Author lonelyinnj Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) ^^^^^ No disrespect intended but, all of this has been said to him before. ^^^^ Yeah but I'm thick in the head. I appreciate you all taking the time to reiterate - because it does help me alot. I do go back and read the posts too - because there are no other posts I can find that mirror the situation I am in. We both love the kids, she is out of her initial hateful fog, and now missing them, but still doesn't want to deal with me. Alot of posts the LBS wants them to come home, the WAW/H doesn't care about kids and is in fantasy land. Because this is so unique a situation I am having trouble finding precise advise. After I have resolution one day I hope to help others like you helped me. I too was in a fog doormat mode from feeling guilty, I have paid my penance and then some. Thinking that the flogging would get her to be less angry.. Well that didn't work. I am going to be happy now. I just reached college weight of 172, been working out so look great (everyone wants to know my secret - well stress from pending divorce, wife is having a post-affair, ritalin, cigarettes and not eating, tough diet to market I think). I have cut the cigarettes for e-cigs cause I know they aren't healthy and hate the taste - it was more for the nervousness and anxiety than the nicotine. Edited May 2, 2013 by lonelyinnj
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 If you can afford 2 sublet an apartment, why not use it as your primary residence and your current apartment as the place 2 stay when you have your kids? ...but I still think it would be better for all of you if you're farther apart all the time. -ol' 2long Not sure what you mean. You mean get a 'crash pad' for my days off and use the main place as the place with the kids? I offered to let stbex to do the switch apartments thing, but with her making her bedroom her space staying there isn't good for me.
Jonah Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I have been through a similar hell. What I didn't know at the time was that my greatest days were right around the corner! I was an injured animal for the first few months but after a year I was fully operational. I got the kids a-plenty and I gotta tell ya, it's much more fun without the W around. Every day was a holiday! We did whatever we wanted to. Disney World, fishing, camping, libraries, malls, ...maybe this was wrong but I used my kids to bait the single moms at the parks - worked pretty good! exW ended up giving me primary residence after a few years - then the fun time turned into chores and homework.
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I don't think this will go to the WAW from the kids she wants to share them 50/50 kind of because they live both of us and both of us would sacrifice for them It is just us and I don't know where that is going. We met to discuss kids going upstairs and she said I am so different now which I am so 180 noticed I guess so but she just isn't interested I guess I hurt her too bad. I recognize that nothing I can do or say would change that. So at some point they will go upstairs, and that will be soon she wants to use the sleepover concept and I guess that is best for kids and as for her coming around all I can do I go live my life. I almost told her that I went on a date which I did I didn't like it wasn't interested in meeting someone new I just wanted to feel better about myself. I went to bar and some random cute girl kissed me on the dance floor it makes me feel so guilty. I should be flattered I guess but instead I am just wanting her more. She doesn't believe I live her she said that at lunch no we weren't discussing us it just came up. She said I was so different I don't even look the same which is true after losing 35 Lbs, I told her it is still me just without the bad habits of lying, being manipulative, being selfish... Which she seemed to agree to... But perhaps she isn't attracted to the new me either.. I'm still funny outgoing and smart that hasn't changed. I said I'm still my core self she said that is a liar and I responded I don't do that anymore.. Which is true She clearly is determined to move forward slowly.. I'm ok with separating I don't know if she is seeing OM as she said I have told you everything I am doing though I don't have to (have to ask myself why but she has self checked in I NEVER ask). She asked to change a day and I said my boundary is that I don't babysit for dates period. It is dark time for me because I live her but you can't make someone love you so I have to prepare for that just scares me as it should but I Kate not going to die from it... This is really hard I do wish I could change my behavior from 2 years ago but I can't I'm a good dad a good person and getting happier despite missing her As a note she sent a text thanking me for a nice lunch.. No yelling very civil and honest it was refreshing I wish we had done that before I made my mistake but I couldn't communicate to others i I avoided problems by not talking about it hoping it would go away
CantgetoveritNY Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Your, "I don't baby site for dates" thing is so counter productive to your life I can't tell you. For # 1 - you love your kids. Be with them EVERY chance you can! For #2 - you want your soon to be ex wife to think you could care less who she is F*ing and/or when she is. (as long as you can't hear it. That is over the top gross and unacceptable that she did that to you.) For #3 - you might want her to baby sit while you out on a date with someone you like 10 time more than you every like her. For #4 ....... I could go on but it is late here in the ETZ. Maybe some other LS people can chime in as to why it is so wrong to not take your kids whenever you can? 1
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I simply want to set the boundary that I don't find her 'revenge affair' moving on affair whatever, to be acceptable and I won't doormat for it. If she wants to go out with friends, yes of course I'll take kids not for her, for them and me. Some people have said take the kids whenever and don't ask questions - that helps push her off the fence... one way or another. I feel that is more abuse and I am not tolerating that anymore. I have put my heart and soul into my kids and into being a better person. Yes of course I want the marriage, but I made my changes because they had to be made, my life was chaotic resulting in bad decisions. Her decision not to try to work this out, to walk out once the door was open was premeditated before my mistakes came out, they were an excuse to walk out. Just to clarify she never brought OM here and I never 'heard' them. Not sure where that came from, but she did walk out for the night as I arrived home from a football game, or other event, leaving me to babysit. That is why I now draw that line, as much of a mistake I made, there is a difference between being angry and being intentionally cruel.
