should i stop revenge affair

[Spark1111]

Google the "180" and start practicing it today.

[lonelyinnj]

Google the "180" and start practicing it today.

 

I actually have done the 180 very successfully, and am a much better person for it. the weight of a bad marriage +ADD+ my betrayal of trust seems to be the recipe for disaster.

 

As many have said she filed therefore whatever she does now is her business, she has made it clear that she won't stop. I did try and it was counterproductive, more I said stop the more she went. So now I am just accepting that she holds all the cards and I will simply go about my 180, not be a gloomy person, be cheery and hopefully she find any love she has left grow and believe that we can heal. Else I'm going to make someone else a really good man someday.

[lonelyinnj]

Google the "180" and start practicing it today.

 

I actually have done the 180 very successfully, and am a much better person for it. the weight of a bad marriage +ADD+ my betrayal of trust seems to be the recipe for disaster.

 

As many have said she filed therefore whatever she does now is her business, she has made it clear that she won't stop and we are 'done'. I did try and it was counterproductive, more I said stop the more she went. So now I am just accepting that she holds all the cards and I will simply go about my 180, not be a gloomy person, be cheery good to my kids, and hopefully she find any love she has left grow and believe that we can heal - ultimately the choice to forgive is hers, the choice to be the best person i can is mine. Else I'm going to make someone else a really good man someday.

[BetrayedH]

I love you, I am sorry I broke your heart. it was the stupidest thing in the world that I did and I have been willing to fix me and fix us.

 

but I can no longer invest in us because you have filed for divorce and are now seeing someone else.

 

other than child care, please do not contact me or ask me how I am. it is too painful for me.

 

I wish you and fill in the blank every happiness.

 

You are not doing the 180 if you are trying to nice her back, buying her groceries, exchanging kids daily, or engaging in personal conversations.

 

You need to draft something very similar to what Spark has provided above and then only have conversations related to shared finances, the kids, or the divorce. Fix the custody nonsense; daily exchanges are bad for you. You should each have your days. Get some distance.

[2long]

 

As many have said she filed therefore whatever she does now is her business, she has made it clear that she won't stop and we are 'done'.

 

So, she unilaterally decided these things. So what? What do you want? and what are you willing 2 do for it?

 

I did try and it was counterproductive, more I said stop the more she went.

 

Wayward script. They all do this. But you need 2 stop trying 2 get her 2 do anything for you. Stop trying 2 "educate" her. It never works.

 

So now I am just accepting that she holds all the cards

 

She holds her cards. You hold yours. What do your cards say? Forget hers.

 

and I will simply go about my 180, not be a gloomy person, be cheery good to my kids, and hopefully she find any love she has left grow and believe that we can heal - ultimately the choice to forgive is hers, the choice to be the best person i can is mine.

 

I don't believe in the "180". I believe that "tough love" is an oxymoron. I believe in getting yourself firmly grounded emotionally and living by example the best person you can be. Your posts are all about your speculation of what she's doing and thinking and why. They're all about how you can persuade her back 2 the marriage. They're mostly a waste of energy and effort.

 

Else I'm going to make someone else a really good man someday.

 

Start by making yourself a better person FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS.

 

Why are you still in the same house? She started an affair and has filed for divorce. Why doesn't she move in with the OM? Are you willing 2 finance her affair and take the load off HIS shoulders by continuing 2 support her while she divorces you and continues this new relationship?

 

-ol' 2long

[nofool4u]

I am pretty sure if I tell her me or him, I'm not going to win (20:1 odds)

 

Boom, this here give you your answer. Divorce. EDIT: I read where she has filed already. This was pretty much predictable given the situation.

 

Move on and learn your lesson. If you want to keep someone, don't cheat on them in the first place.

Edited February 12, 2013 by nofool4u

[anne1707]

She started an affair and has filed for divorce. Why doesn't she move in with the OM? Are you willing 2 finance her affair and take the load off HIS shoulders by continuing 2 support her while she divorces you and continues this new relationship?

 

 

I suggest you re-read the OP. He messed up the marriage by paying for nude massages which the wife then found out about. She even found photos . She filed for divorce because of that. According to the OP, she and this new man only started their relationship AFTER this.

 

The OP is very far from faultless in this.

[Spark1111]

So, she unilaterally decided these things. So what? What do you want? and what are you willing 2 do for it?

