too nice for too long now I'm bitter I know I started all this but I have done everything I can to make amends except wait even longer...

 

I am sorry yes I can't make a decision when my heart says one thing and my head another. At this point I think I have tries everything including doing a 180 in my behavior, analyzed why we got to where we were, been a good person, that is noticed but not appreciated. I need complete cutoff for my sanity and health.

 

For those of you that believe in patience am I being rash?

[Chi townD]

Have you ever asked yourself is there any other reason that she would rather seperate rather than divorce? Other than YOU think that she might be interested in reconciling? Any other reason that might benefit her?

 

How about that if you seperate rather than divorce, she gets more of the same! She still gets to keep a boyfriend that may or may not work out, and she gets to have the babysitter, handyman, remorseful slave and cuckold living next door! So, she can continue to drop off the kids with you. Go off and have hot sex with this guy all night long and probably in the morning as well if she's showing up after 10 in the morning under the guise that she had to work late. I mean, she even admitted it to you that he's only after sex. So, do you think that this douche rocket is wining her and dining her? NOPE!!! She freely goes over there with no other intention other than getting laid. And she knows it and doesn't care if you know it too!

 

If you divorce her. All the support that you freely give her goes away and the only support that she'll get is only dictated by the courts. Which might be less than what you're giving her now. Even in a "no fault" state, the martial assets get split 50/50. It wil make her life a little bit more difficult. And I think that I read somewhere that she makes more money than you. If this is the case, her lawyer might have told her that she might have to pay YOU alimony. Why would she want to do that? She'd rather seperate than divorce. And it's not to make life easier on you or the kids. IT'S EASIER FOR HER AND HER CURRENT LIFESTYLE! I mean, what's the end game here? She's given you NO indication that she wants it to work it out. So, how long does she want this to go on? How long should you endure this kind of torture? This mental cruelity? How long should your penence be?

 

Look, I'm not defending you about your past actions. You screwed up and you screwed up pretty good. But there's got to come a point where you have to forgive yourself and move on. Maybe learn from your mistakes and find love again with someone else.

[lonelyinnj]

I have cutoff more if the same. I fixed her shower enough she has warm but not hot water... But I am hard lining our days. She just asked about tonite I think I will text her back 2 hours later saying my night my kids

 

Perhaps I have it covered. Don't want to pick a fight. She'll do that later but I am not biting.

 

If she asks to talk I am not in the mood today. Tomorrow we don't have set person so I'm going to take the day. I know that will be a fight because it is three days straight but she scheduled 3 for this weekend (I guess he is busy)... I'm trying to pry one day free for me on Sunday but it is birthday party and it might be good for her to see other families together

[anne1707]

Seeing as the OP was away so much paying so much attention to other women, is it any wonder if she did look for affection elsewhere.

 

Whether she did or not does not really matter though. They have both screwed up the marriage and the best thing the OP can do now is stop answering his wife's texts and stop doing things for her. They should be leading separate lives with any interaction being purely about the children.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are a cuckold. The ultimate cuckold. I mean, you got a sitter so you could go have a drink; a little me time and she HAD A FIT! If she ever called you right now to watch the kids and you said you couldn't because you had a date, she would blow a gasket! Oh, but its okay for her to leave you with the kids to go bang this dude, but you enjoying an evening out with someone of the opposite sex and she would probably lose her mind.

 

Now, I'm not saying you should go out and do this. I just want you to see how lopsided her way of thinking is. You need to man up and stop putting up with this crap.

[Spark1111]

What are your rules, guidelines boundaries for separation?

 

it should be NC, MC and a deadline. 3 months? 6 Months? separation is about finding ways to put the marriage back together, or it is about moving towards divorce.

 

What are YOUR rules for separating? if they haven't been stated or enforced, what is the point?

 

you seem powerless...powerless to enforce boundaries...powerless to move forwards or backwards...just living in limbo land....life on hold.

 

be there for your daughters but you must unequivocally assert that separation is moot because she is seeing and sleeping with another man.

 

tell her if she wants to join you at counseling so you can both ensure a smooth transition to divorce, she is more than welcome to join you. If not, you intend to go anyway.

 

if she gets angry at you, ask her why she would be angry at you for going out and having fun. She's dating right?

 

where is your backbone?

[lonelyinnj]

I did ask her that. Clearly she said she was angry that I used the sitter but I think you know the reason.

 

Today she went ballistic because I didn't tell her what time I was getting back with the kids. I asked her before I left if I should be back for dinner Minday and she said she didn't know when she would be home.

 

If course she forgot that and was home furious that i didn't tell her earlier that me and the kids were having dinner before home. She goes 30 hours without kids and go nuts... Now she just sent me a schedule where she wouldn't see the kids for 3.5 days in a row to accommodate her schedule... I almost told her about it but I think we'll just do it

 

She is not threatened or tries not with divorce papers as she said we can sign them and start process or do former separation so no apparent cudgel there

[lonelyinnj]

I did tell her why bother with separation since it is 80% a prelude to divorce and she said people who divorced wish they separated first to work out issues and logistics. She is stalling. But she got pissed yesterday when I wouldn't text her back going off like wildfire on texts. I ignored her calls too she went ape**** total guilt trip.

 

What is NC MC for separation?

[BetrayedH]

What is NC MC for separation?

 

NC is no contact. MC is marriage counseling.

 

You need to settle on a schedule for the kids that is not ambiguous.

You need to have no contact with her other than kids, shared finances, and the divorce.

Screw the separation. Who cares what her friends say?

One of you needs to move; I say you go to your parents.

Tell the kids about the divorce just before the move happens. "It's no one's fault."

Let her call and speak to the kids whenever she wants but get out of answering this "How are the kids doing?" business.

[Just a Guy]

Well Anne I will defer to your wisdom and experience in such matters as really speaking I have never been in a situation such as this and so do not have the experience of the under currents that sway emotions one way or the other. However my point is that the OP was an absentee husband for a long time before he involved himself in cheating and this resulted in his marriage going south. Now after the damage is done he is trying his level best to resurrect it but it seems to me that it is too badly damaged for it to be repaired. I had suggested in my last post that he should proceed resolutely with divorce and make a clean break. If, and that is a BIG if, his wife comes to her senses and wants to get back with him then they could re-marry and start on a clean slate. If she remains indifferent then he will be free to pursue a NEW life with some one else, hopefully having realized his folly, exhibited in his first marriage, and steer clear of all pitfalls that might come up.

 

What he is doing right now is NOT manning up to the situation and is letting his wife ride rough shod over him. Some one labelled him a Cuckold. I would not go as far as calling him names but I certainly do think that that he could display greater spirit and determination to take control of his life rather than let it be dictated by his wife for reasons of her own compulsions. I sometimes get frustrated on behalf of people on this board who seem to be so much at sea when the facts of their life are so clearly out there for every one to see along with the most prudent course of action for them to take. However they just seem to be blind to everything and go on stewing in their own juice. Hope the OP does finally wake up from the Nightmare he seems to be having!

[anne1707]

Well Anne I will defer to your wisdom and experience in such matters

 

 

What does this mean?

 

 

Apart from that, I pretty much agree with your post.

[lonelyinnj]

One of you needs to move; I say you go to your parents.

Tell the kids about the divorce just before the move happens. "It's no one's fault."

Let her call and speak to the kids whenever she wants but get out of answering this "How are the kids doing?" business.

 

Kids are in school my parents are 60 minutes away can't logistically happen unless I give her full parental control and lawyer said that ain't wise