ladydesigner Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Implement the 180, usually it is to help you get yourself back, but sometimes the WS will come out of their "fog". Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." * forgot to add* Even if the 180 does not seem to be stopping her, it will help you detach and see her for what she really is and help you move forward with your life.
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 So how does one respond to a text that says "anything to distract me from reality"... Regarding go out to a bar rather than coming home.. Do I say I'm sorry again or just don't respond at all? I have been told and it was in a sticky to apologize as much as possible seems like a cry for apology or ??? That is where I get confused. Do I just not respond because she hasn't committed to return. She said she "might" go out and I believe it is with coworkers not OM but the other side if the coin is that I am commuting to moving in and right now enjoying time with kids... Her problem she isn't here right? That is where I don't know if I should say I'm sorry (again) though she has said she doesn't believe it or just not respond as if I don't care. My guy says to say reality is you have a remorseful husband who is sorry.. But my guy hasn't done me lotsa good over the past few months (go against my gut feeling)
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Enjoying immensely but they live my dinosaur chicken bites and broccoli tree meals more than my recipe gourmet cooking lol My point was she said she isn't convinced I was sorry (said at lunch) but sorry I got caught. Which actually isn't true in some sense getting caught made me realize how screwed up my life was ... But seriously after all my letters all my formatting all my tolerance all my sacrifice how could you not know?? Hell you won't like this at all I even fixed her light in her bathroom that was broken for two weeks - not for her really ... but my control of ADD means I can't stand broken stuff need to have busy hands. He'll I even hung all my laundry up last night lol I really like to fix things... Always have and is amplified now
Confused48 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I keep reading about you saying you are sorry. That is great. But if she doesn't care then it gets pointless to keep saying it. And what about her? Revenge affairs are not something that someone who is really together themselves would do. So maybe she had a brief failing in a moment of deep pain and grief? That might be less of a worry. But a BS that carries on like yours is just another WS at some point. Now it's not good enough that you are sorry. If you are going to R then she is going to have to go through what you are now as well. She has to be sorry. And everything else that comes with being a WS. There are plenty of posters here on LS that have been both a BS and a WS. It's a tough place to be and still save your M. Right now she doesn't even try. That should concern you. You should stop worrying so much if she knows you are sorry and worry that she IS NOT sorry. And there is nothing you can do about that other than to protect yourself. She has become a selfish myopic WS. Watch out. Do a 180. 1
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I didnt ask where she went (she colunteered it) i didnt text at all. trying to stop that. I didn't say a word. She texted at 10 she would be later than thought I simple said ok have fun. Wake me up when home... Got a thank you??.. Then didnt text her except ok when she was giving me travel update on getting home (like she is checking in) and then came home woke me up and apologized for being out so late and said she shouldn't have done that?? That is the resetting if hooks that kills me ... Then today she has kids and indicates that we should move them upstairs in Mother's Day... I do not believe she was with OM just out having fun perhaps softening perhaps not. Today has kids and going mom overboard with activities Anyway doing the low communication 180 now or trying.