 

 

 

Wayward script. They all do this. But you need 2 stop trying 2 get her 2 do anything for you. Stop trying 2 "educate" her. It never works.

 

 

 

She holds her cards. You hold yours. What do your cards say? Forget hers.

 

 

 

I don't believe in the "180". I believe that "tough love" is an oxymoron. I believe in getting yourself firmly grounded emotionally and living by example the best person you can be. Your posts are all about your speculation of what she's doing and thinking and why. They're all about how you can persuade her back 2 the marriage. They're mostly a waste of energy and effort.

 

 

 

Start by making yourself a better person FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS.

 

Why are you still in the same house? She started an affair and has filed for divorce. Why doesn't she move in with the OM? Are you willing 2 finance her affair and take the load off HIS shoulders by continuing 2 support her while she divorces you and continues this new relationship?

 

-ol' 2long

 

Actually 2long, the 180is exactly as you described it. ....when done properly. it is NOT a tool to manipulate your partner back to you as some misinterpret it.

 

IT IS about making yourself a better person for your future, with or without your spouse. IT IS about taking your dog out of the triangle demonization of the BS. it is about detaching and taking the high road FOR you...and doing it with integrity and self-respect.

[Spark1111]

I suggest you re-read the OP. He messed up the marriage by paying for nude massages which the wife then found out about. She even found photos . She filed for divorce because of that. According to the OP, she and this new man only started their relationship AFTER this.

 

The OP is very far from faultless in this.

 

Oh NO, he is not faultless. but he doesn't, no one deserves having your angry spouse punish you by having you watch the kids while she dates and sleeps with her new bf.

 

THAT is just emasculating and wrong. Very wrong.

 

if she wants to divorce, fine. but he doesn't brew her coffee, buy her groceries, entertain all day texts and then agree to watch the kids while she screws another man on their date night.

 

that's just toxic.

[2long]

I suggest you re-read the OP. He messed up the marriage by paying for nude massages which the wife then found out about. She even found photos . She filed for divorce because of that. According to the OP, she and this new man only started their relationship AFTER this.

 

The OP is very far from faultless in this.

 

Yes, I did read the OP. He behaved badly. She's reacted badly. He can only correct his own behavior. She must correct hers.

 

I am one of those who insists that this is an affair because she's still married. And I'm going 2 stay that way.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Actually 2long, the 180is exactly as you described it. ....when done properly. it is NOT a tool to manipulate your partner back to you as some misinterpret it.

 

I should have said it that way. Because I do think many misinterpret it as a way 2 manipulate their spouse.

 

IT IS about making yourself a better person for your future, with or without your spouse. IT IS about taking your dog out of the triangle demonization of the BS. it is about detaching and taking the high road FOR you...and doing it with integrity and self-respect.

 

As long as it's done sincerely. I don't believe in "fake it till you make it."

 

-ol' 2long

[anne1707]

Oh NO, he is not faultless. but he doesn't, no one deserves having your angry spouse punish you by having you watch the kids while she dates and sleeps with her new bf.

 

THAT is just emasculating and wrong. Very wrong.

 

if she wants to divorce, fine. but he doesn't brew her coffee, buy her groceries, entertain all day texts and then agree to watch the kids while she screws another man on their date night.

 

that's just toxic.

 

Oh well OK then. He messes up the marriage and she has to be punished by not getting on with her life. She is also only seeing this man at times when the OP is supposed to have his kids. She is not dumping them on him outside of those times.

 

I agree there is some game playing going on between the wife and the OP but she is absolutely entitled to have her own life.

 

 

Yes, I did read the OP. He behaved badly. She's reacted badly. He can only correct his own behavior. She must correct hers.

 

I am one of those who insists that this is an affair because she's still married. And I'm going 2 stay that way.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Well our opinions differ then but your initial post was all about her behaviour when the OP created this situation.

[lonelyinnj]

The problem is we are in two apartments that are adjacent

There is no way financially to avoid that other then me leaving completely on

My days to my parents

 

I don't want to hurt my kids they live me taking them to school but that enables her to go to work early as she needs that. If I am not there the babysitter might be and still take the burden off of her. She might find that it isn't any different

And I don't get to demonstrate my new found ability to

Be selfless. I am giving all to my kids.

