Shattereddolly Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 till now. It's still hard to really talk about in any concrete, specific terms. Hurts still too much. In some ways there isn't much need to either. My story albeit about two individuals has still pretty gone along the conventional (and largely predictable ) lines of an EMA. I sent this email to xMM this evening.( I know ) It pretty much says it all anyway. And I sound whiny, petty, bitter, vengeful with a bunch of sour grapes thrown in. But Pffttt... it's done. And I'm not feeling the need to beat myself up for it. to wit: <<<<<So you really won't ever be speaking to me ever again Ever? I served what purpose I was to have in your life? Looks like you'll be okay without me in your life after all. Who knows. That may have been just more talk I'm feeling okay. Each passing week does get a little easier. u'd want to know. Seeing you use to forever worry whether I was going to be too hot/cold/too whatever. So maybe - even now - my mental well being may be of passing interest to you. If for no other reason, you'll know I'll eventually move on completely I won't have to lay in bed at nights , crying, missing you, craving you , feeling confused that you'd choose living your life in semi solitude, (downstairs) with someone (upstairs) who was more "like a flatmate or a sister" to you... a living death, broken only by a (usually on a nightly basis) domestic row. Which you would diligently (but always reluctantly ) report to me the next morning when we'd speak. Do you ever cringe at the stuff you told me for years XXXXX?? I cringe that I listened to it for so long. Enjoy the party. I know you've got plenty coming up. Dance card is pretty full. I was given your past year or so itinerary <when I had spoken with his wife recently> - you did a good job. I didn't get a hint. You covered your tracks when you'd speak to me frightening well. And also for the next few months busy, busy hey?! Culminating in your XXXXXXXXXX trip when you and your wife will be off 'doing your own thing' after the conference. Bon Voyage! It'll be shades of the XXXXX holiday for you both all over again! ps (Hey?! didn't you get dragged into that trip as well??!)>>>>>> The truth is I am actually am feeling better each week. The first couple of weeks. I really felt like I'd been told he had died. And I don't say that lightly. It really did feel like that. And even now I still feel winded and short of breath and a bit panicky when I think of stuff about us. I did get some anti depressants. What the hell.....I can function. And they've helped with feeling obsessive and out of control. Don't know that there's any medal for doing it without some sort of crutch?? Postscript: I reposted this from my old thread in to a fresh new thread - The above was posted yesterday. Today am feeling pretty crappy again. Time over again - probably wouldnt have sent the email
JamesM Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Hugs to you. I posted on your other thread, too. Smile...there are many good people here on LS who have been where you are and will comfort and lift you up. Been here seven years and speak from experience. 1
stevie_23 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) Yes, my A definitely messed up my head and sucked at least some of the life out of me (LDR / online A for almost 2 years). I became a nervous wreck. Constantly anxious and afraid of my ex-MM’s wife finding out. On a roller coaster of highs (spending time with him, feeling his love, feeling desired and stimulated by him) and lows (missing him, longing for him, resenting him for the restrictions on his time due to his wife, fear of losing him, not being able to sleep some nights if I hadn’t received a text from him, not being able to eat, not going out because I preferred to spend time with him on the computer at home alone, spending all my time doing videos for him instead of making music, singing, and being free…) It takes a while to realise that in this sort of situation, no matter how long it goes on, you will most likely NEVER get what you really NEED from your partner. It’s very sad, and it doesn’t mean either of you don’t WANT to be each other’s true love or anything like that. It just means that if one of you is in a marriage and can’t or won’t leave? The other will simply always be second best, no matter how much you feel otherwise. The longer it goes on, the more settled you get in the routine you’ve created or had thrust upon you. This doesn’t make it any better, but it does make it harder when it eventually ends. I took a long time to realise, that while my ex-MM leaving me was not done for my benefit, it HAS benefited me in the long run because he finally was forced to realise that we cannot be together in person, and we also can no longer be together in the way we were before. It would’ve just imploded even more and ended worse eventually. Technically, if both of us were less selfish and addicted to the affair and each other, he would've let me go earlier. He saw how my anxiety was affecting me. I was having chest pains and couldn't sleep. Similarly, I should have let him go when his wife kept finding out and his living situation got smaller and smaller and smaller from restrictions through her. Having said all this, I don’t regret my time with him. He was good to me. As good as he possibly could be within the circumstances. I feel sorry for both of us actually. I feel bad because he’s settling for a life that’s never made him happy, and he’s lost me, and his wife will never trust him now. I feel sorry for me because I have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done to my partner (she doesn’t know I cheated) and I am left confused about what I actually want in life (man or woman? My partner or someone else or no one?) and I don’t honestly even know if I’m capable of being properly happy. It seems to me that we both ended up injured by this A. And yet we loved each other deeply. This shows that it’s not always the people involved that aren’t good in an A, or that they aren’t good for each other or that they’re not sincere in their feelings and intentions towards each other. It does show that being in an A, no matter who you are and how you feel for the AP, is 90% of the time going to end in pain and distress no matter how hard you try. Edited February 12, 2013 by stevie_23
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