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Mother's Day is a tough one she took kids to her parents and I really am missing the usually enjoyment we had this day. Will it always be this tough I've been on the verge if tears all day thinking of all that is passing by. My anniversary is in three weeks to compound matters and I had hoped in my heart for some resolution before then but facing the reality if it not happening. I completely miss my kids every minute they are gone... Yesterday she asked me about this concert 9 weeks away setting in the pain if she continues to make plans way out. I still don't know if I should just take the kids and not care or tell her my boundary that I don't switch for dates... I don't know what it is and why she is so adamant about knowing right now if she needs babysitter God I hurt today... I can't shake it want to drink and hide under the covers Today is family dinner and I am making something nice for kids and to celebrate she is still the mother of my children and given this is probably the last time we will do this. I keep trying to pull away to not care but physically can't do it I can't even fathom why she can.. It drives me crazy 2long I do try not to communicate... She texted me that she hated me because I took my kids to parents and I changed her life this way without the consideration that this is her choice based on my actions.
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I keep reading about you saying you are sorry. That is great. But if she doesn't care then it gets pointless to keep saying it. And what about her? Revenge affairs are not something that someone who is really together themselves would do. So maybe she had a brief failing in a moment of deep pain and grief? That might be less of a worry. But a BS that carries on like yours is just another WS at some point. Now it's not good enough that you are sorry. If you are going to R then she is going to have to go through what you are now as well. She has to be sorry. And everything else that comes with being a WS. There are plenty of posters here on LS that have been both a BS and a WS. It's a tough place to be and still save your M. Right now she doesn't even try. That should concern you. You should stop worrying so much if she knows you are sorry and worry that she IS NOT sorry. And there is nothing you can do about that other than to protect yourself. She has become a selfish myopic WS. Watch out. Do a 180. I just feel like a deer in the headlights. Tonite I wanted to ask what do you want me to do? I didn't say tht as it seems needy and she shows little regret, she has told me where she is going but that could be complete bull**** I am I frustrated nd angry tonite not to mention depressed and upset. I am having trouble detaching with our anniversary coming up I don't known if I should do anything or just ignore it given our state I don't believe she has fetched from OM as she guards her phone like its gold and shows no remorse. I am going to try to detach more this week she has a huge lunch wih senior management that is a big deal and half if me feels like I should acknowledge it as the old me would have forgotten half of me says ignore it because he HS abandoned me. Biy I'm a mess tonite bs I can't shake this. I feel so bad , so much pin.
Chi townD Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Dude, really? How much more abuse do you have to endure? She STILL is putting it all on you. "I wouldn't be f*cking this guy and staying out all night drinking and partying if you didn't do what you've done. Now look at me and what I've become!" Which is bullsh*t... That fact is, SHE LOVES IT! She's having the time of her life under the guise that your past actions are MAKING her do this. No....she's choosing to do this. You have no control over that. The way she see's it is that you gave her a "get out of jail free" card and she's abusing the sh*t out of it. And you know what the sad part is? What you did in the past is screwed up and you've been paying the price for it. BUT YOU NEVER HAD INTERCOURSE WITH ANYONE! You never sealed the deal. She has and is EXTREMELY open about it. She's probably done things with this guy that she's never even considered doing with you. Marathon long sex nights....doing it in the shower getting ready to come home and get the kids from the "babysitter". Yeah, she's paying a hefty price for your mistakes! Maybe she's not seeing the OM anymore, but if she's guarding her phone like Fort Knox, you can be DAMN sure she's giving out her number to other guys while she's out partying. She came home later than what she told you the other night. She was probably hooking up with someone that she met there. I wouldn't put it past her. Dude, when is enough going to be enough. She doesn't respect you. Her actions show that she doesn't love you and she probably doesn't say that she loves you... When enough going to be enough? How long can you live with her running around on you? How long can you endure this single, partying lifestyle that she's embraced? When are you going to start moving on with your life and maybe just MAYBE find a woman that going to love you? Because this one doesn't. Dude, penance is over. You paid your dues. Time to move on. Edited May 13, 2013 by Chi townD 2
lolablue17 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Maybe it is too late to fix it now (i'm sure you could few month ago). But if you want hope, the only way you can get her to change her mind, is to be deeply convinced yourself that you dont want her back! yes! that simple. I read this hole thread carefully. she blames only you for the whole mess, without her taking even small part of responsibility for you bad marriage. She tells you that she doesnt want to reconcile, and the day after says "you see? you haven't change, you lost your chance with me". These were just examples but i see her superficial behavior along the road. it hurts but not impossible to crack! DONT be nice to her! i mean, be nice and smiling but as one that got over everything. be apathetic! dont answer any text unless it is about logistics... dont compromise any schedule. Go out, meet girls, have sex, romances, rebounds... you can sometimes bring them home, you kids can see dady's girlfriends... its natural... dont split your kids off your social life! DONT AGREE TO HEAR HER OPINION ABOUT IT! YOU DONT CARE WHAT SHE THINKS. SHE IS THE ENEMY! Have fun! dont answer to any question, dont have a chat with her. NC!! (only minimum logistics). Whats gonna happen? She will suddenly see you are a real man, good looking. hanging out with girls... she will see you got over her, (maby even have a real new girlfriend). she will see your self confident... and she will start to appreciate you as a person and as a man. Remember! she doesnt think of the OM as a long term partner. so one day they will have a fight. another day he will be busy. another day she will need an emotional support that he cant give her... then she will miss you... you new you... not a doormat, but a real man who doesnt need her at all!!! You dont realize how mush she needs your "wanting her back". Do it all, and do it with your heart, and soul, with joy and happiness. I swear to you - in 1-2 month thing will change for you and for the better. mayby for the best!!! (sorry for my poor english)
lolablue17 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Tell her that now you understand that she was right about her resistance to reconcile! Tell her that though all the mess, you somehow happy that you cheated and you're glad that she found out. Because maybe you both needed that slap to wake you up, break the bad marriage, and thats how you both could live a happier life.