 

I have considered stopping taking them early every morning as the kids might

Influence her. Asking for daddy but usually she is gone before they wake

To work so she won't feel it or see it likely.

 

I am trying to show her I am the husband she wants while I still have time kind caring compassionate and willing to pull my share and more. Taking the high road

 

Before the DD she had the babysitter come in early and I was traveling a lot

So doing just that would give her back normalcy as before. Me distant not involved. Incidentally she said I have been great with the kids in the morning.

Part if me says distance and give her a dose of post divorce situation

But childcare are isn't an issue for her... She has our babysitter on call

So that isn't going to be hard for her. It would be like before and would likely backfire.

 

Now there is a week that we don't have backup coming up and I think that is the week to perhaps try something.

 

I know most of you think a complete break is right but

I think that will only allow her to distance further. I was thinking of only doing my days after this week and avoiding her in morning as a step to ignoring her

 

Weirdly last night she made my favorite meal which she never made in 10 years of marriage and Offered it to me to eat. Very mixed signals right now

And trying to weather the storm.

 

We are set to put kids beds and furniture in my apt in 8 days perhaps the. Is true break time but that is exactly what she is asking for, she even told me to go back overseas so she can "have her life back"

[lonelyinnj]

I have been exercising, starting new classes preparing for what seems

Inevitable and she keeps dropping hints to let this play out telling me the guy isn't marrying material, no long term plans, he's a dweeb, bad dresser, not good looking (he isn't I am) that right now she "needs" this.

 

Perhaps once I have place for kids to sleep is the time for the

True pull back. Right now my place doesn't have that so I have to wake them dress them and feed them in hers

 

I'd like to go date someone to give her a taste but know she will say I am moving on and that is giving her just what she wants. And paint me as not committed to saving the marriage and not regretful both of which I want

[BetrayedH]

Once I realized that the BW had filed for divorce, my thoughts on this thread changed substantially. The fact of the matter is that the OP is the wayward here. And maybe I need to re-read the original post but I'm a little confused about these nude but non-sexual massages where photos are involved. Sounds a bit like minimizing to me.

 

As for the BW's "affair," I hardly see it as one (although I understand those with the "ink is dry" perspective). I think what matters is how the BW views it. The OP seems to want to somehow shift the blame for his failing marriage on a manipulative OM. The fact is that there would no marital problems and no other man if it weren't for the OP screwing around overseas. As far as she's concerned, she's filed for divorce and her STBX can go kick rocks. She filed in short order and so this is hardly some illicit revenge affair. Anne, I think you had it right when you said she was showing him the consequences of his actions. And I do believe she is entitled to move on with her life.

 

But the question remains for the OP about what to do. We have a wayward who wants to save his marriage but his wife has filed and is moving forward with another man. Does he "Plan A" nice her to death like a good remorseful wayward who will do anything to restore his marriage? Or does he go "Plan B" and hope that his wife will see the reality of divorce (no husband making coffee and keeping the kids late while she dates)?

 

I don't think it's helpful for the OP to refer to this as a RA any longer and I think he has to accept that the new man in her life is his own fault (and thus stop any talk of her being manipulated). But it's also true that he's going to have a hell of a time restoring his marriage with a third person in it (and so a 180 seems appropriate).

 

Anne, I respect your opinion and since the OP is a wayward that wants to reconcile, what do you recommend?

[lonelyinnj]

Ok so here is the question I will stop seeing her in the morning

Stop seeing the kids in her days

 

Do I tell her that isn't the reality if how it will be? Should i be that blunt or

Just say I think I should only see them on my days and let her figure out that tr change isn't good for them. I need to make that change and avoid her as much as possible seems to be the idea.

[lonelyinnj]

Non sexual means no sex involved but they were fully nude and I took photos with them and of them standing nude

[anne1707]

Anne, I respect your opinion and since the OP is a wayward that wants to reconcile, what do you recommend?

 

To be honest, I think teh advice the OP has been given for doing the 180 is probably the only way to go under the circumstances. He needs to start focussing on just himself and the children and not run around after his wife anymore.

 

This will work for him whichever way things go. His wife is just using him as a safety net/comfort blanket for now but that cannot continue if they are divorcing. She needs to live her life, he needs to live his.