lolablue17 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Tell her that you appreciates her AS A PERSON and AS A MOTHER, but not loves her anymore. though you acted before like a fool but now after you MOVED ON, you understands and justify her being right, and not blind like you. Find the right moments to sneak those messages naturally.
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I sort of did some of that last night, said I did something foolish, selfish, disrespectful and unfair. There wasn't an excuse for that final action there were other choices, and she can go about her business, I'll take the kids for a switch day (she wants to switch a weekday for Friday that is movie night!, sure thing I love movie night with my kids..! So here I am feet out of the mud walking to shore.
lolablue17 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I said I did something foolish, selfish, disrespectful and unfair. Say only that now you are OK. Be nice but nonchalant. When you say all those words together ( admitting you did something "foolish, selfish, disrespectful and unfair") , you sound too emotional, and everyone can see you care. BIG MISTAKE! DONT CARE! Dont give her that. stop making mistakes. Every time you want to say something, try to avoid giving her a little piece of you self. GIVE HER NOTHING!
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Maybe it is too late to fix it now (i'm sure you could few month ago). You dont realize how mush she needs your "wanting her back". Do it all, and do it with your heart, and soul, with joy and happiness. I swear to you - in 1-2 month thing will change for you and for the better. mayby for the best!!! (sorry for my poor english) I am trying I do try to detach and get the "oh you can't text back stuff" then I feel guilty and do. I have resigned to stop that. Does detaching always feel this hard? I feel like I'm giving up.
lolablue17 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Does detaching always feel this hard? I feel like I'm giving up. It's hard to detach, but it also gives you strength and confidence, that you are an independent man who can put your needs first. she may, or may not want you back, (probably not) but in the long run she will be impressed and she will appreciate you more as a man and as a person. Stick with it man!!!
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 No contact killing me. First week kids with me she won't even come home to her apt perhaps unable to face fact they aren't there. It really sucks I'm sick to my stomach... I have gone no contact sans regarding kids or school and one line only So sad trying to detach myself... **** me I even dreamed about her... I know I screwed up... And it appears she will never forgive.. I really thought we were worth more than this. Going to sleep with the covers over my head...