 

There is a chance I suppose that if she sees that the OP has got his act together then she may decide to give him another chance - if she does then the OP needs to be completely honest with her (I too suspect there is more to these photos). Maybe it has not sunk in with her yet what she is about to lose.

 

If however she chooses to continue with the divorce then the OP is at least putting himself on the path of recovery from the breakdown of the marriage

[lonelyinnj]

Ok Anne I'm in full 180... I've done the nice thing but it isn't working

She has recognized my willingness to be a good husband(covering for her when sick or working early-late, responding to texts like "I'm having a bad day" why tell me if you don't care?) but clearly isn't interested right now and I am enabling her. I'm pretty clear she see now that I can be everything she wanted before and my niceness is making her life way too easy

 

I just bought groceries for her dinner Friday with kids...

 

Should I just take them all to my place next door?

She will likely see that as mean or just let them run out

Next week. I am going to take everything that isn't essential to that meal and anything I've bought just considering if I should take it all. So she has to go make time to buy those ingredients.

 

Last night she was sick and I covered the kids while she was at state mandated childcare seminar. Came home sick and wanted to sleep. That is my last nice gesture

 

Question about "handoff" is it normal to take over in morning or do you do that after school

 

Meaning it is my day does that mean the morning is hers (she will use babysitter) then I get kids after school evening next day next evening and then morning? For two days...

 

Should I do this on the phone or in person tonite after my daddy and me dance...

[lonelyinnj]

Photos were of naked girls one with my arm around her not my face.. About 10 different girls over 8 months, business cards to nude massage and you can opt for more places.. We were not intimate because she hated me she said and therefore assumes I ****ed all of them the truth doesn't matter to her. Fact is I was out with naked girls giving me body slide massage.

 

Small cliff big cliff you jumped she said...

 

Also photos of a EA sort of I was having with a girl. We would flirt online she had a boyfriend and showed me her underwear one time online I took photo. Would send me all her modeling photos that I saved

 

It was 50+ photos and cards and my porn collection... I know I ****ed up I know I need to face the consequences. I am clear on that. Anyone want to phone coach me into 180? I am with DB but don't have appt until later this week

[lonelyinnj]

I have stopped seeing this as revenge affair for note. It started that way to go out and **** some guy just turned out she is sex starved and affection Starved from a bad marriage.

 

I have a call with her in an hour I will follow advice and make the break for me

Before valentines day. She is going out scheduled the kids with me though normally "her" day every other week so far

 

I have plans with my kids for a nice dinner and surprise for them going to enjoy the day with the three people who care about me me and my girls

 

How do weekend handoffs go what time do people normally do that?

[lonelyinnj]

She wants the separation to be sugar coated meaning start with a "sleepover" at daddy's trying to adjust the kids slowly. I prefer to just say these are my days they sleep here no sugar coating and we need to tell the kids as they haven't figured it out yet.

 

I know the separated and now divorced OM is coaching her on how

To try to be amiable. I want a clean break now

[Got it]

Then get your clean break. You don't have to sugar coat it if you feel that it is unreasonable. I would recommend speaking to your attorney and/or therapist on the best boundaries, wording, etc. and discuss with your spouse about having a few therapy session set up for your kids after you tell them in case they need to talk to someone about it. But I think just lay it out.

[2long]

Oh well OK then. He messes up the marriage and she has to be punished by not getting on with her life. She is also only seeing this man at times when the OP is supposed to have his kids. She is not dumping them on him outside of those times.

 

That's the point, she's NOT getting on with her life - she's having an affair, flaunting it in his face, and expecting him 2 pay for it.

 

I agree there is some game playing going on between the wife and the OP but she is absolutely entitled to have her own life.

 

And she can do that on her own.

 

Well our opinions differ then but your initial post was all about her behaviour when the OP created this situation.

 

My post was about her behavior because the OP posted here about her behavior and is seeking advice about what he might be able 2 do about it. The OP "created" the actions he 2k, yes. But the W made a conscious choice 2 have the affair. That's 100% on her.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

I have stopped seeing this as revenge affair for note. It started that way to go out and **** some guy just turned out she is sex starved and affection Starved from a bad marriage.

 

In other words, she chose 2 have an affair. Look, people. You can call it whatever you want. Whatever you think will make someone feel better. But the simple truth is that she reacted badly 2 the OP's bad behavior, and the kids are going 2 be the victims here.

 

-ol' 2long