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Update... Sunday night we have been doing family dinner not sure this is a good idea or not She left abruptly after hanging around in my apt after dinner (my night) texting "not to let the kids come down she is too sad and angry at me" it was a nice dinner and I was having fun and dancing crazy with my kids... She was really nice during dinner and engaged me discussing some music she wanted me to hear (as if we were "together") Monday I took my kids for a fun day alone she starts texting me in morning don't forget sunscreen (I returned with photo if new sunscreen I bought earlier that week) and telling me what to pack (I don't need that) and that she was jealous I had the kids on a beautiful day. Later this turned into a text "conversation" that I shouldn't have engaged in... I should know better than to get sucked in and it was a war if words... Useless really... I had a very memorable day alone with them without anyone telling me my ideas were bad or berating me (eg I stood in line way too long for food and my kids had to wait and were tired) Today i promised myself to go to no non essential communication... Didnt last night and today ... I get this text this morning.. "u have convinced yourself that I ruined our marriage when I know in my heart our marriage was getting better and I was working hard to repair it (example all the concerts and plays I booked). I know it was your infidelity that broke my heart and ill never be able to forgive you. I am not one to lament what I cannot change . Just because I decided to act on the facts I discovered does not make me a bad person or a bad mother. I have not "done" anything to you. You simply do not like my reaction to your infidelity. It is no more complicated than that. If u were worried about losing me you would not have taken those pictures." I can only summize we are done.... I am not worrying about what it means and not trying to read into it... Just thought I'd post an update... Reading I f course ripped my heart out after spending a glorious Memorial Day with my kids alone... Sure I wanted to respond but there really is no point she is gone and there is nothing I can do about it... That doesn't make me less sad just wish the pain would go away. I don't blame it on her ... I wanted to say that but trying not to discuss us anymore. She has been gone since Monday away from here solo apt perhaps not wanting to face an empty house and the new reality. I got one text today regarding that is have my daughter two jars for a project one for each home saying "so you really want to make that public?" Huh?? I know in my heart I tried everything to save the marriage. Am I wrong in not responding?? i am right to make me stop...
dreamingoftigers Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 She has been gone since Monday away from here solo apt perhaps not wanting to face an empty house and the new reality. I got one text today regarding that is have my daughter two jars for a project one for each home saying "so you really want to make that public?" Huh?? I know in my heart I tried everything to save the marriage. Am I wrong in not responding?? i am right to make me stop... HEAR ME OUT: She's back and forth about it. But she has also been more out than in. Those pictures are very scarring. I know a lot of posters want to say "BUT she did this back." Erm, so? It didn't make them less scarring. It was also bait to apologize. You thought you were "worth more than that." Well, so did she. It probably came as quite a shock to find out how replaceable she was. If you are feeling that you thought the two of you were "worth more than that." It's time to tell her that you realized far too late the the two of you were worth "far more than those pictures and that you never ever would have done anything that blatantly, stupid, selfish and destructive to your family, but specifically her. That you are very, very apologetic and truly saddened by how much it affected her regardless of whether she wants the marriage or not. She can stay or go or whatever but that you do want her to know she was worth much more than what was in those pictures to you. And that she still is. And that you should have treated her that way AND spent that energy working to restore the bond with her instead of messing it up with the infidelity." In a larger sense, "let her go" but make sure the amends is done on your part to take full and complete responsibility for your end. Let her know that you know how much it affected her. Let her know that you understand her isolation and feelings of seeming inadequate to you. It's a last ditch. But I honestly think it's worth it. YES I am aware of HER sexual behaviour as of late. But bringing that up in the context of a genuine apology isn't going to do anything but continue the argument. I think that the best form would be a letter put in her apartment so she could open it as she sees fit. Give her plenty of time to respond. Either way, it should offer some closure or half a rat's chance. Honestly. I know you may think and feel that you have offered her remorse, but it was under the premise of working on your marriage. This would show that you are genuinely sorry for what she experienced as another human being with feelings that got very hurt. It may spark an interest in seeing if there is something to reconcile. I think it is kind of the last chance. I am sorry that you are hurting so much. 2
Author lonelyinnj Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Thank you dreaming... yes i think a last letter is in order... then I think on the 9th the day after our anniversary, I am going to discuss moving forward... I just talked to a mutual friend of ours, I'm emotionally spent - told her I don't know if I can/should stay in limbo any longer. Regardless if she was justified or not, it doesn't make it hurt me any less. I've reached that point where I don't know if I can hold my sanity and continue this. My friend suggested I have the talk. Something along lines... I don't understand what are we doing here. We are in limbo. I understand you are angry, I understand I disappointed you. If we are going to work on us, we need to start that and try now. (suggest counceling and perhaps a date night once a week - i am expecting no fkn way response). If we are not going to do that then we need to start the divorce proceedings. Divide the finances and figure out what to do with the properties. (I expect the counter that it is best for kids to live next door) - But it is not healthy for me or you to continue our lives living next door. I can't live that way and don't think you want to either. We both need closure we both need to move on. Any thoughts? Half of me says wait a little longer bite my lip another month, hang in there and ignore, distance and see what happens, the other half says do the same while I am moving through the proceedings. I feel like I'm giving an ultimatum, which I guess I am. But living this way only leads to a long separation followed by divorce rather than just moving on. I know that. My friend (who also talks to her) says she thinks she is confused... doesn't know what she wants, but very simply I can't live this way.
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